Chapter Nine
ANA
Nate and I had established a mutual respect by the end of our first week together. I did as he asked and made sure to eat meals and tried to sleep the best I could in the evenings, and Nate got my garden started for me so I could work on planting some vegetables.
Gardening wasn’t something that I knew about, really. I had just enjoyed the garden so much at the treatment center that I wanted to try my hand at one of my own. Well sort of my own, it was Nate’s house and I wasn’t delusional; I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to leave the place I was now calling home.
Working with my hands in the dirt of the garden was like a form of meditation for me. I could move up and down the rows as I planted seeds and then fertilized one section at a time. As the seeds started to grow, I went out there daily to water them, and I spent hours weeding the garden area, and even a little around Nate’s house.
For me, gardening was my way of thinking and working through everything that was going on for me. It didn’t seem like work at all. Instead, it was my relaxation and I wanted Nate’s home to feel as much like my home as it could for the time being.
Home was such a foreign concept to me lately. I hadn’t had a place I considered my own for a very long time. But Nate’s house felt like I belonged there. The huge trees protected over us during the day and at night they seemed to clear out of the way and let us look up into the sky.
Nate was great with me, and we had been nothing but appropriate with each other since the night I kissed him. He had projects he was always working on around the house and I found things to do as well. I had started to get used to this routine when the weekend came and Jordan and Chase arrived for a visit.
I felt better than ever when they came to visit us though. I hadn’t had many episodes of feeling out of control at all during the week. Nate and I went running each morning and then split and did our own thing for most of the afternoons. Sometimes I would even stay on the front porch for hours and hours reading books and watching Nate as he worked on his building projects.
For as angry as I had been at Jordan and Chase for wanting me to come to Nate’s house, I knew it was the right decision. And when Jordan started going on and on about how noisy it was with all the construction at her house, that just confirmed everything for me.
“Do you want to see the vegetable garden I’ve been working on?” I asked Jordan, unable to hold back my pride for any longer.
“You planted a vegetable garden?”
Jordan knew me very well. She knew that I had bought a plant for my apartment and forgot to water it for an entire week until it had died. Jordan knew me almost better than I knew myself so it was understandable that she looked a little shocked when we walked around the house and I showed her the huge garden that Nate had prepared for me.
“I’ve been planting the seeds very carefully; they should be sprouting some tiny growths soon. I’m not really sure what to do after that, though.”
“Ana, this is awesome. You look incredible. It’s so nice to see you smiling again.”
“Thanks. Nate has been wonderful. We’ve been running along that trail every morning and he’s super adorable and tries to keep up with me, but I always win.”
“Adorable,” Jordan said as she made a funny face at me.
I hadn’t realized the word would make me feel so uncomfortable. But the way Jordan was looking at me made me feel embarrassed.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“So, are you two a thing now?” she continued on.
“No, we aren’t a thing,” I said louder than I meant to.
“Oh, did she tell you about their kiss?” Chase said as he and Nate came around the corner.
I saw Nate reach for Chase’s arm as if he wanted him to stop talking, but Chase just continued on.
“Can you believe these two? Before we know it, we will be watching them get married and having their own kids. What a cute couple they are.”
The look of absolute horror on my face was impossible to hide. My whole chest and face were a brilliant red color, and I looked at Jordan in the hopes that she would rescue me from the situation. She had to be able to tell from my face that what Chase was saying needed to stop.
Please just make him stop.
“How about we butt out of their business?” Jordan interjected. “Nate, when do you leave for your job?”
“One more week, but don’t worry, I’m teaching Ana how to kill someone with her bare hands. So, she’ll be fine here alone.”
Nate didn’t seem nearly as embarrassed by the conversation as I had been. He let it roll right off of him as they moved on to talking about his work and his upcoming job.
I hated to think about Nate leaving. His house was comforting to me, it was safe. I couldn’t imagine feeling as safe without him there. Most likely I would have to head over to Jordan and Chase’s house, and I wasn’t looking forward to that at all. Jordan was getting ready to have her baby and I would certainly be in the way there.
“Oh, yeah, Nate, I need to talk to you about something,” Chase said as he pulled Nate to the side.
Jordan and I continued to talk, but I tried to listen in on what Chase and Nate were saying as well. It sounded like they were talking about Stephano and that was what originally perked my ears up. Anything that had to do with Stephano Copal certainly was something I wanted to hear.
“Is Stephano coming after me?” I said, totally ignoring whatever it was that Jordan had said to me.
Chase looked at Nate and waited for him to answer. I didn’t like the look the two men exchanged at all. There was something going on, there was a danger that they weren’t telling me about.
“I’m pretty sure you are safe here,” Chase said.
He sounded about as convincing as a fat woman selling a diet plan. The way he avoided making eye contact with me and looked to Nate to guide him in his answers, I didn’t like it one bit. My whole feeling of safety slipped from me, and within a week, Nate was going to be gone as well. Somehow I had to gain control over what was going on.
“Tell me the truth, you two. I’m not a child. I’ll worry about it more if I don’t have the details. At least with the information, I can worry about the right things.”
I looked to Jordan for support in my quest for information, but she appeared to be hiding something as well. There was a secret looming over the three of them, and none of them wanted to tell me exactly what was going on.
“I’m here; there’s nothing for you to worry about. And when I leave, you can go to Chase’s house. He just put in a top notch security system that’s better than Fort Knox.”
I felt the fear as it started to build up from the pit of my stomach and then moved out to my fingertips. The blood didn’t seem to be reaching them and they all started to tingle. My chest was getting tight and my vision a little blurry as I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down.
Up until that very moment, I had been on a road to recovery and I knew it. But the way my body reacted to the news that Nate was leaving and I would either have to stay alone at the house or go to live with Jordan; well, my reaction was a clear sign that I wasn’t getting any better at all.
I couldn’t talk and I didn’t want everyone staring at me as my panic attack started to set in. Without saying a word, I turned and made my way to the house. Sure, I knew it would get some sort of reaction from everyone. I knew they were going to be worried about me, but I had to get away from them. I had to get away from the conversation and all thoughts of change.
Change wasn’t my friend at that moment. All I wanted to do was the exact same thing every single day. I wanted to get up and have a few sips of a protein shake, then head out on a long run. I wanted to take my shower and sit on the front porch while Nate did his jobs around the house. Then I’d read one of the many romance novels Jordan had provided for me until afternoon when we’d have lunch. This had already become my routine in the last week and I didn’t want to change it. My body felt relaxed from the day-to-day boringness, and that was exactly how I wanted it to stay.
“You’re going to have to learn how to deal with your anxiety sooner or later,” Nate hollered after me when he realized I had walked away.
“Shut up!” I screamed back at him.
“See, she’s getting better,” he joked with Jordan and Chase.
I had barely closed my bedroom door when there was a knock at it. It was going to be Jordan, I knew it. She couldn’t just let me be for one minute, she had to be there to help me.
“Go away, Jordan, I don’t want to talk.”
“It’s not Jordan, and I’m not going away,” Nate said as he opened my door.
“Hey! I could have been getting undressed or something.”
“You need to get your ass back out there. We are trying to talk about what to do when I’m gone. This is your life, Ana, you can’t just walk away from it.”
“Get out of my room!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Jordan! Chase!” I hollered.
“I told them to stay outside. I know what this feels like right now, Ana. I know it. But you need to let it come. You have to let the fear come so you know you can handle it. Now walk back out there.”
He stood with the door open and his hand pointed toward the front of the house. The determination in his eyes was infuriating. Who did he think he was? He didn’t know what it was like for me. Nathan Foster had zero idea what it was like to be held captive and drugged by a man. His cute smile and adorable eyes weren’t going to convince me of anything. He didn’t know what I was going through.
“Get out of my room and leave me alone,” I continued to scream as I tried to push him out of my bedroom.
My hands pressed up against what felt like solid stone as Nate stood still and didn’t move, not even an inch. His feet were firmly planted on the ground as he looked down at me with a flat expression.
“I’m not leaving, Ana. Get back outside.”
“No!”
“Then you’re going to spend a lot of energy trying to push me out of this room. Because I’m not leaving until you get your ass back outside.”
“You don’t know what it’s like for me. You can’t possibly know. I had drugs forced into my body. I can’t remember several weeks of my life. I have nightmares about waking up and not knowing where I am. You don’t know!”
My screams turned into cries as I started to pound my fists on Nate’s chest in an effort to get him to leave me alone. But instead of leaving, Nate wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. His firm grip on me prevented me from continuing to hit him and I was forced to rest my head on his chest as I cried.
“I know what this is like right now, Ana. I know the out of control feeling. I know what it’s like to wake up from your sleep sweating and urgently looking around to make sure you’re safe. I know more than you give me credit for.”
Nate’s words were gentle, calm, and firm. I released everything that was inside of me. The tears poured out as my sobbing continued. I hadn’t been hugged like that in a really long time. No expectations from Nate. No wanting me to be someone I wasn’t. He just held onto me and let me release everything that had built up over the past months.
I probably cried for a good ten minutes with Nate’s arms around me. It felt insanely comforting. When I couldn’t cry anymore, I pushed myself away from him and looked up into his eyes. I expected to find compassion, but what I found was pain and tears.
“Thank you,” I said as he released me and I went back outside.
The four of us spent the rest of the day talking about what was coming up. We worked out a plan for me to come stay with Jordan and Chase and see how things went. If things didn’t turn out, then I’d come back to the house and give it a try on my own. I didn’t feel like either decision was the right one. In fact, I would rather go with Nate to Syria than stay and battle the demons inside my head alone.