I grasped Grady’s hand, and the sweat from his palms seeped into mine. His face registered a blank stare and I could see his breath in the cold evening air puffing short, labored breaths.

Within minutes, we were back at the cabin. Grady sat in a chair and I turned the stove on to make him tea.

He exhaled. “I’m sorry, I—” His words were sharp and staccato.

I cut him off. “No, babe, you have nothing to be sorry about. We don’t have to talk about it unless you want to.”

I wanted to talk. I wished I could climb into his mind and erase his memories of war.

Maybe he could return the favor. Erase the memories of seeing my mom dead. Erase the memories of what I knew.

We could both start fresh, no pasts, both of us could learn to be present and just be here now.

But that was impossible. All I could do was comfort him. Try to put down my walls too. Allow myself to fall in love with him and be loved back.

His hands finally stopped shaking.

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

Sure. Didn’t sound convincing but I’d take it. The teakettle whistled and I poured two cups of hot water. I dunked the tea bags into the mugs, watching the warm liquid turn to a dark amber shade, then placed the cup in front of Grady.

We sat in silence, sipping our tea. He had access to the best care, but clearly, however they were treating him, wasn’t working.

He finally spoke, his words disjointed. “Sunset. Late summer sunset, a night like this. Mountains, a chill in the air, planes overhead.”

Triggers. I couldn’t even pretend to imagine what it was like to be in a combat zone. Or to feel like you’d never left.

I’d studied every published detail of his attack available after I met Grady—hell I could recite his medal citation from memory.

Without hesitation and with complete disregard for his own safety, Corporal Williams reached out and pulled the grenade to his body, shielding his fellow Marines only feet away. When the grenade detonated, his body absorbed the brunt of the blast, severely wounding him, but saving the life of his fellow Marines. By his undaunted courage, bold fighting spirit, and unwavering devotion to duty in the face of almost certain death, Corporal Williams reflected great credit upon himself and upheld the highest traditions of the Marine Corps and the United States Naval Service.

I wanted to hear about what he went through in his own words. Maybe it would even help him, to talk about the night, desensitize it. I certainly wasn’t a trained psychologist. But Grady and I had something—whatever we labeled it—between us. Maybe he could share with me what he couldn’t tell others.

“Grady, that’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But if you’d like to tell me, I’d really like to know what happened to you.”

He sighed and stared in the distance. “We were clearing houses, looking for terrorists. This one motherfucking insurgent threw a grenade in front of my Marines. I jumped on the grenade.”

He said it matter-of-factly, like it wasn’t a big deal, like he bought the guy behind him a drink at Starbucks. “Why?”

His voice lowered. “Because it was my job. Because I’m a Marine. Because he was my best friend, my brother in arms, I loved him. He would’ve done it for me. I was just the unlucky motherfucker to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And the worst thing about it . . . he died anyway. I did it all for nothing.”

I wanted more, so much more. To go deep into his psyche. Find out every detail about the night, what he saw, what he felt, physically and emotionally. But not like this, not yet.

I turned into him and initiated a kiss. He kissed me back, but these kisses weren’t lustful. They were comforting, dare I say soothing, or possibly even loving.

I pulled back for a moment, and looked at him, really saw him. I imagined what he had looked like before the injury, who he had been before he’d sacrificed his looks, his health, his soul. Was it for his country? Was it for his friend?

Tears welled in my eyes.

His gaze was fixated on me too, and I allowed him to look at me. To truly see me. Did he see my longing for him? How much I wanted to be loved by him? How hard I prayed that this, whatever this was, could possibly work out?

He lifted me off the chair and carried me to the bed. It creaked when he placed me on the quilt, and we both laughed. It was nice to see him smile, a hint of joy brightening his face.

He climbed on top of me as his lips took mine again. His tongue slowly explored my mouth as his hand guided down my body.

I wiggled out of my clothes as he pulled off his shirt. His arm reached around to unhook my bra, and his mouth lapped at my breasts, the stubble from his beard rubbing against my chest.

I decided to take a risk—put myself out there and let him know what I was feeling. I whispered in his ear, “I’m falling in love with you.” Tonight, there was a sense of comfort between us, as if every kiss was healing our souls.

He pulled down my panties, and I heard the distinct sound of foil ripping. His tip grazed me and pressed between my legs. This teasing was unbearable; I couldn’t wait any longer. I’d never wanted anyone more in my life.

His lips locked again with mine as he pushed deep inside me. His pace alternated between hunger and caution, as if he was holding back the beast within. I wasn’t scared of his wild side; I wanted to see the animal he kept caged. I pulled him closer to me, urging him to fill me up and erase the space between us.

He glided in and out of me, each thrust taking me closer to nirvana. He paused for a second and looked deep in my eyes.

“I need you.”

Need? That was good, right? It had to mean something. I needed him too; I needed this moment, this feeling.

His fingers interlaced with mine and he pinned them over my head. His pace quickened, and I could feel myself desperately trying to hold on to the cliff, hold on and ride the waves of ecstasy. He released my hands, and I clutched the sheets as he ground deep inside me, pressing flat against my belly, giving me the direct stimulation I craved. I dug my fingers into his ass, and he pounded into me. Our release came crashing down around us, and I savored every second as our bodies drowned together in a sea of satisfaction.

This man loved his fellow Marines, was willing to give his life for them. He was capable of loving someone more than he loved himself. I wondered what it would be like to be loved by such a man.

But my heart was restless. Soon our world would change, our time out here would be over. No matter how much we wanted to, we would never be able to return to the innocence of this moment.