Joshua
A month later…
“You will have all of my attention, Mr. Clark, I can promise you that. If you choose to become our client, we are not promising you only our full attention, but we will also provide you with our best professionals. I will be overseeing it myself that you face no problems…but if you do, I will make sure to solve them. We are always there to help you out.” I was trying to bag this client for my firm. Gaining him as a client would not only boost our company’s image, it would surely help in drawing more influential and powerful clients.
“Mr. Morris, I hope all your services will be worth what I will be paying. Let me know when the paperwork is ready to be signed. See you later,” Clark said with a small smile. He got up from his seat. Shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, he walked out of the restaurant. Serena stood beside me, watching our new client walk out.
“Do you need me for anything else? We only had a meeting with Mr. Clark for the evening and nothing else,” Serena said.
“No, you can take your leave. Thanks for the presentation you came up with,” I told her. Nodding, she picked up her things and was out soon. I settled back down and fished my wedding ring from my pocket. Bringing it out, I admired it, remembered the happiness it brought to my life. It was the only essence of Eunice left with me. At times I wore it and let my mind loose in the good old memories, let my heart and mind believe that I was still married to her, we were still a couple. Living without her was too hard for me. I craved for her essence, for her love, and for her being close. It was the harsh reality that it wasn’t possible. I made myself go to Elle’s grave at times when death looked easier to me than living. My mind would drag me to the day when Eunice tried to take her life, and I would try to drag myself down the same path. It was hard to live without someone as my rock and anchor.
I gave up drinking as much as I could and promised myself to never drink until I felt that utter need to drag myself back in time. Living alone as a shell of a man was hard, but knowing that I lost things, love, friends, family, everything hit me like a million knives in my heart. Waking up every day had been a struggle for so many months that the thoughts of giving up on life crossed my mind too many times. Even Elle’s grave couldn’t stop me. Gradually I made the good memories of the past my anchor. My days were filled with work and night with an empty house and heart. There wasn’t anything in my life besides her. She had been there for me when my mother died. She became my shoulder to cry on, she shared my worries, and my everything else but one fucked mind, one wrong seed of doubt made me lose it all.
The sound of someone’s laugh dragged me away from my thoughts. It was sweet and melodious just like Eunice’s. It was not too loud, just enough to drag one’s attention. It wasn’t fake like that of others. Eunice’s laughs came from heart, from pure happiness. Once again the laugh caught my attention, I didn’t know why. It felt so similar to hers like it was hers only. With a swift turn, I looked at the source of laughter and that’s when I saw her. Her hair, lightened by a shade or two, had grown a bit since I last saw her, the color of her skin was glowing. No more looking like a ghost and heartbroken. I could find the hint of old Eunice I craved.
Her brown eyes crinkled with amusement and pure happiness filled her face. She was happy, something I took away from her. Alex had told me about Eunice moving on in her life and it broke my heart little by little, word by word. He told me all about how she forgave Anne, about how happy she was, how she was going out and interacting with everyone and dating. I wanted him to stop because I died a thousand deaths sitting there listening to him, but I had asked about her. It was a pain I had to endure. Somewhere a bit of my heart wanted her to be miserable for me, like I was for her. It was wrong to think in such a way but I wanted her to want me. I wanted me to go back and beg her for a chance. God, there wasn’t a thing I wanted more than her love. All I wanted was to rush down to Eunice’s house and beg her for the last chance she promised. However, hearing that she was so happy, and moving on in life put a halt to my thoughts. She was happy and it stopped me. I had broken her, torn her soul, and disappointed her so much in our love that my own faith was not so strong anymore. So I stayed where I was and shoved the thoughts of being a hindrance in her life out of my mind. Someone else would give her all that I couldn’t, he would be good for her, but I wasn’t, and maybe I won’t be.
Maybe it was the guy who I saw her with outside her room in the hotel. I racked my mind over who he was. He looked sincere, the kind that would protect the one he loved. With him, she wouldn’t ever be disappointed. But looking at her now, all those thoughts of letting her go melted. Seeing her smile made me want to bring her back in my life. She was the sun of my life, and ever since I pushed myself away, I had been surrounded by nothing but darkness. I dragged out my days, hours, and minutes without her.
“Seriously, that was hilarious, Jason.” She laughed with the guy at her table. I sure as hell couldn’t get a clear picture of him because he had his back facing me. I couldn’t concentrate on him, my eyes were stuck on Eunice—her smile, her laughter, her glowing skin; her bright eyes shimmering with happiness sucked me in. She was all I could see. She talked with the man in front of her while I stared at her like a creep. I had this uttermost desire to be the man she spoke to. My heart and soul wanted her once again. I wanted to give her everything that other man could give. She looked towards me and our eyes locked, her laughter died down. It felt like only we existed. I could feel a connection trying to build up between us but then it broke as she looked anywhere but at me. Disappointment filled me, making me remember the past mistakes I made. I caged my feelings of wanting her. I had to let her go—she would be happy with someone else, but not me. I had killed her once I couldn’t do it again.
Still, my eyes didn’t let go of hers. She once again looked at me, but this time her eyes were wide with an ocean of emotions in them. I should have stopped looking, but I couldn’t. I wanted to drink in the sight of hers, her eyes boring into mine turned me alive. Every inch of my body burned, knowing she was there looking at me. Our eyes lingered on each other and neither of us let go. Sitting right there I felt like a bond was being formed between us, the old strands of love rebuilding themselves from this mere contact of our naked souls through our eyes.
“Sir, your bill,” the waiter informed me, drawing my attention away. I blinked and the moment was lost. Her eyes were no longer on mine. She looked down at the table rather than the male sitting in front of her. Did I ruin her for others like she had done for me?
“Sir,” the waiter called. Turning around, I took the bill and slid money inside, leaving a good tip. I waited the waiter to take it away. I just wanted one more glimpse of her. One last look to soothe my eyes, to make me calm, and make me feel alive. Lifting myself from the chair, I turned my gaze towards her table. She wasn’t there, but the man sat there. I glanced around, spotting a glimpse of her walking towards the restrooms. I should have walked away, for both of our sanity. I should leave her alone as she moved forward on the path of life. I walked where I should have. My heart, beating faster than ever against my ribs, blood rushing to my ears.
I didn’t rush even when I wanted to. My eyes wanted to touch her one last time, my steps following her own. My steps halted in the hallways that led to her. I didn’t wish to scare her or make her run away. I was laughing from the inside. Here I was again, the very same place where I had promised her a future of tears and pain. I let the memories of that day swarm in my mind. I had taken reward in making her cry that day, now I repented it utterly. I leaned against the wall and my shoes seemed to amuse me greatly. The swinging of the door had my heart trying to burst out. I lifted my head with the pace of a turtle. There she was, looking down and her feet bringing her to me. I stood straight and moved to the middle, I really didn’t want to let her go. The whiff of her lavender scent affected my senses. It made me remember our home, my home with her.
“Joshua.” My name slipped out of her mouth slowly. It made me want to have a taste of her lips. Her eyes were wide with shock and a hint of fear in her eyes. I wanted to kiss her, beg her and do away with all her fears. I wanted her love and nothing else, and even if she couldn’t give me that, I could love us enough that she wouldn’t need to.
“Eunice.” Her name rolled off my tongue as if a prayer.
“What…are you doing here?” Her posture turned stiff, but her eyes were an open book for me. In that moment they were filled with so many emotions. The worst part was I couldn’t see love in them.
“I was here with a client. I saw you. Just wanted to greet…you.” I just didn’t want to greet her. I wanted to beg her on my knees to reconsider me again.
“I’m here on a date,” her reply came, giving me the hint enough that she just wanted to walk away from me.
“I saw.” She nodded and her eyes turned away from me. She looked at the walls rather than me.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s never going to be enough for all I did, but that’s all I can give. If there is any way to turn back time, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“Joshua, please don’t—” Her eyes pleaded with mine.
“Please let me say this,” I begged.
“I love you and I fucking miss you so much. I don’t know what to say or do to fix us, Eunice. I fucked up massively. I have nowhere to go. I live in a house but it’s not a home. It’s just a place where I eat, sleep, and shower. It’s a place where I just barely exist, it isn’t my home. That home was lost to me when I let you go. My home is you, the feel of you, and the taste of you, and smell of you. I’m a homeless man, because without you, I have nothing.” I willed her to make eye contact, but she resisted.
“I love you, Eunice. That never changed and never will, even in the time I hated you. For me, I think it was just another twisted way of me loving you. It sounds so fucked up, but believe me, Eunice. I was fucked up inside my mind. For six months you stayed with me, knowing very well the man I had turned into. You never gave up on waiting for me to return to you. I was a bastard and I know it now, you can call me anything and I will accept it, because I know I deserve it. I’m sorry for all I did. I always will be.” Tears rolled down my face. I just couldn’t control myself. I loved her so much that seeing her, I felt my loss more keenly…without her life wasn’t worth living. Her eyes glistened with tears, but she didn’t let them fall. Closing her eyes, she stood in front of me.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you ruining my date? Why are you trying to ruin me again?” Her words had my body searing in pain. I felt the air leave my lungs from her words. A heart-wrenching pain from my heart was deviating to every inch of my soul.
“Eunice, I can’t live without you. I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life. You loved me enough for both of us in the past. Let me do it. Let me love you enough for us. Just let me in for one last time. I will never fuck up again, never make tears fall from your eyes. Every day I will love you more and more. My heart bleeds for the pain I caused you. Even in my fucked up mind, I can’t think of hurting you ever. I’m just a man who loves you, Eunice. I never want to hurt you or ruin you again. All I want is a small place in that heart of yours, a small piece in your life till…the day…I die. Till…the…last breath I…take.” Tears were streaming down my face. The floodgate, once open, couldn’t seem to stop. Tears seemed to fall from her eyes too, making me feel like the bastard I was once again. I never meant for her to cry again.
“You don’t see it, Joshua, but you are once again ruining me. Your words of love don’t hold meaning to me anymore. I don’t want to say much, but your words are ruining me again. I’m on a date, Joshua. This is me moving on. I’m hoping you will too. Just let me be,” she said, wiping away her tears.
“If that’s what you want, I will step back,” I lied. I just couldn’t make her cry anymore because I loved her too much. I knew it in my heart that I would come for her again and again. I would beg for that last chance until my last breath because she was the only one I lived for.
“I will let you go,” I lied once more, my green eyes piercing her brown ones. Without any words, she just brushed past me, leaving my body more alive than before. I would come for that last chance again and again.