JAX
For the first time in my life, I made the right decision. I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m happy I didn’t leave Kingsbury Falls. It would have been the worst mistake of my life, and even sadder, I’d be living eighteen-year-old A.B.’s mistakes.
I was able to transfer to the University of Houston, and life is finally falling into place. I’m able to commute from here, and my advisor says I will be able to do a lot of the practical work on the ranch. I’m helping with the therapy center, but Savannah has been taking on the bulk of the responsibility, and she loves it.
It’s been an adjustment for all of us. Mad is a great brother, and he loves having a little sister. In the beginning, he struggled seeing Savannah and me together. She moved into the ranch with them, and he saw how devastated she was when we’d broken up. He’s known me his whole life and before he knew who she was, he was rooting for things to work out for me. Now, he’s protective of his sister and trying to be a supportive friend, but I understand it’s hard for him.
I had no idea she was nineteen when we first met. She told me she was working on a thesis, and she was drinking in Cardinals. It didn’t cross my mind to think for a second that she was under twenty-one. She’s mature for her age—losing a parent will do that to you. She’s been fending for herself for a long time. If she hadn’t lied, I wouldn’t have given her the chance to squirrel her way into my heart. She’s taught me that age is just a number. I’m attempting to reiterate that to Maddox at every available opportunity!
“Mornin’.” Everyone looks up from the kitchen table, and I remember why we spend most nights at my apartment.
“Uncle Jax! Aunt Savnanana has been telling me stories about Chicago. Can we go?” Savannah shakes her head. I think it will be a while before she is ready to go back there.
“Umm… we’ll need to ask Daddy.”
“Nice, douche.” If my start to the day wasn’t awkward enough, I managed to make it worse.
“Morning, baby.” Savannah greets me with a kiss and a smile. “Would you like some bacon and eggs?”
“I can get them.” Mad eyeballs me.
“You bet your ass you can. She isn’t your maid.”
“Are you going to get past this? I know she’s not my maid, and I’m well aware she’s your little sister. We’re together, and I’m not going anywhere.” He takes a deep breath allowing the tension to disperse from his shoulders.
“I know… I know. I don’t know why I keep saying things like that. I’m still processing.” I can’t be angry. Every time he defends her, a sweet grin spreads across Savannah’s lips, and my heart fills with love. I’d do anything for her, and if that includes relinquishing my best friend until he gets the hang of this brother gig, then so be it.
“No worries. I can take it.” We eat in silence and get ready for the day ahead. Today I’m working with Savannah which will be a nice change of pace.
“You ready to go?”
“Sure.”
“Okay, just let me freshen up, and I’ll be ready.” She disappears back to her room leaving me to be interrogated by Sally Rae.
“Why don’t you and Aunt Savnanana live in the same house?” I look to Mad for guidance, but his smug grin tells me he’s going to enjoy this.
“Well, remember when mommy and daddy didn’t live together?”
“Yes. But now they’re married, and Mommy is adopting me, and we’re a family. Are you and Auntie married?”
“No! We’re boyfriend and girlfriend. One day we’ll get married and live in the same house, just not yet.”
“Why?”
“That’s how grownups do things. They date, then they get married.”
“Why?” My eyes plead with Mad to put me out of my misery, but he just laughs.
“I don’t know. It just is.”
“But why?”
“Because it’s good to get to know someone before you get married and have babies.”
“Daddy had me before we got mommy.”
“I didn’t mean there was anything bad about that. Your daddy was waiting to give you the best mommy ever because you’re so special to all of us, sunshine. And A.B. is the best mommy ever, right?”
“Yes! I’m going to draw her a picture!” She skips from the table, her mind focused on something other than my love life.
“So… marriage and babies?” Mad’s brow is furrowed as he takes over from his daughter.
“Yes. That’s what I want for us. When you convinced me to go to Chicago, I bought her an engagement ring. I asked her when I decided to stay in town. She turned me down.”
“She doesn’t believe in marriage?”
“Shouldn’t you have this conversation with her?” I’m beginning to sweat under the spotlight.
“I’m asking you.”
“She said we need to take it slow and keep the ring to ask her again someday.”
“And?”
“And, I’m trying to respect her wishes. I’m all in… ‘til death do us part. The minute she’s ready, I’ll be putting that ring on her finger.”
“Mmm.” He gives me no sign of whether he thinks it’s good or bad, so I excuse myself from the table and go in search of Savannah.
I hustle her out the door as quickly as possible and enjoy the calm morning air as I take a deep breath to compose myself before we get to work for the day. I’m beginning to wonder if there’s ever going to be a time when the ranch feels like it used to. It’s still home to me, but I used to get this warmth that spread throughout my body when I set foot in these fields—a sense of peace and belonging that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Savannah makes me feel like that when we’re alone in our own little world, but when Mad is around us, I’m uneasy, even when he’s trying to be good about it.
Our day is productive but exhausting. Watching Savannah work with the kids is a beautiful sight. She’s natural and nurturing, and they all love her. I’m getting to know the rest of the staff, but it’s taking me a little longer with my hours at college. I love my classes, and now that the future is bright, I’m more determined than ever to succeed.
College isn’t what I thought it would be. Probably because I’m the oldest person in my year, and they keep referring to me as a ‘mature student.’ I’ve never been called mature in my life. Half of them are older than my girlfriend, and at least seventy-five percent of them have hit on me—including the professors. Savannah is always joking with me about the plethora of women available to me, but she knows I only have eyes for her.
Maddox is another story. I’ve stopped discussing anything about my course with him. He’s always asking if I’ve got female friends or been going to frat parties. I’m offended by the fact that he seems to think I’m incapable of change. That aside, why would I want to party with a bunch of kids who aren’t even old enough to drink? I know Savannah is technically too young to drink, but she’s different. Mad knows I’ve never been into younger women.
The irony of my relationship with Savannah is endless. She’s everything I’ve steered clear of my entire adult life—young, inexperienced, my best friend’s sister, and we started out under a dark cloud of lies. Lying has always been a hard line for me, I think because of my mom. She was always lying about where she was going or what she was doing. I have no time for it. That’s why I tried to keep my distance after I found out about everything with Savannah. I was scared to open myself up to that kind of hurt again, and I didn’t want to hurt Maddox.
That day in the field as I drove away, I realized no matter how scared I may be to love her, not loving her is altogether more terrifying. She appears at my side snaking her arm through mine as I lock the doors for the day.
“Can we stay at your place tonight?”
“Sure. Are you okay? You seemed a little quiet today.” Her head presses gently against my shoulder.
“I just want some time alone with you. Mad is getting on my nerves with the big brother routine. God, you’ve been his family way longer than I have. Can’t he see how much we love each other and get over it already?” I don’t disagree with her but I can understand his point of view a little easier than she can.
“He’ll get there. Cut him some slack.”
“How can you say that? He’s been treating you like some cradle-robbing womanizer.”
“Darlin’, I love that you want to stick up for me, but I’m just fine. I have you, and he isn’t wrong. I was a bad guy before I met you.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Doesn’t make it any less true. He was always telling me to step up and stop treating women like something expendable, but I didn’t listen. It was unusual for me to sleep with the same woman twice.” I don’t want to hide my past, but it’s not something I’m proud of these days. “I’d be ashamed if you knew how many women I’d used for sex. It’s why I couldn’t believe you felt I was worthy of your virginity.”
“I love the fact you are the only man who’s ever made love to me, and ever will.” I stop her before we get too close to the house.
“If I knew you were in my future, I wouldn’t have been that man. I would’ve tried to be the man I am now before we met.”
“I think you worry too much, baby. How bad can it be? Twenty women? They are your past. I’m the woman who gets to have a future with you.” I can’t hold her gaze. I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t bear to shatter her illusions.
“Seriously? How many?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation with you, Savannah.” She grabs my arm as I turn to walk away.
“You brought it up. You can’t say ‘I’d be ashamed if you knew,’ and then shut me down. I’ve never pushed you to talk about it. I knew you weren’t like me, and honestly, it does hurt to know that you get every part of me, and I can never have that reciprocated.”
“That’s not true! Sex never meant anything to me. You have every piece of me.”
“Do you the remember the first time you had sex?” This isn’t going to end well.
“Yes.”
“Her name? Where you were? The time of day? How she smelled? The way she felt as you pushed your cock inside her for the first time?”
“Why do you want to torture yourself?”
“I don’t, but you opened Pandora’s box. You think I haven’t thought about it before? I remember every single detail of the day you took my virginity.”
“So do I. You think I remember every sexual encounter I’ve had? I don’t, but I remember every single time I’ve been with you. The way your body moves, the shudder of your thighs right before you come, and the little moans of pleasure as you ride it out.”
“Maybe you will forget everyone else, but you’ll always remember your first. She’s always going to have a place in your heart, no matter how small.”
“She never had my heart, Savannah. Only you.” Her eyes fill with tears, and I hate myself for the man I once was.
“Just tell me the damn number.”
“I don’t know exactly.’
“Give me a ballpark figure!”
“No!”
“Tell me!”
“Two hundred! Are you happy now? I’m a fucking manwhore. I’ve probably slept with close to two hundred women since I lost my virginity at the age of thirteen on this fucking ranch. Goddammit!” Her face transforms from sadness to disgust cutting me like a knife to the heart.
“Oh my God! What is wrong with you? You need to go home.”
“You wanted to know, and now you’re breaking up with me?”
“No! I love you, but I can’t look at you right now. I need a night to myself. I need a shower. I feel… dirty.”
“Thanks for being so fucking understanding. Take all the time you need, but a shower isn’t going to fix the problem, believe me, I’ve tried. If I didn’t hate myself before for defiling a sweet innocent virgin, I sure as shit do now!” I walk away more dejected than ever. Savannah is the one person in my life who didn’t look at me and see my mistakes. All she’s ever seen is goodness and honor. Now, she’s so disgusted by me, the thought of me touching her makes her feel dirty.
She doesn’t come after me or shout for me to stay, instead disappearing into the house before I even reach my truck. I knew this would be a problem, but I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. She’ll never look at me the same way. She says she’s not breaking up with me, but it’s all she’s going to see when we’re together. It’s only a matter of time before she realizes and ends it. I’ve always known she’s too good for me.
* * *
There’s a knock at the door. I grab my phone to see that it’s 1:30 a.m. I scramble out of bed and pull on a pair of shorts before heading to see who the hell is at my door at this time. It’s Savannah.
“You couldn’t wait until morning to dump me?” She bustles past me in her pajamas without a word. I close the door behind her and brace myself for what’s to come. “Just say it.”
“I love you.”
“What?” I’m waiting for the ‘but.’
“I love you, and I’m sorry about what I said earlier. You’re not dirty.” She’s talking fast the way she does when she’s nervous. “I hate that you’ve been with so many women…”
“I can’t change it. I wish I could.”
“Let me finish! I hate it because you’re mine, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else. I know it shouldn’t make me jealous because all those women are your past, but goddammit, I’m so jealous I want to kill someone.”
“Savannah…”
“I’m not done. Hold your tongue and let me say this.”
“Go ahead.” Tentatively, I take a seat beside her.
“I will never regret sleeping with you or the fact that you’re the only one. If I die tomorrow, I’d die happy knowing I’ve been loved. It’s not just sex with us. You make love to me, sweet and slow. You fuck me with a passion so great, I feel like I’m going to explode, and you ride me like you own me because you do own me, Jackson. You own every part of my body, my mind, and my soul. I’m not saying I won’t get upset at your history, but it’s worth it if I get to be the one to love you forever.”
“I love you, too. I’m sorry I stormed off. I didn’t want to accept that you know everything now, and it’s changed the way you look at me. I liked the man I was in your eyes.” She rests her hands on my face pressing a tender kiss to my lips.
“I still see you that way. I realized something tonight. You’re not the man you told me about, and you never will be. Our love is strong enough to change everything about the way you see women. You’ve never once given me a reason to doubt your fidelity or devotion. We’ve gotten over bigger obstacles to be together. You and I are the real deal. I’m all in, Jax.” I let out the breath I’ve been holding since our fight, relief washing over me.
“I can’t tell you how badly I needed to hear you say that. I’ve been going out of my mind. But, why did you come in the middle of the night?”
“I can’t sleep without you. I just laid there staring at your side of the bed missing you and wishing we hadn’t fought. I had to come and tell you it doesn’t matter. All that matters is you.”
“Move in with me.” The words are out before I realize how impulsive it sounds. She’s already turned down a marriage proposal.
“Yes.”
“Just think about it. Don’t say no yet.”
“I said yes, ya big lug!”
“Yes? Really?”
“I’m here at 1:30 a.m. because I can’t get to sleep without you next to me. Of course, I’ll move in with you. Now take me to bed and remind me you’re mine and only mine.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Oh… and you have to tell Maddox.” I’m so damn ecstatic right now, I don’t give a flying fig what he has to say about it. My girl is coming to live with me, and no one can put a damper on this kind of happiness.