Chapter Two
Life Goes On
Every college student here is celebrating the end of another semester, Maggie included. She recently started dating someone, but they aren’t exclusive. He seems nice enough, from the little I have been around him and what she shares with me. As long as she is happy, then I’m happy for her.
It’s sad, but honestly, I’m also happy she’s out of my hair. Tonight, she already told me she would be crashing at his place after a party while I’m here at our apartment. While she lives it up with a new love interest, I am snuggling into our couch, silently reflecting on my life’s losses.
Maggie means well, but I have no desire to go out. Nothing in me wants to have a good time. How can I? My parents can’t have fun, they can’t make memories, they can’t have new experiences. How can I find reasons to smile when there are no more smiles left for my mom and dad? How can I move on when they can’t? After all, there is no coming back from death.
Unless you have faced a loss like mine, then don’t tell me how to pick up the pieces of my life. This is the ever-reoccurring argument Maggie and I have. How is someone supposed to move on when the two people who gave them life are gone? How can you start living again?
There are no pieces left in my life without my parents.
They made me.
They loved me.
They raised me.
They are me.
How do I go on without part of my soul?
My phone rings, bringing me out of my reverie. Looking at the caller ID, I shrug. I’m drowning in my depression and can’t see the light. No, I don’t want to see the light, there is no light without my parents.
Get your shit together, Dina. If you don’t answer in the right tone, Harrison will see right through you.
“Hello,” I answer with a failed attempt at sounding chipper.
“Hey, how’s it going, baby girl?” he asks, and I can hear the fatigue in his voice.
Harrison is Maggie’s oldest brother. He’s also an active duty United States Marine.
“Good.” I try to steel my voice, fighting back the desolation in my heart and in my tone, not wanting to give away my emotions. “Today was the last day of finals. How are you?”
He sighs. “Things have been busy. Sorry I haven’t called much this week. They have us on a workup for the next deployment.”
“It’s okay, Harrison. Maggie and I know you’re getting ready to leave. Honestly, we’ve both been studying; haven’t had much time to think about who has or hasn’t called,” I lie.
There may not have been thoughts about phone calls, but I have had plenty of time to drown my mind in my own sorrows. Harrison may be Maggie’s big brother in blood, but he’s my big brother in heart. Lately, his calls have been the only thing that seems to snap me out of my absence in life.
“You okay, D? You sound worse tonight than you have in a while.” He gives it to me straight, like always, so I decide to give him a little.
“I’m getting by. Trying to learn how to cope.” I really would like to learn how to function without the ever-present sense of loneliness covering me.
“Seriously, Dina, you need to get out some. Life goes on, even when we don’t want it to. Being depressed is understandable, but hiding in your apartment isn’t going to bring your parents back.” He sighs, his tone softening even more. “I love you like my sister. The hand you’ve been dealt, babe, it sucks. It is what it is, though. Baby girl, you gotta know this isn’t what your parents would want for you.”
I fight back the tears prickling behind my eyes. “I know, Harrison.” I do know. “You’re right, but I don’t know how to go on.” The rasp in my tone doesn’t hide the emotions I’m so desperately trying to fight back.
“Baby steps, one day at a time. We’re all worried about you, Dina. While I’m in the sandbox, you gotta be strong. I can’t be worried about you. I gotta focus. I can’t call much, either, as you know, but email me every day, Dina, every single fucking day. I need to know you’re getting by. I’ll respond as often as I can.” His tone now turns serious, less coddling. “I gotta prep for inspection tomorrow. Muster for formation is early, and then, if we get held back because some slob doesn’t clean his rack right then, I may not be able to check in tomorrow. That’s your heads-up. Love you and talk soon, okay?”
Muster for formation. I want to sigh at thinking of how military life has changed Harrison. He’s driven, focused, and on point being a Marine. Since he lives in the barracks, he’s explained that, if they don’t pass inspection, they can’t leave base. Nor can they make calls and such. I don’t really understand it all, but he takes it seriously, so I don’t push.
“Don’t worry about me, Harrison. Go be all you can be,” I joke.
He laughs and, for a brief moment, my heart feels lighter.
“Low blow. That’s the Army, you brat, and you know it.”
“Love you, Harrison.” I pause. “Be safe. I can’t lose you, too.”
“You won’t, Dina, you won’t.” I hear the underlying emotion in his tone.
With that, we end the call, and I let his words sink in.
Life goes on, even when we don’t want it to.