Friends
Dina
It’s been three days since I talked to Ryder. We have sent texts back and forth, but we can never seem to get our timing right to chat.
As each day passes, my curiosity eats at me. I know he’s in a different time zone, and that has contributed to our inability to have time to catch up. What I don’t know is where he is or why he’s away. I know he’s helping a friend.
Maggie says Brayden is taking it hard having Ryder away, too. Knowing Ryder and the dedication he’s given to his business, he wouldn’t be gone if it wasn’t necessary.
Maggie asks me to come to Ryder’s garage to finish up a seating chart for an upcoming charity event we have been hired to plan. When I arrive, I understand why she’s called me to come here rather than the office. With Ryder away, Brayden can’t keep up with the phones, finding parts, and doing the mechanics.
Taking in the chaos, I head straight for Ryder’s desk, telling Maggie, “We’ll handle the seating chart later. Your boy needs help and now. I’ll order the parts on this list. You answer the phones as best you can until I finish. Later today, you can go pick up the parts and stop by my house to grab another outfit for me so I can get under a hood and help Bray.”
She hugs me tightly. “Thanks so much, Dina. I’m glad you know what he needs. I’m in way over my head here. I’m also glad my bestie likes my boyfriend.”
Her words hit me hard. I wanted so badly to have that with Michael. Well, I learned my lesson—if my man can’t handle my best friend, then he’s not the man for me.
Walking into Ryder’s office, which has enough old Chilton Car Repair Manuals to fill two huge bookshelves on the back wall, I sigh, thinking of my dad and his old shop. It’s been a long time since I sat down and thought about turning wrenches or ordering parts.
Papers and small parts litter his desk, and his laptop sits in his chair. Typical male. I remember my dad’s office was just like this.
Clearing a spot in the clutter on his desk, I move the computer so I can sit down and turn it on. As it loads, I find that he has a picture of me and Maggie as his screensaver.
Being in his space like this draws me more into his world. It also makes me more aware. I really miss Ryder. I also realize this is his business, and Brayden seems overwhelmed. Does he know how much Brayden really needs his help right now? Has Brayden told him how busy things are? With that thought, I send Ryder a quick text.
Hope all is well where u r. Maggie & I r spending the day at ur shop 2 help out B. We all miss u.
I can’t help the bitter feeling rising up at not knowing where he is or what he is doing. We are supposed to be building something here, but there are already secrets.
I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I won’t let my mind build a wall and ruin something before it even get starts.
Distracting myself from negative thoughts, I throw myself into work.
As we are closing the shop, Brayden hugs me. “Thanks for all the help, D. I don’t know how much longer Valerie needs Ryder, or where they are, so I’m not sure how long I’m on my own here. The help today is appreciated more than you know.”
Ryder is off with Valerie, while I’m here alone? What the hell? I knew he was helping a friend … I didn’t know it was her.
I guess the hurt and anger are evident on my face, because Maggie quickly adds, “It’s not what it sounds like, Dina. Ryder is a good guy, and he really cares about you, but Valerie needs his help right now.”
Feeling like everything is closing in on me, I leave. I have to get home and escape everything.
Everyone seems to know what Ryder is doing, except me. How can this happen? Yes, I have a past, but I’m not a fragile piece of glass about to break. I’m the one left alone, and yes, now I’m angry and bitter. Whatever his deal is with Valerie, he didn’t have to drag me into it.
I already allowed myself to fall for the idea of Ryder and me as a couple. I guess it was just that all along—an idea. He has too much tied up with her for me to fit in anywhere.
Why? Why would he tell me he wants something with me, yet take off with her? Is this all just pity for poor, abused Dina who couldn’t get herself out of a bad situation? He probably likes the idea of fixing broken Dina while not really being in a committed relationship with me.
I can’t help the tears falling, unable to hold back my emotions.
This is bullshit. I never thought Ryder would put me in this situation.
Really, I get helping a friend, but to be gone this long … it just doesn’t sit well with me. Just when I thought we could build something, I’m left wondering.
I wish my dad was here to help me understand the male brain. My first breakup was hell.
“Grab your helmet,” Dad orders from my bedroom doorway.
I shake my head.
“Not up for discussion, Dina. Grab the helmet and be on my bike in five minutes or Roundman and I pay a trip to this boy’s house.”
Knowing my dad is serious when he brings up Roundman, or any of the Hellions, I slowly get up as he heads out to his bike.
Grabbing my boots and tying them, I rush out, taking a helmet from the garage on the way.
“Momma told me about the fucker breaking your heart.”
I fight back tears.
My dad looks me in the eye. “Baby girl, ain’t no teenage fucker worth your tears. You’re gonna get on this bike, and we’re gonna ride. We’ll ride until you say stop, but only when your mind clears. Find your freedom on the road and let go of what you’re feeling.”
I nod, unable to form words.
The teenager I am wants to scream at him that riding until my legs are Jell-O doesn’t solve my problems. It just distracts me. Plus, I can’t think because the exhaust is too loud. I don’t say any of that, though, knowing he means well.
Mom told him I was crying and, well, the one thing that will bring my badass biker dad to his knees is a single tear from me.
I need to clear my mind. I need to ride. For the first time since my parents’ death, I wish I still had my Harley. I crave the open road and the freedom to be. Funny how I never thought I would agree with my parents so easily. The older I get, the more I wish I had them here to guide me.
My phone rings, the screen showing it’s Ryder. I pause.
Do I answer it? Do I not answer it? Do I really want to talk to him while I’m hurting? Do I really want him to know what I’m thinking and feeling right at this minute?
I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him now, knowing he is off with Valerie, not when I feel like a tornado is swirling inside me. There is this jealousy I’m not used to feeling coursing through me. It’s bitter and the burn runs deep.
***
Ryder
Texting is not enough. I need to hear her voice. The phone rings five times, and then the voicemail picks up.
Screw it. I call again.
At this point, I don’t care if she thinks I’m crazy. I will keep calling until she picks up. I need to talk to her. I need to tell her everything. I need to get it all out and tell her why I am away. Will she understand?
After three rings, she finally answers.
“Hello, Ryder.” She sounds hurt or disappointed—I don’t know which. She has never sounded this way with me, with that unfamiliar, distant tone.
Now I have even more tension and nervous energy running through me.
“Hey, sunshine, I miss you. Thanks for helping Brayden at the shop.”
In a voice as cold as ice, she says, “I’m happy to help any friend who needs me.” The emphasis she puts on friend alarms me.
She knows better than that, right? She has to be referring to Brayden. Yes, that’s it.
“Look, Dina, if you have some time to talk, I’d like an opportunity to explain what’s going on—”
“Oh, so now you decide to tell me. What, did Brayden tell you he slipped up, that I know you’re off with Valerie?”
Shit, I knew I should have told her already.
“No, I haven’t spoken with Brayden in two days. I need to get this off my chest and tell you the whole situation that’s pulled me away,” I rush out.
She sighs in what I hope is a twist of relief and frustration. It’s like she needs to hear this as much as I need to tell her.
“So much of me has changed since meeting you,” I continue. “I have a past, one that I’m not proud of, and Valerie is a part of that. Right now, I’m in Colorado with Vanessa, Valerie’s twin sister, to help Val get through drug rehab.” I take a breath, letting the information settle with her.
“You know that Brayden and I became friends in college, but Brayden and Valerie were friends long before that, which is how I met her. I used to be a real ass who only cared about getting laid. I wanted a different girl every day. Brayden and I were at a party a few years back when Valerie approached me. I turned on the charm, told her all the things she wanted to hear; said anything to get in her panties. It’s who I was.
“We hooked up, and I planned to never talk to her again. I even told her so afterward when I got up and left her lying naked in the bed, the evidence of her lost virginity on the sheets. The next week, she tried to call me, even came to my house. I just blew her off. At the time, my mentality was, on to the next. She kept coming around, though. So, on and off, I would hook up with her just because it was an easy, guaranteed piece of ass.” I wonder what Dina is thinking of me now. She’s quiet. Too quiet.
“Dina, I never dated her. Other than that first night, I never again led her on about a future. I thought she had come to terms with it. I thought she knew we were just an easy hook up—friends with benefits, as they say. The night we walked up on Michael attacking you—seeing the hurt in your eyes, the pain deep inside you—made something in me snap. I didn’t want to ever see that look from any woman.
“Valerie was with me that night when we found you … She didn’t care what he did to you; she just wanted me. I wanted nothing more than to kill Michael with my bare hands for hurting you, and she left when I finished beating the shit out of the bastard. I wasn’t going to leave without seeing you.
“She wanted my attention. She didn’t get it. You’ve had me. I can’t explain the connection with you, but Dina, you’ve had me.”
“I didn’t know,” she says softly. “I wasn’t really with it that night”—she sighs—“as you know.”
“I called her the next morning and told her I couldn’t do this anymore. I made sure to apologize for disrespecting her, her body, and for using her. I told her there was no future between us, but I wished her happiness and real love. We had an arrangement, and it wasn’t working for me anymore. Since then, I haven’t hooked up with her. I only see her when she randomly happens to be somewhere I am.
“I’ve tried to be a friend, giving her a ride home when she was too drunk or whatever. Apparently, though, she didn’t handle my rejection well and has been heavily doing drugs since that day almost three years ago. She’s been around, but I haven’t paid attention to her enough to see the signs.”
I take a moment to breathe before continuing, “She tried to commit suicide after the night of the cage fight … because of me. I told her there was no room for her in my life. She went home to her sister’s house and cut her wrists in front of Vanessa’s two young children. Vanessa called me because all Val would say is, ‘This is for Ryder to be happy.’ ”
“Ry …” Her tone is soft, endearing, and compassionate.
I continue on, needing to get it all out. “Vanessa took Valerie to the hospital where they found drugs in her system, and then she asked me to help by getting Val into rehab. I agreed. However, Valerie only agreed to go if I would stay in a hotel nearby and be at her counseling sessions when permitted. I’m only here to, hopefully, help heal the wounds I created.”
I pause, trying to gauge her reaction. I get the sound of her softly crying.
“I’m sorry, Dina. I should’ve told you sooner. I honestly didn’t want you to know that side of me.” I sigh, knowing I lost her now.
“I just … I …” she stumbles. “I don’t know what to think, Ryder.” As I begin to speak again, she continues, “No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. From the moment I met you, you’ve taken my breath away. We have always had this strong connection between us. I have never felt so drawn to someone instantly. I can understand how Valerie finds it hard to walk away because I can’t resist you, either. My heart hurts for her inner pain, but really, attempted suicide and drugs are a big cry for help. She has issues, Ryder, bigger ones that go far beyond the heartbreak of losing her innocence to a player.”
I let out a huge breath of release, thinking, Okay, maybe this is going to be okay. Then she continues.
“My issue, Ryder, is your lack of trust in me to communicate what’s going on. We can’t have anything worth having if we don’t have trust and communication. I’ve been with someone I couldn’t talk to before. I won’t be with anyone I can’t speak freely with and who can’t say what they need to with me. Give and take, be equal, that’s what a relationship is.”
I manage to stammer, “I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve waited so long for you to say more than hello to me. I was afraid of what you would think and that you’d never speak to me again.”
It’s her turn to sigh deeply. “I can’t get enough of you, but I do need some time to digest all of this. You also need some time to handle things there without me as a distraction. Do what you need to do in order to help Valerie, and we can talk about things when you get home. I can’t make any promises, Ryder. This isn’t how we need to start our relationship, if that’s even what you can call this.”
Not knowing what more to say, I answer with a simple, “Okay,” and then she hangs up.
I have never shared my feelings with anyone like this before. I feel raw and vulnerable, but it’s necessary. Never have I felt this before; never have I wanted a long-term relationship. Never has anyone accepted me as I am, screw-ups and all. I want us to overcome this. I want to go home and start a real relationship with her.
Until Dina, I was the man who only complimented a woman when I knew it would get me something in return. I would laugh and joke with my boys and tell them about my rendezvous. If my boys wanted sloppy seconds, I would happily share, even letting them know what the chick liked.
With the random chicks, I didn’t care who they hooked up with before or after me. With Dina, my instincts scream, There will be no one after me! This is it. My partner for life, my lover, my world, my everything. I don’t want a high-five or fist pound from my boys where Dina is concerned. I just want her by my side to ride life out.