Chapter Twelve

 

Over the river and through the woods to Salt Lake City we went. I still wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but it was important to Blake, and my therapist and my mom both thought it was a good idea. My therapist suggested it would seem like I was trying to alienate myself from the situation if I chose not to go. So, I found myself in the passenger seat of my Tahoe. Blake had a thing about him driving. It was fine with me; it let me enjoy the scenery on our nine-hour drive up the I-70 corridor.

We left on the Wednesday after Memorial Day. Tuesday was our first baseball game and we couldn’t miss that. The team played admirably against Bob’s Automotive and we started the season off right, winning seven to five. It was a hard fought game, but in the end we pulled it out. What was harder was all the staring, especially from the Rileys. They came to check out the competition, and they were disappointed. Our guys looked great. Blake even hit a home-run.

It was weird to think that next week I would be sitting there with Madeline. At least I assumed I would be. Blake and I decided we wouldn’t let her be home alone until we got to know her better. That was a decision that came with challenges. Summer school was only from eight to noon during the week, only during the month of June, and we both had businesses to run. My mom had volunteered to take her part of the time, but she also suggested that I let her come to the café the rest of the time. She said I grew up there, and it only seemed right that Madeline would, too.

I was still thinking on it. I knew Blake was hoping I would go that route, but he hadn’t put any pressure on me one way or another. I felt like I had so many things to deal with at the moment, like salvaging my marriage, coming to terms that I would never have a baby, losing my baby, and just for fun, my husband having a daughter. And let’s not forget my body issues. Adding that one nuance to my life wasn’t an easy decision.

Besides, I had the feeling Madeline was going to be a handful. She had called the home phone last week since Blake wasn’t picking up his cell. He was driving and he’s strict about not talking on the phone and driving at the same time. He had given her the home phone and my phone as a backup. I can’t tell you how weird and almost painful it was to hear the words, “Is my dad there?”

I almost choked as I responded, “No, but I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home.”

I was in no way prepared for the conversation that followed that.

“You must be my stepmom,” she said, like it was no big deal.

It was a big deal to me. “Yes, I am.”

“My dad says I should ask you what I should call you.”

Of course he did. I rolled my eyes to myself. “You can call me Jessie, if you want to.”

“My mom doesn’t want me to call you Mom.”

“I can understand that.” Wow, this girl was bold.

“She also says you’re a real neat freak, but nice.”

If she thought I was a neat freak, she was going to think her dad was certifiable. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that one, so I went with, “Well, okay. Blake, I mean your dad,” I choked, “should be home soon. I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets here.”

But she didn’t take the hint. “My dad says that I get to have my own room and he let me pick out the color for it.”

That made my heart stop. I walked to the baby’s room with her on the phone and I made myself open the door. Surely I thought Blake would have asked me before he did anything. All I had wanted was one last look, but I was devastated when I opened the door to find it empty except for the painting supplies that sat in the middle of the floor.

“Madeline—”

“I like to be called Maddie,” she corrected me.

“Okay, Maddie, we’ll talk more later. Right now I need to go.” And with that I walked into my Carter’s room and sat against the still-red wall and cried.

Blake came home a few minutes later and found me there, sobbing.

I was furious with him. “When did you do all of this? And why didn’t you tell me?”

He stood at the door, not sure what to do. All he did was step in. “I thought it would be easier on you if I took apart the room while you were at work.”

I pulled my knees up and held on to them for dear life. “You had no right to do that. Where are his things?”

“Jessica,” he said as he made his way toward me.

“Don’t come near me. Tell me what you did with my baby’s things.”

He stopped dead in his tracks and stared hard down at me. “He was my baby, too. And just because I know about Madeline now, it doesn’t lessen the pain of losing him for me.”

His words pierced me, and on top of my sadness I felt white-hot shame. I lowered my head into my knees and cried into them. In my head, and even in my heart, I knew Blake wasn’t trying to hurt me and I knew he loved Carter. I would never forget the distraught look on his face when the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat and she called for the doctor. I’ll never forget his tears as he held our lifeless baby.

Blake slid down the wall and seated himself next to me. I turned to him and he wasted no time putting his arm around me. “I put our baby’s things in the attic.”

“I’m sorry, Blake.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I should have told you before I moved everything out. I was trying to spare you some pain.”

“I know. Blake?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think I’ll be okay? That we’ll be okay?”

“We haven’t killed each other yet.”

“I guess that’s something.” I almost laughed.

“It will all be okay.”

“You’re getting good at that line and lying to me.”

He pulled me closer. “I would never lie to you.”

I shook myself out of my thoughts at that moment and looked over at my truthful husband, driving with a purpose. It was like we couldn’t get to Salt Lake City fast enough. I couldn’t blame him, but I was okay with it taking a while.

I pulled the cozy mystery I had brought to read out of my bag. I wasn’t sure how much talking I could expect from my husband. Although we were talking more, he wasn’t a talkative guy and I knew he had a lot to think about. We weren’t only going to get Madeline. He had hired his own lawyer and was working on getting his name on her birth certificate and joint custody, and finalizing child support payments. He didn’t like to talk about it, and to be honest, I was fine with that.

I was a few chapters into my novel about a woman detective who just happened to be on vacation in Hawaii, when by happenstance a guest is murdered in the same hotel she is staying at and her love interest is a suspect. Silly, I know, but my mind appreciated the indulgence and the escape from real life. Oddly, the love interest was a quiet and mysteriously handsome man. No wonder I was drawn to the character. I glanced over at my own quiet significant other, who happened to look at me at the same time.

I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear.

He somewhat smiled back and turned back to the road.

I turned back to my book.

“Hey, do you mind if we get our lunch to go when we stop in Grand Junction?”

“Oh. I guess.”

He glanced my way. “Does that not work for you?

“It’s just I promised Lexi she could show me around her new bistro.” We knew each other from culinary school and she had recently opened up this little bistro in the heart of Grand Junction.

“Can we do that on the way home? I’m anxious to get there.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll text her and let her know.” I pulled out my phone and texted my friend, who I was looking forward to seeing. I had looked at her website and the pictures were amazing—she had this whole chrome-and-steel look going for her place. She was gracious and said Friday would work for her just as well. I placed my phone back in my bag and went back to my book.

“Jess.”

“Yeah,” I answered into my book.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I looked over to him.

“For coming and for trying.”

“My mom says there is no trying, only doing.”

I barely made out a grin on his face before he surprised me and reached over for my hand.

“Driving with only one hand. I thought you considered that dangerous?”

He tightened his hold of my hand. “I’m keeping us safe.”

I squeezed his hand in response.

“By the way, I noticed what you did to Madeline’s room. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I couldn’t in good conscience leave the soccer ball comforter you picked out on her bed.”

“She said aqua and black were her favorite colors, and she likes soccer,” he responded defensively.

“The aqua colored walls are beautiful, but no girl wants a juvenile boy comforter.”

“I guess I’m learning about girls.”

“And women,” I threw in.

He squeezed my hand. “Yeah, those too. Anyway, the room looks perfect thanks to you. It means a lot to me, especially because I know how hard it must have been for you.”

Hard didn’t even come close to describing how it felt to walk into the newly decorated room. It was completely transformed. It wasn’t only the walls and furniture. Once upon a time that room was my haven, I would spend hours in there planning my baby’s life. Now the room felt … alive.

I really did want Maddie to feel comfortable, so I asked myself what Maria von Trapp would do. She would have made some bedding from some old curtains, but since I didn’t sew or have any old curtains lying around, I did the next best thing. I ordered the cutest crinkle voile black comforter with poms all over it, and some aqua and white throw pillows to match. I also bought some curtains that went perfectly with the ensemble and a few accessories for the new dresser and desk her dad had purchased her. It all went perfectly with the white picket fence headboard he had made her.

It looked like a room I would have liked when I was growing up.

“I’m going to do my best to be a good stepmother to her.”

“Jessica, I’ve never doubted that.”

“I’m glad one of us hasn’t.”

“I’m worried about being a good dad.”

“Well, you already have the spoiling part down.”

He let go of my hand and ran his fingers through his hair as if he was embarrassed by the categorization. “I’m trying not to be critical, but I don’t think Sabrina has provided her with a very good life.”

I wasn’t surprised. When I knew her, she barely seemed to be able to take care of herself. But I didn’t like thinking she didn’t take care of her child, my husband’s child. It made me wonder what was waiting for us when we arrived in Salt Lake City. I also couldn’t keep from wondering why it took her so long to contact Blake.

As we made our way into the Salt Lake Valley, I turned to my husband. “Remember this place?” I had very fond memories of this city. I would have never guessed we would be coming back here over thirteen years later with our marriage in a so-so place and on the verge of picking up Blake’s daughter that he fathered with Sabrina. I wanted to know who scripted out my life, because they kind of sucked at it—or they had watched way too many soap operas. But I tried to remember the good times we had there, like the mountain hikes and tubing down the river, the late night walks around the lake and talking until I had to leave for work. I don’t know how we ever lived on such little sleep, but it all seemed worth it at the time.

“Yeah,” he said offhandedly.

I forgot for a moment who I was married to. Blake was neither sentimental nor romantic. I sighed softly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing. I was just thinking that this is where we met and fell in love and we’ve never come back here together before now.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to,” he said blandly.

He wasn’t getting it. I was trying to reminisce and he was, well, being himself. I turned to look out the window as we cruised down I-15. I tried to count all the Mormon churches I could see. I’d never been in a place with so many churches.

We made our way silently to downtown Salt Lake City where Blake booked us at the Marriott across from the City Creek Center. That’s where I planned to spend my day tomorrow as Blake met with lawyers and signed paperwork. It was also close to the castle-looking Mormon temple, so I planned to take a walk around there and maybe take some pictures.

When we arrived at the hotel I was suddenly nervous. We hadn’t shared a room since April, and I was still having issues with my body. Blake offered to sleep on the pullout couch, but I felt terrible asking him to do that. And it seemed so dumb. We were married. And it’s not like I didn’t want to have physical contact with him. I found myself looking forward to the times when he held me or kissed me, but anything past that was still difficult. He wasn’t pushing. He was a gentleman, as always. He had always maintained that it was my body and my rules, but I felt … broken.

We checked into a beautiful suite with a mountain view. Even though we were surrounded by mountains where we lived, I never tired of looking at them. Besides, those mountains above Salt Lake City were where I spent the best months of my life. I stood at the window and breathed deeply. My life was about to change once again. We were going to finally become three instead of two, but it wasn’t in the way I wanted. My mother kept telling me it was going to be one of those blessing-in-disguise moments, but I still wasn’t sure about God or if any blessings were in store for me.

I wrapped my arms around myself at the same time Blake came from behind and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my cheek softly. I barely felt the stubble from his own cheeks. “Are you ready for this?” he asked.

I shook my head no.

“Me neither.”

“Ready or not, I guess. Right?”

“I said we would be there soon to pick them up for dinner.”

“Give me a minute to change and freshen up.” I felt gross after being in the car all day.

He let me go only to pull me back and kiss me hard once. His lips lingered and I felt a release of tension from him. “Jess, I love you,” he whispered.

“I know.” I wanted to say I love you back. Sometimes I even felt like I meant it. But I didn’t say it because there were still times when I felt anything but love toward him, and when I said it next I wanted him to know it was for real and for keeps. My mother disagreed with me on this course of action, but she wasn’t always right. “It will be okay,” I whispered. It was the best I could do.

“Are you lying?” he asked playfully.

“I would never lie to you.”

“I know.”

With that, I left to prepare myself to meet the girl that would change my life forever.