19
Steve
“Dammit!” Steve yelled in frustration. He had just gotten home to find a big, thick padlock hanging from the front door. He couldn’t believe his dad would lock out his own sons.
He had just come back from his session with the coach, and although he should have been over the moon after what had happened, the coach’s suggestion had left him confused and hurt. So that, on top of dealing with the padlock, had him on edge.
“Chill out,” Dennis said, approaching him. “We’ll figure something out.”
Dennis put his hand on his shoulder, and although it normally would have calmed Steve down, this time, it only made him more agitated. He knew it wasn’t Dennis’s fault, but he couldn’t help but be mad at his best friend for being in a completely different situation to him and his brother.
“Easy for you to say, your dad didn’t lock you out. Now where are we going to go?” Steve demanded, throwing up his hands.
Dennis’s parents may have been absent most of the time, but at least he didn’t have to worry about where he’d lay his head every night…or if that head would cop a beating for the smallest of infractions.
His best friend looked up at him and said softly, “You can stay with me.”
The sentiment was touching, and Steve sighed, embarrassed with how he had acted. Dennis had already done so much for him and his brother. He didn’t want to take advantage of him.
“Fuck,” he said, sitting on the steps. Just when he’d thought things couldn’t get any worse.
He shook his head. The truth was that his frustration wasn’t just about being locked out. He was more than used to his dad doing something fucked up like this. He was just relieved that his dad wasn’t around.
His frustration actually extended from earlier when James had asked—no, when he had expected him to quit the team. He loved what they had, what it was growing into. He loved being around James. But it was unfair for him to expect Steve to give up everything he had going for him—the only thing he had going for him. He knew why he wanted him to, but he found it incredibly selfish and couldn’t believe that James would just expect it of him, without first discussing it.
Dennis sat with him and squeezed his shoulder again. “You all right?”
Shrugging his grip away, Steve answered, “What do you think?”
“No, not just about this. You’ve been, I don’t know…a little weird lately.”
He should have known Dennis would pick up something. He’d tried to play it cool as much as he could when he was around Dennis, but the man knew him too well. They’d been through everything together—first grade, first pimples, first erections. They knew each other like the back of their hands. He had sensed that Dennis was onto him the other night, but had shrugged it off in the hopes that his friend would move on.
Still, Steve had to play innocent. There was too much at risk at the moment. With James treating him the way he was, he didn’t want to risk losing his best friend, too. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Dennis shrugged. “I don’t know, man. It’s like you’re avoiding me or something,” he said.
Steve felt rotten lying to him about it. Dennis was his best friend and it hurt to lie to him. But more than that, he wanted someone to talk to about what he had just been through. He wanted to share with him how amazing it was to be penetrated. How passionate and loving it was. He wanted to scream to the world what had just happened. He also wanted to share with him his insecurities that this wouldn’t last, and his worries of what would happen if the guys on the team found out.
But he couldn’t do any of that. Not a word. So instead, he said, “No, I’m cool.”
Dennis squinted his eyes at him. “Are you not working with the coach anymore?”
“Why?” said Steve, his voice going up an octave. This would be a dead giveaway that he was hiding something to the average person. To his best friend, he may as well have screamed it.
Dennis studied him some more, not answering him at first. “I just thought you worked right after class and—”
“Nah, he’s…I’ve pretty much finished everything with him,” said Steve, cutting him off. He had to act like everything was no big deal or he might give something away. He just hoped his friend didn’t start insulting him again. If he did, he wasn’t sure how he would act.
Dennis’s eyes widened. “That quickly? I thought you said he wanted to—”
“Yeah, done with him,” said Steve, not letting him finish his sentence. He didn’t want to go into any more, and started to get up when Dennis asked him something that made his heart freeze. Best end it as quick as possible.
“He try something on you or something?” his best friend asked. Steve’s jaw dropped until he gathered his thoughts.
“What are you talking about?” asked Steve as he walked down the steps and over to Dennis’s car. He really just wanted this conversation to end already. Why wouldn’t he just drop it?
Dennis walked toward him slowly, and each crunch of his shoes on the gravel driveway made Steve more nervous. It was as if he could sense what his friend was thinking. Even before he spoke, he knew what he was going to say.
His best friend sighed. “You can tell me things, you know. If he tried something on you, I’ll—”
“What are you going to do? Seriously. And no, he…he’s straight,” he said, kicking up some dust. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now.
“Okay…” said Dennis, giving Steve the look that told him that he didn’t quite believe him. Steve had already said too much.
Steve looked off into the distance, trying to find a way to change the topic.
Their old rusted swing set squeaked in the wind. So many memories jumbled in his head. Happy memories, a time when they could be kids. There was no pressure or talk of love and the future. It was simple. Now, everything was different, like someone had come along and rubbed out those times with permanent marker.
A smile spread across Steve’s face. “Remember when we were little, we used to have all these big dreams? You were going to be the next Bill Gates and I was going to be the next Michael Jordan.”
“Those were the days,” said Dennis with a smile as he looked in the same direction.
Steve sighed with relief, just glad that his ploy had worked. He leaned against the car and crossed his arms. “Yeah, well…we were wrong.”
“What makes you think that?” his best friend asked.
Dennis was always the optimist, never really worrying about anything. Now, usually Steve would have left it at that and been done. But the way things had been going lately, he just couldn’t. Maybe they didn’t need optimism right now? Maybe they needed reality?
Steve shook his head. “I just don’t think life works that way anymore. I mean, you work your ass off, and then it’s like God rolls some dice and you get what you get.”
“What’s with the downer talk?” Dennis asked, leaning against the car next to him.
Steve shrugged. “I just think…sometimes, I wonder if I’m ever going to get out of this situation. We’ve been broke since as long as I can remember, and my brother deserves better than this. He’s way smarter than me, and…I promised my mom.”
Steve stopped talking. His throat had tightened, and he needed to calm down before the tears came. Talking about his mom always did that to him.
Dennis squeezed his shoulder. “Things will get better. You’ll see. We’re both going to be rich as fuck. You’re going to the pros, brother. We’ll both have banging girls, one for each arm.”
Fuck. This girl talk again. Why did Dennis, or any guy, really, always fall back on that as a crutch of conversational greatness? Like banging a hot girl was all that mattered in life. What about falling in love with someone that you truly cared about? Wasn’t that more important?
This kind of talk only made things worse. Now he had to put on more of the straight guy act, and every time he did, it destroyed him. He felt like he was betraying himself. But he also felt like he was betraying James.
Dennis laughed. “Dude, we’re going to bang so many girls when we get rich…Right?”
Steve conjured up a smile. “Sure.”