Chapter Seventeen

 

After a rousing day of shopping, we went back to my parents’ home so Maddie could become acquainted with Dr. Davis Ryan. Plus, my mom wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. Maddie’s and my mom’s personalities matched up quite nicely. In fact, I was a little jealous. I had to be the bad guy already, and my mom got to be the good cop and buy her ice cream. Maddie wanted clothing that neither Blake nor I felt was appropriate for her age, not to mention against the dress code. Let’s just say there was a lot of huffing and puffing going on in the dressing room. I thought we picked out some very stylish outfits for a twelve-year-old. Call me crazy, but I think midriffs and butt cheeks shouldn’t be shown.

My mom practically smirked at me the whole time as I coaxed Maddie into trying on or picking out better choices. She could have been a little more helpful, if you asked me. She knew what it was like to have a teenage daughter. I was obviously clueless, but she kept squeezing my hand and saying, “You’re doing just fine.”

I didn’t feel fine. And I definitely didn’t feel like Maria or Margaret Mackenzie.

I wanted to run into the house when we pulled into my parents’ drive. I needed my dad. So that’s what I did while my mom showed Maddie around her flower gardens and the small pond in the back.

I found my dad in his office as usual. He never tired of learning. I wanted to be like him when I grew up. “Hey, Dad.”

He looked up from his computer screen and grinned. “My Belle, how are you?”

I ran my fingers through my hair and blew out enough air that my bangs took flight.

“Rough first day on the job?”

“It’s definitely not for the faint of heart. How did you survive me?”

“That’s easy, I had the perfect kid.”

“I love you, Dad, even if you lie.”

He winked at me. “Come have seat and tell me about it.”

He pulled a chair close to him and I gladly took it.

He took my hands in his. I loved his strong, surgeon’s hands. I noticed how aged they were looking and I had to hold back the tears. I knew my parents weren’t getting any younger, but I hated those reminders.

I wanted to tell him this was a permanent situation, but Blake didn’t want to say anything to anyone, not even Maddie. I wasn’t sure I quite agreed with that, but he was her father and I kept thinking that maybe Sabrina would change her mind. “I’m not sure I’m going to be good at this stepmother thing.”

He smiled with a hint of mischief. “It’s only been one day. You may want to give it a little longer.”

“Maybe,” I said with a smile.

“She and Blake,” he even said his name without wincing or his eye twitching, “couldn’t ask for more than you.”

“I don’t know, Dad, she’s not very happy with me right now. I don’t understand. If I had a trunk full of new clothes and shoes, I would be pretty happy.”

“From the sound of it, she’s not used to boundaries. I know it’s tough, but setting boundaries is how all good parents show they love their children.”

“Really? Because I remember someone letting me wrap him around my finger.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” My dad placed his warm hand against my cheek.

I placed mine on top of his for just a moment. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Speaking of boundaries,” he said as he turned back to his screen, “look at this article about how land surveyors mark property lines.”

It didn’t sound like my idea of interesting, but I gave my dad my full attention and listened to him explain how survey markers are invaluable. He was just getting to the historical significance when my mom and Maddie walked in. My mom’s arm was around Maddie, and Maddie looked at me more softly than she had earlier at the mall. She even smiled at me. I wasn’t trying to be a wicked stepmother, I was trying to do the right thing.

“Dad, this is Maddie,” I said as they entered.

“Isn’t she gorgeous?” my mother said as if Maddie weren’t there.

I noticed Maddie stood taller from the compliment.

She really was gorgeous. She had this almost wild tomboy look to her, like one of those Calvin Klein models. I wasn’t surprised; her mom had been the same way, once upon a time. What happened to Sabrina I don’t know, but I wanted better for Maddie. I really did. I knew I didn’t know her well yet, but I felt protective of her. I hoped that was a start and would turn into a loving relationship.

“Hello, Maddie,” my dad said in this authoritative way. I knew he was like a marshmallow inside, but I think he was being protective of his daughter. He was less unsure about the situation than me.

I noticed my mom’s warning glance directed at him and his features softened. “How are you liking Colorado?” he asked.

Maddie looked at me before she answered. “It’s nice.”

I smiled at her.

“Well, why don’t we all have some lemonade together before you go home?” my mom offered.

I looked at the time. “We can’t. Blake should be home soon and I want to be there when he gets home.”

Both Maddie and my mom lit up. “Excellent,” my mother said.

I refrained from rolling my eyes.

“Goodbye, young lady,” my dad said to Maddie.

She waved and walked off with my mom.

My dad turned to me and kissed my cheek. “Hang in there, champ.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“I remember a beautiful, unruly girl that used to live here. I think she turned out pretty okay.”

“Wish me luck,” I said as I got up somewhat reluctantly. As much as I wanted to see Blake, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone with my dad more.

“No luck is needed. Patience and long-suffering is more like it.” He laughed at his truth-laced warning.

I shook my head. “See you Sunday.”

“Love you, Belle.”

“I love you, too.”

The drive home was pretty quiet. I did most of the talking.

“Have you had a chance to call your mom?” I asked her.

“I did this morning before I took a shower.”

“How is she?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Fine.”

“Do you want to stop and get pizza for dinner?”

“Yeah,” she said with a little enthusiasm. Though I wasn’t sure I liked the one-word answers. Maybe I was asking the wrong questions. I had no idea what I was doing, but I felt like I was failing miserably. I guess even the von Trapp children tried to sabotage Maria. I just needed to be patient.

We stopped at Mama Mia’s and picked up a large pepperoni pizza. We garnered lots of stares as we walked in, so I wrapped my arm around her securely. This was Maddie’s first foray into Merryton. I wanted everyone to know that she was part of our family now, and to tread lightly with any commentary. The message must have gotten through as all of the conversations and introductions were cordial.

The only conversation that was heated was all for fun. We were playing Mama Mia’s baseball team on Tuesday and Paul, the owner, and I razzed each other some. It was all good natured, even though I was pretty sure we were going to win. Let’s just say his team looked like they ate a lot of their product. I had to admit it was fabulous pizza.

When we arrived home, I threw together a salad for Blake with some boiled eggs for protein. Maddie went to her room and put her new clothes away, or at least that’s what I asked her to do. I wouldn’t know. I hadn’t had the heart to go in there with her yet. It was dumb, I knew, and I’m sure I would soon, but I was working my way up to it.

When Blake came home, Maddie dashed out of her room and straight into his arms. I had two thoughts about the interaction. First, I thought it was sweet; secondly, it made me feel she was so happy her dad was there so she didn’t have to deal with her wicked stepmother that wouldn’t let her buy revealing clothing. I reminded myself I was the adult and tried to stick with my first thought. It was hard though, as Blake didn’t even acknowledge me before he kissed Maddie on the top of her head and headed upstairs to clean up. He had been so good lately about coming home and greeting me with a kiss.

It’s fine, I told myself, we’re all getting used to this new reality.

It was a nice thought, but as the evening wore on, I felt more and more like an outsider. Blake and Maddie monopolized the dinner conversation, then I was left to clean up while they put on The Avengers. I watched Maddie snuggle right into her dad and again tried to remember this was a good thing.

Instead of joining them I worked on my graham cookies and graham cannoli. I just about had the recipe and process perfected, and it needed to be, because the new menus I ordered for fall included the s’mores, cannoli with varying types of flavored creams, and the mini personalized cheesecakes. It was something to look forward to.

By nine I was exhausted—I still felt sleep-deprived from our long drive home—so I called it a night.

I kissed Blake’s head on the way to my room. “Goodnight.”

He looked up at me like he had forgotten I was even there. “Goodnight,” he said in return before focusing back on the flat screen.

“Goodnight, Maddie.”

“Goodnight,” she said back, but didn’t even look my way.

When I reached my door Blake said, “Maddie and I are leaving early tomorrow, so don’t be surprised if we’re gone when you wake up.”

I turned and faced them. “Oh. What are you doing?”

“I’m going to take her into Denver and get her a mountain bike and some other gear.”

“That sounds like fun, but don’t forget we’re having company tomorrow night.”

“I won’t,” he replied reluctantly.

With that, I left the father-daughter pair alone.

And over the next couple of weeks that’s how I would feel a lot at home: alone.

Saturday I did wake up to a quiet house. It was probably a good thing; my emotions were raw. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt vulnerable. I took the “me” time to soak in a bath and take my time getting ready, then headed to the cemetery. I hadn’t been there in a week, which was a record for me, but I felt the need to go. I stopped by the market and bought a bouquet of mixed, brightly colored flowers to place on Carter’s grave.

I wended my way up the windy road to the quiet cemetery. It was beautiful this time of year—even the town below looked merry, just like its name. It’s amazing what trees in bloom can do for the landscape. It didn’t hurt that the sky was as blue as blue could be.

I sat in front of Carter’s headstone and arranged the flowers in the little stone vase that sat near it. “Hello, son,” I said through my tears. “Well, your sister is here.” It was so weird to say that. “FYI, I kind of stink at the whole stepmother thing, so maybe you lucked out.” I wiped at my eyes furiously. “I hope I would have been a good mother to you. I read all the books and I loved you more than anything. I still do. That counts, right?”

I wondered if someone saw me if they would think I was crazy for basically talking to myself.

“So I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole life-after-death thing. I hope it's true. You know, maybe you could give me a little sign if it is.” I waited quietly as I held myself completely still. I even closed my eyes and tried to imagine what he would look like now at almost one. I wondered if he would be walking and maybe even saying mama, or dada. The thought killed me.

“And I’m not quite sure what to do with your dad. I was almost convinced we would be fine. Almost. Maybe we still will be, but I can’t figure him out sometimes. And Maddie adds a whole new facet. What do you think? Is your mom just being silly?” Still no answer. “So you really are a lot like your dad. The silent type.”

I didn’t stay too much longer, though I wanted to. I needed to get to town and do some grocery shopping and food prep for the barbecue. Laundry was probably a good idea, too. I also needed to stop by Jessie Belle’s. I got panicky if I didn’t see her for long periods of time, even though I had called Aaron every day we were gone to check up on things. I knew she was in good hands, but I liked her in my hands.

When I arrived at my namesake she was bustling. Tourist season was in full swing and I loved it. Not only did it mean we did killer business, but I loved meeting new people from all over the country and even the world. Our town attracted its fair share of European tourists every year.

I was greeted with lots of smiles and hellos. It made me feel loved, and for some reason I felt like I needed it. Everyone was anxious to hear about Maddie. I kept it all positive, and it mostly was. Maybe I was just bad at sharing my husband with her. I honestly didn’t think that was it. I guess I had just thought that Blake was going to finally put me first in his life.

I tried not to dwell on it or give in to those feelings. I was sure I was overreacting. Instead, when I got home I threw myself into baking some amazing rosemary bread to go with our honey-lime chicken for dinner. I also made a triple-chocolate mousse pie for my babies, or should I say, Abby’s babies. They loved that stuff. It reminded me that children did like me. In fact, a lot of children in our town liked me. I hope that the one in my own home would.

The house smelled heavenly and I was just about feeling good. Then my phone rang. It was my husband.

“Jessica.”

“You always say that. Who else would it be?”

“I guess you have a point.”

“Are you almost home? Everyone should be here in an hour and you know how terrible I am at grilling.” It was the one thing I couldn’t master. I thought it was because I lacked a Y chromosome. I wasn’t sure, but there it was.

“Do you think Shane could do it?”

“Why?”

“The Denver Bears are in town tonight and I thought it would be fun to take Madeline to the game. She’s never seen a professional baseball team play before.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry it’s last minute.”

He wasn’t calling to see if it was okay, he was calling me to let me know that’s what he was doing. “Have fun.”

“Thanks. We’ll be home late.”

Apparently he didn’t hear the sarcasm in my voice.

I don’t know why I was so bothered—this was how our lives had been, even before Maddie entered the pictured. I did things with my friends and he did his own thing. But now I knew: I didn’t like it then, and I certainly didn’t like it now. I was hoping we would be doing things as a family now. I mean, why hadn’t he asked me to come with them today? Or why couldn’t he have just come home? The Bears were playing dozens of more times at home that summer.

I contemplated canceling. I was embarrassed that once again Blake wouldn’t be there and the whole reason we were getting together was so everyone could meet Maddie. In the end, I decided canceling would only look worse and being alone didn’t sound enticing.

By the time my friends arrived I was in no mood to entertain, but I plastered on a fake smile that Abby and Cheyenne saw right through.

“Where are your husband and Maddie?” Cheyenne asked as soon as Kent and Shane took the tray of meat out to grill. Our built-in grill on the stone patio, complete with hearth, was designer-showcase worthy, but it hardly ever got used. It was a shame. I meant to change that, with or without my husband.

“He and Maddie are at the Bears game.”

“That’s nice,” Abby said.

“It’s not nice. The fool should be here with his wife like he said he would be,” Cheyenne exclaimed.

“I know,” said Abby, “I was trying to make Jessie feel better.”

I looked at my two best friends and I did feel better. They had that effect on me. “It’s fine. It’s good that he’s spending time with Maddie.”

“You are a terrible liar,” Cheyenne said as she gave me a little hug.

I wiped an errant tear. “I just thought things were going to be different. You know?”

“It’s going to take some adjustment. Like when new moms bring home their babies and the dads get jealous of all the time the baby gets,” Abby said wisely.

“You’re probably right, it’s just we were barely starting to fix our relationship, and I worry that it will take the backseat again.”

“He does have a horrible track record,” Cheyenne threw in there.

Abby smacked her. “We’re supposed to be making her feel better, not worse.”

Right on cue, my favorite four-year-old ran in and suddenly I felt better. “Jessie, Jessie!” Isabelle said as she ran into my arms holding her doll.

I picked her up and snuggled her to me. “Hey, sweet girl.”

“I got to touch the kitties and they are so cute!”

“Really? Did you name them yet?”

“Yes,” she said disappointedly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Connor and Avery each got to name one and they’re dumb.”

I tried my best not to laugh at her pouty face. She did it oh, so well. 

“So, what are their names?”

Connor and Avery walked in from the patio just as she began, and man, could that girl give a look that would wither most humans, but Connor and Avery seemed immune. She narrowed her little eyes and scrunched her nose like no one’s business. “Connor named his Ninja, and Avery named hers Whiskers, and mine is Cinderella.”

“Which is totally lame,” Connor said as he grabbed some chips I had set out for them.

“You’re lame, Connor!” Isabelle threw back at him.

“Please, can we pretend we love each other in public?” Abby asked.

“Technically this isn’t the public,” Connor sassed back.

“Go see if your dad needs you.” Abby glared and Connor shrank then retreated back to the patio. “I’ll be so happy when he isn’t a teenager anymore.”

“Well, at least you know when it comes down to it he loves you. I have one that didn’t come with any instructions or emotional attachment to me.”

“Give her some time. She’ll have no choice but to be taken in by you. Doesn’t she know everyone loves Jessie, the town sweetheart?”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to fly with her, Cheyenne. And I’m not the town sweetheart, or loved by all.”

Isabelle threw her arms around my neck and squeezed me extra tight. “I love you, Jessie.”

I squeezed her back equally hard. “I know, and I love you, too.” I set her back down so she could bug Avery.

“Well, Veronica doesn’t count, she’s a psycho.”

“Cheyenne, we have little ears here,” Abby warned.

“Who cares?” Cheyenne looked the girls’ way. “Avery and Isabelle, stay away from Veronica Riley, she’s nuts.”

Abby and I both laughed.

The men walked in with food in hand. I was almost jealous as Shane kissed Abby on his way by her. I didn’t really want much, just a husband who was present and someone to kiss.

Dinner was a boisterous affair, but I liked it that way. Our house was always too quiet; even with Maddie there it still seemed on the silent side of the spectrum.

“So I talked to Paul yesterday and I assured him we would be crushing him on Tuesday,” I said to Shane as we ate.

“If we don’t beat them I won’t be able to show my face in public out of embarrassment,” he replied.

“As long as we beat Riley’s team at the end of the month. That’s the one I care about.”

“They’re going down this year,” Kent said as he ogled Cheyenne. I was sure their relationship was purely physical. I think he was just as much a player as Cheyenne.

“Music to my ears.”

That phrase summed up my evening. I loved the laughter and kidding that took place amongst my friends, and even the arguing among Abby’s kids. I tried my best not to think about Blake, but he always seemed to be in the forefront of my mind. Was he really so clueless about how his actions affected me and our relationship?