Sexual frustration and I have become well acquainted in recent months. From the second I laid eyes on Zak, I wanted to jump his bones. I had to shove my urges aside to tend to Kallie, but damn, under any other circumstances I would have thrown caution to the wind and had my wicked way with him.

Now, here we are six months later and we still haven’t done the deed. It’s my fault, I’m the one who chickened out and told him sex couldn’t happen until I was good and ready. The problem now is, I care about him. Like, really care about him.

I’m falling in love with Zak and it terrifies me.

Every single relationship I’ve ever entered into has been a bust. I throw myself in headfirst and ask questions later. It was my M.O. But things were so hectic when Zak and I met, there was no time to think about sex with Kallie’s life on the line. Then when the opportunity manifested, I freaked out.

What if sex was the reason behind the demise of all my previous relationships? What if that’s the reason guys never stick around after the first two or three-months? I gave it up too quickly, they got the goods, had a little fun, then ran when things started getting serious.

Zak hasn’t shown any signs of running. Not yet. He says he’s happy to wait, that he doesn’t care about sex as long as we can still fool around. Which we do. A lot. And after the other day…the dry humping in his truck…good lord do I want to yank his pants off and climb on top of him.

But I can’t. My mouth dries at the thought alone, I’m worried it will change things between us. We’re so good together like this, and I don’t want to lose him.

Kallie’s voice pulls me back to the present. “Hello in there, Ellie,” she calls, waving her hand in front of my face.

I slap it away and glare at her. “Jeez, woman, I’m here. What’s your problem?”

She leans back into my overstuffed couch cushions, crossing her arms under her big boobs. “My problem? I’d say you’re the one with the problem. You were just staring off into la-la land and I’m trying to tell you about Abe proposing to me.” She raises her left hand between us and wriggles her fingers in my face again.

My jaw drops and I launch forward snatching her hand up to examine the gorgeous pink rock glinting in the ray of sunshine coming through my sitting room window. “Holy shit, Kal. When did this happen?”

Kallie beams. “Last night, after one of the best, most earth-shattering orgasms of my life,” she sighs wistfully as she stares at the ring.

Jealousy gnaws at me from low in my belly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic for my friend. It’s the orgasm that has me internally sulking. Abe and Kalista were made for each other. He dotes on her without being suffocating or over the top—unless it comes to her safety, then he goes a little cray-cray. But it’s kinda sweet.

“It’s gorgeous, I’m crazy happy for you,” I gush, and wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a boob squishing hug.

My throat feels thick, guilt stabs me in the chest as I hold her, my best friend. The fact I’m anything less than one hundred and ten percent happy for her is so wrong. She deserves this. I swallow hard, trying to regain my composure, but it’s too late, she’s noticed.

She wraps her hands around my shoulders and pushes me back to examine my face. I’m sure she sees the unshed tears that are making my vision blur.

With narrowed eyes she urges, “Ellie, what’s going on?”

Instead of being pissed with me for raining on her parade, she’s concerned. And the knife twists inside me, a single tear escaping. “I’m jealous,” I confess, my face crumpling as the words leave my lips.

Her brows furrow. “Of what? I thought things were going great with you and Zak? Abe said he’s never seen Zak this way with anyone before.”

My heart thumps a little harder. Zak’s told me as much himself, but for Abe to have noticed makes it that much more real. Licking my lips, I glance down to my purple coloured toe nails as I prepare to tell her my truth and my fears. “I’m jealous…” my head hangs lower, “I’m jealous of the ‘amazing orgasm’ part.”

Kallie bursts out laughing. Deep belly laughter that has her shaking with it.

I glance at her from the corner of my eye and she’s bent in half, her arms wrapped around her body as she struggles to breathe. My brows dip as I frown at her. “What’s so funny? I just told you I’m jealous of you. You should be telling me off, or slapping me or hell—anything except laughing.”

It takes another minute for her to calm down enough to speak. Quirking a brow, she says, “Seriously? Why would you be jealous? You’ve got Zak, I thought things were good in that department?”

Licking my lips, I shuffle back into the couch until the fluffy cushions partially envelop me. “We haven’t had sex yet, and I’m freaking out that if I have sex with him, he’ll dump my ass. I mean, that’s what’s happened with every guy I’ve ever been with.”

I sniffle and chance a glance at Kallie again, she’s tugging on her ear lobe, a sure sign she’s nervous. I narrow my eyes. “Just say it. I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”

Smiling at me softly, she cups her hands together then rests them in her in her lap, fidgeting with her shiny new engagement ring. Clearing her throat, she licks her lips then speaks, “This is just my opinion, so it means nothing, okay?” She makes eye contact with me, waiting until I nod then continues, “Those guys were assholes. You have the worst taste in men I’ve ever seen Ellie. Every one of them was nothing more than a smooth talker, and honey, you were a sucker. But Zak, he’s not like them. I think you already know that.”

Sighing deeply, I nod. “I know. He’s the kindest, sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I mean, his cat only has three legs and half a tail for goodness sake. The man is a saint.”

Kallie’s lips turn up in the corners, “He really is. Plus, he puts up with your stubborn ass.” She bursts out laughing again, but comes to an abrupt stop, “Wait, has he not given you an orgasm yet? I knew you’d said no sex but there are other ways of achieving an orgasm you know. Hell, most women can’t even have one from penetration,” her eyes are wide and full of concern…maybe even horror.

I smirk, “Don’t go getting yourself worked up, he has delivered the big O, and they’ve been great. But there’s something different about an orgasm during sex or foreplay, and an orgasm that leads to a dead end, you know?”

“Ah, I see. So, you two mess around but once he gets you there, it’s time for him to have a cold shower instead of continuing the fun,” she says with a grimace.

I know she feels my pain from that one look. “Yeah,” I shrug, "It’s not like I don’t want to help him out in that department. I do. Like a lot. But he says if I touch his dick it’ll be on like Donkey Kong and I swear I’m not complaining, I just…I’m scared, Kallie. What if I say let’s do it, and he turns around right after and says thanks for the good time, catch ya later?”

My friend’s face scrunches up in disgust. “He wouldn’t do that. Only a manipulative, self-centred asshole would do something like that. For instance, all the men from your previous relationships, if you can even call them men,” she covers her insult in a sugar sweet voice.

I roll my eyes, exasperated with her banging on about my history. “Okay, I get it. I have shitty taste in men. But you get what I’m saying, don’t you?”

Taking my hand in hers, she shimmies closer to me, laying her head on the pale blue cushion beside mine. “I get that you’re scared,” she brushes the hair from my eyes away with care, “Based on your track record, that’s pretty much what you would expect him to do. But Zak isn’t like those buttmunches. He’s a good guy, El, with a beautiful heart, just waiting for you to let him in.”

I swallow hard, past the lump of emotion clogging my throat. “I know. That’s the problem. I think…” I pause as tingles shoot through my limbs, “I love him, Kallie.” I breathe hard, my lips parting at the revelation. I knew I was falling, I have been since we met, but, damn. “I love him. And if he leaves me, it won’t be pretty. I won’t be able to just pick myself back up again this time.”

Smiling softly, she strokes my cheek. “He won’t hurt you, honey. The fact that he’s been patiently waiting this long and hasn’t pressured you to give him more than you’re ready for, proves that.”

“You sure?” I whisper.

“Positive.”

“Will you be there to put me back together if anything goes wrong?” I ask.

Kalista pulls me into her arms, hugging me tight. “You know I will.”

Kalista left an hour ago and I’ve been staring at the screen of my phone for almost as long. Gnawing on the corner of my bottom lip, I try to think of how to smoothly approach the topic with Zak. I don’t want to sound like a sex starved maniac, but that’s how I’m feeling at the minute.

I want to have sex with him. Really, really badly. After the dry humping the other day it’s all I can think about. How much better would it have been without our clothes on? Salacious images run through my mind of all the ways Zak and I would fit together so perfectly. My heart beats faster and my breathing deepens.

My fingers fly across the screen as I shoot him a text.

~Elllie: Pick me up after work tonight. I have something for you.~

I don’t wait for his reply. He’s with a client today, normally Saturday’s are ours, but some country singer is in town for promotional meetings, and Zak’s on her detail.

Grinning to myself, I get off the couch and make my way to the bathroom so I can shower and start getting ready. Tonight’s the night. I can do this, I want to do this.

I just hope it doesn’t change everything.