Chapter Twenty-Eight
A machine chirped. That steady chirp was the only thing Jade could think about. Chirp…chirp…chirp… She lay on her side, hollow and vacant, listening to the beeps every few seconds. She knew they were there, Jeremy, Kat, and Ty, waiting for her to awaken. She didn’t want to wake though. She wanted sleep, mind-numbing sleep.
The heater kicked on and she couldn’t decide if she was warm or cold. Her pillow smelled of bleach. The fabric was coarse and starched against the slightest flick of her lashes. She stared at a half-occupied outlet and wondered if she lost her mind enough, if she could slip away into those tiny holes that sat empty, as hollow as she felt. She wasn’t making sense, but nothing did.
She wanted to slip away. Just let go of everything. Escape. Break from the pain. Never come back.
Her peripheral vision caught sight of her wrist curled under her cheek. Her nails were dirty. There, wrapped around her arm, was a band telling her where she lay. A familiar place, a place she visited many times a week. A place she planned to eventually admit herself and leave as a mommy.
That was all different now.
She was a patient, but not in a way she’d ever expected. She wasn’t there to be a nurse, and she wasn’t there to become a mother. No, they brought her here to finish someone’s ugly trick.
She lost everything.
Her baby was gone.
Her pillow moistened with tears and she wondered if she would ever blink again. Chirp…She was empty, too light to hold to this world, too vacant to cope, too processed to breathe. The door behind her opened and she quickly shut her eyes.
They wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t grasp the pain, humiliation, or loss. There was no one who shared in this baby’s life as she did, no one who could comprehend how real her child had been, how important to her sanity.
Footsteps moved nearer, then a soft whisper. “Is she asleep?” It was Kat.
“Yes,” Jeremy whispered back.
“What did the doctor say?”
“He said she lost a lot of blood and needs to rest.” His hoarse voice accompanied his touch as a hand coasted along her hair. He touched her as if she might break from the slightest contact. Too late, she was already broken.
“They wouldn’t tell me anymore than that because I’m not her husband.”
“I found a nurse named Heather. She said she contacted Dr. Bishop. She’s Jade’s friend and primary OB. She might give us more information. Did you call her parents?”
“No. They didn’t know.”
“It’s probably best to wait, then,” Kat said. “She’ll get through this, Jeremy. She’s stronger than anyone I know.”
There was a long beat of silence.
“I didn’t understand it,” Jeremy whispered. “When I found out what happened, I couldn’t comprehend why she’d want it, but now…” He took a deep breath. “Now, I can’t imagine her without it. She loved that child to a fault. I couldn’t understand how she saw past the evil that put it there, but she did. Everyday, I watched her adapt more and more. How’s she going to get through this?”
“She’ll get through it like she gets through everything else in this world, with integrity and blind courage,” Kat promised. “I know it’ll take a while, but I assure you, Jade will make it through this. I’m not saying it won’t leave a mark, but she’ll be okay. She is okay.” Her eyes shimmered. “She’s just … heartbroken.”
“God, I hope you’re right, Kat.”
Jade woke to the crushing realization that the nightmare she dreamt was, in fact, her life. Unable to deal, she fell back to sleep. A few hours later she awoke again to the same realization, only this time when she tried to escape it with unconsciousness, sleep proved evasive.
“Are you awake?”
She opened her eyes to find Lily sitting across from her.
“Jade, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you get through it. Dr. Zoll said there were no other options. Sometimes our children just aren’t meant for our arms to hold.”
Hot tears trailed down her face. Every word resonated with tawdry truth and she refused to contribute to such simple explanations for her pain.
Lily rested a hand on hers. “If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. Are you thirsty?”
Was she thirsty? Her mouth was dry, but even the idea of the effort of quenching thirst exhausted her. Swallowing hard, she looked at Lily and said, “Sleep.”
Lily took a deep breath. “The ache in your heart will still be here when you wake up. This is something that only time can heal, honey, not sleep or drugs.”
She nodded her understanding but said nothing.
Finally Lily said, “I wouldn’t normally do this.” She stood and walked to the door, requesting a nurse bring her five milligrams of Ativan.
Returning to her seat, she whispered, “I’ll do this for you one time, Jade. I know it hurts, but this type of pain isn’t the kind you medicate. You need time. If in a few days you’re still out of sorts, we’ll talk about other kinds of prescriptions. These past few months have been incredibly difficult. I’ll write you a script for bed rest and have Nancy start the paperwork so you can file for a temporary leave of absence. Not that I expect you to stay in bed or recommend it. I want you to keep yourself busy. Try to enjoy the holiday, maybe spend the New Year in Antigua. Take time to be sad, but then take time to realize all the things you have to be happy for. Doctor’s orders.”
She loved Lily, but she made everything seem too simple. That’s how most people would treat her loss, like it didn’t count. While they never saw her child, she felt it, heard its heartbeat, and in four more weeks, she would have seen its tiny face at her next ultrasound. Unable to prevent it, a sob escaped.
Thankfully, the nurse arrived. She took the pills and quickly swallowed them. It was just too much. She needed to make it all go away.
When morning finally came, Jade sat on the edge of her hospital bed feeling physically tender and emotionally hopeless. They were kicking her out, or ‘releasing her’ as they put it.
She didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to do anything, but apparently, her situation didn’t usually require patients to be admitted longer than a day.
Whatever.
She just wanted to get out of there and find her own bed, away from the rest of the world.
“You ready?” Jeremy asked from the door, his voice gentle.
She nodded. The simple movement required more energy than she had.
After she signed all the release forms, Lily gave her a hug, and Jade was escorted to Jeremy’s car parked by the visitor’s entrance where Kat and Tyson waited. Jeremy was very attentive, supporting her weight, speaking in soft tones. He seemed to think the slightest movement or noise would shatter her into a million pieces. He was probably right.
They all scrutinized her, waiting. For what, Jade didn’t know.
Kat’s brow creased with worry. She stood by the fender of Jeremy’s Jeep, wringing her hands in front of her slightly swollen belly. Jade had to look away.
Jeremy helped her into his car and fastened her seat belt. Before he closed the door Kat came to Jade’s side. Her friend couldn’t look her in her eyes, so she just looked toward the ground as she wrung her hands.
“We’ll be there when you get home. I went to the store and got your favorite DVD’s. I also charged your cell phone and left it by your bed, so call if you need anything. I’ll bring you something to eat in a little bit, okay?”
She wanted to tell Kat she didn’t need to do all that. She wanted to tell her she was okay, but all she could manage was a nod.
As she shut the door, Jade shut her eyes. She was a terrible friend, incapable of seeing past Kat’s condition, seeing everything her friend still had in comparison to all Jade had lost. She couldn’t seem to stop her envy from swallowing her whole.
When they pulled into her driveway, Jeremy again helped her to the door. He unlocked the door and a shrill, repetitive squawking pierced her eardrums. She jumped and the tight pull of her abdomen was like an emotional explosion in her brain. Jeremy cursed and quickly typed a code into a panel on the wall.
“Sorry.”
She silently nodded.
He got her settled into bed and brought her a glass of iced tea. Once he put in one of the DVD’s Kat had picked up, he told her he’d be back in a few minutes. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll be right next door.”
As he left, she rolled to her side, shut her eyes, and cried.