Chapter Fifteen

 

“Blake, do you think that when we die we will still be together?” I asked as we drove to pick up Maddie.

He briefly glanced my way. His facial expression said he was perplexed by my question. I’m sure he was. We rarely talked religion. Blake wasn’t sure he believed in God, and he definitely didn’t believe in organized religion. He didn’t care that I went to church, but he never came with me. I suppose it was one more thing we didn’t have in common, except I wasn’t too sure about God anymore, either.

“Why are you asking that?”

I told him about my tour earlier.

I could see his eyebrows furrow as I spoke and my voice cracked. At least I didn’t cry.

After several moments of silence he reached over and took my hand. “If there is a God and heaven or whatever it’s called, I don’t think it would be heaven for me without you or Carter there.”

Okay, that was worth some tears. A few trickled down my cheeks as I squeezed Blake’s hand. “Do you ever think we’ll find happiness like the Mackenzies?”

With no thought at all he replied, “Yes.” He let go of my hand and made the left hand turn into the rundown apartment complex that held his daughter.

I could tell how anxious he was to get her. He was practically out of his door before he even turned off the car.

Me, I sat for a moment and took a deep breath. This was becoming real. This wasn’t just a sleepover. This was me becoming an active participant in someone else’s life. This was me accepting a new title and role, a role I never thought I would have—mother, yes; stepmother, no. I looked at the dilapidated apartment building like the woman in the painting looked at the cold, unforgiving ocean. Stepping out of the car meant I couldn’t look back. With Maddie, I knew I had to be all in or all out. Every child deserves that. She also deserved for me to work it out with her dad.

I almost panicked for a moment. It was like there was a line drawn in the sand, and there was no going back once I crossed it. I don’t know why it was suddenly hitting me. Perhaps I had been comfortable with the fact that I would try my hardest to make things work with Blake, but if it didn’t work out, we could still walk away. We lived such separate lives that it would be easy. Painful yes, but the mechanics would be easy. Maybe it was the wrong way to look at the situation. I knew Blake didn’t. But now … now we were adding a child into the mix.

Blake stood outside the car and looked at me through the windshield. It was like he knew what I was thinking. Our eyes connected, and his were asking me to join him on this journey, to have courage to face what lay before us, and to not look back. It was silly, but I thought about Maria running back to the convent, only to be told she needed to go back and face her feelings for the captain; in essence, to have courage. I knew if my mother were there she would basically tell me the same thing. But she would have opened the car door for me already and hauled me out to meet my husband.

I took another deep breath. What did I have to lose? Looking behind me was only causing me to be more miserable. I knew I had a lot to work on personally, and Blake and I had a lot to work on as a couple, but he wanted to try and he was trying. Without another thought, I opened the door and jumped into the cold water of the future. I wondered how many times I was going to need a life preserver.

Blake relaxed as soon as I met him. I think he was afraid I was turning back. He took my hand and led us back up those rickety stairs in a rush. He did pause before he knocked on the faded, peeling, brown door. He kissed me hard once and then without a second thought, he knocked.

This time Sabrina answered the door. She was dressed more conservatively than last night, in capris and an oversized, yellow t-shirt. She also looked more aware. While her eyes were not bright, they weren’t glazed over, either.  

“Maddie is at the park saying goodbye to her friends,” she said before we had a chance to greet her.

“How long will she be?” Blake asked.

“I told her you would come and get her when you got here.”

Blake raised his left eyebrow like how dare you speak for me? But she didn’t let it bother her. She just went right on talking, like if she didn’t she wouldn’t be able to say what she wanted to. “I was hoping I could speak to Jessie alone for a while.”

Blake looked down at me, and for some reason pulled me closer to him, like he was trying to protect me.

I looked from him to Sabrina. Her eyes were pleading. I was torn. I didn’t really want to be alone with her and I was afraid of what she wanted to talk to me about.

“Please,” she begged.

I nodded, just barely.

Blake was not pleased. He stiffened and his hold on me became more pronounced. He looked at Sabrina with cold eyes. “I won’t be gone long.” He kissed the side of my head before asking Sabrina to point him in the direction of the park.

We both watched him walk back down the stairs before we turned and looked at each other nervously.

“Please, come in,” she said.

I did so, but not very willingly. Her apartment made me feel dirty, but I kept telling myself it was only for a few minutes. I walked in to see two small, worn and tattered suitcases sitting on the floor with Maddie’s brown teddy bear sitting on top of them. Yes, this was getting real, very real.

I was glad when she sat at the kitchen table—it looked less filthy than the couch—but I still tried not to touch anything if I could help it. The wooden chair wiggled some as I sat down. I tried to remain steady and prayed it wouldn’t collapse under me.

Sabrina almost seemed embarrassed, but she quickly got over it as she had a mission to accomplish. She got right to business. “I’m sure you hate me.”

It wasn’t how I would have started things, but I didn’t call this little meeting. I looked her over and I couldn’t feel hate for her, pity maybe, but not hate. “I don’t hate you, but I do wonder why it took you so long to tell Blake about Maddie. Surely you’ve known for a while she was his.”

“Almost from day one,” she admitted.

“Then why?”

Her features almost turned sinister as she stared at me. It was as if she hated me. “I see the way Blake looks at you; it’s the same way he used to look at you when we lived together at Montagne. I always wanted someone to look at me that way. I’ve been with dozens of men, but never once has anyone looked at me like that.”

“What way is that?”

“Like you are his world and you complete him,” she almost hissed. “I thought when he came by that night to pick up his things you had left behind, that maybe he could look at me the same way.”

“And how did that work out for you?” That probably sounded cruel, but she was bringing up things I had no desire to talk about, things that pained me.

She almost threw herself back against her chair as she sneered at me. “Oh, he looked at me like no one had ever before, but it was in disgust. I think he almost cried he was so disgusted about what he had done. Then it wasn’t too long before I received your wedding announcement. There I was in my second trimester and you were getting married.”

She said it in such a taunting way it was hard for me not to react poorly, but I took a deep breath and honed in on my inner Maria. “Regardless, you should have told Blake of the possibility. He deserved to know, and Maddie should have known her father long before now.”

“Oh, I tried to give her a father. I told Hal the baby was his and we got married, but he ran off not too long after she was born. I think he knew all along Maddie wasn’t his.”

“So why do you want to talk to me?” I was more than ready to be done with this conversation.

“Because for the first time in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.”

I swallowed hard. I knew instinctively what she was about to say was going to be life changing.

“I’m dying.” She said it so casually.

“You don’t know that. People with stage four can live for years with the right treatment. This experimental treatment could be exactly what you need.”

She scoffed at me. “I’m done being poked and prodded and cut into. The cancer has spread into my lymph nodes and I’m going to let it run its course.”

I shook my head. “You have a daughter. You can’t give up like that.”

She leaned forward, and for the first time, showed some true emotion. Her eyes welled up and she looked directly at me. “No. Now you have a daughter.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I didn’t know what to say.

“You and Blake can give her a better life than I can. She deserves the life you can give her.”

“Blake would make sure she is taken care of regardless of whether she’s with us or you. You are her mother. She needs you, too.”

“I have nothing to offer her or anyone else. She’ll be better off with you.”

“You are her mother,” I repeated angrily.

“What do you know about being a mother?”

“More than you’ll ever know.”

She stared at me coldly for a moment, then her head dropped in defeat. “Jessie,” she pleaded, “take care of her like she was your own, and please don’t let her think I didn’t love her.”

“I would never do that.”

“I know. That’s why you’re a better person than me.”

“It’s not too late to change your mind about the treatments, about any of this.”

“I’m done. I can die now in peace, knowing Maddie will be taken care of.”

Life preserver anyone? I had no idea I would need one so quickly. As soon as I thought it, Maddie and Blake came walking in.

Sabrina quickly dabbed her eyes and stood up. I sat there stunned for a moment. I would have rested my head on the table, but it was crusty and sticky. It looked like it hadn’t been wiped off in who knows how long. I was trying to process what had just taken place, but my brain and heart weren’t computing. Did this woman really just hand over her daughter to me, to us?

“Jessica,” Blake said, shaking me out of my swirling thoughts.

I stood up and went quickly to him. I needed him.

Sabrina had thankfully wrapped up Maddie in her arms and they were having their moment.

I went to Blake and put my arms around him. He drew me to him and whispered quietly in my ear, “What did she say to you?”

I looked up into his worried eyes. I so badly wanted to tell him what had just taken place, but it would have to wait until we were alone. I wasn’t sure when that would be, but for now I settled for resting my head against his chest and soaking him in for a brief moment. It didn’t last nearly long enough.

Sabrina released Maddie and Blake kissed my head before letting me go.

I stayed near him and immediately took up his hand. It was like touching him kept me grounded. I looked at the mother-daughter pair, Sabrina with tears in her eyes and Maddie bright-eyed and excited. She had no idea she was never coming back. She had no idea this could be the last time she would see her mother. To her it was like going to camp or on an adventure. She had no idea how all of our lives were going to change.

I kept waiting for Sabrina to change her mind, but like the woman in the painting, she was determined. I had mixed feelings for her. On the one hand I despised what she was doing. Her daughter didn’t deserve for her to give up and give her away, but on the other hand, I admired her. She was being selfless in a sense.

Those kind feelings went out the window when Randy came strolling in without knocking and looked at us and then at Maddie. “You’re still here?” he said to her.

I looked to Sabrina to say something to him, to let him know that was unwarranted and she wouldn’t put up with it. Instead, she left Maddie’s side and sort of limped toward him.

I could feel Blake tense next to me. I could tell he was thinking about whether he should cause a scene.

He didn’t need to. I took Maddie’s hand and I let Blake take her luggage.

“We were just leaving,” I said to the sad pair. “Sabrina, you have our numbers, call anytime you want to talk to Maddie and we’ll make sure she calls you.” I glared at Randy, “Don’t ever talk to Maddie like that again.” I turned back to Sabrina. “You could do so much better than him.”

They both glared at me angrily and I could tell they wanted to push back, but I noticed them both look at Blake. His look dared them to speak to me. They thought better of it.

I looked at Maddie, who stood a little taller in the face of Randy. “Are you ready to go, honey?” I asked her. I felt protective of her; someone needed to be.

She nodded. “Bye, Mom,” she said.

Sabrina’s eyes misted. “Bye, string bean.”

Maddie smiled.

Blake was done; he led the way out the door.

As soon as we made it out and the door was mostly closed, Sabrina called out, “Love you.”

“I love you,” Maddie called back before we closed the door all the way.

My eyes stung with emotion.

Maddie, on the other hand, seemed happy as a lark as we made our way to the car. “Can we swim at the hotel tonight?” she asked as the two of us got in the car and Blake placed her luggage in the back with ours. We had checked out of the hotel before we came to retrieve her.

“Your dad wants to head back to Colorado this evening, but maybe we can swim tomorrow morning before we head home.”

“I can’t wait to see my new room,” she said.

She had no idea what she was in store for, none of us did.

Blake and I stayed pretty quiet as we made our way up the canyon and back to Colorado, but we kept looking at each other when we could. They were those is this really happening? and what have we gotten ourselves into? kinds of looks.

Practically our entired married life I’d wanted a child, and now here, for all intents and purposes, I had one. Maddie was now our full-time and forever responsibility. In between looking at Blake, I kept looking back at her, mostly because she kept talking and I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her. I also kept staring at her because it seemed so surreal. And I wasn’t sure what to do with her. I always figured I would have a baby and grow up with him or her. I never imagined someone throwing a teenager at me and saying here you go. I mean, I knew hardly anything about her and I didn’t know how to be a mom, and I especially didn’t know how to be a stepmom.

I had a feeling I would be reading a lot of online articles about parenting, that and talking to my therapist. Bless her.

I could tell Blake was deep in thought too, but he seemed more relaxed. His daughter was his now—he didn’t know how much yet—but she was with him, and I think that brought him great comfort.

Admittedly, after seeing how she lived, I was happy to remove her from her circumstances. 

Maddie talked until she conked out. One minute she was saying something about how she and her friends all had crushes on Henry Cavill, who played Superman, and the next minute she was leaning against the window sleeping.

I took off my seatbelt to Blake’s displeasure, reached to the backseat, and carefully placed a pillow under her pretty head. She didn’t even stir. She got that from Blake. He slept like the dead, too.

I settled back into my seat and opened my moon roof so I could stare at the stars. The sky was clear and seemed to twinkle. While in a way it made me feel insignificant, it was also reassuring. It made my problems seem small, even for just a moment. I thought some more about Margaret Mackenzie. I thought about Carter. I always thought about him.

I looked back at his sister and for the first time it hit me that she was my child’s sister. I had always wanted a house full of kids. Blake and I were both only children growing up and knew it could be lonely. My mother, too, had had fertility problems, but they were different than mine. She couldn’t get pregnant, except the once. I could practically get pregnant anytime I wanted, I just couldn’t stay that way. Recurrent miscarriages, they called it. I called it something else, but it wasn’t very ladylike. I knew Maria would never use such language.

I watched Madeline breathe in and out. In the midst of her peaceful slumber her mouth upturned into that crooked little grin she inherited from her dad. It made me smile. I reached over and rubbed Blake’s neck. He had been awfully quiet, but that was just him. “Are we going to stop?” I asked him. We were almost to Grand Junction.

Without even looking at me he answered, “I just want to be home.”

“It’s almost ten and we have over four hours to go,” I countered. “And I told Lexi I would visit her tomorrow at her bistro.”

“Please, Jessica.”

I removed my hand from his tight neck. “I suppose I can make a day trip on my own to visit her.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Honestly, yes. I’ve been looking forward to seeing her.”

He turned briefly my way and his gray eyes locked with my hazel ones. “I’ll make it up to you.”

I shrugged my shoulders and turned toward the window, watching the lighted roadside landscape pass us by. I think I made out a few of the peach orchards the area was known for. I didn’t know what the rush was. And driving until two in the morning wasn’t my idea of fun. I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I would be on edge making sure Blake didn’t fall asleep at the wheel.

After several silent minutes, I felt the gentlest touch upon my hair. I ignored it. His hand slid down and glided smoothly across my cheek. My cheek may have twitched a tad as I tried not to smile.

“Jess …”

“Hmm?” I said into the cool, tinted window.

“I’m ready to be home. To start this new chapter in our lives.”

I turned, but not to look at Blake. I looked back to see if Maddie was still sound asleep. Once I was confident she was, I turned to Blake, who was taking turns looking at me and the road.

“This new chapter is going to be a novel,” I whispered.

Blake looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“Sabrina’s intention is for Maddie to stay with us permanently.”

Blake didn’t seem surprised. In fact I noticed his mouth turn up just a bit.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

He looked in the rearview mirror to make sure his daughter was still sleeping before answering me ever so quietly. “I wasn’t completely sure, but I got the feeling when we met with my attorney this morning that that was her plan. I didn’t want to spring anything else on you, just in case I was wrong.”

“Well, a heads-up would have been nice.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve already asked so much of you. Are you okay with this?”

“What choice do I have?”

His hand found mine in the silence that suddenly filled the car. The only sound was coming from our fellow motorists whizzing by us. His rough, calloused thumb rubbed circle motions across my hand. “You have a choice in all of this.”

“I’m staying, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He lifted the hand that he held and kissed it softly, letting his warm lips linger on my skin. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Thank you seems like a weird thing to say.”

The corners of his mouth turned up completely this time. “How’s this? I love you.”

“Eh, it will do, I suppose.”