Chapter Two
Summer
“Ryan, this is boring. I knew I should’ve just stayed home today,” I roll my eyes once we are seated in the front row of the auditorium. I glare over at our teacher, he enjoys having us sit in the front row that way we are forced to pay attention. Today is career today.
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” she pats my knee. “Besides, think of it this way, we are sitting closer to Jonathan.”
I look up towards the stage and see the guy I’ve been obsessing over since the sixth grade sitting in the middle of the group of people at the center of the stage. Of course, his cheerleader girlfriend, Sarah, is sitting right next to him. Clinging to his arm and glaring at me as usual. Or rather glaring at both Ryan and myself.
She’s hated me since the eighth grade. We used to be friends, the three of us, but the second Jonathan joined the football team and skyrocketed to star quarterback was the moment our friendship ceased to exist. She declared her love for him, and the rest is history.
Stupidly I still pine after him even after all these years. It’s just a fantasy that will never come true. It just makes my loneliness all that much more bearable. I’ve managed to get to senior year without having had a boyfriend, kissing a guy, and I’m sad to say I’m still a virgin. I’m probably the only girl in my entire class that still has their V card.
I turn to Ryan to say something else, but Principal Mckee decides to use that as his moment to begin the assembly.
“Welcome to career today!” he throws his hands in the air like we’re supposed to be excited about this crap or something. I’d rather be at home in bed reading or sitting in history class listening to our teacher drown on about the commandments or some stupid other crap. Anything else would be better than sitting here listening to these people.
I drown him out when he pulls up the projector and starts pointing. My eyes wander the room instead, trying to ignore Sarah who is still glaring at us. I hope her face gets stuck like that. I giggle to myself, and Ryan jabs me in the side drawing my attention in her direction.
“You caught someone’s attention, and he doesn’t look pleased,” I look at her in confusion, but she nods her head towards the stage, and that is the first moment I see him.
The most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my entire life. He’s glaring at me, but he doesn’t look upset, he seems like he wants to burn me alive with his eyes. Beautiful eyes, chiseled jaw, short brown hair that he runs his free hand through, and when his mouth turns up into a half-smile, I melt into my seat.
I want to look away.
I try to, but my eyes are riveted to his. Captivated at first glance.
“If anyone has any questions about career choices, Mister McConnell will be available through the end of the day. Just make an appointment in the office, and you will be seen by him today,” when the man stands from his seat and waves to the audience, I blink and turn to face Ryan. Everyone around us is starting to stand.
“What’s going on?” I ask in confusion.
“That guy is a counselor from Port Angeles High, he’s here to meet with students one on one about their plans after we graduate. You seem to have caught his attention, you should come with me, we can make an appointment in the office to meet with him. He had some interesting things to say, seems like it would be worth our time, don’t you agree?”
I turn away from her and don’t answer as I stare up at the man on stage. He’s still staring at me, tilting his head to the side as he looks me over.
I feel dirty the longer he stares at me. Almost like he wants to violate me, lick me with that tongue that he brings out of his mouth to wet his lips. His eyes stray down my body, leaving heat in its wake, livening me up for the first time in years. I haven’t felt like this since the first time I realized how much I liked Jonathan.
But this can’t be right, it has to be my imagination. There’s no way an administrator would be looking at me like that. Things like this just don’t happen to girls like me. That type of fantasy only happens in movies on television and in forbidden romance novels. I think I’ve read one too many. I think I should lay off them for a while.
Ryan grabs my hand, forcing me forward and breaking the connection I have with the man. I look over at him one final time before we exit the auditorium, only to find him speaking with Sarah. She has her hand on his bicep, and I hate her all the more than I already did. Not because I want something with the man, but because she always has to go after any man that’s ever shown any interest in me. I bet she’s over there telling him I have an STD or something nasty. Wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that shit to me.
Three hours pass after Ryan drags me to the office to sign up. Three long antagonizing hours where I sit in my seat daydreaming about the man and the way he stared at me.
When Ryan throws a pencil at the back of the head is the moment I realize I have to stop thinking about him. The day is almost over, one more period left to go before our weekend begins and I have yet to be called into the office to meet with the counselor. Ryan was one of the first people called in. She said it was interesting, and she learned a lot, but that’s it.
She didn’t say anything about the way he looked at her or that he made her feel any way other than a student talking to a teacher. I know it has to be my imagination at this point because all of my friends have said the same thing.
I glare at Ryan over my shoulder when I turn to put my notebook back inside my bag.
“What was that for?” I ask, my voice coming off a little more irritated than I intended it to be. I soften my face immediately when she throws me a look.
“You haven’t been paying attention, you are being asked to report to the office for sixth period. You are so lucky you don’t have to come to PE.”
I sit back down in my seat, dumbstruck. Ryan walks past me telling me she’ll see me after school and I sit there for several seconds watching her retreating figure before I gather my bearings and stand from my seat to leave the classroom. The next class is starting to fill up the room, alerting me that I need to move from here.
The trip down to the office seems to take forever even though the hallway is quickly emptying.
I nearly turn and go back down the hallway and to the gym.
I almost lose my nerve when my hand reaches the handle to the office door, but I steel myself and pull the door open, entering the office, and stand there silently after the door clicks shut.
My nerves are on fire, my entire body shaking, my stomach full of butterflies. This is stupid, this is all over a man who simply stared at me from across the stage.
Some fantasy that my mind cooked up to help me cope with my loneliness.
Loneliness after my father left my mother and me for another family.
Sadness after my mother went off the deep end and killed herself.
Self-loathing when I thought about following her.
“Summer?” I look up to find the office secretary motioning for me to come over. “The counselor is waiting for you, you don’t want to be late getting home this afternoon, so you’d better hurry.”
She rounds the counter, and I follow her robotically, just going through the motions as I walk behind her out the doors of the office and to a remote office at the end of the hallway.
Why is he having us meet him all the way down here?
“Just knock, and he’ll let you in,” she leaves me standing there, watching her retreating figure. I watch her until the door to the office slams shut behind her and I’m the only person left standing in the hallway.
My palms are sweaty, so I rub them down my skinny jeans, trying to rid my hands of some of the moisture. The last thing I need is to shake hands with him and cover him in my sweat.
I reach up to knock just as the door swings open, and I come face to face with the counselor.
He steps to the side, motioning for me to enter, not saying a single word as he clicks the door shut behind me. I take a seat in the chair closest to me, setting my backpack down next to me on the floor and adjust myself, trying to make myself as comfortable as possible.
I watch out of the corner of my eye while he rounds the desk and sits in the chair on the other side of the desk.
“What do you want to do after high school?” I’m dumbstruck the first time he opens his mouth to speak to me. His voice is deep, rugged, laced with passion, I squeeze my thighs together, crossing my legs at the ankle, trying to relieve the tension I suddenly feel there.
“Well, Mister McConnell, I haven’t decided yet. I don’t exactly have the money to attend college. I’m living on my own now, I’ve had a difficult year,” I don’t like bearing my soul to this man, but he’s a school administrator. Surely he’s already read my file.
“Michael,” he leans back in his chair and places his hands behind his head.
“Excuse me?” I look up at him for the first time since I sat down, my eyes searching his. Mine captivated by his chocolate brown ones. They draw me in, keep me staring at him far longer than is appropriate.
“I don’t like it when you call me Mister McConnell. Michael is better,” I’m confused when he sits back up straight and leans forward, so his elbows rest on the table, his biceps flexing.
My eyes involuntarily move down to his arms and trace the muscles there with my eyes. This isn’t a typical school administrator, this man looks like he just jumped off the cover of Vogue and landed right in front of me.
He clears his throat and my eyes move back up his face and find he’s smiling at me knowingly. When my eyes meet his, they hold a gleam in them, some hidden secret promise in them and I know even before he says anything else that I’m in deep trouble.
I gasp and jolt awake, my entire body covered in sweat. My hand flies to my chest, and I feel my heart thundering in my chest.
I hate that I still dream about that bastard. Four years have gone by since the day he broke my world, and I still think about him.
How can I not? He is the only man I ever loved. But that love was an illusion, a false hope of a future that was never meant to be. One I must have cooked up in my head, one that was never real.
But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I don’t believe it. It was real, it happened, and I lost everything.
I didn’t stick around long after that. Long enough to grab my diploma and run from Port Angeles with Ryan in tow and never looked back.
Things never were the same after that day at The Amy Akers show. My classmates looked at me in disgust and pity. They couldn’t believe I managed to fall for the counselor from Port Angeles High School. But I can believe it.
He was charming.
He made me believe I was worth something.
He made me think he could make everything better, make all of my problems disappear. And for months, he did just that.
That was until the day that reality slapped me in the face.
In the end, I took Blaire’s advice. I started my life over, picked up the pieces of my broken heart and life, and got my degree in nursing.
Ryan and I moved to a neighboring town, and I stayed long enough to get my degree before I couldn’t take it anymore, and we made a run for it again. Everyone knew who I was. Not a single day went by where I wasn’t reminded of the damage that Michael did to me and my life. People always asked me what happened between us and worse, what happened to the baby.
I could handle them asking me what happened between Michael and me, but the baby was an entirely different story. That’s something I don’t like to think about. The mistake I made and the price I had to pay because of it.
The baby I will never hold.
The future children I will never get to meet.
It kills me on the inside.
So when our friend Natalie King contacted Ryan late one summer afternoon, that was the day that Ryan and I made the decision leave and landed ourselves in the small town of Maple Valley, Washington. Small, but simple.
Here is where I found my dream job at Saint Eliza Hospital.
I should be happy, I should be jumping up and down for joy at the second chance that I have been given in life.
But at what cost?
I may be free from Michael physically and what our life should’ve been. Free to start over. But mentally I am not free. Emotionally, I am a mess.
Late at night when I get home that is when the sadness creeps in and takes over.
That is when the darkness consumes me.
All I want is to feel alive again, remember what it feels like to live life without the pain inside my heart.
I help take care of sick people and help them to live.
But who is going to save me?
Who is going to help bring me back from death?
Save me from the darkness?
Save me from myself?
All I want is to be saved.