I never got nervous, never. Not before a mission, not before a football game, not even during drown proofing at BUD/S. But I had to admit, Sara made me nervous.

Tonight, I would spoil her. The limo dropped us off at the Grand Del Mar hotel and we walked into the upscale French restaurant, Addison. I was more of a steak and potatoes guy, but this place was supposedly the best and Sara deserved the best.

Well, at least this place was romantic. The lighting was dim, and we were escorted to a huge private booth near the blazing fire. I hadn’t done this romance stuff in so long, my hands grew clammy as we sat. I wiped them on my pants. We ordered the chef’s twelve-course tasting menu and a sommelier picked our wine pairings.

As we indulged in oysters and champagne, I took Sara’s hand. If I was going to be honest, now was as good a time as any.

“Look, I wanted to tell you something. Something I never tell anyone.”

Her eyes brightened. “What?”

“Why I stopped playing ball.”

“I’m dying to know. But you don’t have to tell me, Kyle. It’s apparent it’s hard for you to talk about it if you’ve kept it to yourself for this long.”

She stared at me through long, fluttering lashes. I exhaled. The words that I’d held back. I was going to speak my truth. She squeezed my hands, signaling it was all going to be okay. And I cleared my throat.

“After playing for a few years, I was getting tired of the scene. But, I’ll be honest, I was addicted to the lifestyle. When I told my then girlfriend I was considering leaving football, she dumped me. She wanted to be a football wife.”

Sara squeezed my hand again and I couldn’t help staring at the way the candlelight illuminated her chest. Every time she took a breath it rose like what I said hung on a knife’s edge. “That’s horrible, Kyle. She obviously wasn’t right for you.”

“No, she wasn’t. I see that now. But, it really got to me then. I felt that everyone around me was just after my money. No one liked me, the true me. But, for a while, I was just pissed and started acting out. It all blew up one night. My buddy JaMarcus and I had only one night left in Dallas. After a year on the road, it had turned into the same thing every night. Different state, different girl. We’d met two girls in the bar that night. They didn’t seem like typical groupies, not that we would’ve cared if they were. So we took them up to our suite. I started to kiss one of the girls and she was super aggressive and handed me a condom. Now, I always had my own stash, but she insisted. She was hot and I was drunk so I tossed caution to the wind and rolled the condom on, and there at the tip was a hole. A fucking hole. She had poked a hole in the condom. How sick is that? I pulled up my pants and told her to get out. To say I was mad was an understatement. But I had a revelation that night. I was on the wrong path. I used people just as much as they used me. I was a damn opportunist with a god complex. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. When I did, I felt alone. People’s loyalty ended the minute the benefits stopped. The sex wasn’t the only thing that was dirty. And I should have known better. That’s the thing about being shallow—it doesn’t take long to be emptied and sink to the bottom. So I chose to walk away and find my own peace. Because that person, yeah, that person wasn’t me.”

“But you made a change. You left and joined the Navy.”

“Yes, I joined the Navy to be a SEAL. But honestly, I didn’t change my personal life. Being a SEAL didn’t change that—just as many women want to be fucked by a SEAL as they want to be fucked by a baller. Now I was honest about my intentions up front. People could take it or leave it. Women every night, frog hogs, and groupies, I was just a notch on their belts. Not saying I was any better, but at least I wasn’t a liar or a user. They’d been warned. I figured as long as I served my country and devoted my life for others, I’d be absolved of the shitty things I did on my downtime. Basically, I lied to myself and didn’t give a fuck. Until I met you.” She stayed quiet and stared at me, appearing conflicted. Fuck it. Might as well finish. “I’m not going to lie to you. Or sugarcoat things to sound pretty. At first, I thought you were no different than the rest. I told you I played professionally, and you went home with me. The whole situation reminded me of going to the hotel with the chick from Dallas, only I was controlling the situation.” She let go of my hand, and it was like being thrown into freezing water. “I have to finish, Sara.” She motioned for me to continue but kept her hands on the table. And it took all I had not to reach across the table and demand she place her hands back on mine. She needed to understand she was part of me now.

I’m so sorry, baby.

“Speak, Kyle.” So I did.

“Still, I had no intention of calling you. Ever. Even if I hadn’t deployed. But you seemed so open and honest. The following week I told myself I was doing the right thing. If you were as amazing as you seemed, then getting mixed with me was a bad idea. I was doing you a favor. Then seeing you in Afghanistan was a total shock. I knew I couldn’t stay away from you. On our night together on the bunker, I started to feel something, but I was so stuck in my way of life. It was selfish of me to get involved with you again when I didn’t have my head on straight. And I almost told you before you left, but I punked out. But I’m telling you, Sara, when they took you…” I paused, trying to lock down my anger, “I mean it. I lost it. I had to find you. I don’t think I ever would’ve recovered if I had lost you. Please.” I covered her smaller hands with mine. “That feeling of being used is something I unfairly inflicted on you, even when you showed me you were kind. You trusted me and I failed you. And for that I’m sorry. It’s hard to trust people when all you’ve ever gotten was burned. But that’s no excuse. And that’s not how I should have treated someone I had fallen in love with.” Her lips trembled, and she closed her eyes. “Sara?” And that’s when I saw it. She looked like she was fighting back tears. And I was done hurting her.

I slid next to her. My fucking heart hurt seeing her like this. “Baby, look at me, please.” Cupping her face, I brought it up to meet mine. I was ready to apologize until I was blue in the face. Whatever it took to have her look at me again on her own free will. But before I had a chance to utter another word her eyes opened and she kissed me. Feel-it-in-my-bones kissed me. My groin hurt as her warm mouth pressed against mine and she sank her tongue in my mouth. I could feel her everywhere, and I grew harder. Cornering her in the booth, I gave zero fucks that we were out in public. She worked my mouth hungrily and I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t explain it. Had no idea why she was kissing me, and I wasn’t going to question it.

I let go of her face, bracing one hand on the table and the other behind her head, pulling her in and kissed her back, swallowed her moans, drank in her lips, and willed time to stop because I never wanted this moment to end. When she pulled back from my lips, her breath uneven, I started to worry she’d regretted it.

“I-I’m not upset. I’m relieved,” she panted. Swallowing, she spoke more clearly. “I had the same reservations. I just fell faster than you did. I’ve known for some time now I fell in love with you. I just didn’t say anything because I was afraid you didn’t feel the same. You hide your emotions better than anyone I know. When you were being honest about our beginning, it just opened a fresh wound for me. The more you spoke, the more uncomfortable you seem to get, and I started to think you brought me here to relieve your conscience and back out on what you’d said.”

My eyes hooded, and I grew mad at myself. I’d put that doubt in her.

“No.” I lightly kissed her lips. “I want you. I need you. All of you, all the time. I’ll be faithful to you. Come home from deployments only to you. This,” I pointed at her chest, “I’m never letting it go.”

She leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips then worked her way to my neck, kissing her way up to my ear. “Kyle… Let’s get out of here.”

I turned and signaled to the waiter. “Check please!”