Maybe this hadn't been such a great idea. Put me in a situation where I'm going to fuck someone's brains out and I'll know exactly what to do. Sit me in front of a computer and I could write and rewrite systems forwards and backwards in my sleep. Confrontational sleaze-bags I could handle. Self-righteous bitches were no problem. I had my walls, my shields, all of the things I'd spent years cultivating, but they weren't going to work here. In fact, if this thing with Rylan was going to work at all, I had to let him in.

And I wanted it to work. I wanted it so badly. I'd never thought I could want someone like this.

And I would fuck everything up, I knew it.

As I paced the short distance between my second-hand couch and the door, those thoughts kept going round and round in my head. I could feel myself heading toward that place where the cycle of thoughts would overwhelm me. I forced myself to stop and slow my breathing, counting each deliberate breath. I could do this. I'd survived things no one should ever even imagine. I was stronger than anyone realized.

I kept telling myself that as I waited for Rylan to arrive.

My hand fluttered nervously across my outfit. Rylan hadn't told me to dress a specific way so I'd taken the risk and decided to go with something different than the 'tough girl' clothes he was used to seeing me in. Okay, so it wasn't some frilly girly thing, but I wasn't wearing boots either.

A couple weeks ago, Rylan had given me my time-and-a-half check from my work the night we'd kissed for the first time, and there'd been a nice bonus in there too since the work we'd done had solved the problem. Since there was quite a bit of extra I hadn't been counting on, I'd put it aside for something special. Yesterday, I'd decided to use it to buy a new outfit.

It was black, setting off my fair skin and pale eyes, the material clingy enough to show off my curves. I'd picked one with a short skirt, remembering what Rylan had said once about my legs. The hem hit just a couple inches below my ass, making it possible for me to walk and sit without flashing my panties at anyone... if I was careful. The neckline was modest, showing enough cleavage to be attractive but not so much that I could be considered inappropriate for a fancy restaurant. To compensate for the late November weather and short skirt, I'd gone with long sleeves. The fact that they also covered the scar on the inside of my left arm and only hinted at the barbed wire tattoo around my right wrist was just a bonus.

As I looked in the mirror, for the first time, I wondered if I should have changed my hair color to something more normal, more acceptable. No, I told myself. I'd made a promise years ago, back when I was starting to heal from all the shit that had been done to me, that I'd never be anything other than myself and, right now, myself had blue hair. If Rylan couldn't accept that, too bad...but he had accepted that, I realized. He hadn't once commented about any of the things that made people look at me like I was a freak.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts and I was grateful for it. One of the things I always had to be careful about was getting stuck in these cyclical thoughts or memories that would play over and over again. Living a nightmare for the first thirteen years of my life had made it difficult to accept that bad wasn't my normal state of being. Often, the better things got, the harder those things hit me.

I hurried over to the door, hoping that Rylan liked the way my new heels made my legs look. When I opened the door and saw his eyes widen, I knew they'd been worth every penny. His eyes slid up my legs and over my body. By the time his gaze met mine, his eyes were as dark as they had been the night we'd kissed, as dark as the night we'd slept together for the first time.

I swallowed hard. Shit. I'd said 'for the first time,' which meant I was already thinking about there being a second time. With him looking at me that way, though, it was hard not to think about sex. The man practically breathed it.

“Wow.” He finally spoke. “Now I'm starting to wish I'd chosen a better first date.”

Considering he was wearing a pair of dark gray dress slacks and a black sweater that showed off his amazing physique, I would've been happy to spend the entire night staring at him. Instead of doing that, I asked a question, “What did you choose?”

He smiled at me and my stomach twisted.

“There's a concert at the college tonight. They're doing a whole hors d'oeuvres with cheese and wine thing beforehand.” His expression turned sheepish and he ran his hand through his hair. “I thought it sounded nice and now I'm thinking it's a bit–”

“It's perfect,” I interrupted. A thrill went through me when I realized he was almost as nervous as I was. I didn't know why. There was absolutely no way this was his first date.

“Can I be honest?” he asked.

I braced myself for something bad.

“I've never met anyone like you before.” He took a step toward me, his gaze burning. “You're this crazy combination of strength and vulnerability.”

I flushed. I should have hated that he could see beyond the tough exterior I put up, but instead, it made me want him even more.

He was close enough to touch me now and that's what he did, putting his hand on my cheek. My heart did a stutter-step.

“I feel like if I take one wrong step, I'm going to lose you.” His eyes flicked down to my lips and then his thumb brushed over the bottom one. “Tell me that you'll give me a chance, an honest chance to make this work. Promise me.”

I let my tongue dart out against the tip of his thumb and his fingers flexed on my face. “I promise.” And then I did something I'd never done before. I asked him to kiss me.

His mouth came down on mine a moment after the words were spoken and I leaned into him. My hands gripped the front of his shirt as one hand cupped the back of my head and the other slid down my spine to rest at the small of my back. He pushed his tongue between my lips, making it clear who was in control of the kiss. It should have panicked me, but instead sent a jolt of arousal straight through me. I doubted that I'd be able to so easily give up control in sex, but right now, I closed my eyes and let him thoroughly explore my mouth. He took his time, scraping his teeth across the bottom of my lip, then lightly biting down. I moaned, pressing my body more tightly against him. I could feel his cock hardening against me and felt a burst of pride that I could make a man like this want me.

“Oh, Jenna,” he breathed my name and it sent a shiver down my spine. “You have no idea how badly I want you.”

Considering how damp my panties were, I thought I had a pretty good idea. I wondered what he'd say if I suggested we skip the date and head in to my bedroom.

He took a step back and I could see the reluctance on his face.

“But I want to do this right,” he said. “I meant what I said before. I don't want this to be about sex.” He smiled, his eyes glinting. “Or, only about sex.”

“So, concert, cheese, wine?” My entire body was still tingling from the kiss and I was ready for more, but knowing he was willing to stop rather than take care of what his body obviously wanted meant more to me than he could know.

“You really don't think it's a stupid idea?”

I shook my head. “I was worried you were going to take me to some expensive restaurant where I'd use the wrong fork.”

He laughed and held out his hand. I took it, enjoying the way it felt as my palm slid across his. His fingers threaded between mine and the gesture made me feel safer than anything else ever had. I let him pull me against his side as we walked toward the stairs.

“You know,” he said. “You should probably look into moving somewhere that has a working elevator.” He grinned down at me. “I'm all for working out, but I'm not looking forward to having to climb three flights of stairs every time I want to see you.”

I smiled back. “I guess that means we'll have to spend more time at your place.”