Chapter 18 – Jacob
I didn’t know what to do. My image was tanking. It was sinking further and further, even when I was trying to make it better. I wasn’t even doing anything to make it worse, now. Not if you didn’t count Kina. I didn’t think of her as a mistake because no one knew what we were doing, and someone that good in bed couldn’t be a mistake.
I had until Friday to decide what to do with my image. It wasn’t a lot of time. My days suddenly felt very short.
If I was going to come clean about what I really did when Markus had started the rumors, it would make me look bad. Replacing violence with sex didn’t seem like it was much better than what I had right now, and I was worried that pulling Kina into the mix would ruin her credibility. She had a career she was building, too. What would it look like to her next clients if it came out that she slept with her current client?
I didn’t want to throw her under the bus to save my own skin. I knew I could be a real dick, and my temper was a problem. I was aware of that. But I could put myself into her shoes, and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin her reputation for the sake of my own.
Training on Tuesday was a good outlet. Coach started by dividing us up into smaller groups to train together for the day, which meant I didn’t have anything to do with Markus. I was relieved. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. Or my fist. If he came up to me, I might have followed through.
Luckily for him, he didn’t come up to me. Lucky for both of us.
I pushed hard during training, trying to get rid of all the anger and tension that was pent up inside me. The last thing I needed was to lash out unnecessarily because I was already angry and resentful. I didn’t need more bad publicity where violence was concerned.
I hoped that my subconscious would work for me while I was training and that by the time I was done, I would have an idea of what to do. That wasn’t the case.
When we finally walked off the field, my muscles screamed. I was drenched in sweat, and I still had no idea what to do.
“Hey,” I said to Hanson when we walked into the locker room. “Do you want to go out for a drink tonight?”
Hanson nodded. “I’ll just check with Lacey, but if she doesn’t need me around the house, sure.”
We got dressed and Hanson called Lacey. When he hung up, he nodded at me. “Sure,” he said. “A drink or two sounds like a good plan.”
“Thanks, man,” I said.
We went to the Batting Cage. It was a nice place to hang out, a place I had a feeling was Hanson and Brian’s regular spot. And it also brought back good memories for me, of better times—when I could fuck Kina in the bathroom without the whole world finding out about it and throwing a fit.
We got a table in the middle of the floor and ordered a light beer, each. During training, it was never a good idea to drink a lot, but I needed the alcohol to take the edge off.
“What’s bothering you?” Hanson asked.
“What if I just wanted to hang out?” he asked.
Hanson chuckled. “You know I’m down for that,” he said. “You’re a cool guy, but I know something’s eating at you. You’ve been keeping to yourself enough for this to be a little out of the ordinary.”
I nodded, looking at my beer. I was transparent. Great.
“Did you see the shit Markus posted on Friday?” I asked.
Hanson nodded and sipped on his own beer. “I saw them. It’s a load of shit, if you ask me.”
“Yeah, it is. I wasn’t even with him. I was with Kina.”
Hanson looked sharply at me when I said it.
“Something tells me you weren’t seeing her on a Friday night for work on your image.”
I shrugged, unable to hide a smile. “It depends on how you want to define work.”
Hanson laughed. “Well, well, well. You too have been at it for a while and still seem to be together. Impressive. It seems that PR managers are just so damn attractive, doesn’t it?”
That’s right, I remembered. Lacey, Hanson’s wife, was his PR manager, too.
“So, the problem is exactly that. I fucked Kina, but I can’t exactly use that as an alibi without coming out with it.”
Hanson nodded slowly. “I hear what you’re saying. Unless you announce the relationship with her, and it’s out in the open. It’s what I did with Lacey, in the end.”
I shook my head. “No, no. God, no. We’re not dating. It’s just sex, bro. God, I can’t do that right now.”
Hanson chuckled. “That was a strong response. You not into her like that?”
I shook my head. “I guess I could be. But after Marisa … It was because of my ex that all the trouble with the assault and then the transfer started. I don’t think I have what it takes to do that whole spiel again.”
“Sorry, man,” Hanson said. “Football and women just always seem to be a flammable combo.”
“Yeah,” I said and sighed.
The truth was, I was into Kina “like that.” Even more than I had been with Marisa. But I felt like a fool, giving up my heart after everything I went through last time. I didn’t have the guts to admit to Hanson yet, let alone Kina. I was just starting to admit to myself.