Riding with Elijah back to his cabin reminded me of the drive home after picking my father up from the police station, the day he was kicked out of our old house. He had his arms folded and was pouting like a toddler while he stared out the passenger's side window.
"So do you want to tell me what happened?" I asked in what I hoped was an inviting tone. He said nothing. I waited a few beats and repeated the question. When he didn't answer yet again, I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car.
"What are you doing?" he asked me, bewildered.
"Oh, now you can speak?" I asked, angrily. "Look, dad, I know that it's been hard for you adjusting to things since Mom has been gone. It's been hard on me, too. But I need you to focus. I need you to act like you know that life is worth living. Most of all, I need you to be present. I love you, Dad. Seeing you become someone that I don't know has been hard. Mom might not be here, but I am still here. And I’m not going anywhere."
I stood on the passenger's side window yelling words at what looked like a blank face. It was at that moment that I knew that the father who had raised me, whom I had known my entire life, was gone. Long gone. And I didn't really hold out hope that he was ever coming back. The look of defeat on his face told me that the best that I could expect to do was to love this shell of a man and hope that things didn't get any worse than they already had.
Unfortunately, things did get a lot worse. But, it was in that moment of resolve that I saw something that I had never seen before: ultimate defeat. And the fact that it was something that I saw in my own father, the man at whom for many years I looked on as my hero, was unnerving and disappointing.
I drove the rest of the way home in complete silence, trying to sort out my own thoughts and feelings. My father didn't even try to say anything. I think he was hoping that we would both ignore the elephant in the room. My father had been broken by life.
As I sat next to Elijah and saw the lively way that he spoke about our future, I was filled with an excitement that I couldn't have conjured up in my wildest dreams. I didn't really know the details of what was going to happen next, and, to be honest, I wasn't sure that Elijah knew, either. All we knew was that what we thought was going to be a short trip had now turned into something longer. That alone gave me hope that things were, at the very least, going to turn into an amazing adventure.
Elijah reached over and put his hand on top of mine, splitting his view between me and the road.
"I am so glad that you decided to join the rest of them on the trip this weekend," he said.
"Me, too," I said smiling, placing my hand on top of his.
His hands were warm, and his skin was soft, yet the palm part was rugged from years of working outdoors. I noticed it the first time that he touched me. I hadn't expected that any part of them would be so soft, considering all that he does out in the woods. But the experience that I had with Elijah let me know that sometimes there is more to life than what meets the eye.
We drove for a while holding hands, taking in the beautiful mountain scenery around us. Soft country music drifted from the radio, making me feel like I was in a classic movie, with one of those happily ever after endings. I couldn't wait to see what adventures we would have next. And I was more than ready for it.
When we pulled up to the cabin, he sat there staring up at the darkness of the house, the place that he had called home for so long. I could tell that his thoughts were everywhere.
"What are you thinking?" I asked, softly.
He jumped a little, as if I had startled him out of his thoughts. Then he looked at me and forced a smile.
"A lot actually. Don't get me wrong, I am really excited about being able to spend more time getting to know you better and creating the best life possible, the life that you deserve. I look forward to doing everything that I can to make you happy. It's just..."
He stopped and looked away.
"What is it? You can talk to me. I promise I won't get upset. I just want you to be happy."
He turned abruptly to face me.
"That's just it. I know that you want me to be happy. And just being around you, having you near me, is enough to make me happy. But, I wonder if I can really make you happy? I have been out here for so long in my own world that I can't say I'm fully convinced that a few fun days of hot passionate sex and hanging out is going to be enough to have changed me from the person that I have been for so long. I really hope that it can, but the truth is... I'm just not sure.”
I stayed silent while he paused, and then continued. “One thing I am sure about, though, is that I want to help out the guys who are struggling in the ways that I have. I know that all these fears that I have are because of what I went through. And I know that there are others who are suffering in silence. I lied to Harlow about being okay. I just didn't want him to ask me any more questions. I was afraid that if I opened up to him that he would judge me."
I touched his face. He was such a gentle giant. It was crazy how sensitive he really was despite his strong, impenetrable exterior.
"You know that I am by your side every step along the way, whatever it is that you decide that you want to do. I just want to make sure that you make a decision based on what you really want and nothing else. Are you sure that you really want to give up your life, the one you love and have gotten used to for so long?"
Elijah stared ahead out the front window of the truck and slowly nodded his head.
"You know what? Yeah. Until I met you, I didn't realize that I wasn't living. I thought that I had the best possible life that I could have, especially after my embarrassment in the SEALS. And then leaving them and not being able to fit in with civilian life made me feel like I had more to gain by being alone.”
I nodded at him, and he continued. “I put everything into building this house so that it would be perfect. I hadn't made any plans beyond this. And now, I am actually excited about the prospect of starting a new life. I feel my mind opening up to new possibilities that I had never dreamed of. And it feels really good. It makes me feel more alive. I know that I am not really giving up anything, but I am gaining even more in deciding to move to be with you. And at the same time, I can help men like me who have shared my struggles. This is what I was meant to do."
My heart felt filled with joy.
"I am so happy to hear you say that."
I really was. I felt so grateful for him. And I was even more grateful to hear him say that I had something to do with his happiness.
"I almost feel strange saying this, but I know that it's right. I feel it so deeply. It wouldn't be right if I didn't talk to you about it. I know things have moved really fast, but... I love you. I love you so much. The main reason that I knew that my decision to move was a no-brainer is because I tried to think of what life would be like if you weren't in it. It suddenly doesn’t feel like any a kind of life at all."
I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes before they poured out.
"I love you too," I managed to say, after tears streamed down my cheeks for a few minutes and I finally had a chance to find my voice. Normally, I would have agreed that it was too soon to make such declarations since we had just met each other. But it felt like the right time; it so did.
He opened the car door, walked around to my side of the car, extended his hand and said, "Come on."
I wordlessly took his hand as he guided me into the house and down the short hallway to his bedroom. There were things scattered everywhere. He swept an arm across the bed and clothes toppled onto the floor like a dust storm. He motioned for me to lay on the bed. I did as was requested. It was time for us to give each other a parting gift in this cabin that had been his home for so long.