Chapter Five
ANA
“What do you remember?” Nate asked me as he finally stopped punching his heavy bag and we sat down to talk.
He didn’t appear to be as angry at me as I thought he was going to be. His eyes looked caringly at me and I sat down next to him to have a conversation about what was going on. Something had obviously happened and I wasn’t fully understanding what it was, but the way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, I knew that he hadn’t been in my room for some malicious reason.
Nate had only been kind to me and I felt bad that I had yelled at him, but I also felt very confused because I didn’t know what had happened that led up to him being in my room. He probably thought I was totally crazy, and he was right in that aspect. I did feel crazy and like I didn’t have control over what my mind was thinking or doing at any one time. I hated that feeling, but I hated that I had been so disrespectful to Nate even more.
“I don’t remember much. I just remember waking up and screaming at you. But I see my hand is cut and I saw there was food next to my bed, so I guess I missed something. You don’t seem like the kind of guy who is a jerk. I was just scared. I don’t know what is going on.”
“You were checked out. I came out to the kitchen and a shelf had broken on the ground. You must have tried to pick up the glass or something and cut your hand.”
The unknown of the situation gave me more anxiety than I wanted to deal with. While at the treatment center, I had woken up while out walking in the halls a couple of times and the staff had always brought me back to my room. I thought it was the medications I was taking or some sort of sleepwalking. But this time it scared me. I had hurt myself and said horrible things to this man who was just trying to help me out. I was ashamed and horrified about what I might do next.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no reason to be sorry. I know what’s going on. I understand, Ana. Well, at least I understand a little bit. Don’t worry about it. Head back to bed.”
He seemed cold with me as he looked away and avoided my eyes; it didn’t seem natural for him at all I didn’t know what to say or what to do. How do you really tell someone thank you for taking care of you when no one else in the world wanted to help take care of you? Sure, Nate was someone I hardly knew, but deep down, I felt like we knew each other. It was hard to explain and I was in no position to try and figure it out. But something inside of me made me reach out and grab his hand and hold onto it. I didn’t mean it in any sort of sexual way; I purely wanted to connect with him and let him know that I appreciated what he was doing for me.
“Thank you.”
Nate stopped and looked down at our hands as I continued to hold onto his. It felt comfortable to have him near me. I wasn’t afraid of him, so I didn’t understand why I had thought those horrible things when I first realized he was in my room. But he must have been the one who bandaged me up and he kindly made me a sandwich too.
My time at Stephano’s haunted everything I did. Even when I was asleep, Stephano was taking over my thoughts. I hated that he still had such control over me. I was broken and in pieces and Nate didn’t deserve to have to deal with all those tiny pieces at all.
But as I sat there holding Nate’s hand, I felt like the entire world around me was disappearing. His touch was exactly what I needed and I didn’t want to let him go. Physical touch had been a good thing sometimes, and a bad thing at other times, and I still didn’t really know which was which in my mind. Sometimes a nice technician would touch my shoulder and I would jump out of my skin. Other times, like when I left, I hugged staff members and felt energized by the connection. I just didn’t know which feeling was going to come up next.
“Ana, you should go back inside now,” Nate’s voice said with a husky breath.
I watched as his eyes locked onto mine and he inhaled a deep, long breath. His gaze made my pulse flutter and I also pulled in a deep breath as I looked down at his shirtless chest. He didn’t let go of my hand though.
The fact that he kept his hand and mine together flooded my mind and I couldn’t think straight. I liked feeling his touch on my skin. It made my whole body feel happy, and for that brief moment, I forgot everything else that had been going on. For that tiny second, I was just a girl sitting next to a handsome man and holding hands with him. It was a glorious moment for me.
The sweat that covered his muscles made him glisten in the light of the moon. I was still holding onto his hand, but I felt the urge to reach forward and touch his chest. Nothing about the moment made sense to my mind as I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around his neck while planting a kiss smack dab on his lips.
He didn’t pull away. Nate kissed me back. Instantly, I felt a rush that I hadn’t felt in months. I felt the adrenaline whoosh through my body like a high from one of the drugs that Stephano had been pumping into me. But this high had touching and tingling and was much more fun.
I melted into the touch of his lips on mine. It hadn’t crossed my mind until that moment, but his taste was so delicious I wanted more and more of him. Our lips pressed hard into each other and I felt his hands as they grabbed my body and pulled me close to him. Slowly, our mouths opened and I welcomed his tongue into me as it twisted and devoured. It felt right. Whatever else was going on in the world, at that very moment, I felt rapturous and at peace. I wanted to feel like that all the time. I was so tired of the anger and fear that had been taking up most of my thoughts; lust was a much better emotion to have.
Everything about Nate enticed me and made me want more of him. The gentle touch of his lips and firm grip of his hands were gentle enough that I felt safe in his arms. I wanted that moment to continue, anything to avoid the pain that was going through my mind on a daily basis was a good idea, and kissing him had been the best idea yet. The tender touch of his hands, the smoothness of his skin, I was lost and didn’t want to come back to reality. My hand reached down to grab the bulge in his pants and I was pleasantly delighted by the pure size of it. He was throbbing for me already.
“No, you should go inside,” Nate said as he pulled my hand away from him and gently pushed himself back.
He stood up and made his way back toward the heavy bag, but instead of having his back toward me he went around the other side and used the bag as a barrier between us. He didn’t want me. It had felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him, but he pulled away from me and hid like I had done something horrible to him.
Embarrassment flushed over my face as I realized I had just thrown myself at a man who wasn’t interested in me at all. I couldn’t tell what had come over me or why, in my current mental state, I thought it was a good idea. But I felt comforted by his touch and that was all I cared about. My body felt more alive than I could remember. I would have made love to him at that moment and been lost in the feelings that would take me away from everything else that was going on in my life.
My embarrassment was too much for me, and I couldn’t manage to get a single word out of my mouth before I darted out of the building and back to my bedroom. I had literally just thrown myself at a man who had only showed me kindness and respect. The word hussy popped into my mind as the best way of explaining my behavior. Really, what kind of woman throws herself at a man only hours after being released from a treatment facility? Apparently, I was that kind of woman.
The sickening feeling in my stomach only continued to grow as I closed the bedroom door behind me and went to the window to look out to where Nate was. He must have thought I was absolutely insane. First I am a zombie in the kitchen, breaking his refrigerator, then I’m screaming at him like a maniac, and then I just threw myself at him like a prostitute. The humiliation ran deep and I vowed to not leave my bedroom without a distinct reason.
I had pretty much everything I needed in there. I had a television, books, and bathroom: I would only have to leave when I needed to eat. Surely I could just wait for him to go outside or into his room and I would hurry into the kitchen and grab some food and then come back to my room. If I planned my day accordingly, I wouldn’t have to come face to face with Nate again at all.
Throwing myself at men was kind of my pattern though, and I knew it. I fell for guys and forgot all about myself. And quite frankly, it was exactly what had gotten me into so much trouble in the first place. If I hadn’t fallen for Stephano’s tricks, I wouldn’t have flown to the United States and I wouldn’t have ended up being held prisoner by him. The mere idea that I had given up my entire life to meet some man I didn’t know still sounded utterly insane to me, but I hadn’t thought of it that way when it was happening.
I had to do better. My mind was set on making better choices and that was going to start right at that very moment. Nate was a nice man and his house was the perfect place for me to try and recover and get myself together. I really hoped I hadn’t ruined it all by throwing myself at him like I had. He probably had a girlfriend. There was no way a nice looking guy like him wouldn’t already have someone.
The level of pathetic sadness that was building up in my life was hard to imagine. Just one year before, I had been clubbing in Europe with my friends. I was confident and felt beautiful—nothing like I felt at the moment. Instead of beauty and self-confidence, I felt full of self-doubt and loathing.
For a moment, I watched Nate through my window as he went back to punching his equipment. He was handsome, much more so than I had realized before. Without the worry of him seeing me, I could just stand there and watch him, his sculpted torso tightening up as he swung his arms at the heavy bag. I didn’t like his beard, though; it was much too scruffy and had changed his looks quite a bit. But who was I to tell him how he should wear his facial hair?
Wow, I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about his facial hair. The funny thing was Nate wasn’t even my type of guy. I liked older guys, more established, guys who dressed in tailored suits and drove nice cars. Nate was the exact opposite of every guy I had ever dated, yet I felt an obvious attraction to him.
I flipped the light off, pulled a chair in front of the door, and climbed back into bed. The chair wasn’t there because I was afraid of Nate coming into my room: it was to keep me from getting out of the room and causing any more damage.
I couldn’t risk that I would do something totally stupid that would make Nate angry with me. As it was, I had probably ruined the opportunity to stay with him. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he decided he didn’t want me to stay there and instead wanted me to move in with Jordan.
My life didn’t even seem like my own anymore. I was staying with a man I hardly knew in a country I hardly knew. Sometimes I just wanted to go back home and live the simple life that I had started to live when I was younger.
Of course, my life back in Liechtenstein wasn’t all that fabulous either, though, and when I got nostalgic for it, I always tried to remember that the choices I had made up to that point in my life had all been my choices.
Sure, I didn’t know that Stephano was a crazy man, but I did know that there were risks in flying to the United States to meet a man I hardly knew. I knew the risks and I still made the decision to come to the United States. So, when I started to feel helpless or like Stephano had been the only one to blame for my horrible last year of my life, I had to put my own perspective out of view and think about my decision-making skills.
Would I make the same decision to come to the United State? Probably not, but who knows. I was blinded by what I thought was love when I met Stephano online and I could be blinded by those types of emotions again. Love was always something that I wanted more of in my life.
Without love, who were we? We were just individual people on a planet trying to get by to the next day without extinction. I wanted more from my life than that. I wanted something that was so exhilarating, I couldn’t help but feel the energy as it rushed through my body. That kind of love was what I wanted to find, and I would start looking for it as soon as I got over the embarrassment of throwing myself at Nate.
I made a vow to myself to stop worrying about anything else except what I had to do to get myself better. I was going to spend the whole night making a list of the things I could do that would help me overcome my past and move forward.
Everything I could imagine was on the list, including staying organized, studying a foreign language, and even the possibility of going back to college. I wasn’t thinking small at all. I was going to think big and go after every possible dream I could.
The idea of having a purpose came up as I was thinking about my dreams. I had never really had a purpose in life. Sure, I wanted to have fun and enjoy my family and friends, but I didn’t have an overall purpose that would guide me in my choices.
So, I needed to find a purpose. It had to be something that would inspire me in all the things I did and it would have to be simple at first since it was my first declaration of purpose I had ever made in my life.
But as I thought about it, this wasn’t the first declaration of purpose I had made. I had always said I wanted to help people. I didn’t know exactly how I wanted to help people just yet, but I did have a purpose in my life and I was going to keep moving toward that purpose with whatever little steps I could make.