Chapter Twenty

 

I tried to deal with my loneliness and frustration in healthy ways. I talked to my therapist and tried to keep myself busy with projects or with Cheyenne and Abby. I even babysat Emmy a couple of nights. My therapist suggested I talk to Blake, but I didn’t want to seem like a needy wife or like I was jealous. I wasn’t either. Part of me could understand all the time he was spending with her. I knew he was trying to make up for lost time, but we had lost time to make up for, too.

I didn’t dare talk to my parents about it, though I think my mom kind of knew. She wasn’t as pro-Blake as she normally was. She wasn’t anti-Blake either, but during Sunday dinner she kept saying things like, “Blake really needs to get his priorities straight.” Of course my dad was in full agreement.

The problem was I was pretty sure Blake thought he did have his priorities straight. Maddie was happy and so was he, seemingly happier than he had ever been.

My relationship with Maddie was good, but I had become the enforcer. You know, the one that made her do her homework and clean up. Blake was Disneyland Dad and came home every night and whisked her away to do something fun, whether it was bowling or soccer in the park.

The only thing I think she enjoyed with me was when I read to her. I was surprised she allowed me to, but she took right to it. We would come home from Jessie Belle’s and sit on the couch with her leaning against me and I would read these ridiculous teen spy books to her until her dad came home. She told me that no one had ever really read to her before.

I did enjoy our conversations while we read. There was a love interest in the book, and apparently Maddie was already boy crazy.

“When I grow up, I’m going to marry someone hot and rich, just like Eric.”

Eric was Cassie’s (the main character’s) unrequited love, if you can have unrequited love at sixteen. You could tell Eric had a thing for Cassie, but circumstances and misunderstandings kept getting in their way. Like, you know, Eric was a supposed criminal. He was a bad-boy with a good heart, just what every girl loved.

“Will he be a thief too?” I teased.

“No …”

“That’s good to know. But don’t be fooled by money or looks. Those only go so far. Make sure you find someone that respects you and treats you right.”

“Someone like my dad?” she asked innocently.

“Yeah … someone like your dad,” I said without choking.

“I can’t wait to have a boyfriend someday.”

“Oh, yeah.” I kissed the top of her head. “Let’s give it a few years.”

“Why?”

“Because, honey, you have a lifetime ahead of you. For now have fun and enjoy being a kid. Boys have a way of complicating your life, especially if you start dating too early.”

“Do you think that’s what happened to my mom?”

I set the book down and pulled her closer to me. “What do you mean?”

She paused for a few seconds. “My mom said that men ruined her life.”

I wasn’t surprised by that news. Sabrina was one of those women that seemed to need a man to complete her, and she didn’t care if he treated her poorly. I don’t know how many times I had told her to break up with Hal when we were living together. She talked about him like she would die if he ever left her, yet he treated her like trash, calling her names and cheating on her. But she always crawled back to him.

“Honey, I don’t know what happened with your mom, but always remember that you don’t need to change for anyone. And get to know yourself first. Does that make sense?”

“Not really.”

“What I mean is that you learn all you can about what you like to do and what makes you happy. Go to school, travel, and meet lots of people. Then, when the time is right, a long time from now, you’ll attract somebody as wonderful as you. And maybe he’ll be hot and have lots of money.”

She giggled.

“Hey,” she said suddenly, like she remembered something. “Can I enter the art contest at Jessie Belle’s?”

I had forgotten she had told me she liked to draw. “I wish you could, but you’re not old enough yet, and it would be unfair since we’re related.”

“Not really,” she said.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. “Well, your dad is my husband, so like it or not, we’re sort of related.”

“I like it,” she said quietly.

“Me, too.” I kissed her head. “How about this? I’ll get you a sketch pad and you can draw some pictures and I’ll get them framed and hang them in the café.”

“Really?” She looked up to me and beamed.

I nodded and smiled back.

If only every moment was like that with her.

And if only I took my own advice and made her dad treat me like he should. I ended up getting a little unexpected help in that department. I don’t know if it was God or a Higher Power, as I was still not sure about all that, but let’s just say sometimes things work out in mysterious ways.

Since Blake was wrapped up in his own world, I focused on taking care of myself. I made going to the gym an almost every night thing, and then hung out with my friends. It was almost like we were back in school, but Abby had an earlier curfew with her kiddos. And we did things like helping Abby make scrapbooks for her kids. We were really wild like that.

It was on one of these nights that fate, or whatever you called it, stepped in. It was a Wednesday, which meant Rob was teaching Zumba. It had quickly become my favorite class. He had this way of infusing energy into the class. He mixed Latin dance moves with hip hop, and it made burning calories fun. He was so good they moved his class from the exercise room to the gym to accommodate the fifty or so women that showed up to his class every week. We had women of all ages, from young teens to Nancy, who was in her seventies. I hoped that would be me when I was her age.

There I was, sweating and burning massive calories along with my worries about my marriage. It was almost better than therapy. That night was especially fun, as Rob introduced a salsa number. He picked me to help show off some of the moves. I had taken some dance classes years ago in college, so I was kind of rusty, but I tried to let go and just have fun like the old me.

By the end of class I was drenched in sweat, but I had that exercise-high feeling going for me. I was downing my water bottle when my instructor approached me.

“You have some potential,” he said.

“Thanks, I think.”

He laughed. “Seriously, you have some great moves. My wife and I teach a salsa class in Evergreen; you should sign up.”

“That sounds like fun. Do I have to sign up with a partner?”

He touched my arm, “No. Believe me you’ll have partners lining up—” He stopped mid-sentence. He froze, and his eyes widened and fixed on something behind me.

I turned around to see what had caused such a reaction. I barely had time to process that it was Blake before his hands found my face and his lips pressed hard against mine. For a second my brain said, “You’re making a public spectacle of yourself.” But then my brain shut down as soon as his warm lips parted mine and I could taste the lingering effects of the sugar-free mints he always kept handy. The kiss was brief, but it had me buzzing. When he released my lips he still kept a hold of my face. I could see anger in his eyes, but I couldn’t understand why.

“Hi,” I said breathless.

He didn’t say a word, he just brushed my lips once more and released me, and immediately took up my hand instead. I quickly understood where the ire was coming from as he stared hard at Rob. I just didn’t understand why he was upset with him. He didn’t even know him, at least I didn’t think he did.

In the awkward silence I said, “Rob, this is my husband, Blake, if you haven’t already guessed.”

“Nice to meet you,” Rob said nervously.

“Hmm …” my husband replied rudely.

“I better be going,” Rob said as he hightailed it away from us.

I looked up to Blake. “What was all that about?”

He still watched Rob as he walked away to the other side of the gym to put up the sound system. Once Rob was far away he looked down at me. “Hi.”

“Hi. What are you doing here?”

“I was playing racquetball with Maddie.”

I looked up to where the racquetball courts overlooked the gym. I always thought it was weird that the racquetball players could peer down into the gym.

I looked around. “Where is she?”

“She went to the teen room to play ping pong with her friend Katie.”

I let go of Blake to retrieve my bag, towel, and almost empty water bottle. I was a little off-balance. I couldn’t tell if it was from the intense workout or the kiss—maybe a combination of both. I threw the towel around my neck and downed the last bit of my water. I turned to leave as soon as the bottle was empty. Blake followed and picked up my hand again. He was behaving very oddly, and it didn’t help that everyone in the whole gym was staring at us. We had once again given the people of Merryton a show.

“I think it’s time I teach you how to play racquetball,” he said on our way out of the gym’s already-opened double doors.

I stopped dead in my tracks outside the doors. “What happened to ‘I’ll get you an instructor’?”

He grinned and pulled me to him. “I’ve decided I better teach you myself.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Hmm …”

“Is that a yes?”

“I’ll think about it,” I replied.

“What do you mean you’ll think about it?” His eyes practically danced with amusement.

I didn’t think there was anything funny about this at all. I was still confused where this was all coming from. “Well, I know how busy you are.”

His eyes narrowed in concern and he gently pulled me around the corner to a more private area. I leaned against the brick wall trying to avert my eyes as he hovered above me with his hand against the wall for support. “What’s wrong?”

My head shot up and looked directly into his eyes. “Are you kidding me?”

“Jess?”

“Blake, I’ve barely seen you or talked to you in the last two weeks.”

“What do you mean? We see each other every day.”

“Sure, long enough for you to change your clothes and dash out the door with Maddie.”

“Wait. Are you jealous of her?”

He might as well have slapped me. I couldn’t help it, my eyes welled up with tears. “You don’t know me at all. I just thought after all of these years you were finally going to put me first in your life.”

His eyes softened and he leaned in closer.

I pushed him away. “I’ll be home late. Not that you would, but don’t wait up for me, Summers.”

“Jessica,” I heard him call as I briskly walked away, seething.

How dare he accuse me of being jealous of Maddie? I had tried very hard not to make this about her. And I’d gone above and beyond to make her feel comfortable in our home and to take care of her. Who picked her up every day from school and spent agonizing hours doing homework so that she and Blake could play all night? Oh, yeah, that would be me.

I headed straight over to Cheyenne’s, still drenched in sweat. I figured she wouldn’t mind my showering and changing at her place. Cheyenne lived in the new, modern-looking town homes they had built near the high school last year. They kind of looked out of place in our quaint town, but they fit Cheyenne. She was anything but quaint or small town. Sometimes I was surprised she stayed here. She was going to run out of men soon. I should probably warn Easton to be on guard.

I didn’t even have to knock when I got there. Cheyenne threw open the door with the face of someone who had just won the lottery. She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her entryway. “OH. MY. GOSH. Jessie Belle, I can’t believe you and Blake were totally making out in the gym after he flew into a jealous rage and punched the Zumba instructor.”

I shook my head and choked a little. “What a bunch of bull. Who told you that?”

She dropped my arm and her face went from elated to disappointed. “You mean it’s not true?”

I tucked my sweaty hair behind one ear. “Well—”

Her eyes lit up again. “Well, what?”

“Blake did come in and kiss me, but we weren’t making out, and he didn’t hit anyone.”

“But Felicia said Blake tore into your Zumba class with a jealous rage in his eyes on a hell-bent mission, grabbed you, kissed you passionately, and then sent Rob running.”

“Why would Blake be jealous of Rob?”

“You tell me, you little cougar. Rob’s like ten years younger than us.”

“Cheyenne, what are you implying?”

“All I know is that Felicia said Rob pays you a lot of attention in class.”

“He does not.”

“Oh, Jessie, would you look at yourself?”

I looked down at my tank top and shorts that clung to me from the sweat and then back up to Cheyenne. “What?”

She shook her gorgeous head at me. “You’re so beautiful, and apparently, dense.”

“Cheyenne, I’m a married woman and way past my prime.”

“You haven’t even peaked yet.”

“That’s not true. I have the first stages of crow’s feet around my eyes.”

She leaned in very close to my face. “I don’t see any crow’s feet, but it looks like you’ve been crying again. Now why’s that?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess because I married an idiot.”

She stood up straight, took my hand, and pulled me to her zebra-striped couch. That’s right — zebra-striped. “So tell me what the butthead did now,” she demanded as we sat down.

I sighed loudly. “It’s the same old stuff.” There was no way I was telling her what he said—she would have gone ballistic and never forgiven him.

“I guess I should have known by all the girls’ nights we’ve been having lately.”

“I’m happy for him that he has Maddie and that he’s a great dad, I just didn’t think being a great dad and a great husband were mutually exclusive.”

“Well, at least you know you can still get his blood pumping.”

“Do you really think he was jealous of Rob?” I didn’t think I had ever seen Blake jealous.

“Yeah, honey, I do.”

“There was no reason to be.”

“I think it’s good for Blake. The jerk needs to realize what a good thing he has going with you.”

“I don’t know about that, but it’s been over thirteen years so I’m not holding out much hope.”

“I don’t know why, but I have a feeling you two will eventually figure it out.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about my marriage.”

“I see the way he looks at you, and I wish someone would look at me like that.”

“You know, that’s what Maddie’s mom said, too.”

“Please don’t compare me to that woman.”

“There’s no comparison. It’s just odd. What’s even odder is that despite everything, I know Blake loves me. I only wish he’d figure out some better ways to show me.”

“Kissing you passionately in a room full of people isn’t enough?”

“Maybe for you.”

She wiggled her eyebrows at me. “I’d need a little more than that.”

“Okay, my one-track-minded friend, can I use your shower?”

“Help yourself, you know where I keep everything.”

And I did. Abby and I had spent days helping her organize this place after she moved in.

I stood in the shower and let the water consume me. I thought about what had happened earlier, and I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. I found it comical that Blake reacted in such a way, but I was hurt he accused me of being jealous. Yes, I had feelings of jealousy, but I wasn’t jealous of Maddie. In so many ways, my heart ached for that girl. I wanted to right all the wrongs for her, or at least make up for them. I wanted Blake and me to be partners in it, especially the homework part, except for reading. I loved that part. I found I liked having someone to snuggle next to and read to. I used to imagine myself doing it with my own children all the time. And though it was nothing like I imagined it would be, it kind of filled a need in me.

It was weird that Maddie had not once gone to my mom’s after school. My mom was clamoring to have her over, but I’d just been so worried about her falling further behind in school. I had wanted to talk to Blake about getting her a tutor for the fall—I thought she needed help beyond what I could do. But finding time to talk to Blake alone had been hard to come by.

I leaned against the tiled wall of Cheyenne’s shower and breathed in and out slowly. Were we ever going to get this right? I didn’t understand why our marriage had to be so hard.

By the time I got out of the shower, the hot water had run out. I guess I had gotten lost in my thoughts. I had to borrow some of Cheyenne’s clothes. She set me up with some Nike shorts and a tight-fitting tee.

Abby joined us for some Chinese takeout and laughter. Women need women, pure and simple. I left Cheyenne’s at eleven that night feeling somewhat like my old self. I still didn’t know what to do about my idiot husband, but I felt loved and valued, at least by my friends.

I walked into a dark and quiet home. I wasn’t expecting anything else and it was probably for the best. I was tired and in no mood to talk to Blake. I was about to learn that he didn’t feel the same way. Could we ever be on the same page?

I walked into my room and flipped on my light, and there Blake lay on our bed, shirtless, in black pajama pants, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling fan above that he must have turned on. I had been keeping it off since Blake kept the air blasting at arctic levels. He didn’t even look at me or act like he needed to adjust his eyes from the light.

“What are you doing here?”

He slowly shifted his focus to me. He had brooding, as well as sex appeal, down to a science. I could see the definition of every muscle from his arms, down his chest, and to his abdomen. I think sinewy described him perfectly. I would be surprised if he had an ounce of fat on him. My heart picked up just a little. Then I remembered how dumb he was and I quit ogling him and walked toward the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” he answered.

I turned from the sliding bathroom door and looked at him. “And why are you here?” I asked again.

He turned to his side and propped his head up on his hand. It was another great view of him. “I thought we agreed this was still my room, too.”

“Perhaps I’ve changed my mind.”

“Jess, we need to talk.”

“It’s late.”

“Is it too late for us?”

I sighed loudly. That question had double meaning. “Let me change and I’ll be right back.”

He lay back down and went back to staring at the ceiling.

I don’t know why I hurried as I threw on my white cotton nightshirt and brushed my teeth. I turned off the light before I jumped into bed and threw the covers over me. I was freezing. I lay on my side and faced him. It took my eyes a minute to adjust to where I could see him clearly in the darkened room, a little moonlight creeping in from the skylights above to highlight his features.

Neither of us spoke as we faced one another and searched each other’s eyes. I don’t know what he was looking for, but I was looking for hope—hope that I had done the right thing in staying with him. And maybe I was trying to see if I could see forever in his eyes. My mom said it was there, I just hadn’t looked hard enough. I was trying, but I still came up short.

“Jess, why did you fall in love with me?” he quietly asked after several minutes.

“Blake, it’s late. Why do you want to talk about this now?”

He reached out and stroked my chilled cheek with the back of his warm hand. “Because I can’t for the life of me understand why you would.”

I reached up and took his warm hand. “Sometimes I do wonder.”

He let out a deep breath. “You know, I was almost angry at you tonight when you accused me of never putting you first, because when I think back on our life together, in my mind all the big decisions I’ve made revolved around you. Then I talked to Madeline tonight on the way home and she told me about everything you’ve been helping her with or that you said you would do with her. It made me realize how much I’ve taken you for granted these past couple of weeks. And then I looked back on our life again, and I realized I haven’t really done much to deserve you and how selfish I am.”

“Sounds like you’ve had quite the night.”

“So tell me why you fell in love with me.” His eyes almost pleaded for relief.

I thought about it for a moment. I had been so unsure of how I felt about him that it was hard to remember why I did fall in love with him in the first place. Then I remembered what, to me, were two poignant moments when we were dating. “First, there was that time when I called you, frantic about my car. It was making a terrible noise, so I pulled over on I-15 in the middle of rush hour traffic and called you on my cell phone. You didn’t even think twice, you came racing to my rescue only to find out there was a tumbleweed under my car. I felt so stupid. But you wrapped me up in your arms on the side of the road and told me I had done the right thing. That it was better to be safe than sorry.”

That got a grin out of him.

But that wasn’t the most telling moment. I scooted closer to him. “Do you remember that night you drove me up Cottonwood Canyon, and you pulled off on that little dirt road and we got pretty cozy in the back of your truck?”

His grin was now gone and he barely nodded.

“Remember when you began to unbutton my blouse and I told you that I wasn’t ready for that step and I wanted to wait until I was married?”

“I remember.”

“I thought perhaps you would be upset with me because you thought I had led you on. Or that you would try to convince me to do otherwise. But you didn’t do either one of those things. You immediately buttoned up the one button you had undone, kissed my forehead, and then you held me. The next morning you sent me flowers, I think it was the first and last time.” I smiled. “Pink tulips, with a card that simply read, ‘I love you.’ It was the first time you expressed that to me. I was afraid that maybe you would run for the hills and find a woman that wasn’t like me, but instead you respected my choices and even helped me keep them when I was tempted to give in.”

“Jess, I never wanted to hurt you. Then or now.”

Those pesky tears returned. “In my heart I know that. That night when you held me in your truck, I knew you were the kind of man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that would put my wants above his own and someone I would do the same for. I don’t know what happened between then and now. I guess life. But I want us to be that couple again.”

Blake’s arm crept under the covers and he reached for my hand. He pulled it toward him and kissed it gently, then held it. “I’m sorry for what I said tonight and for not appreciating you the way I should have. I hope you can be patient with me.”

“Well, I’ve come this far.” I smiled.

“Are you sure? From the looks of tonight you have some other options.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No, but I don’t like it when other men touch or hit on my wife.”

I practically laughed at him. “Blake, Rob wasn’t hitting on me. He was telling me about a class that he and his wife teach.”

“I don’t care what was coming out of his mouth, I saw the way that guy was looking at you all through your class.”

“Were you spying on me?”

“No. I only happened to glance down while we were playing racquetball. I had no idea you were there until then. Which is beside the point.”

“And what is the point?” I said, amused.

“For starters you should wear baggy clothing to the gym. And you should let me teach you how to play racquetball.”

“But I like Zumba.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll take up Zumba.”

“I don’t see you doing Zumba. Besides, I think it’s creepy when husbands or boyfriends come to class.”

“And what about male instructors?”

“That’s different.”

He groaned loudly. “Are you going to let me teach you or not?”

“I suppose if you really want to. But what about Maddie?”

“She hates it.”

“You sound disappointed.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m thinking there could be some perks being in a closed-in court with just my wife in her workout clothes.”

“And what perks are those?”

He reached across the narrow space that now divided us. We seemed to have inched closer to one another throughout our conversation, and he ran his hand up along my face and up into my hair. His eyes were giving off some intense heat. I caught my breath and barely tensed before his face drew closer.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t apologize. We’ll get there.”

“Promise?”

“You have my word.”