MADDOX
Being in an enclosed space with A.B. probably isn’t my brightest idea today, but I just can’t stay away. As I follow her into the office, the soft click of the door closing behind me ignites an ever-present desire for her in the pit of my stomach. A primal urge to have her—to claim her as my own. Images of her laid bare before me, her legs spread wide and inviting—her soft caramel skin ripe for the tasting. My hands are tangled in her hair before I know what I’m doing. My lips find hers in a desperate kiss, and I’m rewarded with her pushing me back against the door, her tongue twisting and tangling with mine.
It takes all my strength to break away. Her panting breath has me hard as a rock, my pulse racing at the sight of her breasts as they rise and fall. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to do that. It’s just… whenever I’m around you…”
“We have chemistry, Maddox. You don’t have to explain it to me.” The irritation in her voice reminds me why I came.
“Look, about this mornin’.”
“I know. It was a big mistake, and you were vulnerable after the funeral. I’m familiar, so I was an easy fuck for you.”
“That’s not even close to what I was going to say. In no way did last night happen because of my vulnerability. And let’s get it out of the way now… nothing about last night felt familiar. Tell me I’m not alone in thinking last night was not how it used to feel when we were together?”
“You’re not.”
“That was… sex has never felt like that for me before. It was…”
“Earth-shattering?” Her eyes find mine, her vulnerabilities showing through as she lets her guard down for just a moment. I take a step forward.
“Yes.” She backs away from me, and it hurts more than I want it to.
“Sit, Maddox. We need to talk, and being distracted by this spark between us isn’t going to help resolve the situation.”
“I’m a situation to you?”
“You know what I mean. I don’t think either of us planned on last night, and the way you responded this mornin’…”
“Okay. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I could have.”
“Understatement of the century.”
“But, neither did you. I wanted to talk, and you stormed off. Please understand I didn’t mean to make you feel cheap, or like a one-night stand. You know as well as I do we could never be just a one-night thing. I’m sorry I freaked out and asked you to hide.”
“Why did you ask me to hide?”
“Come on, A.B. Rae is three years old, her granddaddy just died, and she has no clue about her momma. I didn’t want to complicate things for her, when I didn’t even understand what happened between us. I was trying to protect her.”
She starts pacing the room, and I know she’s about to say something that makes her uncomfortable. She used to do it when we were young. “I don’t know about her momma. Are you still married, Maddox? Am I the other woman? Do you still love her? Is she coming back?”
“I’m going to try not to be pissed at your first question. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed between us, A.B., you know me. I would never start something if I were still legally married. I’m not that kind of guy.” I watch as she slumps into the chair, relief evident in every muscle of her body.
“I had to ask. No one has mentioned her, and you haven’t exactly been forthcoming on the issue.”
“That’s because it’s no one’s goddamn business but mine.”
“I didn’t deserve to know?”
“You haven’t wanted to know anything about my life for over a decade. I didn’t expect last night to happen, and now that it has, I’m here talking to you. What more do you want from me? At this point, you know a hell of a lot more than I do.”
“I’ve wanted to explain since the moment I got back into town.”
“I wasn’t ready to listen. I am now, and I’m here to be honest with you.” She twists a long black curl in between her fingers. A nervous habit she’s had since kindergarten.
“Why did your wife leave?”
“That’s something I can’t answer. I don’t know. We should never have gotten married. I can’t say we shouldn’t have been together, because if we hadn’t, I wouldn’t have Rae, and she’s my world. The first time I saw her on the ultrasound, I was in love.”
“So, you weren’t happy?” I don’t want to lie to her, but I know if I were in her situation, it would hurt me to hear this.
“In the beginning, it was good. I was lonely out on the circuit, but I was careless. I knew Sam and I weren’t a good match. It was all fun and games until she found out she was pregnant.”
“How long had you been together?” I hate to see the pain in her eyes, but I continue anyway.
“Three months. By that point, it was inconsequential… I wasn’t going to skip out on her or the baby. I married her and moved her to Kingsbury Falls. I tried to go back on the road, but it didn’t last long. Sam wasn’t born for small town living, and I understood that. I wasn’t exactly cut out for it either.”
“Then why did you come back? You could have gone anywhere?”
“I wanted Rae to have what I had… Pops… and my dad. We may not have seen eye-to-eye, but my dad was always there when I needed him. When my mom left… he didn’t. He took the ranch and built it into something so much bigger. I knew I had some growing up to do, and I thought Sam and I had a chance of making a life here. I believed I could give her and Rae a stable, normal life.” I take a moment to compose myself, the knowledge that I am now the head of the family, slowly sinking in. Pops doesn’t have the fight left in him to keep it together right now, and my dad… is gone.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I take a deep breath and force myself to tell A.B. the truth. “I’m a good dad, A.B., but I was a shitty husband. Sure, I put food on the table, and Sam never wanted for anything… except my love. It was the one thing I couldn’t give her. When Rae was fourteen months old, Sam and I had a fight the night before the spring fair. She told me she didn’t love me anymore, and then left to help set up. She never came back. About three months after she left, I got a set of divorce papers in the mail. She’d already signed them, along with an affidavit giving up all parental rights to Rae. It’s the only reason I knew she wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere.”
She drops to her knees in front of me, placing her hands on my thighs. “I’m so sorry, Mad.”
“I’m the only person who should be sorry. I’m the reason Rae doesn’t have a momma. I drive away every woman in my life. My mom, Sam… you.
“You didn’t drive me away. Please, give me a chance to explain.”
“I don’t need any sugarcoating. I know I’m not the easiest person to love, but I’m determined to be different for my daughter. I won’t be selfish with her. I can’t be.” A.B. takes my hands in hers planting the softest kiss on my palm.
“Have you told anyone about the divorce?”
“No. It ain’t anybody’s business. How would I tell my baby girl her momma signed away any right to see her? Best to leave it alone. This town ain’t exactly great at keeping secrets.”
“Pops? Your dad?”
“No. You’re the first person I’ve told. You deserve to know I didn’t cheat on Sam, and you’re not the other woman.”
“Thank you for telling me. I know it couldn’t have been easy. And it’s about time I tell you why I left.” Before I can protest, she continues. “I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you, Mad. I left because I loved you.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Please, let me speak. I was young and scared. What I felt for you… it terrified me. I knew how badly you wanted to be a bronc rider, and how amazing you were. But, I knew if we stayed together, and I went to Yale, you would’ve given up your dreams to follow me there.”
“Would that have been so bad? For us to build a life together? You never gave me a say in it.”
“Because I knew what you would do. I couldn’t let you give up your dreams for me, Maddox. I loved you too much for that.” I pull my hands from her grasp.
“Is that what you tell yourself to ease the guilt? I know what we had, A.B. I was there. I felt it, too. But the difference between you and me, is I loved you so much, I would never have been able to leave you. I wouldn’t have taken your choice away from you. I didn’t have the right to make decisions for you.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. That my sacrifice would be better for you in the long run.”
“So, you left and never looked back?”
“No! I followed every step of your career for years. It broke my heart every time I saw a picture of you with some hot girl, or watch you lift a trophy. It killed me I wasn’t there to share your success. I came to the rodeo in Houston about five years ago, intent on talking to you. I wanted to tell you how proud I was, and how I’d missed you every second of every day since I left.”
“It was you?”
“You saw me?”
“I thought I did, but when I couldn’t find you after the show, I figured it was wishful thinking on my part.”
“I couldn’t do it. You looked so happy, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. I was so afraid you hated me.”
“I did hate you, for a really long time. I still want to hate you, A.B., but as hard as I try, there’s a part of me that is always going to love you.” Her lips gently kiss the scruff of my jaw, slowly working her way to my mouth asking the permission I can’t bring myself to give. “Why didn’t you know I had quit, or that I’d moved back with a wife and daughter?”
“When I left the stadium that night, I vowed never to look you up again. It was too painful, and I couldn’t move on watching your life from the outside looking in.”
“So, you got over me, and then decided to move back to Kingsbury Falls? Why did you come back?”
“I never got over you, Mad. I’m still not over you.” I want to believe her, but I know I’m not the reason she came back here.
“Why did you come back?”
“I lost a patient.” Her eyes fill with tears. “She was nine years old, and I’d been treating her for a congenital heart defect for two years. She was waiting for a transplant, and I’d done everything I could for her, and for her family. But, in the end, she died before a heart became available. She was like family to me, and I couldn’t save her. I tried to get past it. As a doctor, you can’t save everyone, but as hard as I worked, trying to heal the pain, I just got to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore. I was working all the time, wasting my life in a city that never felt like home, living with a man…” She stops dead in her tracks, realizing what she just said.
“You were living with someone?”
“Yes.” Her head drops in defeat, and I know I have to ask the next question, as much as I don’t want to hear the answer.
“Did you tell him you were leaving?” Silence seems to span an eternity. “Answer me, Annabeth. Did you tell him you were leaving?” She begins to sob, uncontrollable tears.
“No. I wrote him a letter.” Anger fills my veins.
“How long did you live together?”
“Two years.”
“Did you love him?”
“Not the way I love you.” I don’t need to hear anymore. My worst fears are confirmed, and I know I have to leave before I say something I’ll regret.
“I gotta go.”
“Please, Maddox. You don’t know the whole story.”
“I don’t need to.” I make my way to the door, unable to hear anymore. “I can’t do this again. I shouldn’t have let last night happen. I’m sorry.” She grabs my arm, but as I turn to meet her gaze, she loosens her grip—the tears in my eyes, enough for her to let me go.
“I’m so sorry, Mad. I’m so sorry. I love you.”
“I love you, too, but I love my daughter more…” The sound of her crying, echoes down the hallway as I force myself to walk away. Rae’s already had too much loss in her life, I can’t risk A.B. leaving again and breaking both our hearts. And, as much as it kills me to say it—I can’t trust her.
* * *
It was a week after the funeral before Pops came out of his room for breakfast. Slowly, he’s coming back to us. I don’t think he’ll ever truly be the same, but Rae is so happy to have him around the house. She’s good for him—they’re good for each other. I haven’t let either of them out of my sight. Between the ranch, the house, and sorting out all the legal stuff that comes with someone’s death—I haven’t had a minute to let myself grieve. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Everywhere I turn, there’s something to remind me of him.
Moving the baler was harder than I thought it would be. It’s just a machine… just a field. But, the moment I turned the key in the ignition, I was flooded with memories of him. Of the fight we had that day, and of holding him as he took his final breath. I don’t know what I would’ve done if A.B. hadn’t been there with me. I haven’t spoken to her since the day after the funeral. I’m not avoiding her, I’m just not ready to deal with how I feel.
I thought there was a chance for us, and if I only had myself to think about, then maybe I’d be more willing to risk it. But, knowing she just walked away from a life she’d built in New York, the same way she did when she left me—I don’t think I can take that leap of faith… as much as I want to.
Jax convinced me I need a break from the ranch. Pops has reassured me he’ll be fine with Rae, but I’m still uneasy about the whole thing. I’m going to go out for an hour with Jax, and then make my excuses and duck out early. It’s not like he won’t find a willing female to keep him company.
As we walk through the doors of Cardinals, I’m struck by the silence. There’s no music, no low hum of conversation, and no one behind the bar. Instead, there’s a sign propped up on the counter: COME ON OVER TO LLOYD’S BARN—DANCING, DRINKS, AND LIVE MUSIC!
“Let’s go.” Jax slaps me on the back. He knows exactly how I’m going to react. “You need a night off. Come on… a few drinks and some live music. I promise I’ll dance with all of the single women who try to accost you!”
“I just wanted a few quiet drinks, man. Hanging with the entire town isn’t exactly my idea of relaxing.”
“I’m not taking no for an answer. Give me an hour. If you still want to go after that, I’ll drive you home myself!” I know that’s bullshit. He’ll be lost in a corner with some random girl within thirty minutes.
“An hour, then I’m out.”
We stroll through the quiet streets, toward the barn. This is small town living in its simplest form. As we approach, the distant sound of music and laughter travels on the wind. Jax leaves me for dust the minute we step through the open doors. I hold back, leaning against the hardwood walls, taking in the sights and sounds. Since A.B. left all those years ago, I’ve shunned anything this place had to offer. But, as I stand on the outside looking in, I realize I’m a part of this town whether I want to be or not. Everyone in this room turned up to pay their respects to my dad, and there’s not a soul in this room who wouldn’t help me, Pops, or Rae—no questions asked.
Why fight fate? This is where I want to be, and where I want my daughter to enjoy the safety and family that comes with Kingsbury Falls. For the first time since I came back, I feel like I’m home.
I wander through the crowds, nodding hello, avoiding the dance floor at all costs. As I make my way to the bar, three girls run my way—they can’t be more than sixteen. “You’re Maddox Hale! Can we get a picture with you?” It’s been a long time since I’ve been asked to pose for pictures. I thought everyone had forgotten about my glory days.
“Sure.” They practically glue themselves to my side, being a little overfriendly with the roaming hands on my abs. I smile and wait while they take turns groping me and using their phones to snap pictures. As I pose for the final picture, I see A.B. on the dance floor. Her eyes find mine, a tight smile, pulling at the corners of her lips as she dances with some guy I don’t know. The pit of my stomach sinks to my boots, seeing another man wrap his arms around her. I head to the bar in search of Kirby, and a stiff drink.
“Hey, brother! Didn’t expect to see you here. What’s your poison tonight?” I can always rely on Kirby not to overanalyze me, or expect to be my bartender psychologist.
“Double shot of bourbon.”
“You here alone?”
“Jax dropped me for the first girl he saw. Nothing new there. Lottie here?”
“Yeah. She’s been dancing all night. Haven’t gotten a moment with her.”
“Why don’t you let me serve this rabble for a while? Go dance with your wife.”
“I’m not going to leave you to deal with all this.” His protest is half-assed at best.
“Go. I was on the circuit for ten years… I know how to pour shots. Better than sitting by myself. Go.” He jumps over the bar. A man intent on getting his girl in his arms. I admire them. They knew what they wanted, and they made it happen. Simple and to the point. No messy complications.
“Thanks, bro!”
I wave him off and slide behind the bar. There’s something comforting about putting a physical barrier between me and everyone else—especially A.B. The moment I set foot in here tonight, I could pinpoint her location without looking. I feel her eyes on me, and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have, not to cave immediately and go to her. All I can think about is making love to her, feeling her fall apart beneath me. Behind this bar, I can fool myself for a little while longer. I can pretend the outcome isn’t inevitable. Tonight, I decide who I want to be. “Okay, ladies, who wants to do a shot with this thirsty rider?” Women crowd around the bar, twenty dollar bills waving in their hands.
Now this is familiar territory.