Somehow, Jasper ends up in charge of planning a weekend meetup. He has Friday off, and he spends it double-checking that everyone is free Saturday evening, cleaning up the apartment like it’s dirty when it really isn’t. He’s cleaned it enough times out of nerves alone, trying to occupy himself and forget about the fact that Alex is going to meet everyone else at the party. Jasper is unbelievably nervous about it; all he can think about is Alex hitting it off with Ezra, or even deciding he doesn’t want to continue his relationship with Jasper anymore.

“Who’s coming?” Ezra asks that night as they go shopping. The cart is already full of things—chips and salsa and middle-grade wine. There’s no rhyme or reason to anything, but that’s what happens when Ezra shops; his peculiar sense of logic strings together unrelated items. Jasper thinks it’s probably because Ezra tries to get one item that everyone likes, but the result is not having a cohesive plan.

“Dean, Katy, Sam, Alex.”

“Alex? Is it bad to ask where you stand? He kind of ran off after the night at the bar.”

“We…we’re good. Maybe, um, not perfect. But I told him the truth,” Jasper added. He wonders if this get-together will help things or just make them worse. They’ve been moving slowly since their decision to have a casual relationship; despite having spent the night with Alex, Jasper hasn’t pushed things. And then there was the incident with Dad. I really don’t know what to think of it.

“Jazz. Do we need juice?” The way Ezra asks, Jasper assumes it isn’t the first time he’s said it.

“No. We have some.”

Jasper hates this—hates that he’s developed feelings for Alex. Jasper really should have seen it coming, he thinks—Alex had been a good friend, and they get along well. There’s never any pressure for him to talk around Alex, mostly because Alex can fill up the space by himself. Jasper has always been content to bask in the glow, letting Alex’s energy invigorate him. Jasper isn’t sure what he’ll do if he starts seeing less of Alex. Even having sex hadn’t changed anything—the attraction hasn’t dissipated or lessened; if anything, it’s getting stronger. Jasper feels a near-constant tug to be near Alex, despite the fact that Alex had said he would never be able to trust Jasper. Could I ever earn his trust back?

Ezra barely helps Jasper finish setting up back at the apartment before the doorbell rings. As usual, Ezra is the one to play host, chatting away with everyone that comes through the door. Jasper busies himself with making sure the patio door is open, letting a breeze in before the apartment gets too hot. Every time the door opens, he turns around to look for Alex before turning away again, embarrassed.

“This is a nice complex,” says Alex. Jasper feels his heart stick in his throat as he turns to look to the door, making it hard to say anything. Alex always looks good, but Jasper likes him most like this—in dark jeans, wearing a thin shirt that’s fitted just enough to cling to the right places. He looks relaxed. Ezra says something about Alex making himself at home, going on about the complex for a minute, and Jasper almost spills the juice he’s pouring over his hand. He coughs, staring down at the cup with flushed cheeks. This isn’t going to work, is it? Being around Alex just seems to be making things worse. Of course, Alex decides to walk over just then.

“Hey. What are you making?”

“I have no idea,” Jasper blurts. He’s lost track of what he’s put into the cup in his hand. At one point, he’d been making a Jack and Coke, but he thinks Katy took it.

“Those are the best,” Alex says, laughing. Just the sound is enough to set things into their proper place, a key clicking in a lock, and everything is much easier. “Where’s Mocha?”

“I think he’s on the patio. He usually escapes when we have people over. Guess we’re alike.”

“Guess so,” Alex agrees. He holds a hand out, questioning. Jasper’s eyes widen.

“Are you sure you want to—”

“Can’t be that bad.” Jasper hands the cup to Alex, and he knows, after one sip and a complex wiggle of eyebrows, that it probably wasn’t good. It makes them laugh, though, and then the doorbell rings again and the last person walks through. Dean. He’s still dressed for work, loosening his tie as he comes through the door. Ezra teases him and Jasper turns back around, focusing his attention on the drinks before him. Alex is already wandering away, striking up a conversation. Jasper sighs, looking at the cup in his hand, and then he feels the brush of a body against his leg, the dog at his feet peering up at him curiously.

“Guess I have to give it up, huh, Mocha?” Jasper murmurs. Sometimes he wishes his dog could talk to him; he feels like they’d be best friends. At least then, he wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like a failure.

It isn’t long before Katy finds him, Sam tagging along to chat with him on the patio. They’re good at keeping up small talk, which Jasper is grateful for—he likes listening to other people talk. Katy is cheerful and witty, going on about some incredible misunderstanding with a customer, and Sam’s chiming laughter makes a pleasant backtrack to the story. After a while, Jasper forgets about his crisis of the heart, too involved in the random stories Katy is telling to pay attention to anything else. He barely notices when the others gravitate toward the patio until Ezra starts telling a story, and then they pass around the baton in some unspoken agreement, each anecdote getting wilder with alcohol and laughter.

Jasper notices Alex heading toward the kitchen, and he moves to get up, thinking he’ll ask Alex about what his plans are for the next few days, and then he sees Ezra leave. It shouldn’t sting him as much as it does. It feels like a needle in his chest, poking at the most tender spot, burning its way into him with a vengeance. Every word they exchange is another nail in the coffin he built himself by making the mistake of caring too much. He turns his attention away, occupying himself with making drinks once they start running out, and then he looks outside and sees everyone but Alex on the patio.

“You okay?” Jasper asks, finding Alex in a corner of the dining room, sitting in a chair by the front door.

“Yeah. Just sitting,” Alex says, petting Mocha with an absent hand. He’s not with Ezra, Jasper thinks. Why? They seemed to be getting along well enough.

“I, uh, hope things are going well. I mean, it seems like everyone really likes you,” Jasper explains, his mouth dry. He doesn’t want to poke for information, but he wants to know how things are going between Ezra and Alex. I shouldn’t be so interested, he tells himself. It’s not my business, and even if they’re getting along, that doesn’t mean anything. If it did, it’s not like I’d have a say. I already ruined my chance.

“Oh. Yeah, Ezra did ask me a lot about my brother,” Alex muses.

“That’s nice.”

Alex nods, silent.

Jasper sits across from him, curious. He’s never seen Alex in a group setting, but he’d expected him to be the center of attention. I guess with Ezra around, it’s more of a competition, Jasper thinks. He wonders if Alex is glad to have the spotlight turned away from him, but something tells him that’s not the case. Alex had mentioned his brother briefly, and Jasper gets the feeling Alex is used to having someone’s full attention on him.

“How is Reid doing? You mentioned he was going to get married,” Jasper says. He knows it’s probably tiring to hear the same question Ezra probably asked, but he knows that if he gets Alex started, it’ll be easy to sit back and let him take over. That’s all Jasper wants right now—the certainty of Alex talking to him. It won’t last long.

“Oh, he is. He just doesn’t know it.” Alex smirks, leaning back in his chair. “I met up with him and Benjamin, and I could tell. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone look at Reid that way. I know I’ve never seen Reid look at anyone like that. Not really. I mean, he loves me, of course, but this was different. It’s like he only sees Benjamin, you know? Sappy.”

Alex laughs, and Jasper smiles. He can almost imagine it, the way Alex described Reid. Similar in appearance to Alex, but with fiery copper hair and a quieter demeanor. He sounds more like me, Jasper thinks. I’d like to meet him.

“They sound cute. Do you like Benjamin?”

“I do. He brings Reid out of his shell. Reid needs it; he’s always looked after me.”

Alex doesn’t sound entirely happy, though, and Jasper gives him a questioning look. It doesn’t take much more for Alex to give up what’s on his mind, after that.

“I guess—I’m used to having Reid, even when I’m abroad. Just...being able to call and know he’s free. Now, I constantly ask myself what he’s doing or if he’s with Benjamin. I know that sounds selfish.”

“Brothers are selfish,” Jasper says, smiling. “I get it. We’re so used to relying on each other. It makes sense you’d feel kind of uneasy—you two were close, then you moved, and he met the man of his dreams.”

“He certainly did,” Alex says, chuckling. “Lucky. I guess you’re right, though. Brothers are selfish.”

“It’s not a bad thing. At least you’re not afraid to admit that you like attention.”

“How nice of you to notice.”

“I notice everything,” Jasper jokes. He nudges Alex’s knee with his leg, grinning. He feels a little warmer than usual, some combination of alcohol and attraction pushing him to say what he wants. It’s like all the little gates that his sentences usually pass through are wide open, letting anything that comes to mind filter out into the world. Danger, a voice in his mind says. Too much. Jasper is keenly aware that he’s giving too much away. He’s putting too much of his heart into his flirting. If I’m not careful, he’ll know I want more, and then where will that leave me? Alone, again, but without Alex at all.

“Do you? So, you’re always paying attention to me?”

“Of course, I am. You’re hard not to pay attention to,” Jasper says. He doesn’t mean it to be a confession—or maybe he does, in the small part of his heart that doesn’t want to give up his chances—but it comes out sounding coy.

Alex laughs, and Jasper notices that they’re somehow closer than when they started talking, leaning out of their chairs as if they’re being pulled together by magnets. It’s literal attraction, Jasper thinks vaguely. He can see Alex’s freckles this close, the little gold specks on the bridge of his nose and his cheeks. The way his eyes are like watercolors, three different shades blending together in soft clouds. Jasper feels electric. He can’t remember the last time he looked into someone’s eyes, and he knows he’s never looked like this. He’s leaning closer over the distance between them, hesitant but drawn in, holding his breath the entire time. There’s just one more inch, one more centimeter to cross until he can breathe in the same air. One breath and we could be doing this, right here, in front of everyone. Breaking the rules about attachment and family.

“I’m sorry, I was so caught up in being moody that I completely forgot to ask if you told Ezra about your father,” Alex says, breaking the moment like a piece of fragile glass.

Jasper inhales, the first breath he’s taken, and it’s harsh in his lungs. The sudden mention of his father throws Jasper off and makes him uneasy, like a wash of cold water.

“Oh,” Jasper says. His voice is hollow when he talks. “I haven’t. It was…a few days ago. I didn’t think it was important.”

“It was important,” Alex says, tipping his cup toward Jasper. He looks more serious now than he ever has. “I told you, you’re important. Your father showed up just to be an asshole, and your brother should know. I mean, I’d want to know.”

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing happened, and I don’t feel like bringing him up.”

“Jasper. The man showed up at your job. I mean, I can’t even imagine how much that must have sucked for you. My job is important to me—it’s one of the most important things to me. I mean, without money, I can’t be independent. You should talk to Ezra about it. That was a threat, clear or no.”

“Thanks,” Jasper says, hoping Alex can’t tell how empty the word is. He probably can’t, he thinks, it’s not like he noticed that I wanted to kiss him just now. “I, uh, I appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Alex says, his smile just as simple as it always is.

Once again, Jasper is reminded that there’s more than their history between them. There’s the fact that Jasper’s father is a corporate giant and happens to have some involvement in Alex’s workplace. I can’t ask Alex to risk anything for me, Jasper thinks. Not after I lied to him. Jasper knows well enough just how much pull his father has, and just how many families the man knows and talks to. One bad word from Jasper’s father, and Alex could lose his job. The thing he says is so important to him. I can’t ask him to risk it.

It’s the last moment Alex and Jasper spend together. The others rope them into a card game and then the night wears on. By the time people start leaving, the gap in Jasper’s chest still hasn’t been filled. He knows now, with no uncertainty whatsoever, that he wants Alex. He wants him more than anything or anyone he’s ever wanted before, on some level he can’t begin to explain. He doesn’t even know if he can come up with logic to explain why he loves Alex so much, aside from the fact that he’s easy to talk to and cheerful enough to pull Jasper out of his shell. They’ve barely started an intimate relationship, but Jasper looks at Alex, with his perfect smile and shining hair, and all he wants is to have Alex to himself. It’s selfish and silly, especially since he knows Alex would never be in his league; especially since Alex has made it clear that he can’t trust Jasper.

When Alex leaves, a very sober Dean offering him a ride, he doesn’t look as happy as when he arrived. Whatever is bothering him, Jasper feels like he’s failed. You can’t lose what you never had, Jasper tells himself, picking up cups and cleaning counters while Ezra goes to shower. Mocha follows Jasper around, nudging him with a questioning nose, and his concern makes Jasper want to curl up in a ball on the couch.

“I’m fine,” Jasper murmurs, mindlessly putting things away in the cupboards. “It’s not like I didn’t know what would happen. I’d never have a chance. I just have to accept it.”

He tells himself the same thing over and over again while he gets ready for bed, pretending he’s not hurting as much as he really is. There’s no reason for him to hurt; it was his choice to lie in the first place, and Alex has every right to refuse him a second chance. Jasper is crying over nothing. Nothing or not, though, the tears still come, angry and stinging, and Jasper still feels the same empty ache in his chest when he finally closes his eyes.