Epilogue

 

As we stood together as a family at Carter’s grave, I couldn’t believe it had been a year. A year since I held his lifeless body in my arms and almost wished I could die too, and then I almost did die.

As I snuggled in closer to Blake’s side and watched Maddie place the bouquet of white daises in the vase near Carter’s grave, I thought it was amazing the difference a year could make. I looked up to Blake, who had tears in his eyes. We had never been to Carter’s grave together except for the funeral, and I was taken aback by his emotion. It only added to the tears I was already shedding.

I felt the lightest of kisses on my head and heard a whispered, “I love you.”

Maddie stood up and joined us. I held her to me and felt some peace.

“Does it hurt when you die?” she asked. She had been asking a lot of questions about death lately. Ever since she and I went in the attic in search of my old prom dresses she was interested in seeing after we read about Cassie and Eric attending Cassie’s prom. I had forgotten Blake had placed Carter’s crib and cradle up there. It was the first time I told her about her brother. We cried together and she hugged me fiercely, and for the first time she said, “I love you, Jessie.” And in that moment I realized how I had fallen in love with her.

I hugged her closer. “Sometimes, but I think for most people it’s peaceful.” I knew she was really asking was if it was going to hurt when her mom died. We still hadn’t told her about her mom, but I think she knew. I wanted to tell her. No, what I wanted was for her mom to tell her, but Sabrina refused. Blake and I had both talked to Sabrina about it, but she was firm in her answer. She told us we could do whatever we wanted, and that Maddie was ours now. That thought made me smile.

I knew, though, that soon we would have to tell Maddie the truth, and that broke my heart. I wasn’t sure how to tell her that her mother was dying. And I felt both guilt and relief that it could wait another day.

Blake left my side for a moment and knelt in front of our son’s grave and placed the football I had given him for Father’s Day over a year ago near his headstone. The act had me wiping at my eyes furiously and pulling Maddie even closer to me. I was happy she was a hugger.

I was happy about a lot of things lately, mainly the two people closest to me. We still had our kinks to work out, but I couldn’t remember when I had been happier. I was working less and at home more. The same could be said for Blake. Our nights were filled with family activities and laughter, a lot which was at Blake’s expense. It was nice to have another person in the house that also found Blake’s tastes and habits odd. Maddie and I giggled at them together frequently.

My heart was slowly starting to heal. I knew I would never get over the death of my son. I don’t think it is something you’re supposed to get over, but Blake and Maddie added patches to my heart that made me feel mostly whole.

I could see Blake’s shoulders shake as he knelt at the grave, and it broke my heart. We had talked more about Carter lately than we ever had. I wished we could have been more open with each other earlier. It would have been beneficial for both of us. I didn’t realize how deeply Blake’s hurt ran and how scared he was of losing me. I loved laying in his arms at night and talking to him. He actually talked. And I loved even more waking up in his arms. He had somehow magically gotten over the whole can’t-sleep-close-to-another thing. I guess sleeping apart for those few months was not easy on him and he missed me.

I moved forward with Maddie next to me and rested my hand on Blake’s shoulder. He reached up and held it firmly with his own. I looked up to the sun-filled azure sky, and for the first time in months, felt like maybe God was there.

Blake stood after several minutes and gathered both Maddie and me in his strong arms. I loved the feel of us all together.

“Dad, I can’t breathe,” Maddie said after a long moment.

Blake chuckled and released us. He looked at me and smiled warmly, wiping the tears from my cheeks. We then took our leave hand in hand back to our car. Blake opened my door for me. He was taking tips from Maddie. She had taken it upon herself to give him relationship advice.

I still grinned at him every time and he still played it off like it was no big deal.

Our drive to the Richters’ house was mostly silent. Maddie was spending the day with Katie.

“Love you,” Maddie called out to us as she exited the vehicle.

“Love you,” Blake and I both responded in unison.

We watched her until she was securely in their home.

“I suppose you have to get back to work?” I said to Blake as he backed out of the Richters’ driveway.

“Unfortunately, but first I have something to show you.”

“Is this a private showing?” I somewhat teased.

He grinned seductively at me. “I wish. But I would be up for a private showing later tonight.”

“It’s a date.”

He reached over and smoothed my hair. “I can’t wait.”

Me neither, I thought to myself. I was thankful that one kink had worked itself out quite nicely.

Blake pulled into our drive and stopped near the house instead of pulling into the garage. “Wait here for a minute,” he instructed me.

“Okay.” I smiled, wondering what all the mystery was about. I watched him walk into the house and then waited for the minute he instructed me to. He came back out looking pleased, and he opened my door for me and held out his hand. I took it and he led the way back into the house.

I couldn’t see anything different as we walked through the mud room and then into the great room. Then Blake turned me toward the fireplace. I gasped and held my hand to my mouth. Tears flooded my eyes as I looked up at a grinning Blake. I walked slowly toward the painting of the woman at a crossroads in her life. The woman that had me mesmerized and that had frequented my dreams. Margaret Mackenzie had become a hero in my life. I had thought of her and her choices often, her courageous and bold choice to turn toward the cold, unforgiving water and to take a chance on love and even God. And now here she hung above my fireplace.

“Oh, Blake, I love it! Thank you,” I said as I held him tight. “How did you manage this?”

“I had some help from your dad this morning.”

I loved that those two were somewhat getting along. My dad was still not happy that Blake wouldn’t come to church or Sunday dinner, but they were at least talking.

“It’s so expensive.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said lightheartedly, “but I decided a Harley could wait.”

I pulled back from him and looked up into those eyes of his. “You gave up your motorcycle for the painting?”

“For the painting and the retainer fee for an adoption lawyer.” He said it like it was no big deal.

I felt like my heart had burst for a moment as this massive surge of love pumped through it. “Blake, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” I was almost afraid to hear the answer.

He lovingly kissed my forehead and lingered there. The warmth of his lips had me feeling tingly. His lips left my skin and he smiled back down on me. “Jess, will you adopt a baby with me?”

My words caught in my throat as I tried to answer, and I realized for the first time that my mother was right. I could see forever in his eyes. The emotion only allowed me to nod.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I nodded again in the affirmative.

“I set up an appointment for next week.”

I finally found my words. “I love you.”

“I sure hope so,” he teased. “I almost cried when the Harley dealer called with an amazing deal that I had to turn down.”

“How ever will I make that up to you?”

He pulled me flush against him, “For starters, I think I’m going to be late to work.”