I can’t wipe the smile off my face as I watch Zak unfasten Kadyn’s seat belt and gently lift her out of her car seat. He’s so careful with her, I can tell how conscious he is of their immense size difference. Kadyn’s whole head fits inside Zak’s palm, making her look even tinier than she already is.

Handing her to me, he turns back to the truck to retrieve all Kadyn’s things. And there is a lot, Kallie went overboard. But in her defence, she knows as much about all this stuff as I do, which is nothing at all. I would have Googled it too.

Laden down with bags, Zak trudges past me to his front door. He skilfully balances his load as he unlocks and shoves the door open, dropping most of Kadyn’s things on the floor in the entryway.

“The base is too high—”

“No it’s not, that’s where it’s supposed to be—”

“I have never seen a crib with the mattress sitting that high—”

“I’ve never seen a crib. Who’ve you been hookin’ up with?”

Four male voices sound from down the hall where Kadyn’s bedroom will be. Looking up at Zak, I frown. “What’s going on down there?”

He shrugs, placing the nappy bag on the floor by the couch as he passes through the lounge room and strides down the hall to check on the commotion. I follow behind him, curious to know what’s happening. When Zak comes to a halt inside the doorway and bursts out laughing, I peek around his wide frame to see for myself.

Michael, Alec, and Abe are sitting on the floor arguing about crib construction, while Will glares down at them from his wheelchair, holding a set of instructions. “I told you fuckers that’s where it sits when the baby is little. You’re supposed to move it down when they get older and can stand up and shit.”

I snicker at the sight of four grown ass men arguing about how to build a crib correctly. It’s hilarious, until the weight of their glares settles heavily over on me. My laughter snags in my throat. “What?” I sputter, “You lot would laugh too if you could see yourselves.” I poke out my tongue and take off down the hall before they can say anything back to me.

Kadyn will be ready for a bottle again soon, we timed leaving the hospital just right so she would sleep on the drive home and she did. Zak drove so damn slow, I wanted to pull my hair out, but I restrained myself and kept my mouth shut. He was nervous about leaving the hospital, he’d questioned the doctor twice before he accepted Kadyn was more than ready to make the trip.

“Zak,” I call from the kitchen while I potter around getting the things I need to make Kadyn’s bottle. He appears a minute later, a wide smile parting his gorgeous lips. That mouth…oh, how I love that mouth. I have to physically shake my head to snap myself out of the beginnings of a rather raunchy fantasy then ask, “Can you set up that swing thing Kallie bought? One of the nurses warned me if we hold Kadyn all the time that’s all she’ll want, and it’ll be a hard habit to break.”

His smile vanishes, “What’s wrong with her wanting to be held? We’re here, she’s here, so we can hold her.”

I gnaw on my bottom lip. “I know, but what about when you go back to work? Or I go back to work?” I’m frowning now, we haven’t discussed any of this, and now that I’m thinking about it, it’s making my head hurt. Sleep deprivation mixed with serious decision making do not mix.

Zak moves in so close I can feel his breath on my cheek as he murmurs, “We’ll figure it out. But as things stand right now, I have no plans to go back to work anytime soon. I’m going to be with her as much as possible. If or when you decide to go back to work, we’ll deal with it.” Then his lips feather over mine in a barely there kiss leaving me wanting more.

Pushing up on my toes, I try to capture his lips again but he draws up and out of my reach. Sometimes I really hate being so short. I pout up at him. “You haven’t kissed me for days,” I lay on the dramatics, “Just one? Please?”

He smiles, then bops the tip of my nose with his fingertip, “Later,” he says, “I won’t be stopping at one kiss,” he growls in my ear then straightens again, winks and walks away.

A dreamy sigh slips past my lips and I melt. That man.

Later didn’t come.

The little routine Kadyn had going at the hospital flew out the window the minute we got her back to Zak’s. Sleep you say? Pfft, sleep is for the weak according to Kadyn who in three days, hasn’t stopped fussing for more than twenty minutes at a time.

I’ve come to learn that sleep deprivation is a real thing. Zak and I tried taking turns, sitting up with her through the night. But when she wails, nobody can sleep through that. At this point sleep feels like a lost cause.

My phone buzzes on the kitchen counter top and I glare down at it, imagining it shattering into a million pieces. If my mother sends me another gushing congratulatory text I’m going to scream. She keeps telling me what a gift I’ve been given. How amazing motherhood is. That I should cherish every second. Don’t get me wrong, I want to, I really do. And deep down I am so incredibly grateful to have this role in Kadyn’s life.

But right now, this very second, I would kill a baby lamb if God would make Kadyn sleep peacefully for two hours. Just two hours…I’m not asking too much. Just one two-hour block a day. Honestly, I think I’m being rather reasonable for a woman who hasn’t had more than forty-five minutes of broken sleep in the last seventy-two hours.

Wrapping my hand around my phone I glance down at the text.

~Kallie: I’m on my way over, I’ve got coffee and doughnuts.~

Well thank God for small mercies. I found out while at the hospital that breastfeeding mothers shouldn’t drink coffee. I would die. How are they supposed to endure this without caffeine directly injected into their veins? How?

Zak is laying on the couch, a temporarily passed-out Kadyn on his chest. “Kallie’s bringing coffee,” I tell him, coming to sit by his outstretched feet.

“Thank God,” he mutters, “I’m so tired, but it’s more than that…I think I’m beyond tired. I couldn’t fall asleep if you paid me. Or maybe I could. I’m not sure.”

I nod in complete agreement. “Preaching to the choir,” I tell him, resting my head against the back of the couch. Exhaustion is a funny thing, one minute I feel so alive I could bounce off the walls, the next I feel so heavy I don’t even want to try moving for fear I’m paralysed. “This parenting gig is tough,” I murmur, closing my eyes for a moment, just one little peaceful moment…

A sharp cry pierces the air and my eyes spring open, honing in on Kadyn still laying against Zak’s chest. “Hey, baby,” I whisper, moving over to rub her back. It would seem Zak slept through that. He must be even more tired than me, that or he’s dead. Can you die from lack of sleep?

Kadyn snuffles and fusses, her little legs kicking so furiously one of her socks has come off. I replace the sock then pick her up. “There you go, no more cold toes,” I croon as I pace the lounge room, stroking her back as I go. Checking the clock, I realise it’s already time for a feed. I must have dozed off for a few minutes.

I don’t want to wake Zak now that he’s finally getting some much needed rest, so I take the extra few minutes to prepare the bottle one handed.

I’m feeding Kadyn in the white rocking chair Kallie bought when she arrives, letting herself in with the key’s Zak gave her so she can come and go as she pleases. “Hello,” she whisper calls into the house from the entryway.

“Lounge room,” I call back. I figure if Zak slept through Kadyn’s squeal, he’ll sleep through a regular volume conversation.

Kallie enters the room holding a cardboard cup tray full of coffees and a large doughnut box. “Abe will be dropping by soon,” she tells me, setting the tray and box on the coffee table. “Oh, don’t you look awful,” she says, cringing at the site of me.

“Thanks, you look fabulous as always,” I mock. She takes a seat in an armchair and crosses her legs, still watching me closely.

An idea pops into my head and I know I have to act fast. Quickly I stand, “Here,” I say, placing Kadyn in Kallie’s lap. “You’ll need to burp her in another minute, then she can finish off what’s left. When she’s finished, you’ll need to burp her again,” I tell a stunned Kallie, “I’m going for a shower, I don’t remember the last time I had one.”

Her eyes widen even further, it’s almost comical, but I’m too tired to laugh. “You can’t leave her with me. I’ll break her,” she calls after my retreating form.

I call back over my shoulder, “No, you won’t. I hear babies bounce.”

“That’s not funny!” I hear faintly as I close the bathroom door and strip out of my manky clothes.

Ten minutes later, I exit the bathroom feeling like a human again. Wrapping a towel around my wet hair I go to check on Kallie and Kadyn. My jaw unhinges when I see Kadyn sleeping peacefully in Kallie’s arms. “What did you do to her?”

Kallie immediately tenses. “What? Did I do it wrong?”

I frown, coming in to get a better look. Kadyn’s wrapped tightly in a soft pink blanket. She’s not wriggling, kicking, or fussing. “What is this sorcery?”

My friends’ eyes glaze over with tears. “What’d I do? I thought she would like it. She was upset and I saw this blanket when I was shopping this morning. I thought it was pretty, what’s wrong with it?”

Rolling my eyes, I point at Kadyn’s tiny sleeping face. “She’s asleep. How did you do that? We’ve been flat out getting her to doze for more than twenty minutes at a time since we got her home.”

Kallie’s eyes sparkle and her lips part in a smile. “You mean, I got her to sleep when you can’t?”

I glare at her. “Just tell me what voodoo magic you used so I can do it again later.”

“Easy,” Kallie says, “She was wriggling so much I couldn’t hold her still or get her to settle so I wrapped her up all tight like they did at the hospital,” she shrugs like, duh.

Tipping my head back, I slap my forehead and mutter curses at the ceiling. How could I have forgotten about the blankets? Idiot. “Thank you,” I say softly, “I forgot we kept her wrapped up at the hospital. It completely slipped my mind with everything else going on when we got her home, you know? It’s a lot to take in.” I smile faintly, grateful for everything Kallie has done for us, for Kadyn, but also so tired I could fall asleep standing right here.

Kallie gets to her feet, balancing Kadyn in one arm and wrapping the other around my shoulders. “I know, sweetie. You’re doing amazing, especially considering you had no time to even get used to the idea of being a mother. You took on all this at a moment’s notice and I’m so proud of you, babe.” She squeezes my shoulder and kisses my cheek. “Go get some sleep, I’ll be okay with her…while she’s sleeping, at least. I’ll wake you if I need anything.”