Sierra

Being back in this office, on this white leather couch, brought back a lot of memories. Some good and some bad.

“I’ve been good. But lately, not so much.”

“Tell me what’s been going on,” she spoke as she removed her black-rimmed glasses from her face.

I told her everything. How Cameron and I met, how we fell in love, and everything that led up to the reason why I was here.

“Cameron sounds like a wonderful man.” She smiled.

“He is.”  I looked down at my hands, which were cupped in my lap.

“You have a lot on your plate, Sierra. Your mother’s illness, your pregnancy, and this falling out with Cameron. Not to mention your company. Unfortunately, the root of your problem with Cameron stems from your relationship with Ryan, your mother, and your father.”

“That’s crazy, Dr. Robbins.”

“Is it?”

“Yes it is. I resolved my issues with Ryan the day I threw him to the ground and beat the crap out of him.”

“I read about that in the paper. That wouldn’t have been the way I would have told you to handle that situation, but nonetheless, what’s done is done.”

“It made me feel better.” I smirked.

“But it didn’t solve your problems.”

“Dr. Robbins, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“You have a fear of abandonment. I want you to close your eyes and tell me how you felt when your parents divorced.”

“Dr. Robbins—”

“Sierra, please. If you want my help, you’re going to have to trust me.”

I took in a long deep breath and closed my eyes.

“I was angry they got divorced. I was shuffled back and forth between houses so much that I felt like I didn’t have a place to call my own. I felt like my things didn’t have a place. My mother dated a lot and was never home. My father devoted all his time to the company. Even when I was there with him, his focus was on the business. Then my mother met Clive and got pregnant with Ava. Everything revolved around her pregnancy and my sister. She had a new family and I felt she shut me out because she didn’t like the strong relationship I had with my father.”

“Very good. How did you feel when your father passed away?”

“Broken, lost, abandoned.” The tears started to fall from my eyes. “He had no right to just leave me like that.”

“Now tell me how you felt after Ryan left you.”

“We already discussed that when I first came to you, Dr. Robbins,” I spoke as I opened my eyes.

“I know we did, but I want you to tell me again. Now close your eyes. How did you feel when Ryan left you?”

“Sick. I felt sick. I gave him seven years of my life, and he took those seven years as if they meant nothing. He left me alone, abandoned me right after my father died.”

“Open your eyes, Sierra.”

I did as she asked and took the tissue she held out to me.

“Why did you go behind Cameron’s back and get him those jobs when he asked you not to help him?”

“Because I was afraid he would leave me and move back to North Carolina if he didn’t find work or he’d accept some dead end job he hated and resented me for it and eventually he would have left. There would have been fights. He would have been unhappy and it would have been all my fault since he gave up his life back home and moved here for me.”

“Are you a fortune teller, Sierra?”

“Excuse me?” I narrowed my teary eye at her.

“How could you predict those things would happen? That is what your mind made up in order to throw yourself into protection mode. You were so afraid of being abandoned by another person you loved that you did everything you needed to in order to prevent those thoughts from becoming a reality. And you will never get over your abandonment issues unless you forgive the ones who you feel abandoned you. You’re stuck in the past, Sierra. You need to forgive in order to move on freely. The minute Cameron left, you built up that wall so fast and made the decision that was it. We’ve talked about your ex-boyfriends before. You have never been in a relationship where you were given the opportunity to work things out. The suits you slept with. They were safe for you. No strings. No commitment. No attachment and no abandonment. Cameron is the first man you’ve been with that wants to work through this and the only way that’s going to happen is if you forgive those who abandoned you.”

“Tell me how?” I cocked my head. “My father is dead.”

“Go to his grave, talk to him, and tell him that you forgive him for dying. Go to your mother. Tell her you forgive her for making you feel like she shut you out of the family. She may not feel she did anything wrong, and that’s okay. You’re doing it for your benefit. Not hers. And as for Ryan, you could silently forgive him, but I think you would benefit more from telling him in person.”

“Are you crazy, Dr. Robbins? He’s the last person I want to see.”

“I know. But sometimes facing the pain that others have caused you is the only way you’ll heal. Do it for your future and for your baby, Sierra.” She looked up at the clock. “Our time is up. Give some serious thought to what I said and I want to see you back here in one week.”

I walked out of her office and headed down the street to a coffee house. I ordered a decaf and took a seat in the corner by the window. The more I thought about everything she said, the more sense it made to me and opened my eyes to a lot of my issues. I knew what I had to do.

I took my phone from my purse.

“Hello.”

“Nathan. It’s Sierra.”

“Sierra Adams. My god, girl, how are you?”

“I’m okay. I wanted to let you know that I’ll be coming up to the house tomorrow.”

“Wow. It’ll be great to see you. I was just there today and everything is good. I’ll make sure the fridge is stocked. How long are you planning on staying?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Well, it’ll be good to see you again.”

“Thanks. It’s been a long time, Nathan.”

“It sure has. See you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

I ended the call, took a deep breath, and called the financial firm Ryan worked at.

“Ryan Reed.”

The lump in my throat prevented me from speaking. My heart was pounding and I started to sweat. Fuck, this was ridiculous.

“Hello,” he spoke.

“Ryan, it’s Sierra Adams.”

“Sierra? Hi.”

“Listen, I need to talk to you.”

“Are you going to beat me up again?” he asked.

“No. I’m sorry about that whole thing.”

“I get off work in about thirty minutes. Do you want to meet somewhere?” he spoke.

I swallowed hard. “Santa Monica Pier. Over by the Aquarium.”

“Sure. I’ll see you in about an hour.”

“Okay. Thanks.” I ended the call and let out deep breath.