The hotel is around the corner from the bar, but I don't want to be there. After spending twelve hours on a bus, I want to be outside.

I take in the quiet conversations as I walk. There's a family celebrating a birthday at a diner. There are two women at a coffee shop, trading gossip over oversized mugs of tea. There's another bar with country music blaring.

The empty grass field just past the church calls my name. Even though it's freezing, I lay on my back and stare up at the dark sky. The silver moon hangs low. The stars shine bright. There are so many stars, more than I've ever seen before.

In New York, there's so much light pollution that I can't see the stars. Here, they're bright and brilliant. I catch a shooting star, press my eyelids together, and wish for clarity.

It's quiet here. The only sound is the breeze rustling the grass and the roar of a TV across the street. Every few minutes, I can hear footsteps or a passing car.

There are footsteps now. And they're getting louder, getting closer.

I don't have to look up to know that's Ethan. I can feel it in the way the air gets sharp and electric.

He lays on the ground next to me. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You're avoiding me, aren't you?"

Yes, but I'm not ready to admit it. "Did you and Mal talk?"

"Not really. There's no talking sense to Mal. He's wants to protect the band."

"And you."

"Yeah." Ethan runs his fingers over the back of my hand. "Big brother thing, I guess."

"Yeah." I soak in the warmth of Ethan's touch. It feels good, just being near him. I want more of him, more of this. "Do you think Kit took the money?"

"Maybe. He wasn't a good version of himself when he was using."

"Oh." I press my lips together. "Is it going to be okay, the band?"

"It will be."

"Good. I… I'm glad. You're really good in it. And you're really good together."

His touch gets harder. "Why are you avoiding me, Vi?"

I turn enough to look into Ethan's eyes. His expression is demanding.

I'm hurting him.

My inhale is sharp. My exhale is heavy. Shit. I can't dodge this conversation anymore. Not with the feelings stirring in my stomach. "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"I'm falling in love with you again."

"That doesn't have to be a problem."

I shake my head. I wish that was true, but it's not.

"It doesn't."

I keep my eyes on the shining stars. "You broke my heart, Ethan. I was ecstatic when I got into the master's program. That was the first happiness I'd felt in months. The only thing I wanted to do was share it with you." My throat is sore, but I need to get this out. "It was supposed to be our happiness, but you looked at my acceptance letter like it was radioactive. I don't know why… All I can figure out is that my dreams never mattered to you."

He slides his hand around my neck. His palm cups the back of my head. Gently, he tilts my head until we're eye to eye. "That wasn't it."

My gaze goes to the grass. "Then what was it?"

"I shouldn't have dared you to leave. Fuck, Vi, the only thing I regret in my entire life is letting you walk away."

"But…"

"I'm not losing you again."

"But, I… I don't understand."

"I was an ass that day. I should have called, should have apologized. I thought about doing it a million times, but I couldn't forgive you for locking me out after Asher died. It was like our three years together meant nothing. It was like you were throwing away all the trust and intimacy we shared. All I wanted to do was hold you and promise everything would be okay. All I wanted to do was take care of you—"

"Why didn't you?"

"I tried. I tried a million times, but you kept pulling away. You kept dodging my calls and making excuses not to see me. And when you did see me, it was like you weren't there. No matter what I did, you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me help. It was like you were done with me."

I shake my head. "No, I wanted you to be there. I felt so empty."

"I know, Vi. I was stupid then. I didn't get that grief was swallowing you whole. I didn't get that you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. It took me a long time to figure that out. By the time I did, I couldn't forgive myself for all that time I sat there watching you hurt."

I soak in the warmth of his skin.

"I tried to convince myself I didn't want you anymore. Tried to forget you." He presses his forehead to mine. "I'll never be able to forget you. I'll never want anyone the way I want you."

"Ethan…"

He leans closer. "I want to fix this."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Me either. But I'm willing to try."

I take a deep breath and look into Ethan's eyes. "What happens if I need you like that again."

"Then I'll be there. I would have waited for you to finish grieving. If you'd asked, I would have waited forever."

I slide my hands under his t-shirt. He's warm and hard and my hands want more of his skin. "What if I ask now?"

"For what?"

"I'm not sure." I chew on my bottom lip. I want a lot from Ethan, but I'm not sure I can ask for it. There's a part of me that believes I don't deserve happiness anymore, that believes I don't deserve Ethan.

He runs his fingers through my hair. It's a patient, gentle touch.

I look up at him. "Wait for me to believe I deserve this. Wait for me to figure out where I want to live and what I want to do with my life. Wait for me to be ready to fall in love with you again."

His voice is sweet and steady. "I will."

"You will?"

"Yeah. Tell me what you need me to do, and it's done."

"Really?" I press my lips together as I stare into his blue eyes.

He nods. He presses his palm against my lower back and pulls my body closer. "I want you around, Vi, and I want to be around."

"I want you around."

"I want to erase all the pain in your life. I want to fill you with pleasure and I want to convince you that you deserve it." He presses his lips to mine.

I kiss him back. In this moment, I'm exactly where I need to be.

I'm whole.

When the kiss breaks, he stares into my eyes. "Tell me you want that too."

"I do." I run my fingers through his messy, dark hair. "Can we start now, in your hotel room?"

"Thought you'd never ask."