Needing to Talk
Maggie
I always have mixed emotions being here. Dina and I have some great memories from this place, but a lot of those include her parents.
I still don’t know what I want in my future with Brayden, but the thought of him being left behind in Charlotte without Ryder concerns me. Ryder hasn’t given Brayden a whole lot of space, trying to keep him clean.
After we get settled, Dina and I head out to the beach, taking in the peace and tranquility of the ocean waves gently rolling onto the shore. We both sit silently for a while, just lost in our own thoughts.
“What are you going to do about Brayden?” Dina’s voice trembles, holding back the tears. “This is so awkward for me. I want him to get clean whether you two stay together or not. After so much deception, I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. What’re you feeling, sweetie?”
“I don’t know what the future holds for us. He leaves for rehab Tuesday.” I pause. “Please don’t be mad at me, but Brayden asked to come here with Ryder. I told him we needed to talk. I wanted him to decide if this was the time.”
I never expected the reaction I get from Dina. Her look turns cold, harsh.
“You really want him here? Fine, but it’s on you. He’s not welcome to stay at my parents’ house. I want him clean and sober, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to rest his sorry ass comfortably here. They’re gone because of an irresponsible asshole like him. To me, there’s no difference between him and the man who killed my parents. Do you understand that?” She starts to cry. “I want you happy, Maggie—I really do—but I am struggling with this. Wanting him to get clean is one thing; welcoming him with open arms to my house is another story completely.”
I start crying, too, never having seen such bitterness from my best friend.
“I understand. He’ll stay at my parents’ with Harrison and Tiffany.” I really do understand where she’s coming from. It’s just not her usual style to be so negative, so blunt, so harsh.
I wish things were different. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but after four years, I can’t simply turn my back on him.
Dina wipes the tears from her face. “I’m sorry if you think I’m being a total bitch, but I need you to know where I’m coming from. When Ryder and I were concerned that I might be pregnant, I thought about a lot of things. If I had been pregnant, my mom isn’t here to talk to about it. If Ryder proposes, my dad is gone; he can’t ask for my hand in marriage, and my mom won’t be able to go dress shopping with me. Ryder loves me, and I love him, but my parents don’t get to see that.
“At the wedding, the bride’s side will be empty except for your family. Do you know the level of emptiness that leaves? It’s an emptiness that wouldn’t exist if the asshole would have never gotten behind the wheel of that truck or taken even that first drink.
“Brayden has to get clean above everything else. Imagine if he had hit another car instead of a concrete wall. He could have killed someone else’s parents or kids or siblings. He needs to overcome his addiction, then rebuild his life before you two can really be back together.
“He’s lost everything by his own doing. He cost you a car, a house, your savings, your trust, and your security, all for the sake of his selfish high. When the time comes to talk to him, just think on that, Maggie.”
As she begins sobbing again, I can feel her heart break. Mine does, too. I know what losing her parents did to her. It kills me inside to think of what could have happened with Brayden.
“I’m sorry this is so in your face. I just don’t know what to do. I love him and want him clean and for both of us to be happy.”
She stands, dusting the sand off her. “I’m going back to the house. Just do what you need to where Brayden is concerned. I can’t bring myself to see or speak to him right now. When he’s clean and sober, then he can face me. I’ll be in my room.” She starts to walk away with all her beach gear, then turns back around. “I love you, Maggie. Take time to figure out what it is you really want in life and in a relationship, whether it be with Bray or not.”
She then leaves me alone on the beach with just my thoughts, the smell of the salt from the sea, and the noise of the ocean’s rhythm.
What is it that I really want out of life?
***
Brayden
Maggie texts for Ryder to drop me off at her parents’ house, that Dina is still coming to terms with everything and doesn’t want me at hers. Oh, the drama, but I get it. I screwed up royally.
Is this really that serious? I guess it is to her.
I had shit under control.
Well, I thought I did. It’s all a blur now.
Even my feelings. I know I am so back and forth.
We arrive at the coast where Maggie’s dad, Harold, is waiting for me on the front porch.
“Hello, son, good to see you again. You heading to Dina’s now?” he greets Ryder first.
Ryder nods. “Yes, sir. I just wanted to drop Brayden off and say hello first.”
“Marguerite and Maggie are both inside, Dina’s at her house, and Harrison will be in late tonight. He wants to have lunch with us tomorrow if you’re available,” Mr. Lawson states, still speaking to Ryder.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Dina says I need to try that restaurant with the bar inside that has those honey croissants she loves so much, so let’s say noon?”
Harold laughs, and they confirm the plans.
With that, Ryder goes inside to see Mrs. Lawson, and Harold directs his full attention on me.
He’s stiff, but not in an overly angry way. More like he is disappointed … in me.
“Let’s chat for a few before you go see Maggie.” He leads me to his back shop.
“Mr. Lawson, sir—”
“You and Maggie have spent four years together, so I’m Harold to you, not Mr. Lawson.” His smile is genuine when he turns toward me.
I relax and begin again. “I’m sorry for the mess I’ve gotten your daughter into. I really do love her. I’m just … I’m messed up right now. I’ve had it under control before and will again; I promise you that.”
He looks at me, staying silent for a while. Then he goes to his shop refrigerator and pulls out two beers. He hands me an ice-cold Miller Light, and we then both lean against the countertops on either side of the space.
“Are you getting clean for yourself or for Maggie?” he asks.
“Maggie, of course. I would do anything for her. I’m not worth fixing myself, but to have Maggie secure and happy again, I’ll gladly fix this mess and get clean.”
“Wrong answer. I know you love my daughter, and I know she loves you, but drug addictions aren’t about loving someone; it’s about running from something.” He pauses and looks at me with all seriousness. “What are you trying so desperately to escape that you’re risking your life with every high?”
I have never been open with anyone. I don’t know how to tell him. My shit runs too deep.
“I don’t know where it went wrong, but suddenly, it wasn’t a single high to chase my demons, but getting high all the time,” I expose myself.
“One high will always lead to another. The moment you give in is the moment you give it the power over you.”
“You speak like a man who knows,” I say honestly.
“More than you know.” He is quiet for a while, taking it all in, and then says, “Rehab will help you sort through all this. You’re not responsible for what other people do. You can’t control anyone but yourself and your reactions to others. What happened that sent you down this path was not your fault, regardless of what anyone else has ever told you. Do you understand that?”
“I-I can understand why you think that … but it’s a fact. And bottom line, it should have been me, not her.”
“Who is her?”
“My sister,” the words come out barely above a whisper as the ghost of her face flashes in my mind. “She’s gone and it should have been me. She died because I wouldn’t go.”
He shakes his head. “I hope in time you can view this all differently. You’re of value, son, and I, for one, am thankful it wasn’t you all those years ago. I know Maggie; if she knew, she would also agree.” He looks me in the eye. “I will respect your wishes for now and not share this, but you’ve gotta get clean, get back on track, and find your own way to tell her. You’re carrying a burden much too big for one man alone. We all love you. You’re part of this family, son, and we’ll all help you any way we can.”
“What am I going to do if it’s too late and I’ve already lost Maggie?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“I’ll tell you like I told her: there will be times when your heart says to give it your all, but your head doesn’t want to be vulnerable. There are times when your head needs to be right to give you the strength to fix yourself and get by. Only you will know in time what the best resolution is. Until you’re off the drugs, you can’t make any firm, long-term decisions, because they’ll all be clouded in the haze.”
Shit, my whole life since losing Bianca has been a mess of fuzzy memories.
We both remain quiet for a few moments, and then he continues, “I want to see you succeed. I want to see you and Maggie happy once again. As long as you’re clean, whether you and Maggie are together or not, I’ll help you, I’ll listen, and I will encourage you. Mark my words, Brayden, if you don’t get off the dope, I won’t support your efforts with Maggie. You’ll learn the other side to this dad and his love for his daughter. We clear?”
I feel like the wind is knocked out of me.
“Crystal, sir.” There is no doubt in my mind Harold Lawson and the Hellions will kill me if I fuck things up even more.
I knew when coming here I would have a lot to face, but I never expected this. I didn’t think I would ever be able to talk about my sister, even this little bit, with anyone. I feel relief at having shared the events with someone, but I don’t want to talk about any of this ever again.
I know Harrison is going to want his own conversation with me. God, I seriously don’t want to deal with him right now. I just want to have time to be with Maggie before I depart for rehab.