Four hours. That's how long I was able to keep myself from thinking about Lara and everything that had happened. Four glorious hours without anything in my head beyond the next turn of my skis or the tilt of my body. I didn't speak to anyone and no one spoke to me. I saw a couple women looking my way and a few guys too, but I kept my eyes on where I was headed and left it at that.

I caught a glimpse of the others periodically as they took the easier trails, but I didn't approach them. I waved when one of them waved, but that was about it. As noon passed, though, I started to get hungry and knew I couldn't keep going without something in my stomach. Stopping, however, meant thinking again. I made my way back to the main lodge and ordered something to eat. By the time the food came, depression was already descending.

I'd have to deal with it sooner or later, work through all those stages. Anger, denial, and the rest. I'd have to admit that things weren't going to be the same as they had been for the past few years. I'd have to start making new plans.

But not today.

I ate in sullen silence, unable to get the thought of Lara out of my mine. Suzette's previous statement about needing to get laid again and my own thoughts about the nature of my encounter with Denise all mixed and memories began to flash through my mind.

Lara’s jade eyes glittered up at me. “Make sure you tie me up tight. I almost got free last time.”

I tightened the knots around her ankles and her wrists, bending and contorting her body into a position that left her wide open and vulnerable. Most of the women I'd been with before had liked handcuffs or the occasional scarf. Not Lara. She wanted me to use rope to completely immobilize her.

Once I was sure she wasn't going to get free, I went down on her, licking and sucking until she came. After the first, I added fingers, thrusting two into her hot, wet pussy without warning. She cried out and then writhed on my fingers as I pumped them into her. I licked and sucked every inch of her soft, delicious flesh, reveling in the sounds of her moans and cries. I made her come over and over again until she begged me to stop. But I didn't. I kept going until she finally said her safe word. Only then did I grant her respite.

I closed my eyes. Fuck. I didn't want to think about that. I was already tense enough. I didn't need those memories to make things worse. It was too late though. No amount of skiing would clear my head now. In fact, if I was stupid enough to try to get on the slopes again, I'd probably ski myself into a tree and subsequent coma.

I needed a new distraction away from this place. Get some work done. That would keep me from thinking about Lara.

I waited until I was already in my car before I texted Suzette and told her I was heading back to the cabin. I figured that way, she couldn't try to talk me out of it. I wouldn't answer the phone or text while I was driving and she wouldn't be able to get to the parking lot before I pulled out.

When I arrived at the cabin, I had three texts and a voicemail. She didn't sound angry, but she didn't sound entirely pleased with me either. The one thing I could tell, however, was that she was concerned. I shot her back another text letting her know I was okay and that I just needed to get some work done.

It wasn't entirely a lie. Okay didn't mean good, and considering what had happened, I thought I was doing okay. And I was planning on doing some work.

I brought my laptop into the living room, started a fire and tried to lose myself in the numbers and safety of coding. Instead, I found myself drawn back into memories.

Lara was bent over the edge of the couch, her body quivering from the aftermath of an orgasm so intense that she'd almost passed out. Now, I was about to begin again. I twisted my wrist and the thin strips of leather cracked in the air. This was her favorite flogger. It offered just enough pain to turn her on and the handle had been specially made to double as a dildo. I'd used it on her earlier and it was still slick with her juices. I tightened my grip and brought the leather down on her ass. My cock hardened as she whimpered.

I shook my head. Not again. No more thinking. I shifted in my seat. My cock didn’t agree with my sentiment. It liked the idea of thinking about Lara and enjoying a bit of alone time.

My hand stung but not as much as her ass had to. It was cherry red and she'd have a hell of time sitting for the next day or so, but her pussy was dripping wet.

“Dammit,” I muttered. I'd been staring at this code for ten minutes and hadn't seen a thing.

“Harder, baby. Fuck me harder.”

I pounded into her as she struggled against her restraints. She knew she couldn't get free, but she liked knowing it and testing it. I tugged on the chains connected to her nipple clamps and she cried out. They had to be sore – I'd been playing with them all night – but she didn't cry off. If anything, she came harder.

I put aside the laptop and sighed. There was no way I would to get work done like this. What pissed me off the most was that I wasn't even remembering all of the shitty stuff. It wasn't the memory of Lara being eaten out by our neighbor or any of the arguments we'd had over the past two years. It wasn't the times she'd driven me nuts or all of her annoying little habits.

No, of course not. I was getting surround-sound and technicolor replays of our sex life. Which, now that I thought about it, had been strangely satisfying considering she'd informed me she was a lesbian. Then again, for all I knew, she'd either faked her orgasms or had been pretending I was some leggy brunette. I was willing to bet the latter, because she'd been the one who'd wanted the kinkier shit. If she'd just been going through the motions sexually, she wouldn't have cared as much. Right?

I stood up and ran my hands through my hair. I walked over to the French doors and looked outside. It had started to snow. Lightly, so I didn't think it'd cause the others any problem getting back.

Maybe, I thought, I shouldn't be here when they returned. Maybe I should get out of here. I wouldn’t be any fun for them to have around. They would probably play some games or something when they got back. Strip charades or some shit like that. A drinking game that would lead to the guys cheering for the girls to kiss. I didn't want to be involved in any of that, especially if one of those girls was my sister.

No, I knew what I needed and it wasn't here. I needed the release that came with dominating someone. I needed to be in control of something, needed to find some semblance of order in all of this. From the first moment I'd been introduced to the BDSM lifestyle, I'd felt something inside me click. It didn't get me off because I felt some chauvinistic right to take what I wanted. Part of the control aspect was trust, and that appealed to me. Even if it was only a one time hook up, they still had to trust me.

And that was what Lara had broken.

My eyes burned and I started to feel the pain that came with the end of a two year relationship.

I needed to get out of here. Needed to find a real release. It wasn't a very long ride back to Denver. I could get there just as the clubs were starting to fill up. I could watch a scene or two, find a willing Sub and fuck the hell out of her. Tie her up. Spank her. Do some of those things I'd remembered doing with Lara.

I closed my eyes. That wouldn't make me feel better, no matter how much my cock was interested in pursuing that idea. I didn't want to deal with the hassle of finding a Sub and setting up those rules. I hadn't had to do that since Lara and I had gotten together and I didn't think I'd be able to handle going through all of that. It wouldn't be about me forgetting, but rather a reminder of what I'd lost.

Alcohol and sleep it was then.

But, first, I wanted a shower. I'd been sitting long enough that my muscles had started to stiffen. I tried to stay in shape and work out, but it had been a while since I'd spent that many hours doing that much activity. A hot shower to soothe my muscles would be a good way to relax before finding something to drink and spending the rest of the night in my room.

The sound of the water was enough white noise to keep most of the memories at bay and it was tempting to stay in until I used up all the hot water. I didn't do it, but the bathroom was still full of steam by the time I got out. I quickly toweled off and wrapped the towel around my waist. I wasn't sure if the others were back yet, but my room was just across the hall from the bathroom and I didn't think it'd bother anyone if I crossed those couple feet in a towel that covered everything important.

I heard them in the living room when I opened the bathroom door, but no one seemed to be close or looking for me, so I walked across the hall and into my room. I shut the door behind me and tossed my towel toward the basket I used for dirty clothes. It wasn't until I turned around that I realized I wasn't alone.