*****
Ryder
They are not your boys. Her words slice through my heart like a hot knife searing through a stick of butter. How can she say something like that knowing how much they mean to me. “Those boys are more mine than they are his! I’ve spent every minute of my free time with them. They’re mine. You’re mine.”
She lowers her heads, her voice a shaky sob. “Not anymore.”
“I guess not.” I stomp over to the front door, reaching for the knob to leave, but I can’t go. I need to see the boys one last time. I turn to face her again. Watching her struggle like this is just as painful as the agony pouring out of my own open wounds. “Let me at least say good-bye to the boys.” I know she’s about to tell me no, so I cut her off before she opens mouth to deny my request. “Please.”
She sighs and her shoulders slump, but she relents, waving her arm toward the hall. “Okay.”
One foot in front of the other, that’s what I have to recite in my head to get me to Aiden’s room because if I don’t, I’ll be liable to freeze where I stand. I never thought I’d be doing this. I know some relationships aren’t made to last forever, but shit, I thought I finally found that special person I could spend the rest of my life with. I guess that’s just my luck. As soon as things are going right in my life, a wrench gets thrown into the mix and fucks me up like a stick in the spokes of a moving bicycle wheel. One minute I’m riding high and the next I’m falling head over heels, crashing to the pavement. I always find a way to bounce back from hard times, but I have no fucking idea how I’m going to recover from the heartache of losing Madison and these boys. They have consumed me wholeheartedly. Every waking moment was devoted to them. What am I going to do without them?
I softly knock on the door and push it open. Both boys are sitting on the floor watching T.V. with their empty bowls pushed out in front of them. A lump begins to form in my throat and my eyes sting from holding back the tears that are threatening to fall. I have to be strong for them. Aiden needs me to be strong for the both of us. I clear my throat. “Hey guys, can I talk to you for a minute?”
I pick Caleb up off the floor and sit on the bed. He settles on my lap and rests his head against my chest. I comb my fingers through his soft, platinum locks and lean in to smell his baby shampooed hair. I pat the space next to me for Aiden to sit. “Aiden, I have to go.”
“Okay, I’ll see you later.” He jumps off the bed, making a beeline toward the door.
“Freeze! Come back here please.”
“What?”
I nod to the empty spot on the bed. “Park it.”
He plops on the bed, making the mattress bounce and huffs out a breath. “Fine.”
I shake my head and smile. I’m going to miss this kid more than words can say. “Like I was saying, I have to go.”
“I said okay, I’ll see you later.”
“No, what I mean is I’m leaving and I won’t be back, not for a really long time.”
He shoots up, his eyebrows furrow, staring at me in confusion. “You said you’d never leave!” Tears rolls down his flushed cheeks and he starts to back away from me. “You promised!”
“I know I promised. I’m so sorry Aiden. I don’t want to go, I have to.”
“No you don’t. You’re leaving me just like my Dad did. You’re a liar!”
“Aiden please...” I reach for him, but he yanks his arm away. “Aiden please sit down a minute.” He’s reluctant at first, but then sits next to me. I wrap my free arm around his shoulder and slide him closer to me. “I’m sorry Aiden. I really don’t want to leave you guys, it’s just what’s best for you and your Mom right now.”
He sobs, wiping the tears still streaming down his face. “I don’t understand.”
I hug him tight, placing a kiss on top of his head. “I don’t either little man.” I stand and set Caleb down where I was sitting as I reach into my back pocket to pull out my wallet. I kneel in front of Aiden and tip his chin up so he’s looking at me. “Hey, if I give you something, would you promise to take care of it for me?”
“Okay.”
Pulling out the picture I had in my wallet for the past ten years, I hand it to him. It’s faded and ripped in a couple of the corners, but this raggedy thing is my prized possession.
“Who is this?”
“That’s my Dad, and that’s me when I was about your age.” I smile. I can recall that day still so vividly after all these years. It had been one of the greatest days of my life. I remember my father carrying me on his shoulders throughout the entire amusement park as I ate cotton candy perched on the shoulders. I can still smell the aftershave lotion he used to wear.
“Why are you giving this to me?”
“Because it’s important to me. Just like you’re important to me. When you get sad I want you to look at this picture and these happy faces because that’s how happy you and Caleb make me every day. I want you to remember all the fun we had and remember someone loves you. I will always love you Aiden, whether I’m here or not. Just know that wherever I am, I’ll be thinking of you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Take good care of that picture for me. I may want it back one day.”
“I will.”
“Good, now bring it in.” I hold my arms out and he flies into them, squeezing my neck until I can barely breathe.
Sobbing into the bend of my neck, his next words break me. “I don’t want you to go Ryder, I want you to stay and be my Dad.”
I fist the back of his shirt, crushing him to my chest. Blazing hot tears scorch my skin; my chest cracked wide open, spilling out my broken heart for the family we’ll never be. “Me too, little man.”