“I’m sorry,” Alex says. “I tried to find some time to meet you, but it’s almost impossible. They’ve got me busy all the time, and our work schedules just don’t match up. I mean, we could meet for lunch—”

“No, it’s fine,” Jasper says, rubbing the space between his eyebrows. He doesn’t want to give the news over lunch. He might not have a choice, though. “Well…actually, maybe. Do you have time before we meet up that day?”

“Maybe. I think so. I’ll call you when I leave work. That sound okay?”

“Yeah,” Jasper says, fumbling for words. “Um—Leo’s gets kind of crowded on music nights. Are you sure you’re okay meeting up so early? I know you’ll have work—”

“I’m absolutely sure. You know, Dean mentioned liking the band that’ll be performing. What a chance, huh?”

“Yeah. What a chance,” Jasper says, laughing nervously. He stares at the shirt folded on his bed, wondering if he should just go to sleep and try to avoid the thought of ruining the night by telling Alex about his lie. Maybe I should just give up the game now. It’s not like I can stop him from hating me, either way.

“Okay. Well, I have to get back to work. I’m excited to finally meet everyone. Call me if you need to talk about anything, okay?”

“Right.” The more people to see me fall on my face. Jasper says a half-hearted goodbye, hanging up. He stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, wondering how the hell he got to this point.

Jasper is completely certain that he’s falling for Alex. It’s so unexpected that he doesn’t know how to handle it. It makes sense, obviously—they’ve been meeting for at least a month, talked over the phone, and always get along perfectly. Jasper feels comfortable around Alex, which is a dynamic he had trouble finding before. Of course, he would happen to fall for the person that’s been slowly becoming his best friend. It would be perfect, if Jasper hadn’t lied to Alex and if Alex didn’t think Jasper was only interested in a brief relationship. Some misunderstanding. How am I going to get around the fact that I lied about being my twin because I like him? Even more than that, Jasper knows he’ll have to explain why he didn’t right the wrong the other times they’ve met up. He doesn’t want to put a voice to a feeling he barely acknowledges to himself. There’s no easy way for Jasper to admit that he’s always felt like less than his brother. And here I am, ready to admit it to a guy I really like and have been lying to for the past few weeks. Jasper knows he’ll do it. If Alex asks, Jasper will answer, no matter how much it hurts.

* * *

Ezra stops Jasper at the door, a hand reflexively smoothing over his just-shaved beard. They look identical now, the same dark hair and stubble and blue eyes looking back at each other. Ezra had once joked about dyeing his hair, but Jasper knows they both like it too much to do anything.

“Where’s your jacket?”

“I don’t need one,” Jasper says, shrugging. Ezra gives him a hard look and pulls one of his leather jackets off the hooks by the door, shoving it into Jasper’s arms.

“You do. It’ll get cold at night.”

“I can get mine then.”

“Oh, come on. Live a little. Wear the leather,” Ezra grins. Jasper sighs, but he slips the jacket on anyway, shrugging it over his shoulders. It feels worn and comfortable, a little nostalgic. It reminds him of when they were kids, swapping clothes and pretending to be each other.

“So, I wasn’t going to ask…but is Alex coming?” Ezra asks as they drive.

“I, uh…I think so,” Jasper says, swallowing hard. “I keep trying to call him. We were supposed to meet before going to the bar. I think his phone died.” It’s like his plans are blowing up in his face. He shouldn’t be surprised; it’s probably karma for lying in the first place.

“Hmm. Well, I’ll make sure you two have space. For whatever you want to do. I…I’m not a fan, but if you need time, I can play along. I’m sure Katy will, too, if that’s what it takes.”

“No,” Jasper says firmly. “No. I have to fix this.”

The bar is absolutely packed, just as Jasper anticipated. Leo’s is a warm place tucked away downtown in a cozy spot. There are narrow streets and four-way stops everywhere; the traffic is slow, but there are people crowding the sidewalks, cheerily walking into any of the dozens of clubs and bars lining the street. The faint smell of burgers from a nearby restaurant lingers in the air, mixing with a hundred variations of bar food. Everything is buzzing with the anticipation of the holiday season, even if it isn’t Halloween yet. There are Christmas lights on lampposts and wreaths popping up like spring flowers.

In the midst of the bustle of a Friday night, Jasper is walking with Ezra and Dean toward the bar. The two of them are talking about something or the other, and Jasper follows just behind them, taking in the sights and sounds while furtively looking for Alex.

“Damn,” Ezra half-yells, weaving his way through a wall of bodies near the entrance of the bar. “It’s packed!”

Jasper doesn’t bother to answer. The music playing over the speakers is loud, and the band is setting up on stage, the people packed in the place keeping the conversation at a low roar. It’s the type of night Jasper would usually avoid, if only because there’s barely anywhere to stand, much less sit. Thankfully, there are seats hidden at the back of the room, at the far end of the bar. Jasper takes one before it can be claimed, looking around the place while Ezra and Dean order their drinks. Where is Alex? He’s usually on time. Jasper wants to text him, but he reminds himself to be patient. Maybe his phone died. There’s no reason he would just drop out of our meetup. I’m sure it’s nothing. Katy and her friend Lila appear ten minutes later. They’re excited and loud, talking to Ezra about the band. Jasper contents himself with watching the people in the bar, tuning out most of the conversation. He gets away with being uninvolved until Dean decides to start talking to him.

“When I mentioned the band to Alex, I didn’t realize he’d find out where they were playing next.”

“I’m sure it was just a coincidence,” Jasper says. He thinks maybe it’s the universe conspiring against him. There’s no reason the get-together would be crammed so close to Jasper’s attempt to tell Alex the truth. It’s like everything is working to create the worst scenario possible, where Jasper has to yell over the music about his lie and cause a scene in the bar.

“You know, I’ve been seeing Alex around more, lately,” Dean muses.

“Oh, really? That’s nice,” Jasper says, for lack of anything better to say. He doesn’t want to say, I see him all the time, because it’ll make him sound like he’s competing. He doesn’t want to say, he just met up with his brother, because Jasper feels like it’s a little thing he wants to keep secret even if it’s not his secret to keep.

All these petty things add up. Jasper found himself wanting more time alone with Alex. More knowledge about his life and what he’s feeling and how his days are going. As much as Jasper has tried to tell himself he has no place carving a space out for himself in Alex’s life, Jasper is starting to wonder whether he shouldn’t try. Maybe he won’t be angry. Maybe he’ll understand, Jasper thinks, feeling a tiny flicker of hope. No matter how much Jasper wants to make a move, though, he knows he has to explain first. He can’t let his feelings keep him from doing what he needs to.

“Alex is interesting,” Dean says, smiling, “and his stories about Ireland are fantastic. I’ve always wanted to visit. He seems to have loved it.”

“He told you? I mean—um, he’s mentioned his time there?” Jasper knows he shouldn’t feel as possessive as he does, but he still wonders how much Alex has told Dean. He’s also starting to worry a little about what all Dean has said. How could they have talked so much without Alex figuring out the lie?

“Briefly, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask him if his family is there, or if they’re somewhere in the States.”

“Well, his brother lives in the city,” Jasper says, grinning, as if his knowledge is something to be proud about. He can’t stop the words that come out, though, as he thinks about Alex. “They’re really close.”

“Oh? It’s nice that they’re close. I’ve always wanted a brother.”

“You? A brother? You have sisters,” Jasper points out, curious. He’s never heard Dean mention his siblings before, except in passing. Is he on good terms with them?

“Sure. They’re great, but I wonder about what it would be like to have a brother, especially with you and Ezra as friends. You must have shared everything as kids.”

Oh, yeah. And as adults, sometimes our taste in men. Jasper raises his eyebrows, unable to come up with a good answer. He’s still cursing his luck at liking the same men that Ezra does. If it weren’t the case, things would definitely be easier. It would have been so much easier for Jasper to never have been interested in Alex. For Jasper to have told the truth. For none of it to have happened in the first place.

“Hi. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Lila.” Katy’s friend introduces herself, and Jasper almost jumps out of his skin, startled from his moody thoughts. She seems pleasant—she has wide eyes and short, dark hair. Something about her makes her seem young, not like most of Katy’s other friends, who undoubtedly will be drunk by the end of the night.

“Jasper,” he replies, smiling. “Do you work with Katy?”

“No, we went to college together. I work as a writer.”

“Really? I love reading,” Jasper says. His eyes flick toward the door, the impulse to look for Alex momentarily distracting him. He feels his cheeks heating up when he realizes what he’s doing; Lila follows his line of sight, curious.

“You’re waiting for...Alex, right?”

“No,” Jasper immediately says. He immediately wants to take it back. Lila looks both confused and startled. “I mean, yes, he’s supposed to be coming. I’m not waiting for him.”

“Oh. Right,” Lila says, but there’s a light in her eyes that seems to say she knows exactly what Jasper feels for Alex. I can’t let her tell Katy, Jasper thinks, panic rising in his chest. If she knows, I’ll never hear the end of it. She’ll figure out what happened and maybe even try to play along. She would be into it, like it’s some sort of romance movie and not reality.

“Please don’t—” Jasper starts, not sure where he’s going with his pleas, but Lila waves her hand quickly, embarrassed.

“No! No, I won’t—I’m not going to say anything. I assume you have a good reason for hiding it.”

“He was supposed to date my brother,” Jasper admits, feeling miserable when he says it. He’s not sure why he’s spilling everything to Lila, but he’s already feeling nervous, and he has a tendency to spout useless things when he’s anxious. “I, uh—I went instead, last minute. Katy set them up. It was a mistake. I mean, I was a mistake. I wasn’t supposed to meet him.”

“It doesn’t have to be a mistake,” Lila says carefully. She watches him down the rest of his drink, but she doesn’t say anything when he orders another. “Anyway, it’s not like your brother has dibs. I’m pretty sure Alex can choose for himself. I’d want my sister to be up front with me about whether she liked someone I did, rather than find out after the fact.”

Maybe she’s right. Jasper taps at the glass in his hand, thinking. Alex is capable of making choices for himself, of course—the only question is whether Jasper is even an option. They’re friends, and even though Alex recognized the attraction between them, neither of them has done anything. Jasper has been feeling too guilty, and Alex has been too nice about it, thinking Jasper just wants a distraction while he pines after Dean. But what if I told him I didn’t like Dean? Would he even want me, after I lied to him? The questions just keep adding up, and Jasper eventually realizes he’s tipsy from the empty glasses by his hand, things becoming less tragic as his mind wanders to a hundred scenarios where Alex chooses him.

The band is playing; Jasper isn’t sure when they started. Dean is sitting with his back to the bar, listening, and Ezra is talking to Katy. Jasper wonders where Alex is—he feels like it’s been more than an hour—but he reminds himself not to care. He can’t make Alex appear faster, and there’s no reason to be anxious about him showing up. He should be enjoying himself, not trying to puzzle out how he’s going to talk to Alex about his feelings and the lie he told. Jasper is just wondering whether he should order another drink when Lila walks up to him, leaning close as the band’s music overpowers everything in the bar.

“Do you want to get closer?” She asks, practically yelling. Jasper looks out toward the crowd. His instinct is to say no—there are too many people and it’s loud. He would say no, but he’s feeling loose and relaxed from the alcohol, a little less worried about being in the midst of the people near the stage.

“Sure,” Jasper says, sliding off his bar stool. I’ll be shocked at myself tomorrow, he thinks briefly. Lila leads the way toward the stage, and then Jasper is feeling the drums and bass thud through the floor, like a giant heart under his feet. The music is changing, a slow song giving way to a breathless beat. Jasper finds himself tapping his foot before he can think better of it, humming to the chorus. He has the strange itch to move, even though he knows he’s not a dancer. He never has been. At least, that’s what he thinks until Lila turns to him, grinning widely.

“Let’s dance!” He can’t really hear her voice, but he can tell what she’s saying. She pulls Jasper by the wrist, leading him closer to the stage, and he’s surrounded by people jumping and dancing, half intoxicated and the other half laughing. Why the hell not, Jasper thinks. I won’t come back anytime soon. It’s the only thing that makes him comfortable with joining Lila, forgetting that he doesn’t have a clue how to dance. Whatever he’s doing, it may not be dancing, but it’s fun. The bass seems to resonate in his chest and he wonders whether Alex dances. I bet he’s good. He probably does it all the time, Jasper thinks. He wishes Alex were at the bar already so he could just pull him in.

Katy shows up in the mass of people, weaving her way closer, and she looks like she’s been dancing for a while. She taps Lila’s shoulder, gesturing toward the bar, and Jasper watches the interaction unfold. Lila turns away from Katy for a moment, grinning, and she yells something he can’t hear. He tries to read her lips but all he can catch is Alex and dance. It’s too perfect and Jasper laughs, shaking his head even as Lila nods, grinning. Before Jasper can lean down and say something, Katy pulls Lila away, red-faced and breathless, toward the bar. For a brief moment, Jasper feels terrified, left alone in the middle of the crowd. Jasper tries to get back the feeling, losing himself in the music, but his attention is half on Lila and Katy at the bar, nerves starting to get to him.

Alex is there at the door, appearing suddenly, as if Jasper’s wishes called him into existence. Jasper grins, calling his name before he remembers he’s in the middle of a crowd and Alex can’t hear him. Katy sees Alex and goes to talk to him while Jasper tries to make his way out of the huddle of dancing people, thinking only that he wants to talk to Alex. Before he can get out, there’s a hand on his wrist, stopping him from moving. Jasper looks back, surprised, and sees a man smiling at him. He’s young, with a cheeky grin and perfect brown hair combed away from his face. His eyes are hazel, fixed on Jasper as if they’re the only people in the bar.

“Hey. You’re a pretty good dancer,” the man says, practically yelling over the band. Jasper blinks. He’s flirting with me, he realizes. It’s unexpected and flattering and flustering. Jasper has no clue what to say—he could say, I’m interested in someone else, but there’s every chance in the world that Alex will just stop talking to him after Jasper’s confession. Jasper could just be chasing a failed romance, passing up a chance with this stranger for no reason at all. I could at least dance with him. He could, but he can’t. Jasper can’t bring himself to give in, even a little bit. It’s the same useless stubbornness that kept him at home for years; the same defiance that pushed him to lie about who he was just for the chance to try and land a guy way out of his league. Jasper can’t say yes to the handsome stranger, because in his heart, he’s already said yes to another handsome stranger. One that was never supposed to be his in the first place.

“Sorry, I’m—” Jasper starts, wishing he wasn’t so set on Alex, and then he hears Alex’s voice. Jasper turns, trying to find the other man. He can hear him saying something; it sounds like maybe hey or hell and Jasper wants to laugh at the bizarre game of Marco Polo they’re playing. The next thing out of Jasper’s mouth as he turns away from the stranger is a name. “Alex!”

The crowd seems intent on keeping them apart. Jasper has to weave his way between bodies packed together, almost dizzy when he tries to focus past the jumping people. Everyone but him is bouncing in time as he tries to listen for Alex’s voice. Just when he thinks he should wait outside of the crowd, he catches a glimpse of Alex’s blond hair in the strobe lights, his cheekbones painted with magenta and teal spots. It’s not the first time Jasper has been struck by how handsome Alex is, but it’s the most powerful. A dream, Jasper thinks, heart in his throat. He just looks like a dream. Alex looks like someone’s—or everyone’s—idea of a regal man; someone who belongs in a castle, wearing tailored clothing and drinking water from glass bottles as delicate as he is refined. Alex is some sort of Victorian hero from a novel that Jasper would never admit to reading, transplanted from another era and somehow dropped into the middle of a city that doesn’t really deserve him.

Alex sees Jasper and immediately starts moving toward him. Jasper smiles, trying to push away his dramatic and romantic thoughts. Focus on the now. Focus on the fact that you need to tell him the truth. Jasper meets Alex in the only space that appears in the crowd, squeezing between people, and then they’re face-to-face. Jasper laughs, about to say something about the crowd, but then Alex’s hands are on his borrowed jacket and he’s being pulled forward. Jasper only has time to panic blankly in his mind, confused and shocked, and then Alex is kissing him.

So, that’s what he feels like, Jasper thinks. His heart is hammering uncontrollably and he can barely make his body move; everything happens too fast and too slowly for him to react. Alex tastes like mint and salt and something Jasper can’t figure out, especially when he can barely think. They start slowly, just warm and pressed against each other, but then Jasper gives in. It’s the sign he’s been waiting for; the chance he thought he might not have. He made a move, Jasper realizes, and the thought makes him so triumphant he can barely hold back his smile. Knowing that Alex started it—that he’s the one pulling Jasper in, kissing him in the middle of a crowd—makes Jasper forget what he’s been worried about. He pulls Alex closer, trying to push back against the sheer force of everything. His hands somehow find the bottom of Alex’s shirt, wandering beneath the edge to touch as much skin as possible; Jasper almost dies at the feeling, the smoothness of Alex’s skin and how hot it feels in the press of the crowd. However slow Alex was at first, the careful approach disappears once Jasper starts kissing him back. There’s no longer any space between them, and Jasper knows they’re getting sloppy, breathing ragged and heavy as they keep going, somehow unable to pull apart.

Someone wolf whistles and they stutter, managing to move apart a fraction of an inch. Jasper feels hyperaware of his body—the way his lips are practically burning, the way his heartbeat is going a million miles an hour, the way he feels hot. Every inch of him is tuned in to Alex; he feels like a satellite in orbit, pulled along for the ride.

“I didn’t know it would be like that,” Alex says, practically gasping his words. He looks shocked—confused, surprised, but somehow ecstatic. Jasper almost kisses him again, but he holds back, the words playing in his head over and over again. I could have only dreamed it would be like that. He feels dizzy with the sudden change, still reeling.

The song ends and the crowd starts to shift, some people filtering away for drinks. All Jasper wants is to pull Alex away and find a corner or leave. He opens his mouth to say something—to ask if Alex wants to go, maybe, or to ask what on earth possessed him to walk up to Jasper and kiss him—but he never gets the chance. Alex pulls him through the thinning crowd, determined, and it’s all Jasper can do to hold on to his hand, letting Alex guide him to the back of the bar. Their friends are somewhere around, but Jasper doesn’t see any of them; all he sees is the exit at the back, the door propped open to let cold air in. They escape without any trouble, Jasper feeling half tipsy from the drinks he’s had but entirely clear-headed. Jasper barely sets foot on the dirty street before Alex is pushing him back against the brick wall of the building, his hands firm against Jasper’s arms.

Even if he’d been expecting it, Jasper doesn’t think he could ever be ready for Alex. Every kiss seems to flood him with more of the drug between them, pounding in his blood and making his head foggy. Jasper can’t bring himself to care that they’re in a cold, dirty alley, with paper and leaves rustling against the ground. Nothing matters but Alex and the taste of his mouth, the way he angles his head and the heat of his skin. Jasper almost wants to stop him just to get them to leave but he doesn’t, too caught up. Alex’s hand is wandering away from Jasper’s waist and then his leg slips between Jasper’s, pressing. Jasper moans, breaking their kiss, and then Alex is biting at his neck with a determination that’s blinding.

“Are you—what—” Jasper stutters, trying to come up with a sentence to ask are you really going to do this here? He doesn’t think he would say no if he could, and Alex is moving so fast there’s really no way to get a word in edgewise without derailing him.

“I need you. I don’t know why, but I need you,” Alex says, the words murmured against Jasper’s neck. The confession sends a shiver up Jasper’s spine, and he feels like his legs are shaking under the weight of it. He half doesn’t believe it. Everything that Alex has said—I didn’t know it would be like that, I need you—seems to be straight out of a movie. They’re words that no one would hear in reality; especially not Jasper, who has barely had any relationships at all in his life. Certainly none like this.

Jasper knows what he wants. He desperately wants to make Alex feel good—he wants to give him what he wants, even in the dirty alley; he wants to make Alex shake and plead. There’s so much want coiled below his stomach that Jasper is already blinking stars away from under his eyelids. Alex is pulling Jasper in, guiding Jasper’s hands to Alex’s belt, and Jasper knows what to do. He fumbles at first, not looking, feeling his way through unhooking the buckle. Once it’s gone, it only takes a second to move Alex’s jeans out of the way, pushing them down without thinking as Alex hisses at the contact. Even as Jasper is pushing clothes away, Alex is turning them around, backing up against the wall and pushing at Jasper’s shoulders.

There’s water on the ground, barely there, as if a mist of rain had covered it hours ago. It’s cold on Jasper’s knees, but he ignores it, his hands careful as they pull Alex’s underwear away. Everything is gone, nothing between him and Alex and the way his skin smells like cologne and soap and sweat. He’s not touching me, Jasper thinks, and he’s not sure why but he knows he wants to make this good. It has to be good—they’re in a back alley, trying not to get caught by a bar full of people, some of which are their friends. They’re probably looking for us. He can’t bring himself to care. Jasper moves closer, knees damp and already warning him of soreness, and then Jasper opens his mouth and forgets everything else about the night. Alex’s hands are threading in his hair, warm and firm, and Jasper wants to taste everything—the salt and richness makes his mouth water, like he’s eating something impossibly delicious. Jasper is vaguely aware of how hungry he is and how shameless he probably looks, holding onto Alex’s hips like they’re the only things keeping him on the ground.

Alex groans, his fingers tightening in Jasper’s hair, urging him to move. The alley might as well be in the middle of a highway for all Jasper cares; he focuses on moving, tasting, and trying to breathe, even while he feels breathless with desire. Nothing has ever felt so necessary to him as this, as if he has to give Alex what he needs and can’t stop or turn away. Alex is already close, Jasper can tell, and he wonders if the heightened need lingering between them was just from kissing or if it was something else. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this, building up to it, but what about him? Has he been holding back, too?

There’s a small noise of surprise when Alex hits his head against the wall, throwing it back sharply, and Jasper can’t take his eyes off him. Even like this, in near-darkness and disheveled from head to toe, Alex still looks beautiful. His blond hair is gold in the light, and he somehow manages to look graceful, even while pressing up against a brick wall, moving into Jasper’s mouth with barely any control. It only takes one minute—one move, one moment—and Alex is pulling on Jasper’s hair with a muffled yell.

The first thing Jasper is vaguely aware of is how sore his knees are. He can barely control his wince when he stands, sticky and stiff. Alex is still panting; his hands move from Jasper’s hair, softer, and he pulls them closer together. The taste between them is strange—alcohol, skin, mint. Jasper barely has any breath left but he gladly gives it up, glad to be standing again. Alex is slower when he kisses Jasper, the intensity and need gone; the only thing left is a sense of completion, the look on Alex’s face sated and relaxed. Alex is carefully pulling his clothes up, laughing a little, and the sound is mischievous. He looks like a kid that successfully stole a cookie from the jar, and Jasper wants to laugh with him. He almost does, but then the back door to the bar slams open.

“Hey, if you’re gonna come back here, keep the door open,” the man in the doorway says—a bartender, with a black apron at his waist and a rag in hand. “It’s nicer in front, next time you need air or a smoke break.”

The man goes back inside, door propped open behind him, and Jasper stares at Alex for a moment before bursting into laughter. Smoke break, he thinks, a hand hovering over his mouth. Did we really just do that? Did I? He’s never before done anything like what he just did. It’s strange, walking back into the bar as if nothing has happened. The band is playing again, the bass thumping through the floors, and there are people everywhere. Jasper glances at Alex, wondering what they’re supposed to do next.

“I should, um, clean up,” Jasper says, clearing his throat nervously. Alex watches him from his place against the wall, leaning like he’s posing for a picture, and he grins.

“You do that. We can find the others after.”

Alex follows him inside, and Jasper thanks his lucky stars that the bathroom is mostly empty; it only takes him a minute to clean up, but he knows he probably still smells like sex, if anyone were to get too close. The smoke in the bar is thin enough that he can’t cover it up, but at the moment, he doesn’t really care. He almost wants to yell his conquest over the music, letting everyone know what he’s done and who he’s done it with. I’m this proud of being with Alex, and it’s probably barely been ten minutes since he first kissed me. Jasper grins, fighting the triumph he feels, and then he is hit with a sudden wave of terror. I didn’t tell him. Part of him desperately hopes that maybe Alex will understand, but another part whispers he’ll never forgive you. Not after what you just did.

“Hey! There you are!” Katy yells, waving at them from the end of the bar. Ezra is there, talking to Dean, his back to them. Alex leads the way, and Jasper feels each footstep like he’s walking to his execution. He blindly prays that no one will say anything.

“I didn’t realize your brother was going to be here,” Alex says, nudging Jasper.

“What?” Jasper asks, mouth dry. He’s barely able to comprehend the words. Oh, God. I told Ezra not to pretend. He’s going to know. Alex will know. When they reach Katy, she’s polishing off a drink, her hair pushed haphazardly away from her face. Jasper can tell she’s reaching her limit of energy, probably because they’ve been at the bar for over two hours and she’d come ready to party. Jasper silently hopes she suggests heading out; he doesn’t know what Alex is planning, but he wants to leave—preferably for Alex’s apartment, where they won’t have to worry about a third person. His head is swimming with a mix of emotion—excitement, attraction, and the underlying feeling of dread.

“Where did you go? I lost track of you after you decided to become a star dancer,” Katy laughs, leaning back against the bar.

“Needed air. I did a lot of dancing,” Jasper says, glad that it’s too dark for his blush to properly tip her off. Katy shakes her head and Alex leans down, about to say something, and then Ezra turns around.

“There you are, Jazz. I think we might head out soon,” Ezra says, combing a hand through his hair. It isn’t until he’s said Jasper’s name that he sees Alex standing there, his eyes widening a little. “Alex! I don’t think I got to talk to you when you got here.”

Alex is silent. He’s staring at Ezra, mouth half-open and words dead on his tongue. Jasper feels his hope die in his chest, crumbling right alongside his heart. There’s no hiding now. The look on Alex’s face is all too familiar. It’s too familiar, and Jasper feels his heart crack a little, something inside him dying. The look on Alex’s face is the look of someone who has just realized they have been lied to. It’s not an expression of fury the way Jasper had worried it might be; instead, it’s hurt. It’s worse. Somehow, watching Alex look like he can’t figure out why this is happening is so much worse than hearing him get angry about it. Jasper can feel a litany of no hammering in his head, just as hard as his heart had been pounding.

“Umm—It was crowded,” Alex says, the words coming out flat, and Jasper feels it like a nail hammered into his chest. He knows, without any uncertainty whatsoever, that he’s right.

It was a mistake.

Kissing Alex was a mistake; following him outside was a mistake. It was all a mistake, and Jasper suddenly feels his chest tightening. All he wants is to get out—no longer to Alex’s apartment or a good night, but to his own bed, and the silence and comfort of an empty room. Jasper moves from Alex’s side, feeling the space between them like a knife to his skin, and leans closer to Ezra.

“Let’s go. I’m kind of tired.”

“Okay,” Ezra says, a brief look of concern on his features, but he conveys the message to the others and lets Jasper lead the way out of the bar. Jasper barely pays attention to his brother, making a beeline for the car while trying to keep a level head. There’s a lump in his throat, and he suddenly feels more than just sore. He feels worn and tired and completely empty.

Jasper barely recognizes the goodbyes as they are spoken. He gets into the car, wanting nothing more than to take everything back and forget, and then Ezra starts to drive them home. Jasper doesn’t even ask to make sure that Ezra is completely sober, even though he knows his brother probably is, like they had planned. Jasper spends the entire ride home trying to keep himself together, and then he showers in silence and finally crawls into bed, his ears ringing like he’s been shot. The last thing he thinks is, I ended up losing him anyway, and he closes his eyes and tries to force himself to sleep.