Chapter Sixteen

 

All teasing aside, knowing that Blake loved me was a life preserver in the tumultuous waters we were navigating.

When we returned home, everything seemed different with Maddie there. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it added a new dimension. I had to think about things I had never had to before, like not wearing only a towel out to grab my forgotten phone. Oops.

That first night—or should I say morning—we arrived home was interesting. We woke Maddie up a few minutes before we made it home. We knew she wouldn’t be able to see the house well in the dark, but we wanted her to know she was home. It took some doing to get her to wake up, but once we did she was raring to go.

She eagerly looked out the window in anticipation of seeing our place. Our neighbors were few and far between. Blake liked it that way. It meant, though, that it was hard to make out the landscape without the lighting neighbors would have provided. Our home, at least, was well-lit, and when we pulled into the long driveway, I watched her—she was like a bundle of energy. Every part of her seemed to buzz.

“Is this your house?” she asked in awe.

I nodded and smiled at her. “It’s your home now, too.” I thought that was very Maria-like of me. Blake must have thought so, too. He reached over and squeezed my hand.

“Are we, like, rich?” She asked as we passed closely by the house on the way to our detached garage that Blake had already opened remotely.

“No. We’re not rich.” At least not in the general sense, but to her we probably looked like we were millionaires.

“My mom said you guys have a lot of money.”

With wide eyes, I looked to Blake to respond.

He parked the Tahoe and ran his fingers through his hair. He was sporting some major stubble and his eyes were irritated and worn. I couldn’t believe he drove straight through. I had offered to take over, but he had refused. “We’ll always take care of you,” he responded to his daughter’s, or her mother’s, lack of tact.

With that, she flew out the door. I was too exhausted to fly, or even move. I wanted to be magically transported to my comfortable bed that sat waiting for me, if only I could muster up the energy to get there. Blake was out before me and headed to retrieve our luggage. Again, I admired his stamina, especially as he brought the four suitcases in by himself, and in one trip.

Maddie walked side by side with her dad and I followed as we made our way to the side door. It was interesting to observe the father-daughter pair from behind. She was going to be tall like him. Probably not six-foot-three, but definitely tall. As soon as she grew into her legs she would probably be at least five-nine. Then they would both tower over my five-foot-five frame.

As soon as Blake punched in the key code to the door, Maddie ran into the house. There was nothing timid about that girl. He walked in behind her and I was left to open the door myself.

“Where’s my room?” was the first thing I heard as I walked through our mud room and slipped off my ballet flats. The cool tile felt good against my tired feet. I lingered back and watched Blake guide Maddie to her new room right next to ours and off of the great room. It was one of those “keep my head above water” moments. I clasped my hands together and brought them toward my face as I leaned against the taupe-colored wall. Just breathe, I told myself. Then I heard a squeal of delight and I smiled, closed-lipped.

I could picture her touching everything and laying across her bed as I listened to her commentary. “The bed is so soft and I love all the pillows. The headboard is weird though, it looks like a fence.”

I had to smile. I’m sure she had no idea her dad had made that himself. I didn’t hear him disagree with her. What I did hear was him giving her a small tour. “You have your own bathroom.”

Another squeal. “I’ve never had my own bathroom!”

Blake then began to be Blake and explained about not leaving water running, where to place her dirty laundry, and where we kept extra towels and toiletries. I didn’t hear any squeals of delight for those items. From there I decided to visit my own bathroom and get ready for bed.

I walked into the bathroom and the first thing I saw was my tired reflection in the oval mirror above my sink. I was too old to be staying up past two. It seemed to magnify the start of the crow’s feet near my eyes. Ugh, I thought to myself as I began to remove my eye makeup, or at least what was left of it after the beyond-long day. I was tempted to shower after being in the car for so long, but my bed was calling to me. I didn’t even bother with properly exfoliating and moisturizing. Instead, I threw on my pink satin nightgown and settled into my soft cotton sheets. I sank down deep under the covers, which included the baby quilt my little ladies had made me. Blake kept the air conditioning blasting in the summertime and I reveled in the warmth of the layers.

I looked over to Blake’s side of the bed. It seemed especially empty after sleeping together the night before. I thought about our discussion when we had woken up and how he had held me. It made me miss his arms. I knew, though, that even if he were there with me, I wouldn’t be finding myself in them. He needed his space when he slept. I was too tired to dwell on the issues that still needed to be resolved in my life and in our marriage.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a faint rapping sound on my door before it was opened.

Blake approached the bed. “Sorry to wake you.”

I had a hard time focusing on him and I rubbed my eyes to try and perk up. “I wasn’t quite asleep,” I said drowsily.

He almost smiled as sat on the edge of our bed near my midsection.

“Why did you knock on the door?” I asked.

“In case you were indecent.”

“We’ve been married for over thirteen years, I don’t think I can be indecent in front of you.”

“I don’t want to intrude on you or make you uncomfortable.”

I sat up some and leaned against my plethora of pillows. “Blake,” I sighed. “Please don’t treat me like a stranger. This is still your room, too.”

He inched closer and brought his hand up, his fingers gliding across my clavicle bone and up to my neck. His tired eyes were suddenly awake and penetrating my own.

I swallowed hard and my heart rate picked up just a tad. There may have even been some lip biting. I probably tensed up, too, but not on purpose. For a second, discouragement replaced the wanting in his eyes, but as soon as I blew out a deep breath and relaxed, the intensity returned to his eyes.

“Your open door policy may have me attempt things you’re not ready for yet.”

I reached up and ran my hand along his arm and up to his hand that felt nice on my bare skin. “Just promise me you’ll keep trying.”

My hand fell away as his found its way up through my hair. His strong hand drew my face closer to his. “Done,” he whispered before his lips covered mine for a brief, but stirring moment. His lips were tender and warm and he tasted like his mint mouthwash. I had always appreciated his hygiene, oral and otherwise.

My lips had just relaxed under his as he pulled away.

“Goodnight, Jessica.”

I released another held breath. “Goodnight. Did Maddie settle in okay?”

He genuinely smiled. Contentment was written all over his handsome face as he nodded. With that he left me feeling very alone in my king-size bed.

Even the buzz my husband gave me couldn’t overcome the almost twenty-four hours of no sleep. I was asleep in no time as I replayed our little moment and wondered when I would feel whole again. When would I allow myself to give in to the physical and even emotional feelings and desires that lay just below the surface? When would I be able to conquer the demons that held me back from expressing myself intimately with my husband?

***

I woke up to the sound of chatter and a blender.

“Eww, it’s green!” I heard Maddie exclaim.

I smiled to myself as I stretched. As weird as it was to have her there, I appreciated her liveliness, as Blake put it. I quickly ran to the bathroom, ran a brush through my hair, slipped on my matching pink silk robe, and quickly made my way to the kitchen to save Maddie from her dad’s green smoothies. Normally I was a fan of green smoothies, but not the kind Blake made. He used more spinach than fruit and also added some protein powder I wasn’t fond of.

“Jessie,” I heard before a warm body slammed into me. I wasn’t used to such exuberant expression, especially in the morning. I naturally wrapped my arms around this gangly teen that had crashed into my life almost literally.

“Good morning,” I said to her, but looked at my husband who stood on the other side of our breakfast bar. I wasn’t used to seeing him at ten in the morning on a Friday. He was showered and ready for the day.

Blake smiled warmly at me as I held his daughter to me briefly.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked her as I released her.

“I love my room,” is all she said. I guess I would take that as a yes.

“How about you?” I asked Blake.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Do you want some of this?” He held up the pitcher portion of the blender.

I grinned and shook my head no. “How about some blueberry pancakes?” I asked Maddie.

“Yum!”

Maddie returned to her stool and I joined Blake in the kitchen. I think he was disappointed Maddie chose my breakfast over his. I figured an olive leaf could be extended. “If I use whole wheat flour, will you eat some too?” I asked my husband.

“Sure,” he responded.

“Okay, watch and learn,” I teased.

He smirked at me before he downed his concoction.

“Can I help?” Maddie asked.

“That would be great. Why don’t you grab the blueberries in the refrigerator? They’re in the top drawer.”

She quickly jumped off her stool, eager to fulfill her task. “This fridge is huge,” she said as she opened the double doors.

I smiled to myself as I grabbed the griddle from a cupboard down below. It was as if our house was Disneyland to her. Blake was already washing the dishes he had used. I had to love him for that.

As I pulled ingredients from the pantry, Blake stole a kiss on my cheek from behind me. “Since we’re home, I’m going to work on a couple of bids this morning. Just call me down when the pancakes are done.”

I turned to face him. “What about Maddie?” I whispered. I wasn’t ready to be alone with her yet. I was just a Maria-in-training.

He must have noticed the deer in the headlights look. “You two will get along fine. I’m really behind.”

I bit my lip. “Okay …”

He took that and ran, or rather, casually walked up the stairs to his office.

I found Maddie eagerly waiting near the griddle.

“You ready?” I asked. And I wasn’t referring only to the pancakes.

“I love pancakes.”

I guess she wasn’t into responding directly to questions. “Well, you came to the right place. These are melt-in-your-mouth to-die-for pancakes.” As I neared her, I noticed how worn and thin her nightgown was. It matched the other outfits I had seen her in. I supposed a shopping trip was in order. Besides, our school district had an outdated dress code. I don’t know if she owned anything they would deem appropriate for school. I would talk to Blake about it later when we were alone.

I was still getting used to the fact that being alone had taken on a whole different meaning in this house.

“Do you want me to wash the blueberries?” she asked. “My mom says you always have to wash fruit.”

“That’s very good advice, but I prewash most of my produce, so those are ready to go.”

“I can stir,” she offered instead.

“That would be great.” I smiled at her. I was trying to think of things to talk to her about. Thankfully with her, she was happy to guide the conversation.

“My dad and I are going swimming later.”

“That will be fun,” I said as I measured out the ingredients and added them to my mixing bowl. “Have you called your mom to let her know that we made it home?”

She shrugged and the smile disappeared from her face. “I will later.”

“Okay, but don’t wait too long.”

She nodded unenthusiastically.

I wondered what was going through her head and why she didn’t want to talk to her mom, but I didn’t press. I figured there was plenty of time for that, at least for me. I wasn’t sure how much time her mom had left. And although I wasn’t impressed with her mothering skills, I wanted Maddie to have as much contact with her as possible. I didn’t want her to grow up and regret it. It reminded me that I needed to talk to Blake about talking to Maddie about her staying with us permanently and why. She deserved to know the truth. I was also curious to see how she would feel about this being her forever home. Not like she really had a choice in the matter, but I wanted her to feel like she did. I also wanted her to feel wanted.

When all the dry and wet ingredients were in the bowl, I gave Maddie the honor of stirring. I was happy to see that she was careful and paid extra attention to scraping the sides to make sure all the batter was mixed in. The only thing I had to caution her on was folding in the blueberries, not stirring them in.

I handed her the perfect size ladle for pancake batter. “All right, are you ready to pour the batter on the griddle?”

She eagerly took the ladle and poured the batter on the hot and greased griddle. I wasn’t going to tell Blake I actually used oil instead of the non-stick spray. The extra calories weren’t going to kill him. Once she was done making six pancakes, I handed her the spatula. “Wait until you see them bubble up before you flip them,” I instructed her.

It didn’t take long before those bubbles began to appear.

She went to flip the first one, and let’s just say it didn’t end well.

“Fetch!” she exclaimed as half of the pancake didn’t make it over and the other half went off the griddle.

I laughed at her choice of words—such a Utah word. “Don’t worry about it. Try to make sure the spatula is fully under the pancake before you flip it.”

She tried to hand me the spatula. “You do it.”

I shook my head no. “You’ve got this.”

In return, I received a pouty little look, but that was okay. I thought back to my own mother trying to teach me how to flip pancakes. It felt like I flipped dozens before I got it right. I remembered feeling a little unhappy about it.

She stood there for a second, spatula in hand, looking almost like she was daring me, but I smiled at her. “You can do this. Besides, pancakes don’t have to look perfect to taste good.”

Her crooked little grin erupted and I could see Blake. I could also see him in her eyes. There was a determination there. She tried her best to flip those pancakes. Fetch and flip were used gratuitously. I held back my laughter. When it was all said and done we had odd shaped pancakes and a somewhat frustrated teen girl, but I hoped someday she would thank me for it. 

“We’ll try again tomorrow,” I told her as she walked the pancake-filled platter over to the table.

“Ugh,” I think I heard her say.

“You’ll be making perfect pancakes before you know it.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. Do you want to call your dad down?”

“Dad!” she yelled before she responded to me.

I refrained from sticking my finger in my ear. Wow, she could yell. I had a feeling our quiet house was in for a major upheaval.

What was funny was how quickly Blake came running down the stairs with a panicked look. “Is everything all right?”

“Breakfast is ready,” she said innocently.

He looked relieved and annoyed. Only he could pull off that look.

“Do you want syrup?” I asked him. I had the pure maple kind for him. I was planning on using the high fructose kind and a nice helping of butter. 

“I’ll eat mine plain.”

Of course he would.

“You can’t eat pancakes without syrup,” Maddie said in shock.

“You’ll learn, honey, that your dad does a lot of unnatural things when it comes to food.”

He looked at me from across the table and raised his eyebrow. I winked at him and he half-smiled back as I walked toward him with calorie-filled hands.

As we all sat down together it felt momentous. It was our first “family” meal together at home. Blake sat at the head, Maddie and I each took one of his sides. We all looked at each other like “now what?” Blake broke the ice by reaching for one pancake. Just one. He looked at the misshaped pancake and then at me.

“Maddie made the pancakes,” I said in a high-pitched voice, hoping Blake would catch on and maybe say something positive. But I forgot who I was dealing with.

“Hmmm,” was all he said before digging in.

I quickly grabbed two, slathered them in unhealthiness, and took a bite. “These are fabulous,” I said with my mouth full.

Maddie smiled at me before eating her own.

Blake was done with his in no time flat. “I need to get back to work,” he said as he stood up and began to walk his plate over to the sink.

Maddie and I had barely just begun.

“Okay, so what are our plans for today?” I asked him.

“I told Maddie I would take her swimming later. Other than that, work.”

“Oh.” I was hoping for some together time since we had planned to have the day off anyway. I looked at Maddie, who had disappointment in her eyes. That wouldn’t do. “How about we go shopping for some new clothes?” I offered.

Her pretty gray eyes lit up. “Really?”

I nodded nervously. I decided then I was calling my own mom. She loved to shop and I’m sure she was chomping at the bit to meet Maddie. And I needed my mommy.

“I’ll give you some money,” Blake said as he reached into his pocket for his wallet.

Okay, that irked me. “I don’t want your money.”

Blake narrowed his eyes at me.

I turned back to my breakfast. I knew it shouldn’t annoy me, but it did. Husbands shouldn’t give their wives money—they should share money. I was also a tad ticked that he just assumed I would entertain Maddie. It’s not that I minded, but he could have at least asked. I wasn’t the governess like Maria, but I was the stepmother like her, so I was trying to act the part. But he should be acting his part. You know, the father one?

He didn’t say another word before he disappeared back upstairs.

“I’ll call my mom to see if she wants to come with us. We can head out after we’ve both showered and gotten ready. Does that sound good?” I asked Maddie.

“Do you think your mom will like me?”

I smiled. “I think she will more than like you.”

She grinned in return. But then said something that made me both angry and heartbroken.

“My mom said that your family probably wouldn’t like me because I’m not your kid, but I would just have to deal with it.”

I reached across the table for her hand and squeezed it. “You listen to me. My family will love you, not only because you belong to our family now, but because you are a great kid. And you never have to put up with someone mistreating you. Okay?”

She nodded her pretty little head. “I think I’m going to like it here.”

“I’m happy to hear that. Now let’s finish eating and get ready to hit the mall.”

That statement excited her.

We finished our delicious pancakes quickly and cleaned up. She wasn’t very enthusiastic about the latter part. I would even say she was put out, which reminded me of her dad. Not that he balked at dishes, but he could get grouchy when he was asked to do things he didn’t enjoy. Maddie was in for a rude awakening—she was now living with two neat freaks who weren’t used to having children in the house. It was going to be an adjustment, to say the least.

As I showered I thought about Sabrina and the kind of life Maddie must have led. I was trying not to be judgmental, but I wasn’t doing so well. I also thought about Blake and how I should approach him to give some parenting advice. I knew I had as much experience as him, which was zero, but at least I had an amazing father. Blake didn’t have that example to go by. If only he and my dad were closer. This seemed like a man-to-man kind of a talk, you know, the kind where a dad takes his son fishing and tells him how to be a man. Don’t get me wrong, Blake was a good man, he only needed some fine-tuning, and maybe some adjustments here and there.

I dried off and wrapped my large towel around me as I applied copious amounts of anti-wrinkle cream to my face. I was hoping it would stave off any creases or fine lines for at least the next fifty years. As I combed through my hair the door slid opened. At first I startled. I thought perhaps it was Maddie.

“Sorry, you said I shouldn’t knock.”

I looked at him through my mirror. “And I meant it.” I looked down at my towel-covered body. I suddenly felt shy, but I reminded myself that was ridiculous. I smiled at my husband, who also seemed nervous as he ran his fingers through his thick hair.

“Keith called. They need me over at the Anderson place.”

I turned and faced him. “I thought you were taking the day off?”

“You know summer is my busiest time of year.”

“I do know that. But I also know you have a disappointed daughter.”

“Why is she disappointed?”

“Didn’t you see the look on her face when you said you were working today?”

“She seemed fine to me.”

“Blake, believe me, she wasn’t.”

“You’re already taking her shopping.”

“True. Just make sure you’re home early and that you spend some quality time with her this weekend. She’s nervous about starting school and she’s going to need you.”

He walked closer, and where I expected to see annoyance in his eyes, I saw heat. Suddenly I felt flushed. I bit my lip as he drew near.

He closed the distance between us and reached out and ran his fingers lightly across the exposed area of my chest and over to my bare shoulder. Goosebumps erupted everywhere and I exhaled loudly.

He smiled seductively and then reached down and kissed my shoulder lightly and worked his way up to my neck. “Thank you,” he whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t breathe and responding verbally was out of the question. I wanted to ask what for, but all I could think of was Blake and his warm lips against my skin.

“You’re tense, Jessica.”

“I’m know, I’m trying.”

“Relax,” he said against my ear. “I’m not going to do anything … yet.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in, and tried to relax as he kissed his way to my lips. There he met mine gently as he held my face in his hands. I tried to remember when I used to be like putty in his hands. I let my lips part and he took the invitation and deepened the kiss for a brief moment.

But it was him that pulled away, if just barely. He gazed down at me. “You’re beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I whispered.

He stood up straight and backed away. “Are you sure you don’t want any money?”

And the spell was broken.

“More than sure.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Does that bother you?”

Be honest, I could hear my therapist say. “As a matter of fact, it does.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t like that our finances are separate.” There, I said it. It only took thirteen years, but there it was.

“Since when?”

“How long have we been married?”

“Then why didn’t you say something?”

I shrugged my bare shoulders. “Because that’s what you wanted. And I didn’t want to rock the boat with you.”

“What do you mean rock the boat with me?”

“Nothing,” I sighed. “You’re going to be late.”

“Jess …”

I held onto the countertop for support. I wasn’t sure why I needed it, but this was new territory for us. I mustered up my courage and then let it out. “I was afraid when we first got married that you would leave, so I didn’t want to do or say something you wouldn’t like. And like you said, you like that I’ve never nagged you, so I let it go, among other things.”

“Jessica, you make me sound like some chauvinistic pig. Is this what you think of me? And why would you think I would leave you?”

“Because you did leave me, and I didn’t know why. I figured I must have said or done something you didn’t like.”

“Jess, it was me not you.”

“I didn’t know that.”

He shook his head in utter disbelief. “So our whole marriage you’ve just done what you think I’ve wanted.”

“No … maybe.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

“No. Not in the least bit.”

“I can’t believe this. I expected you to tell me if you wanted something different. I never wanted you to just go along with my preferences.”

“I thought you would know or you could tell when I didn’t like something.”

“I’m not a mind reader.”

“No, you’re not.”

“So what else have you been unhappy about all of this time?”

“Nothing major. Well, except one thing.”

“What?”

I hesitated to tell him, but it was something I couldn’t quit thinking or dreaming about. “I don’t want to close the door on adoption.”

“Jess—”

“Please, Blake.”

“We have Madeline now.”

“And that’s great, and I’ll do my best to be a good stepmother to her and even a mother if it comes to it, but I want a baby.”

I approached him and reached for his hand, bringing it up between us. “I want a baby that’s both of ours. Someone to call me Mom.”

He sighed loudly and wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t know if I can do it, or worse, watch you go through it.”

“Please think about it.”

“I need to go.”

“Okay … Have a good day.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I’ll be home for dinner.”

“See you then,” I called out to his retreating figure. I let out another long sigh. I felt like we were re-working our whole marriage and the growing pains were just that, painful. At least he didn’t say no to adoption. He was nowhere close to saying yes, but I had a glimmer of hope.

I got ready quickly as soon as Blake left, but not quick enough for my eager mother, who had wasted no time in making her way to our house. She never knocked; she used the keypad and let herself in.

“Jessie Belle,” I heard her call as I finished blow drying my hair.

I met her in the great room and found that she was already suffocating Maddie with her death grip. Thankfully, Maddie was one for hugs and she didn’t seem to mind too much, though she looked like maybe she wasn’t too sure of this unknown woman.

“Hey, Mom.”

That got her to release Maddie, but she took up squeezing her cheeks. “You can call me Grandma.” I’m pretty sure her voice cracked.

“Okay …” Maddie replied.

“Mom, I think you can release her now.” I smiled.

My beautiful mother in a flowing white sundress turned to me. I prayed I would look that good in my sixties.

“How was your trip, honey?” she asked as she approached me.

“Good,” I said through a smile aimed at Maddie. I would deem it more life changing, interesting, or just plain frightening, but Maddie didn’t need to know that.

My mother hugged me tightly.

“Give me a few minutes to finish getting ready and then we can leave.”

“Perfect, it will give me time to get acquainted with Maddie.”

My mother had died and gone to heaven. Poor Maddie.

“Don’t scare her.” I winked.

Maddie laughed and my mom swatted my butt like I was a two-year-old. I rolled my eyes and retreated back to my bathroom.

By the time I got back to finishing up my makeup I had several texts from Abby and Cheyenne. I had let them know we were back early and now they, too, wanted to come over and meet the new addition to our family. I texted back they could come over tonight or that perhaps we should barbecue tomorrow night. We hadn’t done that in forever and I thought it would be nice for Maddie to get to know Abby’s kids.  Connor, Abby’s oldest, was the same age and grade as her. They both agreed the barbecue was a terrific idea. I hoped Blake did. Well, I knew he wouldn’t, but I hoped he could pretend.

I figured I better call him to give him an early warning, so hopefully he wouldn’t be so irritated about it by the time he got home. I had to call because he hated texting. That was for teenagers, he said. Adults should talk on the phone. I guess Abby, Cheyenne, and I were teenagers according to him.

“Jessica,” he said after the first ring. I had to admit I liked that he always picked up quickly whenever I called. I don’t think I ever made it past the second ring, even if he was in the middle of talking to someone or working.

“Hi, sorry to bother you so quickly.”

“You never bother me.”

“In that case, we are having a barbecue tomorrow night at our house with the Parkers and Cheyenne and Kent.”

Insert a long pause.

“Is that all right with you?”

“Is that what you want?”

“Blake.”

“Sounds good,” he said uneasily.

“Are you just going to go along with everything I say now?”

“I probably should, but no.”

“Thanks for your honesty.”

“I want you to be honest with me, Jess.”

“I am. I mean I will be.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Can you trust that? Can you trust me?”

“I think so.”

“Then I guess I have some work to do.”

“Me, too.”

“Hmm …” he said.

“What?”

“I don’t think you have any work to do.”

I twirled my hair like an infatuated teenager. “I thought you said you would never lie to me.”

“I stand by that.”

“I better let you go. Any suggestions for what we should grill tomorrow night, or should I say, for what you’ll be grilling?”

He thought for a moment. “Those chicken skewers you make are pretty good.”

“Pretty good?”

“Goodbye, Jessica.”

“Goodbye.”

I hung up and held the phone to my chest. We could fall in love all over again. But this time better, right?