Chapter Thirteen

 

We held hands as we rode the elevator down to the parking garage. I could tell he was nervous because he was playing with my ring again.

“Do you think we would have time to visit Montagne before we head back to Merryton?” I asked as we walked across the well-lit parking garage.

He halted and looked down at me. “Didn’t I tell you they sold it? It’s a dude ranch now.”

“When did that happen?” I don’t know why, but that really disappointed me.

“A couple of years ago.”

“How did you find out?”

“Dane.” Dane was the owner of the construction company Blake used to work for in Utah. He was one of the very few people Blake considered to be one of his friends.

“I wonder why the Marcelles sold it.”

Blake shrugged his shoulders and continued walking toward the Tahoe.

After I buckled my seatbelt I turned to him. “Do you think the new owners would at least let us walk around the lake? I hope they kept the gazebo.”

“I don’t think we’ll have time,” he said, almost irritated as he pulled out.

“What’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer right away.

I knew better than to push, so I pulled out my phone and texted Cheyenne and Abby. We may have had the world’s longest group text going. I let them know we arrived safely and I was on the way to meet Maddie. By the time I hit send Blake was ready to talk.

“That place holds some bad memories for me.”

“Oh. It holds some of my best.”

He turned my way as we waited at a red light and his features softened. “Jess, meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me, but after you left, I—”

“Yeah, I know.” It was the reason we were here now.

“It’s more than that. It was a dark time in my life. I did some things I’m not really proud of.”

The light turned green and we began to move forward, but Blake wasn’t done talking.

“Madeline has already asked me if I loved her mom. Do you know how hard it was for me to tell her that I didn’t? Hell, I didn’t even like her. I still don’t. What kind of an example am I? The very thing that gave me Madeline, I wish I could forget.”

“So what you’re saying is you don’t want to go to Montagne or whatever it’s called now?” I tried to add some levity to the conversation. I figured it was the best way to go since we were about to meet Maddie and Sabrina. And to be honest, I really didn’t want to talk about how his daughter got here.

I could see him smirk as he faced forward, paying attention to the road. “Not really, but if you really want to, I’ll try and work it out.”

“That’s okay. I’ll think of something else for us to do.”

He reached over and ran his finger down my cheek. “I’d like that.”

I reached over and rubbed his neck. “You need to relax, because one of us has to be calm and I’m choosing you.”

“All right. Just keep doing that, it feels good.”

I happily complied. I forgot how much I loved the feel of his skin and running my fingers through his hair.

It wasn’t long before we pulled into a very rundown apartment complex in not the nicest area of town. Who was I kidding? It was terrible, and I worried about leaving my Tahoe in the parking lot.

Blake easily found a parking space next to some jacked-up sedan with the biggest spinning hubcaps I’d ever seen. As soon as he turned off the car he reached up, took my hand from his neck, and kissed my palm.

I smiled at him. I loved that particular expression of love and he hadn’t done it in quite some time. I took a big, deep, nervous breath. “So, this is where they live?”

“Unfortunately, for now.”

If I knew Blake—and I did know him—Maddie would not be living here once we returned her to her mother. I was surprised he hadn’t already removed her from the premises.

We walked up the old, wooden, paint-peeled stairs to the second floor. I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous about meeting Maddie or seeing her mother again. The jealous side of me wanted to claw her eyes out, or at least give her a piece of my mind. She knew how I felt about Blake and how devastated I had been when we broke up, but it wasn’t like we were the best of friends. I knew I shouldn’t be jealous—Blake obviously had no feelings for her—but she had known my husband intimately and shared a child with him, and that was a hard pill to swallow.

Blake knocked on 27C and then reached for my hand. It lent me some comfort, at least briefly. I lost his hand to his very exuberant daughter, who opened the door with gusto and flew into her father’s arms.

“Dad, you’re here.”

There she was in all of her glory: unruly dark blond hair, long legs, and her arms wrapped around my husband. Blake reciprocated nicely and hugged her tightly.

A lump rose in my throat, but I at least prevented the tears from forming. Believe me, they wanted to come out.

After a few seconds, Blake released her and put his arm around me. “Madeline, this is my wife, Jessie.” The only time he used Jessie was when he introduced me. It was like he didn’t want anyone else to call me Jessica, and I was fine with that.

“Jessie,” she said loudly as she hugged me. I was not expecting that at all. At the very least, I thought she would be wary of me. I honestly thought she might hate me. After all, I had married her dad while her mom was pregnant with her.

I remembered that I was going to be friggin’ Maria von Trapp, so I put my arms around her in return, albeit a little awkwardly, and patted her back. She was almost as tall as me, which wasn’t saying a lot, but it was weird. “It’s nice to meet you, Maddie.”

She let go of me and looked up at her father. “See, Dad? She calls me Maddie. Why won’t you?”

I laughed softly. Blake wasn’t into nicknames.

“I like the name Madeline,” is all he offered. “Where’s your mom?” he asked her.

Her face and shoulders immediately dropped.

Both Blake and I looked at each other, concerned.

“She’s not feeling well. She’s resting on the couch.”

We followed her into the dingy apartment that was uncomfortably cluttered with laundry, old pizza boxes, magazines, and who knows what else. It also smelled of cigarette smoke. I hated to think that Sabrina was smoking, especially considering she was being treated for cancer. I was trying not to stare too closely as Blake held onto me and led us through to their small living room. I was suddenly so grateful for my life, and even more grateful for it as I looked at my old roommate sitting on the couch, wrapped in a stained, white blanket. She was no longer the beauty I remembered. Her hair was thinning and shaggy, she had a couple lower front teeth missing, and a completely defeated look to her; maybe that was from her glazed-over eyes. I felt horribly guilty for every mean, spiteful thought I had had about her the past several weeks.

I looked down at my outfit and wished I had dressed down some. I had thrown on a chambray shirt dress and paired it with red shoes and accessories. It wasn’t dressy, but I felt extremely overdressed in present company. Madeline was wearing a tank top and tiny shorts, like too-tiny shorts. I had already noticed Blake’s look of disapproval.

Madeline sat next to her mom, but not too closely, as her mom looked me over and landed on Blake’s and my clasped hands. I didn’t feel guilty for that, especially after everything we had been through lately as a couple. The fact we were holding hands was a miracle of sorts.

“Hi, Sabrina,” I said nervously to the rhythm of my pounding heart.

“Jessie,” she said raspily and somewhat out of it.

“Are you ready to leave?” Blake asked somewhat insensitively, but I think he was just as nervous as me, and to be honest, their apartment had this icky feel to it. I think we both wanted a quick exit.

“Why don’t you take Maddie? I’m not feeling all that hot.”

“No problem,” Blake said immediately, relieved.

“Are you sure? We could stay here and order something in.”

Blake looked at me with wide eyes.

I’m not sure why I said that because believe me, I wanted nothing more than to leave, but she didn’t look like she should be left alone. She seemed off. I thought she was in between treatments, but maybe they were giving her some type of pain medication or something. All I knew was she wasn’t right.

“No, no.” She waved. “Maddie has been looking forward to this,” she slurred. “And I have a friend coming over.”

That made me feel somewhat better about leaving. I guess Maddie did too, as she jumped up. “Let me grab my shoes, Dad.”

I think she liked saying dad. I guess it was new to her, so that made sense. She ran down a small hallway and disappeared from view.

“Well, you still look as good as ever,” Sabrina said to me.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” I wasn’t sure what to say back—I couldn’t say the same—but she kept on going, unfortunately.

“You’re lucky you never had kids, it wrecks your body. I mean look at you, your boobs are still perky, you still have a waist, and your legs don’t have veins bulging out.” She almost sounded drunk.

I squeezed Blake’s hand like a vise and took a deep breath. I made myself not say anything. I looked at her in her pathetic state and turned the other cheek; she had no idea about our situation or about what my poor body had been through. But I thought as a mother she shouldn’t talk like that. It made me angry that she did.

Blake, on the other hand, wasn’t into turning the other cheek. His face was red like the coals in a fire. “You have no—”

“Blake,” I interrupted. It wasn’t worth it.

Maddie reappeared at the exact right moment excited to leave in her cheap flip-flops.

“Let’s go,” Blake said.

Blake turned us to leave, holding onto me tighter than ever. I could tell he was livid and trying to shield me from any other verbal assaults.

“Bye,” Maddie called to her mom.

“Where’s my kiss, brat?” Sabrina said somewhat playfully, but I didn’t like her undertones, neither did my husband.

Maddie reluctantly turned back and kissed her mom on the cheek.

“Don’t you cause any trouble,” Sabrina warned.

“She’ll be fine,” Blake said with warning in his voice. He held out his free hand to his daughter and she gladly took it. I was proud of him for thinking to extend her such affection. It was something my own father would have done for me. I always knew Blake would be a good dad.

Sabrina waved us all on and then went back to watching what looked like some trashy reality television show that wasn’t appropriate for Maddie, in my opinion. I think I heard more four-letter words than I’d heard all through high school in the few minutes we stood there. I was trying not to judge the situation by those few moments, but Sabrina was not “mother of the year” material in my book. No wonder Blake was anxious to get there. It made me feel guilty I asked him to wait a day so he could play in the game.

Once we were settled in the car, Blake turned to Maddie, “Where do you want to eat?”

“I get to pick?”

We both nodded at her.

Her eyes lit up like we just handed her a prize. She was easy to please, that was for sure. “Can we go to Provo?” she asked.

“Yes,” her dad said. “What’s in Provo?”

“There’s this really yummy pizza place there called Brick Oven.”

I smiled over at Blake. We had been there.

Then Maddie added, “My friend’s parents took us there one time. I asked my mom to take me back, but she said it was too far and too expensive. ”

Blake and I looked at each other uncomfortably. Maddie just said things like they were.

“Well, we haven’t been there in a long time and we would love to take you,” I told her in my best Maria von Trapp voice.

“When did we go there?” Blake asked.

I rolled my eyes. “On our third date.”

“Really?”

I shook my head at my husband before I turned forward and put on my seatbelt.

“Do you remember where this place is?” Blake asked me.

“I think it was near BYU’s campus, but I’ll look it up on my phone.”

Blake made his way to I-15 while I looked up the directions on my phone. We had plenty of time. Provo was about forty-five minutes south of Salt Lake City.

“Your car’s nice,” Maddie said from the backseat. “And it’s really clean.”

“Thanks.” I turned back to her.

I was surprised to see her sitting there so comfortably. If I were twelve and two semi-strangers were taking me to dinner, I would have been as quiet as a lamb.

“So what kind of things do you like to eat?” I figured that was a good thing to know.

She held up her fingers and counted off her favorite foods. “I love pizza, ice cream, mac and cheese, nachos, cheeseburgers, and tacos. And I can make a really yummy chocolate cake.”

I could see Blake cringe from the corner of my eye.

“Really? Do you like to bake?”

She shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Me, too.”

She smiled. She was a very pretty girl. I was happy to see a lot of Blake in her. Even her crooked little grin reminded me of him. And she was lucky enough to get his eyes and thick eyelashes. They weren’t as dark as Blake’s, but they were thick and long like his. She also had his olive skin tone, and it looked good with her dark blond hair.

“What other things do you like to do?”

“I like to swim, play soccer, go to the movies, talk to my friends, listen to music, you know, and stuff.”

“Well we have a pool at the rec center where your dad and I go. We’ll add you to our membership.”

“I already did,” Blake chimed in.

“Oh, good.”

“My dad said he’s going to teach me how to play racquetball.”

That caught me off guard. I turned to my husband and he nodded in the affirmative. I reminded myself I was an adult and whining was far beneath me, but I was a tad ticked off that I had asked him to teach me and he offered to pay for lessons. I turned around and didn’t say anything. It was only racquetball, after all. I probably wouldn’t even like it, I lied to myself to make me feel better.

I let father and daughter talk the rest of the way there, only jumping in if I was asked a question. And boy, did that girl have a lot of questions. Everything from did I dye my hair, to what did our house in Merryton look like.

Brick Oven’s parking lot was packed, which made Blake grimace. Too many people for his taste, but he didn’t say anything other than, “This place does look familiar.”

“Did you see the Y on the mountain? It lights up at night,” Maddie told us excitedly as we walked in.

“Yeah, we’ve hiked up to it before,” I informed her. “Do you at least remember that?” I asked my husband.

“Yes?”

“You’re hopeless.”

“Wait, did we go with Cameron and his wife?”

I nodded and smiled. Cameron worked on Blake’s crew, but only in the summer. He and his wife, Harper, were students at BYU and probably the cutest couple ever. They invited us to double date with them, and Blake had reluctantly accepted. We first ate at Brick Oven and then we hiked up to the Y. It was quite the workout, but the part I remember most was when Blake held us back to let Cameron and Harper get quite a bit farther along than us on the trail. It was the first time he ever kissed me. It was the first time I had felt like I was part of someone. The look in his eyes right before our lips met told a story, our story. I knew then I would marry him. It was why I was so devastated and confused when he later broke up with me.

Even though the parking lot was crowded, we were seated right away. The inside was bigger than the outside made it out to be. I forgot what living in Utah was like, as I looked around at all the very young couples and their young children. I thought of our old friends, Cameron and Harper, and the last Christmas card we received from them. They had four children with one on the way. It made me glad we didn’t move back to Utah—not that it wasn’t a lovely place, but it seemed like everyone there was always pregnant. That would have been really depressing for me. Even now it made me ache.

I touched my mid-section inadvertently. I wasn’t sure that empty feeling was ever going to go away.

Maddie got her first experience of what it was like to eat with her dad. Like normal people, Maddie and I split a pepperoni pizza. Blake, on the other hand, ate strictly from the salad bar. He didn’t even use dressing, which is kind of wrong in my book. I think Maddie thought so, too.

“That’s all you’re going to eat?” she asked him.

He nodded in the affirmative.

“It doesn’t look very good,” she added.

“It’s good for you. You should eat more vegetables,” he responded.

“Do I have to?” she asked with a crinkled brow and scrunched up nose on her pretty face.

I figured I had better step in. “We’ll try some different things and see what you like when we get home. Just enjoy your pizza.”

She smiled happily and took a large gulp of her homemade root beer.

“We don’t keep soda at home,” Blake threw out there.

I put my hand on his knee and gently squeezed it under the table. Blake was totally against soda of any kind, and it was the one thing he’d tried to convince me to give up entirely, but sometimes a gal just needs a Dr. Pepper. And I did keep some in the house; I just stashed it away from him. Believe me, I knew soda was bad for you and I rarely drank it, but I wasn’t one to get crazy about it, either.

Blake looked at me like, What?

I tried to convey with my eyes that he needed to lay off being the food police tonight. But I didn’t have to; we now had in our midst a very observant and unfiltered teenager.

“I think she wants you to stop talking,” Maddie said.

We both looked at her and she acted as if she’d said nothing out of the ordinary, with her wide, innocent, gray eyes.

Blake looked back at me. “You don’t want me to talk?”

“Of course I want you talk. I was just thinking maybe we could discuss some other topics, like perhaps all the fun things you have planned for Maddie this summer.”

“I already told her I would take her camping and swimming.”

Have I ever mentioned how dense he was? Okay, maybe dense wasn’t the correct term. He was very cut and dry, and he didn’t know women at all. Even though he’d been married to one for over thirteen years. I suppose that was my fault. Until lately, I’ve never really voiced my preferences, and if we disagreed, we were ones to agree to disagree and not talk about it again, which my therapist warned wasn’t a good way to go. She said doing that leads couples to feel like they are leading empty lives. I desperately didn’t want to be one of those couples.

I turned to Maddie, who looked amused. How odd, I thought. “Maybe we can go to Elitch Gardens too—it’s an amusement park in Denver.”

“Like Lagoon?” Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Yeah, just like that, but I think it’s bigger.”

“That would be fun,” she replied.

I smiled and nodded at her. “And I’m sure my mom has some fun things planned for when you stay with her.”

“Is your mom old?”

I shook my head. “I don’t consider her to be old.”

“My grandma was old and she died.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, she wasn’t very nice to me and she smelled weird.”

I tried not to smile at that last bit.

“Well, my mom is the kindest person I know and she always smells good. And she’s really looking forward to meeting you.”

Dinner after that was just a barrage of questions. She was definitely curious, and did I mention bold? Not in a bad way, but in a way I kind of admired. She reminded me a bit of Cheyenne, which kind of worried me, as Cheyenne and my husband were like oil and water. I saw some head-butting in our future, but for right now they seemed to get along well. I certainly liked her and her spunkiness. I hoped I would get more comfortable with her as time went on.

When we returned to her apartment, Blake and I were both surprised to find that her mother’s friend was more of a boyfriend, and a sleazy one at that. He instantly gave me the creeps. I leaned in closer to Blake. He must have felt the same way since he immediately wrapped his arm around me tighter.

We came in to find them on the couch, and it looked like we had interrupted something, if you get my drift. They were straightening out clothing and hair when we came up on them. Randy the sleaze ball had ick written all over him, from his greasy hair to his stained wife-beater t-shirt. He also had wandering eyes, and I didn’t appreciate that they wandered over me. My next thought should have been my first thought—I was still getting used to being Maria von Trapp—but I thought how I didn’t want this guy anywhere near Maddie.

Randy approached us and the smell of stale beer mixed in with body odor and cigarette smoke radiated from him. I had a hard time not coughing or choking.

He offered his hand to Blake, “You must be Maddie’s dad.”

Blake reluctantly shook his hand. “I am.”

Randy looked my way and I got the shivers. “You must be—”

“This is my wife,” Blake cut in.

Randy nodded at Blake in that slime ball sort of way.

I looked over to Sabrina and wondered why she would bring such a loser into her house, especially since she was the parent of a teen girl. It made me wonder what kind of life Maddie had lived. I thought her boyfriend Hal had been bad, but this guy was vile.

Maddie had stopped to put the leftovers in the fridge and make her mom a plate of food. I watched her as she walked in with plate in hand, and I could see her tense at the sight of Randy. That wasn’t going to do.

“Blake and I were wondering if Maddie could stay with us tonight?” I blurted out. I looked up to Blake’s wide eyes, but he wore a grin on his handsome face.

“Could I?” Maddie shouted excitedly.

“Yeah, why not?” her mom said too quickly and casually.

I thought for sure she would take some time to think about it. I mean, her daughter was getting ready to leave her for the entire summer.

Maddie quickly handed her mom the plate of pizza and disappeared back down the tiny hall.

“Do you want to sit down?” Sabrina asked us.

I looked at the options, the couch where she sat or a green recliner that had seen much better days.

“No,” Blake answered. “We need to be going.”

We didn’t have any pressing plans, but the sooner we were out of there the better. My skin was crawling. I’m sure his was, too. I almost felt like I wanted to shower.

Randy sat next to Sabrina and put his slinky arm around her. Then he leaned in and planted a gross kiss on her lips.

I looked up to Blake, and let’s just say he was less than impressed. He looked down at me with his reddened face and he mouthed, “Thank you.”

I smiled in return and he kissed my forehead lightly. It was as if for a minute we were alone and not in a filth-ridden apartment. It was so easy to get lost in him.

Maddie came back quickly carrying a small, black backpack and a brown teddy bear.

Blake turned to Sabrina, “Don’t forget we’re meeting with my lawyer tomorrow and I need a copy of Madeline’s medical records.”

She looked up at Blake like she didn’t comprehend what he was saying. Her eyes were awfully glazed. “What?” she questioned.

“Tomorrow,” Blake said irritated, “we are meeting with my lawyer. I need you to be there and I need you to bring a copy of Madeline’s medical records.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah.” She waved. “I’ll have Randy bring me.”

“Just make sure you’re there,” Blake said slowly and succinctly to make sure she got the message.

“Uh-huh,” she replied.

This time I took a hold of Maddie. I wasn’t going to let her go near that creep on the couch. “Let’s go, honey.”

“Bye, Mom,” she called out as we made our escape.

I barely heard a muffled bye in return.

I shook my head at the unfairness of it all. I looked up to the sky as soon as we were out. I thought, God if you are really there, why? Why does someone like Sabrina get to be a mom and not me?