My insides churned, as the tears, I refused to let fall burned behind my eyes. The rehearsal dinner went off without a hitch and as I said my goodbyes to everyone with Lola in tow I could feel his eyes on me.
How am I going to get through this with him living a mere few feet away from me? My breathing was coming out in pants. I just needed to get Lola and me inside the house and lock the door. I could cry later, but now, now I just needed to get away from him because my emotions were all out of sorts with him here.
“Welcome back Jakey…” Sofia purred in his ear as she placed a well-manicured hand on his shoulder. I dug my nails deep into the flesh of my palm telling myself that it didn’t matter to me if he was with her after all he wasn’t mine.
“Thanks, Sofia, it’s nice to be back home…” He didn’t bat his eyes at her, or even seem to be interested in conversing with her.
“Momma, I want another cupcake!” Lola pleaded, giving me her best puppy dog eyes. She had no idea how much she resembled her father. I shifted my attention from Jake and the town slut to my sweet daughter.
“No sweetheart. We’ve got to go get ready for bed because we’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow…” I bent down so that I could cradle her sweet face in my hands. Every day that Jake was gone she became my steady reminder of him and though I loved her with all my heart the fact that she looked identical to him and not me irked me a bit.
“Please, Momma…” She pouted and all I could was smile as I pulled her into my chest. She was the sweetest little girl in the entire world.
“No sweetie, it’s time for bed.” I willed myself to stay strong against her big blue eyes and instead plucked her up off the ground and headed in the direction of our two-story house that we rented from my parents.
Forcing myself not to look back at Jake I walked in the direction of the house, my sandal’s slapping against the rocky trail that leads up to the house.
“Leaving so early?” Jake’s deep voice met my ears causing my steps to flaunter. I swiveled around on my heels, coming face to face with him once again. We had to stop meeting like this.
“Lola needs to get ready for bed, and I’m exhausted so yes we’re leaving so early…” I mocked his tone that he had used just moments ago. My body was humming with need, need that it wouldn’t be getting anytime soon.
“Your mommy’s friend…” Lola beamed, smiling up at Jake like he was the knight and shining armor she assumed him to be. Jake looked down at her with some much care that I almost forgot for a second home badly he had hurt me.
“I sure am… and I’m going to walk you and your pretty mommy up to the house.” Jake spoke so softly like he was telling her a bedtime story. Lola wasn’t immune to her father’s charms but I most definitely was and I wasn’t going to have him weasel his way into mine, and Lola’s life again.
“Here sweetie, how about you walk the rest of the way up to the house, get your PJ’s out and pick out a book.” I released her placing her feet on the ground. Her brow furrowed and she stared at me as if to say no, only to turn around and run in the direction of the house.
As soon as she was out of sight I turned on Jake, feeling the heat of his body wash over me in waves.
Must resist his charming ways.
“I refuse to let you hurt her like you hurt me!” I poked my finger into his chest, trying to get that one single point through to him somehow.
“Hurt her? I’m not a monster Mia. It’s not like I went out of my way to hurt you. It’s not like it didn’t hurt me too…” He narrowed his eyes at me the blue of them darkening well the green seemed to grow lighter.
“She’s my daughter…” I growled, wanting that too to be something he understood since he seemed to find a way to get into every single aspect of my life now that he was back in town.
“I know that…” He leaned down, brushing a few strands of hair that had slipped out from behind my ear back into place. I couldn’t breathe with him this close to me. Every breath I inhaled was of his woodsy scent. He smelt like nature, the trees, and grass. He was home, and my heart and body knew it.
“Obviously not.” I snapped, coming out of the trance he had put me in. The side of his lips pulled up in a smile that told me he knew what he was doing.
“Giving in would be so much easier Mia. All I want is to talk…” His thumb slid across the side of my cheek sending a shock wave of emotions through me. My body was trembling with need I refused to give into.
God, did I want to give into him like I had before, more so now than I ever had before, but I wasn’t dumb, and I knew nothing good would come from just talking to him.
“I don’t want to talk to your cock, Jake. I’ve got enough going on in my life right now. Plus, Lola is number one when it comes to everything and I won’t be making a choice I might regret later on, especially one that could have ill effects on both of us.” I was so over explaining this to him. All I wanted was for him to go away and leave me, and my daughter alone.
“One way or another I will win you back, Mia. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or this month but I will. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life but leaving you was the biggest one….” I could feel my inside turning to mush. Every word I had always wanted to hear him say was finally being said.
Grasping at whatever strength I had left, I moved a step back, and completely out of his reach. I had to end this before it went too far…
“Save the speech for someone who cares… I’m not your girl anymore, and I never will be again.” I swiveled around, holding on to the last shred of strength I had left, and hauled ass up the rocky trail to the house, refusing to look back at him. As soon as I was in the confines of my home and away from his intoxicating scent I locked the dead bolt.
It was then as I slid down the door letting the tears fall that I had been holding in all evening that I realized how much I really wanted him. I wanted him so badly but was it worth it at the expense of my heart.
I wiped away the tears hoping that Lola would stay preoccupied until I could get my emotions under control because God knows she didn’t need to see her strong as hell mommy crying over something she couldn’t change.