Jade
NEVER COULD I have imagined in the morning, the night would have ended as it did. I was pissed Reece caused trouble. I was pissed Tommy hadn’t come to me with what happened in his past. He didn't trust me enough to think I would understand or at least hear him out. To find out the way I did is what floored me. Then to hear from my family he already owned the beach house, and they kept the information from me, because I wouldn't be able to handle it, pissed me off further.
I left Daniel with Viv to get Lucky for her evening walk along the shoreline. Her excitement calmed my chattering mind. To watch her romp happily in the surf, looking back every so often to see that I was still with her, holding onto her lead— innocent, easily grateful for these moments each day.
Lucky and I reached one of the flattened slate slabs protruding from the jetty, our shadows cast on the sand from the bright glow of the moon overhead. The swoosh of the weakened waves was all that could be heard. It was late, and most residents had settled in for the night.
The walk allowed my racing thoughts to retreat— abandoning them for a moment. Yet, as I looked at Lucky, they came rushing back.
Reliving in my mind the summer with Tommy, and with Lucky—our simple, predictable routine. I would work at the shoppe, he worked on the beach house. I would run him breakfast, he would run me lunch. We’d have dinner together, alone or with friends, followed by walks like this one every evening. Nothing fancy, but it was ours…
How could I let go of him?
I ran back with Lucky to Viv’s house. At her door, I heard voices, two were familiar and one was not. Stepping inside answered my question as to who the third person was. It was unmistakable, it was Daniel’s brother…Dominick. They looked exactly alike, yet different. Daniel was light, like Tommy. Dominick was dark, like Reece. He stood stoic, perhaps a glimpse of a smile, but nothing like Daniel’s aura.
“Jade, I’m glad you're back. I want you to meet Dominick, my brother.”
“Good to meet you, Jade.” His smile toward me was warmer than expected.
“Nice to meet you,” I said; taking his hand, I paused thinking how different he and Daniel were even being identical twins.
“Jade, can you get Lucky’s things? Her bed and toys and such, together. Dominick will be taking her for Tommy.”
“Wait! You've spoken with him?”
His crooked grin told me yes before he could answer.
“He’s with my wife Rain, as we speak. He asked me if it would be okay if I picked up Lucky being I was coming to get my brother. I was happy to do it. I know how hard it is to be away from my dog for just a day, so if you can show me where her belongings are, I’ll put them in my car.”
“Sure, follow me.” With a shaky hand, I gave Daniel Lucky’s leash, leaving them with Viv, to show Dominick what he needed to take.
Needing to get this over with, I feverishly snatched up as many things as I could in one swoop, leaving them to crash at my feet. I wouldn't be defeated and tried again, only to be losing ground, having picked up one toy, to only have two more drop.The only thing to stop the repetition and give me a reprieve from my insanity was Dominick’s hand at my back.
“Enough of this, let’s talk, shall we?” He gestured his other hand to offer me a seat on the sofa.
I nodded.
“Do you love, Conte?” He was definitely nothing like Daniel. His forwardness held me back from answering him.
“I’ll take your silence as a yes.”
“Yes, I love him.”
“Then why is he confiding in Rain and you're confiding in me?”
“I’m not confiding in you. You merely asked me a question and…”
“I answered it for you. Listen, I don't know you, but my brother speaks highly of you and your family, so allow me to give you some advice. You can either take it, and think about what I’m about to say, or you can tell me to go to hell, I’ll leave you to decide.”
“Go on.”
“I’m sure Conte must have confided in you somewhat. He must have explained his dislike for me in the way in which I treated Rain when we first met.”
“He didn't elaborate. He said there had been some issues, but both of you fought hard against all odds to work it out and be together.”
“He said that, huh?”
“Yes.”
“He’s not wrong. We had to fight hard against other people, against our own idiosyncrasies, beliefs, and our pasts. At times we were our own worst enemies. Sometimes we still are, but the one constant thing we both share is our love for each other. Rain and our babies make my life whole. I could never go back to the way I was before being with Rain. She is my entire world.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Aren’t you afraid? I mean…”
“Afraid of losing her?”
“Yes”
“Always…Jade, I’m not an easy man to live with. I want things my way much of the time. Yet, I know full well if I don’t refrain from my old habits, I’ll lose her, an outcome I can’t live with. It’s never been easy for me to compromise, but with Rain, it’s almost effortless. She makes me want to be a better man, a better father…a better human being. Do you understand?”
I nodded. “Tommy doesn't have to do any of those things for me. Our relationship, once it got started, was effortless. He doesn't have to be a better man.”
“Then why aren't you with him?”
His question suffocated me. It was too close to proving me wrong, to allowing my heart to give in. I was too confused to make sense of Tommy and what happened at the party. It was too soon. I need to get away, running for the door, he stopped me. Dominick’s hand pressed the glass, preventing me from sliding it open.
“Don’t run. Tell me what happened.”
“Tommy lied about his past and why he moved here. He slept with his brother’s fiancée and he knew I was hurt by mine, much in the same way. He knew I needed to know the truth and yet, he lied.”
“True, but he didn’t cheat on you.” His statement sliced through me. “Conte and I were never friends, and I’m not condoning his actions or his past, but I’ve come to know him through my wife, and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, he’s loyal.”
“How can you when…?”
“When he did what he did?”
“Yes.”
“I don't buy into the scenario of once a cheater always a cheater…not for all people; life is far too complicated to label relationships in that way. To be fair, Michael and Raven had ended their relationship before Conte and she slept together, so although highly inappropriate, he didn't technically cheat. What he did was stupid, there’s no denying that, but I don’t care to analyze what led them to the connection they had. Being an outsider, Raven and Tommy used to go at it. They were two different people. I could never see him being in a relationship with her. Yet, they both had something within themselves, something which placed them together, right or wrong.”
“I wish he had told me from the beginning and all of this could have been avoided.”
“Do you truly believe that?”
“Of course, all he had to do was tell me the truth and this shit tonight could have been avoided.”
“So, let me ask you something, does one mistake from the past wipe away a lifetime of good for the future? I think you need to ask yourself that question before going forward.”
“You don't think I’ve already done that?”
“What have you come up with?”
“I don't know. I love him, it’s true, but I’m afraid.”
“You’re not alone. We’re all afraid of love. Something so powerful it can break you, yet something you can’t live without.”
“I just don't know what to do anymore.”
“First stop listening to others and listen to this,” Dominick advised, pointing to my heart’s center.
I nodded.
“You’ll figure it out. Here’s my card. My cell is on there. If you need to talk or need to find Conte, call me.”
“Thank you.”
“You're welcome, it’s late and I need to get back home. Let’s load up the car together.”
Dominick explained that he and his family had a home in Loveladies, here on LBI and Tommy would be staying there for the night. This put my mind at ease, knowing Tommy and Lucky would be somewhere safe and not driving around because Tommy thought he couldn't come back home.
Home.
After Daniel and Dominick left, I locked up Tommy’s house and mine and walked back to Viv’s. At this point it was early morning, I hadn't slept, and I couldn’t sleep. I tried. I crashed on Viv’s couch, but my head was spinning. I decided even though I didn't work on Sunday, there was plenty to do before the opening next week and maybe it would help me to get my mind away from everything that went on in the last twenty-four hours.
When that didn't work, I went back to Viv’s, but with all of the stress I’d caused, she was fast asleep and I didn't want to disturb her and decided it would be better to sleep in my own bed. As I walked out the door, I spotted the letter from Jimmy on the table in Viv’s foyer. My fingertips traced his lettering of my name.
Taking the letter, I left. Standing between my house and the beach house hurt. I wanted to be close to him, but I was afraid.
Afraid of what, Jade? He said he loved you.
I ran the stairs and unlocked the door of the beach house. This was where I needed to be. I had to feel him, even though he wasn't there. I needed his strength to read my brother’s letter. I needed Tommy. Wrapping the blanket he had wrapped me in the night of Viv’s dinner party, I placed myself in the corner of the couch and slowly opened the letter.
Jade,
I know if you're reading this my life on earth has ended. I also know that you’re angry, mainly with me, but with yourself for not saving me.
Baby girl, it wasn't your job to save me. I didn't want to be saved.
My life was never what I wanted. It was always about living up to something I wasn't or didn't want to be. I suppose I could have carried on with the status quo and dealt with dad and his demands day in and day out. I was a man, right, a grownup.
I was tired for a very long time. So long, in fact, I can't remember where the hate for the way I was living started, but I knew where it would end.
I wasn't me any longer. I was some corporate machine. I was an image I didn't want to project. It was consuming me, eating me up alive, bit by bit, day by day…with no end in sight. That’s why I decided to take the year to fulfill my bucket list. To do all of the things I’d wanted to do, but no longer had the time for. Except, I wasn’t dying from any disease, I was already dead on the inside.
I started this on my birthday and knew one year to the day, if I didn't feel better or get resolve from the list itself, I would end it there, with no regrets.
I never anticipated the accident at The Mavericks would wreck my plans. Then when it did, I wondered if it was a sign to me from above, telling me I was going in the wrong direction. I shouldn’t have planned on ending my life. I have more than most. I have more to accomplish. I have people who love me. I have a successful career, a beautiful family, and a sister better than any brother could ask for.
So even with the rage inside, I tried. I tried to find purpose at the Center. To take the hand I was dealt and make it better. To move forward. To move on. Jade, it wasn't working. The closer my birthday came, the more I knew exactly what had to happen. I needed to finish what I started. I needed to follow through on what I knew was right for me. No amount of counseling helped, and believe me, I tried.
Knowing that the day was coming, I had written a note, but destroyed it because I didn't want the note to be for everyone. I wanted it to be for you. I knew mom and dad loved me in their own way. I knew Viv cared about me like crazy, but I needed you to know, even though I had to go, you were the most important thing to me.
You were on my mind through all of this.
Jade, I always said that you chased away the sun so you could follow the moon. It’s funny, you didn’t understand, although you pretended like you did. What I meant back then was you never allowed yourself the right to shine. You always stood in the shadows, never basking in the limelight. While others who didn't want it, or deserve it, still took front and center…others like me, Courtney, Blaze, Damien, and even Reece.
Then, one day when you came back to LBI from Manhattan to say that you wanted to start your own business, I saw how happy you were. I hope you realized that dream and made that dream a reality.
I knew at that moment, how wrong I was. You didn't chase away the sun. You were the sunshine…the light that everyone wanted to bask in. You were that same light in the darkness…the only light in my dark world.
I said I had no regrets. I lied. I have only one…
You.
To not see your beautiful face every day. To not laugh with you or surf with you. To have left you behind…to have so much pain in me to know that my actions would have cut you so deeply. That’s the only thing I will ever regret…hurting you.
Knowing how angry you are right now as you're reading this, I need to give you some big brother advice and I want you to listen and hear me, even if what I’m about to say doesn't make a lot of sense at the moment, it will…someday.
You need to remember your last things…
You need to savor them, the way I never could. The last great cookie you baked, your last great beach day, your last great wave, your last dance, your last hug, your last smile, your last kiss, and one day if you get married…the last time you picked up your child because he or she is now walking on their own.
Your last… I love you.
You see your lasts may be just that, so savor them. I couldn't remember any of those times. I was too consumed with being swallowed up in a life I despised.
Hold on to those memories. Keep them close to you and never take them for granted. They are all that truly matters.
You, my baby sister, are not like me. You are the sunshine, you are the moonlight. You are ‘my last’…I’ll always remember you.
I love you forever…until we meet again,
Jimmy
The slow-motion thumps of my heart were the only sounds my ears to could hear. Drowning out the world around me, my brother didn't take his life because of his accident, he was preparing to die before The Mavericks. He was simply preparing to die…period.
I read it and re-read it…again, again, and then some more. My body ached as if Jimmy died today, in this moment. For me, he did. He did because all of this time I’d been searching for why. Why did this have to happen? What could I have done? Did I miss something that could have saved him?
Maybe I needed to be resolved to the fact “why” will never be truly answered. Only Jimmy held the truth in his heart. It didn’t matter how many times I rehashed it. I’d been doing that for three fucking years. Second guessing, wondering, questioning, feeling guilty, blaming myself, hurting for him, missing him, being angry at him, but never knowing the truth until today.
It still hurt. This letter didn’t make it go away, and it didn’t make it better. It did as Jimmy said, bring me clarity. Clarity on my ‘lasts’…
He pressed his lips to my temple.
He said he couldn’t compete with a memory.
He said he didn't want to be my fucking friend.
He said…I love you.
I remembered all of my ‘lasts’ with him so clearly, but especially how Tommy made me feel the last time I was with him before the party last night. We had taken Lucky to the bay, to get her to feel comfortable on the paddle board so she could be a part of the water with Tommy and me.
At first, she was frightened, scrambling to get off the board, but then, little by little she stayed, and soon she was on the board with Tommy like a pro. Eventually, she climbed onto my board, and I paddled out with her, then on our way back in, a cowboy on a jet ski created an unwelcome wake, sending Lucky and me off the board. She immediately swam to shore, but before I had the chance to follow her lead, Tommy was there holding me, taking me in.
When it first happened, I thought it odd. It wasn’t like we were far from the shoreline. The bay wasn't all that deep in the area we were paddling, but to Tommy, none of those things mattered. Only I mattered…I mattered to him.
I couldn’t do this…I wouldn’t let the way we were now…be our ‘lasts.’ I needed to go to him and we needed to work this out. If ‘I love you’ needed to be said a million times and then a million more to fix this, then that’s what I was willing to do.
I pulled out the card that Dominick gave me and I phoned him. It went to voicemail. Not leaving a message, I decided to phone Daniel. He was going with Dominick to his shore home where Tommy was staying, so he could give me the address.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Daniel, it’s Jade.”
“Hi, Jade, how are you?”
“I need your help.”
“Sure. What do you need?”
“I need you to tell me where you are, the address. I need to see Tommy, and Dominick said he was there with his wife last night.”
“I’d be happy to help, but Tommy left with Lucky about ten minutes ago.”
“Did he say where he was going?”
“No, in fact, I was still asleep when he left. Rain said she thought he was going to head back to the city. His place didn't sell yet and there was some furniture there he could sleep on, which he hadn't taken in the move.”
“I know you're loyal to him, but would you give me his address in New York ? I could get it from Blaze, but then I’d have to deal with Reece and I don't have time for that.”
“Sure, anything to help get the two of you back together.” Daniel gave me Tommy’s address in New York. I needed to catch up with him there and let him know how I was feeling.
I told Aunt Viv, and she wholeheartedly agreed with my decision to find Tommy and bring him back home. She inquired about the letter from Jimmy, but I told her I hadn’t read it yet and that I wanted Tommy with me when I did. The words came out of my mouth and guilt hit my heart, but Viv was dealing with heart issues. No matter how small, I couldn’t tell her about Jimmy’s true death. I lied, and if it meant protecting Viv as she had done for me much of my life, then so be it. She didn’t need to be devastated, again. She needed to remember her nephew in her own way.
When I hit the city, I found Tommy’s brownstone but surveying the street, I didn't see Tommy’s car. I rang the bell…no answer. He was probably watching me from one of the windows and decided to ignore me. He had to know it was me when he looked out if he was home. I drove a vintage 181, not many people have them anymore.
I tried the bell, again, to no avail and then I hit the knocker. The door opened.
Perhaps Daniel was wrong and the house was vacated.
I stepped inside to see. The foyer was a dark wash of grey, with ornate black molding starting at the large planked, light grey wood floor, rising to the ceiling. In the center was a round jet black, French provincial table. The vase it held displayed an arrangement of autumn’s brilliant color palette of roses and dark cut greens. Beyond the table toward the back of the room were two doors and a massive staircase leading to the upper floors.
To the left of the foyer was a rounded doorway revealing a long living room with a fireplace. The floors, the walls, and the molding matched the entrance. Yet, glints of the morning sun filtered through the floor to ceiling windows in the room from the front of the house. A substantial, black chenille sectional, like the one at the beach house, took up much of the floor space in the room. The centerpiece, the talking point, though, was the wall over the sectional. It held a massive mural displaying a lone surfer riding the perfect wave on a perfect day…the curl of the water, the shards of sunlight hitting all the right spots.
Tommy.
I surmised from the lack of noise, the door was left unlocked.
Why should I be surprised? I was delusional to think I would find him here. That it would be so easy.
I wandered around the room of the old brownstone that Tommy called home, looking one last time at the walls, the ceiling, the floor…searching for an answer to whisper back at me.
One that never came…until his fingertips pinched my elbow.
My heart jumped, but when I spun around to face him, the beats stopped. It wasn't Tommy, but someone who resembled him.
“Not so fast…it’s not every day a beautiful woman walks into my house unannounced and then silently proceeds to walk out without so much as an introduction or a hello, at the very least.”
“Hello,” was all I could muster, as disappointment flooded my insides, drowning my very existence. I wanted to go.
“And you are?” A friendly smile formed his expression, but his question to know me was dead serious.
“I’m Jade Stanton. I’m looking for Tommy.”
“I see. I’m Michael Conte, Tommy’s brother. So…Jade Stanton, are you here because my brother broke your heart?”
“No…I’m here because I broke his.”
An almost pleased, yet humorous smile developed on Michael’s face. It said everything, then something, then nothing at all. I didn't have time for games, I needed to find Tommy.
“Do you know where I can find him?” I pressed with a small amount of annoyance coming through.
“Tommy was here, but he left. He only stopped by to sign over the papers on this place. He had a hard time renting it and being I was staying here, and heard through the grapevine—our parents—he was selling it, I stepped in to purchased it myself.”
“Why didn't you know it was up for sale? I mean you are his brother.”
“Now, Miss Stanton, if you were so intimate with my brother then you already know why.”
“I guess you're right. I’m sorry I took up any of your time. Should you see Tommy, can you have him call me, please?” I didn't wait for an answer as I turned and walked to the door.
Michael followed. “Ah…unfinished business, Miss Stanton?” He asked.
“Much more than that…please?”
“Please don’t leave. Let’s talk.” Touching my elbow once more, his voice somber, Michael guided me back through the living room and then to the kitchen, where he poured each of us a cup of coffee.
“You obviously know about the discord between my brother and me, which leaves me at a disadvantage.”
“A disadvantage?”
“Yes, how did you break my brother’s heart?”
“Tommy moved to LBI and bought a beach house that my family owned. It had fallen into disrepair after my brother past away three years ago.”
“I’m sorry.” His sincerity was real, not for the sake of good manners.
“Thank you. Anyway, I wasn't looking for a relationship. Actually, the opposite was true, but then…”
“You cared for my brother.”
“No, I fell in love with him, almost immediately.”
“Then how did you break his heart?”
“I found out about…” Embarrassed to admit my full knowledge of his personal feud with Tommy, I stopped.
“So, you do know everything?”
“Yes, and the one thing I asked of Tommy, from the beginning, was to always tell me the truth. Although he said you and he weren't on speaking terms, I found out why, later.”
“Later, as in after you two had gotten more involved?”
“Yes.”
“I understand.” He shook his head and sighed.
“To make a long story short, the last time we were together was a shit show and none of it was Tommy’s fault.”
“So you want to apologize to him?”
“Yes and no, I want…” I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to explain this to Michael without having to go into great detail about Jimmy’s letter and everything else that went on this summer.
“Michael, I’m sorry. I can’t get into this. I just need to find him. Please…”
“I’m not my brother’s keeper, and as you are fully aware we aren't as close as we were before. We are working on it, but I’m not sure where he was going from here. If I had my guess, I’d say he would be heading back down the shore to the beach house.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, for one thing, he had his dog with him and for another, he didn't ask to crash here. My brother has a good head on his shoulders, for the most part, I’m sure he’s not going to sleep with his dog in the car just to prove a point. He’s stubborn yes, but pig-headed, no.” He smiled.
Relief for the first time since watching Tommy walk away flooded my body. I thanked Michael for the coffee and hurried to leave, as a renewed sense of excitement flooded my body.
Walking to the door, I turned back to Michael.
“Thank you, I know you don't know me at all and my advice I’m sure will be somewhat strange, but please, if there is any way you and Tommy could work things out sooner rather than later, please, I hope you will do so.”
“I know what you're trying to tell me, Jade.”
“I’m trying to tell you— I can no longer fight with my brother or make up with him, even if I wanted to. You both have that ability. Do it now. Don't wait for tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Jade Stanton, perhaps we were meant to meet.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I hope my brother realizes what a very lucky guy he is.”
I smiled, kissed Michael’s cheek, and left…not waiting for tomorrow to fix this. I was determined to find Tommy now.
I headed home, sickened to not see Tommy’s car parked in his usual space. I went up to fill Viv in. Disappointment showed on her face, but she tried to be practical and say that he needed time and he’d be back.
I went home…I sat, I paced back and forth, on the deck, off the deck. Numerous times leaning over the railing, thinking I heard him. Yet, I never did. My hurt grew, nothing helped…tea, soothing music, a warm bath…nothing. My thoughts immediately returned to Tommy.
I wanted him, I needed to be close to him. I wanted his strong body over mine. I did the only thing I could to get close to him without him being there, I went to the beach house. I did more than that. I placed myself in my favorite corner of his sectional…the place where Tommy washed my nightmares away. I wrapped the blanket around me, after I wrapped myself in one of his shirts…his scent lingering behind, giving me comfort. Comfort to drift off into my dreams.