Chapter Nineteen
Summer
The stage is empty when I open the curtain and walk out onto it. The audience is full of empty chairs, and there’s not a single soul out there in sight. Even the video equipment that is pushed up in the corner of the room is unoccupied. I’m completely alone in here.
When they called me to come down for a return episode of The Amy Akers Show, I assumed their audience would be filled with curious onlookers who were dying to know what happened between Michael and myself.
I almost didn’t come here, the anniversary of when I had the abortion and learned I lost my ability to have children is two weeks away from today, my birthday, Halloween. The day that kids love to dress up and ask for candy. The day that everyone loves but myself. I hate Halloween even more than I did when I was growing up.
A spotlight illuminates the blue chair in the center of the stage, almost like someone wants me to sit in it. I do a three-sixty and don’t see anyone around, so I very slowly make my wait over to the chair and situate myself in the middle of it.
No sooner am I seated in the chair, someone does a slow clap in the distance, and after my eyes adjust to the blinding light above me, I discover it’s Michael standing in the center of the empty chairs, mocking me.
He seems all too pleased that I’ve shown up here. He’s the only one who is happy about it. I don’t like it, there are no witnesses.
After Michael was arrested, he sent me a lot of hate mail. Letters that threatened to kill me for giving up his baby. He even threatened to kill all my friends for Blaire leaving him. I had nothing to do with that, she chose to leave on her own. But try explaining that to a man scorned.
“Welcome to the private Amy Akers Show episode. He reaches the bottom of the stage and jumps up onto it, advancing forward until he’s right in my face.
The first slap in my face burns like a fire scalding the side of my face. The second feels like I’m being burned alive. The third and fourth make me wish I was dead. My hands come up to cover my face so he won’t hit me again. I expect another blow, but he instead walks around the chair and comes to a stop behind me.
He places both hands on the chair behind me and leans forward so he can whisper in my ear, “I’ve waited more than four years for this moment. You’ve ruined my life, and now you’re going to pay the price for it,” he seethes in my ear.
I open my mouth to respond but don’t get the chance when he picks me up by placing his hands around my neck and squeezing painfully. I thrash back and forth violently, my legs flailing wildly, trying to find traction on the ground so I can get away from him. The chair goes flying when I kick it, and my hands come up to claw at his to no avail.
I scream, sitting up straight in my bed, my hands going directly to my throat. Tears stream down my face as I fight to catch my breath. My gaze flicks violently around the room looking for him. A hand touches my leg and me yelp, scrambling across my bed into the very back corner, trying to get away from Michael.
“Hey, come here,” that isn’t Michael’s voice I hear, but I shake my head anyway, knowing that he’s here somewhere in the room ready to pounce on me again the moment he has a free second to reach me again. “Sweetie, come here,” I look around me and see Tigger kneeling on the bed in front of me.
“Tigger?” I ask, my eyes moving around the room and refocusing on him when I find the room empty besides him.
He nods his arms opening, inviting me to come to him.
“Come here,” he reaches for me, and this time I don’t fight him.
“Oh thank god that wasn’t real,” I declare allowing his arms to envelope me.
After a few seconds, he tries to pull away from me, but I squeeze him tighter not wanting him to let me go. Just in case this isn’t real and Michael will come back at any moment. The last thing I want to deal with is Michael.
Hey, that’s okay,” he coos, bringing me with him while he settles with his back against the wall and me between his legs. I cuddle in closer to him, afraid of what might happen if he lets me go.
I sit there for a while, long enough that I know that Michael isn’t coming to get me, but when Tigger tries to pull away from me, I don’t allow him to go.
“Relax, I’m not leaving,” he says, reaching beside us and bringing his hand back forward so I can see the napkin he has in his hand. He gently wipes my face clean and kisses the top of my head.
He sits there for a few more minutes before he tries to get up again.
“I have something I need to take care of, I’ll come back to check on you in a little while,” fresh tears enter my eyes and a new wave of fear enters my body. If he leaves me alone here, Michael might come back to get me.
“Please don’t leave me,” I find myself begging him. He might come back for me. “If you leave me, he might come back for me.”
I am not above begging him to stay with me, even if I have to get on the floor and hold onto his leg like a small child. I can’t be alone tonight, I might lose my mind if I am left like this.
He stands from the bed and turns his back to me, his cut catching in the low light of the room. I inhale a shaky breath, a tear tracking down my face as I watch him stand there with his back to me. I know he’s going to leave me and there’s little I can do to stop him short of chasing after him out of the room.
I turn my back to him and hug one of my pillows close, there’s no point in watching him leave me, I can fall apart once he leaves the room. I refuse to do it with him in here. He probably already thinks I’m some crazy chick who is making shit up to get him to stay in here.
Confusion fills me when I hear material hitting the floor and the bed dipping beside me. I’m further baffled when I feel the covers moving and the warmth of Tigger’s body beside me. I don’t fight him when he reaches for me.
“Come here,” he commands softly, pulling me in his direction. I turn to face him, and my body shakes when I settle against him. “Don’t worry, no one is going to come and get you as long as I am here to stop them.”
He kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair softly. I try to fall back asleep, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t. Not because Tigger is here with me, but because the nightmare of Michael was the worst one I’ve had yet. I’ve had plenty in the past week, but this is the first one where he’s physically attacked me.
The TV is playing low in the background and Tigger’s breathing is even. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was asleep, but his hand is still lightly rubbing my back. He hasn’t stopped doing it since he came into the bed with me. We’ve been lying here for at least half an hour. I’ve seen one show end and another start, and yet he’s still comforting me. Almost like he’s scared if he stops, I might lose it again. And I’m not going to lie, there is a strong possibility of that happening.
So I do the unthinkable, I start telling Tigger my story. A story I haven’t told since I was eighteen, a story only my two best friends know.
I was seventeen when I met Michael,” I start. His hand stops moving momentarily but resumes again when I stop talking.
I think about stopping, but he adjusts himself and pulls me closer and squeezes me against him. Almost like he’s silently conveying to me that it’s okay for me to continue.
“I was a senior in high school and had never had a boyfriend. I was a loner, and the only person I had by my side was Ryan. Natalie had already left Port Angeles to come here to be with Thunder, so Ryan was all I had left. A few months before graduation, a counselor from another high school came to speak at our high school, and he paid attention to me in a way that no other man had. I was so young, dumb, and stupid. I fell for everything he told me hook, line, and sinker.
“Our affair went on for months in secret. He was my first everything. My first real kiss, first boyfriend, the first man I ever had sex with, and the only man I’ve ever loved. He was everything to me, so when he promised we would be together forever, I believed him.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I choke on a sob, causing me to stop talking.
“Hey, that’s okay, you don’t have to continue if you don’t want to,” he pulls me up to face him and takes my face in his hands, gently wiping away my tears and tenderly kissing my forehead, allowing his lips to linger there.
When he pulls away from me, my eyes search his and I know I want to continue to tell him this story, it makes me feel some relief to be able to get this off my chest.
“About two months before my birthday, I found out I was pregnant, and I thought it was going to be the beginning of the wonderful life we talked about. White picket fence, a house in the country, a minivan, and three kids,” a small smile lights my face when I remember how it felt when those dreams filled my mind. “I thought it was the beginning of what was going to be a wonderful life. But of course, I was wrong.”
I stop for a few moments, remembering how it felt when I got a call to go to the Amy Akers Show.
“On the day of my birthday, Michael wanted me to come on the Amy Akers Show. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right, but I accepted anyway, thinking this was the perfect moment to tell Michael about the baby. Only he wasn’t the one who came out to see me, his wife did.”
“Jesus, fucking Christ, the bastard was married?” Tigger doesn’t look at all surprised to hear this news. Almost like he suspected that turn of events was coming. It makes me think that perhaps I’m the only person who didn’t see it coming. Even Ryan suspected he was married. She loves me to death, but she couldn’t figure out what a good-looking middle-aged man wanted with a seventeen-year-old girl with no experience. I didn’t understand either, to this day I still don’t get it. I was naive and believed every lie he told me.
“He was married, still is married to her. He ended up going to jail, and he would send me these letters. Hateful letters full of mean, awful words about how much of a bad person I was and that he was going to kill me when he got out. He’s not the reason I left Port Angeles, but it did play a role in my leaving.”
“What happened with the baby?” he asks.
I should’ve know he was going to ask that, everyone always does.
“Everyone always asks about the baby,” I smile sadly at him. “I didn’t have the baby. It’s something I regret every day of my life. Not because it was his child, but because that was my chance to be a parent. It’s something I can’t take back,” I turn away from him, not wanting him to see the pain and sorrow I feel in my heart.
That’s one of the things that kills me the most. The doctor shared with me that if I had decided to have that baby, I could’ve had it before the cancer spread to the point that I lost my ability to have children. Somehow the abortion seemed to accelerate the process of my having to need my uterus removed.
“Surely you’ll find a man who wants to give you a baby and have a future with you, I know you aren’t ready now, but you’ll make a great mother one day. I’ve seen the way you are with Bella, the compassion you’ve shown not just her, but all of Natalie and Thunder’s children,” he tries to encourage me to face him, but I remain turned away from him.
“No, I can’t,” I sob quietly. “Shortly after the Amy Aker’s show, the doctor told me I had cervical cancer, and they had to remove everything. I’m sterile and can’t ever have children.”
Shame fills me admitting this out loud to another person. Not even Ryan and Natalie know the entire truth. They know I had cervical cancer, but I never told them I lost my ability to have children. Tigger is the first person I’ve told. Don’t ask me why I told him and not my friends. Maybe because Tigger won’t make me feel like I’m less than a woman. Well, I hope he won’t. At least he won’t feel pity the way my friends will knowing they can have something I won’t ever be able to have.
“I’m so sorry,” he reaches for me, and this time, I don’t fight him. A hiccup escaping my lips when I choke on another sob. When he turns me to face him, I find genuine sincerity there and not the pity I thought I would find.
“I don’t know why I told you that, I’ve never told another person that, not even my friends know. That’s part of the reason I never pursued a relationship after what happened with Michael. Eventually, every man is going to want a child and soon just having me won’t be enough,” I shrug like it means nothing, but the reality hurt a lot. Every time I think about it, I feel like I’m being slapped in the face by the knowledge that I’ll never be a complete woman.
“Look at me,” he commands, holding my face hostage when I try to look away from him. I’m forced to look at him, having no other option. “You are a beautiful woman that any man would be fortunate to have in their life. Not every man wants kids, I know I don’t. You deserve to be happy. The past will eat you alive, but the future will save you. Remember that,” he pulls me in close and hugs me tightly to him.
The way he said that is almost like that’s something he wants to believe like his past has been eating him alive for a long time and that the future can save him. Who knows, maybe it can save us both. I know he has secrets, ones that probably no one knows, but I would never ask him to share those with me until he’s ready.
“You know if you ever need to talk, I’m here to listen to you, right? I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I feel this connection to you, like we know one another,” I tell him my eyes searching his. “Like you are the only person who will never fully understand me.”
He looks away from me like he doesn’t know how to answer that. I’m ready to drop the subject and go back to watching TV, but what he does next surprises the hell out of me.