I can’t stop looking at her.

Her precious little face scrunches up as she sleeps. She squirms some, then her little tummy tenses and a horrendous smell fills the air. Her body relaxes again and my jaw drops, how did such a tiny little thing create that smell?

Now I’m the one scrunching up my face, “That’s nasty,” I tell a peacefully sleeping Kadyn.

The smell lingers in the air. Does that mean she just crapped her pants? Oh god, I’ve never changed a baby’s nappy before. I look around the room. No change table…hmm I could do it on the bed. Standing slowly so as not to disrupt her, I go over to the single bed in the middle of the adjacent wall.

Placing her in the middle of the mattress makes her look even smaller, all wrapped in her blankets like a little cocoon. There has to be a fresh nappy in here somewhere. I search the room with my eyes, spotting a pile of them on top of the bedside table. I snatch one up and open it. How is this thing supposed to work? I look at the nappy, then down to Kadyn, and back to the nappy.

I guess I’ll figure it out as I go. Zak said not to leave the room so that rules out going for help. “We got this,” I tell Kadyn, who sleeps soundly. “I don’t know how you’re sleeping with a load in your pants.” I keep talking to her even though I know she’s not listening and I’m not sure why.

Careful not to wake her, I unwrap the blanket wrapped tightly around her only to find another one beneath it. I keep note of exactly what I’m doing so I can repeat it when I wrap her back up again. “Oh my god,” I whisper, “You’re even smaller than I thought.” I stare down at her skinny little legs.

Curling my hand around her leg, I slide my fingers down to her teensy foot, holding it in my palm. Tears prickle my eyes as I count her itty-bitty toes, smoothing my fingertip over each as I go. Her foot is the same length as my pinkie finger, I stare at the size comparison shaking my head in disbelief. Incredible.

With my free hand, I slide my phone out of my back pocket. Turning on the camera, I take a dozen pictures of Kadyn’s foot next to my pinkie. I can’t get over how small everything is. Placing my phone down on the bed beside her, I explore her some more. Her tiny arms, her toothpick fingers…Picking up her right hand, I lay it inside my own, and it doesn’t even fill my palm. I snap a bunch more pictures.

Gently placing her hand back down, I run my nails gingerly over her raven curls, and they’re soft like silk. She is beyond beautiful. I feel so much for this miniature human I can’t hold back my tears any longer, they roll freely over my cheeks as I unbutton her little suit.

Unfastening one tab, then the other, I open her nappy and gasp. “It’s black?” I tell Kadyn, talking to her again. “Is that normal? Black poo?” I make a mental note to ask the nurse when she comes back in, and I reach for the wipes I grabbed when I got the fresh nappy. Lifting one leg into the air at a time I wipe her clean. This stuff is like grease. I use a dozen wipes, making sure I get every last bit of the sticky black poop.

Taking both her ankles in one hand, I lift her itty-bitty booty into the air a little to pull the used nappy away and slide the new one in. Warm liquid sprays from her tiny vagina and I squeal, flattening the new nappy over the top, trying to absorb it.

My hand is wet—gross! I frown down at her. “You did that on purpose,” I accuse, and notice she’s stirring. My outburst must have woken her up. “Sorry, baby,” I coo, stroking her eyebrows like I saw someone do to a baby kitten on YouTube to put it to sleep. To my utter shock it works, Kadyn’s blinking eyes close for longer with each blink until they stay closed.

I fist pump the air at my victory. Zak’s right, I can totally do this. Peeking inside the new nappy I check the pee situation. She seems to have finished her business. Snatching another fresh nappy from the pile I quickly replace the wet one, fastening it with ninja speed so she doesn’t get the chance to pee on me again.

Retracing my steps with the buttons on her suit, and then with the swaddles, I rewrap the blankets in the exact same way I had undone them before. Lifting her back into my arms I feel like I can actually be useful after all. I just changed a nappy for the first time in my life without any help. Picking my phone back up, I take a couple more pictures, this time of her stunning face.

My stomach flutters as I watch her. I love her already.

Standing under the window, I sway my upper body, lightly rocking her as I stare down at her some more. Does this mean I’m going to be her mumma? The thought hits me like a sledgehammer, knocking the breath from my lungs. Do I want to be her mumma?

The way my heart beats harder while I watch her sleep, answers the question for me. “Can I be your mumma, Kadyn?” I ask her. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m a fast learner,” I promise, “I’ll work so hard to be everything you deserve. I love you already, little miss.”

A sound startles me and I spin to face it. “Zak,” I say relieved, “You frightened me.”

He’s staring at me, unblinking. He moves towards me without a word. Taking my face in his hands, he bends down pressing a loving kiss to my lips. “Yes,” he whispers against my mouth, “Please, Red, be her mother.”

I blink up at him, tears burning my eyes once again. “Really?”

Nodding, he presses a kiss to each of my cheeks, tasting my salty tears. “Yes, we need you, Red. I need you,” he tells me. “Move in with us?”

“Okay,” I breathe. I didn’t even need to think about it. I know what I want with more certainty than I’ve ever felt in my life. I want us to be a family. “I love you,” I murmur into his parted lips.

His big arms circle me, bringing me into the warmth of his body, careful not to squash Kadyn. “Thank you, Red.” His nose nuzzles my hair, “I love you, Red, so fucking much it hurts. And I am so goddamn scared, but I can’t live like that anymore. Everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me, my parents, my grandmother, Lu. Everyone except you. She needs you in her life to teach her how to love, I can’t let Kadyn be afraid of it like I was. ”

If he wasn’t supporting my body I would have dropped to the floor with his admission. Sniffling, I press my forehead into his chest, loving this moment more than any other before it. Enveloped in the warmth of his body, Kadyn sleeping in my arms between us, nothing has ever felt this right.

Zak holds us like that for a long time, a bubble of contentment surrounding us.

I’m amazed that something so beautiful and pure has come out of such a devastating day. Kadyn squirms in my arms, and Zak pulls back to look down at her. “Here,” he says, “I’ll take her.”

I nod and manoeuvre her into his waiting arms.

“I think she’s hungry again,” he says, glancing at the clock on the wall. It’s been three hours since her last feed.

“I’ll go find the nurse.” I’m so happy. It feels wrong to be this happy at a time like this. The man I love has just lost someone so important to him, his baby will never know her mother or feel the warmth of her embrace. But I can’t help how I feel, my heart is so full. My lips tug up in a full smile as I watch Zak sit down with a squirming Kadyn in his arms, sliding my phone out of my back pocket, I snap a picture of them, then go to find the nurse.

Pushing the door to Kadyn’s room open, my footsteps falter at the site of a stranger holding her. My eyes travel up and down the guy wearing jeans that hang around his butt—even though he’s wearing a belt—and a white tank. My eyes narrow. “Who are you?” My question comes across just as abrasive as I intend it to. Why is a stranger holding my baby?

My eye lock on Kadyn. She’s awake, looking up at the guy holding her, and he looks back just as intently. My question bounces right off him, he doesn’t even lift his head when he responds, “I’m her daddy.”

I balk. “Excuse me,” I sputter, but Zak steps in front of me, giving me a look that tells me to let it go. Then it clicks. He’s Lulu’s boyfriend. Abe and Zak said he’s a gangbanger. “Why are you letting him hold her?” I whisper harshly to Zak.

He shakes his head. “Not now, Red,” he whispers back. Frustration radiates from his tense body, at least I know he doesn’t like this as much as I don’t.

Am I overreacting? I don’t feel like I am. A gangbanger is holding the baby I’ve just fallen in love with and claimed as my own.

Kadyn squeals and I remember the warm bottle still clutched tightly in my hand. I move around Zak, approaching…Paco? I think that’s what Zak said his name is. “Can I take her please? She’s hungry,” I say, holding up her bottle.

He snatches it from me, “I’ll do it.”

I watch him carefully shift her into a cradling position, then place the bottle in her searching mouth. He’s done this before, I realise, when he takes it from her a few minutes later and lifts her over his shoulder, patting her back.

“You have kids?” I ask, trying to learn more about him.

He stiffens. “I had a son,” he murmurs as his eyes mist over.

My heart misses a beat. “Had?” I ask as I sit across from him, and watch as he goes back to feeding Kadyn again. His attention never leaving her.

“He died when he was a baby. SIDS,” he tells me in a husky mumble.

I want to cry. That’s awful. I can’t even—When I refocus on Kadyn and realise something like that could happen to her, my throat tightens painfully. It aches as I attempt to hold myself in check. I took an instant dislike to Paco, based on his appearance and employment, but knowing that tiny bit of information about him makes me look at him differently.

He’s a man who lost one child and is about to lose another. I can’t help but feel empathy for him. “I’ll leave you with her for a minute,” I tell him, and return to Zak on the other side of the room, leaning against the wall. Sliding my hand inside his, I push up on my tippy-toes. “Sorry I questioned you when I came in. You’re doing a good thing, letting him have some time with her,” I say so only he can hear me.

His response is a quick squeeze of my hand in his as he continues to watch Paco interact with Kadyn.

My heart breaks for Paco. This entire situation is so wrong. I know I shouldn’t bare ill thoughts of the dead, but Lulu has left Zak and Paco in a total cluster fuck. All this added pain and distress wouldn’t even be an issue if she came clean to them about the pregnancy. Now these two imposing men are facing not only the loss of a woman they loved, but they have to navigate a circumstance she created, and neither of them were prepared for it.