Jasper wakes to the sound of someone lazily knocking on his door. He grumbles to himself, rubbing his eyes and stretching. He’s yawning when he gets up, leaning against the door frame. Ezra is there, only marginally more awake, his dark hair sticking up in a thousand different directions.

“Breakfast?”

“Here.” Jasper yawns, wanting to crawl back into bed. Ezra knows; he nods briefly, rubbing his eyes.

“Be back.”

Jasper closes the door and sinks back into bed for fifteen minutes—as long as it takes Ezra to go get the groceries and come back. As monosyllabic as they are at times, they understand each other perfectly well. While Jasper isn’t a fan of going out, he’s all too willing to cook for both of them. If Ezra is willing to buy the ingredients, Jasper will make the meals. It’s an easy arrangement; one they’ve fallen back on often and one that saves them quite a bit of money. Which is good, considering they don’t rely on anyone else and both have second-rate jobs. The door closes heavily when Ezra gets back. He sets things out on the counter—eggs and ham and cornbread pancake mix—and by the time Jasper drags himself out of his room, the kitchen is prepared. Jasper works in relative silence, letting the process wake him up as Ezra unloads the dishwasher.

“I think I might have seen Alex last night,” Ezra says. And there goes the morning, Jasper thinks, fumbling an egg that he barely catches before it tumbles over the edge of the counter.

“Oh. Really,” Jasper says, coughing to clear his throat. He can’t think of anything else to say. What exactly am I supposed to say? Do I tell him I’m planning on explaining to Alex? Jasper knows he doesn’t owe his brother anything, but he can’t help the guilt he feels.

“He is nice. And a model, like you said,” Ezra says, laughing. Jasper desperately wants to drop the conversation, but he can’t bring himself to. He’s always suffered through Ezra’s tales of his dates and conquests, which have been harmless and even entertaining over the years.

Now that it’s Alex, though, it’s different. Jasper somehow feels like he’s exposed, something intimate laid out and picked apart before his eyes. He feels transparent. Part of Jasper really wants to ask what Alex was doing but another part tells him it’s not his place. And I probably don’t want to know. He remembers, with a chill, that Alex was the one to characterize their relationship as short-term. The insinuation had been clear; they’re friends with benefits, even if those benefits don’t seem to be anywhere in the near future.

“You have work later, right?” Ezra asks over pancakes, one leg propped up on the seat of his chair.

“I do. I should probably go, after this.”

“Okay. Well, Katy wants to make plans for next weekend. We’ll talk later.”

“Sure,” Jasper says. Plans. God, I wish I could invite Alex. He knows the smart thing would be to talk to Alex now, before the party and before things get worse. He realizes now just how completely stupid his lie was—Jasper can’t invite Alex to meet his friends without pulling everyone else into it. That’s enough, Jasper tells himself. I have to call Alex after work and make this right. No matter how hard it gets.

* * *

Jasper’s lingering sense of dread doesn’t go away at work. If anything, it gets worse, fostered by the emptiness of the store and the fact that Jasper is once again restocking. He’s stuck on imagining all the worst-case scenarios—Alex finding out by accident before Jasper can explain. Alex angrily confronting him. I shouldn’t be this worried about it. It’s not as if we’re that close. He tells himself the same thing over and over, but it doesn’t feel true...not when Jasper can’t stop thinking about Alex.

“Hey. Can you help me find something?”

“What are you—” Jasper starts to ask, straightening from where he’s pulling a box out onto a shelf, and then he sees the person who’s talking. Dean. He looks out of place in the store, immaculate in one of his usual suits. “Oh. Dean.”

“I’m here for a coworker,” Dean explains, smiling. “Well. A coworker’s dog. I mentioned I knew you, and they asked about some sort of pet food. I’m clueless.”

“Oh. Do you have a name?”

“Here.” Dean passes him a small sticky note, and Jasper hums, leading the way down the aisle. He finds the right bag quickly, passing it to Dean. It occurs to him then that he should probably ask about Katy’s idea to go out; before he can, Dean starts talking again. “Your friend, Alex. How close are you?”

“I—um, pretty close?” Jasper stumbles on his words. He feels transparent. Dean doesn’t seem suspicious, though. He nods, apparently absorbed in examining the bag in his hands.

“I was just wondering whether you’d like to do something—invite him, you know. I don’t know how many people he knows. It might be nice.”

“It...actually, Katy wanted to do something this weekend,” Jasper says, the first thing that comes to mind leaving his mouth. Shit. His deflection is the worst thing he could say, but he can’t exactly explain that Alex might not want to be around him after Jasper confesses his lie.

“Did she? I hadn’t heard about it yet,” Dean says.

“Well, Ezra will probably call. He wanted to talk to me at home.”

They get to the front of the store, and Jasper glances at the cashier, wondering if Dean will bring Alex up again. He decides to escape while he has the chance. He’s not in the right state of mind to deal with Dean finding out. They might not be the closest of friends, but they’ve known each other for a while. They had known each other, as kids, back in their hometown. Jasper doesn’t want Dean to think less of him.

“I’ll see you soon,” Jasper says easily, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to misdirect Dean and leave him at the register. He’s faking it so much that he half expects Dean to laugh. Thankfully, he doesn’t.

“Sure. This weekend, hopefully.”

Jasper practically dives into the aisle he’d left his work in, sighing deeply. It’s like he’s run a marathon, the way his heart is pounding. It shouldn’t make him so nervous to navigate his life. When did things get so dire? He half expects cameras to pop out from the walls, all of his friends laughing at some elaborate joke where they all come up with the most convoluted plot to make him stress. If he thinks about it, though, it’s no one’s fault but his own.

* * *

By the time Jasper gets home, Ezra is already gone. The house is quiet except for Mocha, who noses around Jasper, probably smelling the pet shop on him. Jasper can already feel his back protesting, sore, and his feet are tired beyond reason. All he wants is to take a nice, hot shower and go to bed. He’s about to get in the shower, too, when his phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I? I know you work today.”

“No, you’re fine. I just got home,” Jasper says. Alex. His voice sounds nice, for some reason. Soothing. It’s silly, to be so comforted by something so simple, but Jasper feels less tired. “What’s up?”

“Well, if you just got home—”

“No, really, it’s fine,” Jasper says quickly. The last thing he wants is for Alex to hang up. He has to figure out when they’re going to meet, and when Jasper is going to tell him the truth. “I’m just relaxing. I have time.”

“Okay. Well, I just wanted to check in. I went by the bakery, and Katy told me to talk to you; she was busy helping someone.”

“Oh. Well, she wanted to have a get-together this weekend,” Jasper explains, biting his lip. This isn’t what I want to be talking about. “Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you before then.” He thinks he sounds casual when he asks, but he can’t be sure. The line is silent, and Jasper almost worries that he’s made a mistake.

“Sure. I don’t know that I’ll have time before the get-together, though. I’m working a lot.” Alex’s answer is very vague. It’s almost too vague. Jasper leans against the bathroom wall, brow furrowed. He almost isn’t sure whether to press it; it’s not as if he can read Alex’s expression. He decides to push through anyway. No more excuses.

“Okay. Well, I’ll send you my work schedule in the morning. Let me know when we can meet up.”

“Okay. You know, if I did something—” Alex says, his voice again a little too practiced and kind. Jasper closes his eyes, trying not to sigh into the phone. This is exactly what he hadn’t thought about when he’d jumped in and lied. He hadn’t considered what Alex would feel. How much it would hurt him.

“No, no. It’s—you didn’t do anything. Don’t worry.”

He says not to worry, but the words are bitter on his tongue. Jasper feels miserable. He had thought that it would be nice to get out of his shell for once, but all his trickery has done is make things worse for him. All of his desire to be the easy, attractive brother evaporated at the sound of Alex’s uncertainty. I should have just told him the truth. He wishes he could go back to their first date, coffees in hand and the stars twinkling overhead. Jasper wants nothing more than to return to that moment and explain everything. Maybe even kiss Alex. It’s not like I’ll get a chance after this.

“Okay. Well, I’ll let you know when I’m free,” Alex says. “I, uh—I hope we can meet up. I’d like to see you, too.”

“Right,” Jasper agrees. As much as he wants to be happy by the confession, it hurts him as much as anything else. It reminds him that he’s playing with Alex, no matter how true Jasper’s feelings are. No matter how much he wants to take this further. How could I hurt someone that way? He’s never lied like this before in a relationship. Based on this experience, Jasper doesn’t want to do it again. And all because I wanted someone that was never mine to have.

“I guess I’ll see you this weekend then? Maybe before?”

“Yes. Definitely,” Jasper agrees, trying to smile even though he knows Alex can’t see him.

“Okay. Well, have a good day. I hope you get some rest.”

“Thanks.”

Jasper stares at his phone for a little too long after he hangs up, something bitter-tasting in his mouth. He pushes it away, turning the shower head on and holding his hand under the stream. It hits his palm like bullets, cold and unfriendly. He stands there waiting for it to warm up, feeling like it’ll never change, and he almost gives up before it starts to heat. Slowly but surely, he thinks, sparing one last thought for Alex and Ezra. I bet as soon as they met, they would have hit it off. No hesitating. Not like me, that first night. Jasper doesn’t deserve any of Alex’s brightness anyway. Their strange relationship had been unbalanced from the start. Alex has so much to give, with his cheerful attitude and easy personality. He’s traveled across the world. Jasper, in comparison, spent most of his life in the same place, unable to move himself. He’s been a follower, trailing after his brother instead of making his own path in life. Someone like me will never be with someone like him. Even if I tried.