The party was still going strong. We’d spent the entire time on the floor in the corner talking. Laughing. Simply enjoying being with each other. Amber had a quick mind and a little cruel streak when it came to some of the other girls.
It was nice knowing there was a little bit of feistiness in her. Gave her depth.
I smiled to myself. This was working out pretty great. I didn’t have to fight off a dozen different girls. I didn’t have to piss people off. I could just relax.
Plus, it gave me time to clear my head. The ringing in my ears had gone away, and that pounding feeling at the back of my neck was a lot smaller. To top it off, my leg was feeling semi-normal again.
The soft curve of Amanda’s waist, where my hand rested, felt warm and inviting. Yes, working out just fine.
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in her vanilla scented shampoo, it was a killer. It could make a guy forget it was only pretend. It took every bit of my soul not to bend down and nibble at that gorgeous neck of hers.
This is pretend, I reminded myself. She was only doing this to help me out. A favor. No way could I take advantage of that. The girl wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t to help me.
I took a deep breath and brought myself back under control.
Looking out over the top of Amber’s head I watched the party. Things were heating up. Nick was across the room with Kathy Simpson on his lap. A college freshman at Eastern University, home for the weekend. Leave it to Nick to hook up with a college girl.
A quick scan of the crowd revealed a dozen girls all wishing they could replace her. In fact, Jenna Parker was sitting on the couch looking like she was going to push her off Nick’s lap and scamper to fill the spot.
Two other girls were dancing in the middle of the room. The guys egging them on. It looked like we were but minutes away from someone removing their top and jumping on the coffee table. God, you had to love high school.
Ruby Miller, her blue hair a beacon in the night, was sitting on the stairs her lips locked on Bill Thompson. His hand was creeping up under her shirt. When did they get together? I wondered. Probably about ten minutes ago, I answered myself.
Tank had disappeared. Probably already on his way home. He never really got into the party spirit. I worried about him. There had been the occasional girl in his life. But, they never seemed to last. There was something about Tank that he kept to himself. A pain so deep that none of us could ever get it out of him.
Luke, of course, wasn’t here. He was working, like always. The boy was obsessed with making enough for college so his parents wouldn’t get strapped.
It won’t last, I thought, as I looked out over the party. We are all going our separate ways. School, jobs, family. These carefree days will not last.
Sighing, I pulled Amber in close and tried to forget about the future.
“I should probably get you home,” I said. It was getting late, and I did not need to piss off her parents. Ruining this pretend thing was the last thing I wanted.
“Are you okay to drive?” she asked, as she turned around to look at me.
“Sure, I only had one beer, three hours ago,” I said, looking down at the full cup sitting next to me. “Appearances,” I reminded her.
She smiled and said, “I meant your leg.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s fine. Or, at least fine enough.”
She nodded and stood up. Looking down at me, waiting.
I tried to get up, but my leg almost buckled under me. Taking a deep breath, I let Amber help me to my feet. The look she shot me let me know that she was questioning my whole “Fine” statement.
I ignored her look and took her hand in mine. It was instinctive, not for appearances, but she didn’t know that. I just liked holding it. So. Sue me.
We made our way out. Saying our goodbyes. People shot us knowing looks. Like they couldn’t believe we had hung around as long as we had. Johnny gave me a suggestive wink. I ignored him. Nick gave me a disapproving stare. All the while, his hand rested on Kathy’s thigh, a millimeter away from the hem of her very short skirt.
I knew what Nick was thinking. Do not screw this up. Don’t hurt her. I wanted to tell him it was only pretend. He didn’t have to worry. But, deep down, I liked the idea of him thinking a girl like Amber could like a guy like me.
Silently telling him to mind his own business, I got Amber out of there and into my truck.
That wall of awkwardness had returned. A barrier that could not be easily overcome. A gorgeous girl was sitting next to me. Alone, on a dark night. And, I couldn’t do or say the things I wanted. This whole pretend thing was not as great an idea as I thought it would be.
“That was fun,” Amber said. “Thank you for taking me.”
I laughed, then I saw she was serious. My insides turned over. Had she really enjoyed herself? All we did was sit there and watch other people get drunk. Not exactly a scintillating evening.
I pulled up to my house, then walked her to her front door. Several times I caught her looking at my limp. Thankfully, we got to her door, she stopped and turned towards me. A strange look in her eyes.
What now? I wondered. How was I supposed to handle this? A goodnight kiss? Everything inside of me yelled at me to kiss her.
For a long moment, she stood there, staring up at me, waiting.
No, I reminded myself. That wasn’t the agreement.
“Good night, Jason,” she finally said with a little sad look.
As she turned to go inside, my guts tightened up into a ball of self-hate. I’d screwed it up somehow, and I didn’t even have any idea how.
“Listen, Amber,” I said, as she put her hand on the doorknob. “I’ll give you a ride to school on Monday if you want?”
She looked at me for a moment then her shoulders sank. “Of course,” she said. “We mustn’t forget about appearances. Right?”
And, with those words she disappeared into her house.
What was that all about? It was like she was upset that I offered her a ride. I swear I will never understand women.
.o0o.
The weekend drug by. I wanted to see Jason again. True, it wasn’t real, but I enjoyed being around him. I couldn’t stop thinking about how we said good night. It was like two strangers.
We were fine in public. Light, easy, keeping up appearances. But, in private. Just the two of us. It was as if an unknowable force kept us apart.
Jason had told me he was working for his dad both Saturday and Sunday. I’d pressed him about working with a hurt leg, but he’d laughed it off. Typical, I thought. The boy would never admit there was a problem.
So instead, I checked my phone about ten times an hour. But, nothing.
Mom, being Mom, of course, noticed.
“So how was the party?” she asked me, as I tried to check my phone without being seen.
“Fine,” I answered. No way was I talking about this stuff with my mom.
“Just fine?”
I swear, she was relentless.
“What, Mom?” I snapped, probably a little more forcibly than I should have. “Do you want to know if there were drugs? Not that I saw, but probably. Drinking? Yes, beer, I even had a few sips, just to be sociable. It tasted terrible. What? The music, loud, but appropriate for a high school party. Sex? Again, probably. But, no orgies in the living room. If there were orgies in the other rooms, I didn’t participate.”
She looked back at me with big eyes. “I just wanted to know if you had fun. But, excuse me for asking.”
Great, now I looked like a total idiot. Something I seemed to be doing a lot lately.
I sighed heavily. “I’m sorry. Yes, I had fun,” I answered, praying that would be enough.
But, No.
“And, Jason, did he have a good time?”
“I don’t know,” I said, as an anger began to build up inside of me. “He didn’t say.”
She looked at me for a long moment with a very concerned expression. The one that let me know she cared, but also, I could do better.
“Well, what did he say?” she asked.
Somehow, we had ended up talking about the party after all. My mom was an expert at dragging information out of people.
“Not much,” I said. “He was hurt during the game. I think he just wanted to get through the night so he could go home and rest.”
Mom nodded. “And, that’s it?”
“We sat on the floor, talked and laughed, he’s very funny. Oh, and he said he would take me to school on Monday.”
Mom broke out with a big smile. “Oh, honey, believe me, he enjoyed himself. He wouldn’t have offered the ride if he hadn’t.”
I looked into her eyes to try and figure out if she was lying to me. I desperately wanted to believe her. But, was this one of those times when a mother tried to ease her daughter’s pain?
Deciding that I would never know, I shrugged my shoulders and went to my room. The last time he had texted me, about coming over, I had been in my room. Maybe that was the key.
But, No. Complete silence.
The weekend slumped along into Sunday afternoon. It was one of those Indian summer days. The high sixties, cloudless blue sky. Probably the last nice day before the winter rains set in. I’d been warned to enjoy it while I could before we got five months of cold, cloudy, drizzly wet.
So, of course, I was spending it holed up in my room waiting. No text. No phone call. Not even smoke signals. Nothing. You would think the boy would have the common courtesy to let me know he remembered I was alive.
The sudden ding of the doorbell made my heart jump into my throat.
“I’ve got it,” I yelled before I was half way out of my room.
My heart fell when I threw the door open to find Marla standing there with a big grin.
“I got my license,” she said, “yesterday.”
“Wow,” I replied. Great, she gets her license, and I can’t even get my parents to let me get my learners permit. They said I wouldn’t need to drive when I went to Harvard.
Marla was bouncing around like a rabbit on coke, “My dad forgot some papers, and my mom said I could drive them out to him. Do you want to go?”
I balked, rules. “Are you sure?” I asked. “I thought you couldn’t have passengers.”
“Tank and Jason will be there,” she said with a smile.
“Mom,” I yelled. “I’m going out with Marla,” I was out of the house before anyone could stop me.
Marla smiled at me, as she got behind the wheel of her mom’s car. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ve been driving for two years. Don’t tell my mom. But, my dad let me drive on the back roads with him.”
My stomach relaxed, as a wave of jealousy passed through me.
She did all the right things. Adjusting mirrors, seatbelts, the whole nine yards, then slowly backed out of the driveway. She was a good driver, I realized, and began to relax.
It took almost thirty minutes to get to the work site. Marla pointed out the temporary trailer her dad used for his onsite office. She parked next to it, and we got out.
“Where are Tank and Jason working?” I asked. Figuring if I threw in the Tank reference she wouldn’t pick up on how excited I was.
“There,” she said, as she pointed to the roof of a house across the street.
At that exact moment. I fell in love. There could be no other explanation for the pounding in my chest and the surge of adrenalin running through me.
Jason Turner stood on top of the roof, shirtless. Framed against the blue sky. A chiseled work of art. Wide shoulders tapering down to narrow hips. A leather work belt hung low around his waist. Boots, jeans, and a body that made me glad to be alive.
I know my jaw dropped and my eyes bugged out. But, I couldn’t control it. The man was priceless. Every girl’s dream of pure maleness.
Marla laughed and shook her head. “I know, right?” she said. I glanced over and saw that she was looking at Tank, as if he was the answer to every wish she ever had.
We are two total idiots, I thought. A girl who can’t let anyone know she loves her brother’s best friend and a girl in a pretend relationship with a boy she loves. There could be no two more pathetic creatures.
“Hey!” Jason yelled from atop the roof, as he waved a hand to let us know where he was at. As if I could have been within two hundred yards of the boy and not known where he was.
I waved back. Why did I feel like this? Like the world was spinning, but frozen in time. Like I couldn’t get enough air, but who needed air?
Jason said something to Tank, then made his way to the ladder. He walked across the roof like he walked onto a football field. In command. His athletic body would never betray him.
His limp seemed to have disappeared, or he was making sure I didn’t see it. He stepped onto the ladder, then placed both feet on either side, and slid to the bottom.
The boy was showing off. Why?
Tank followed. One rung at a time. Then, they both started walking towards us. Two masculine male lions at the peak of their power.
I had forgotten how to breathe. As he approached, I felt my insides grow warm and soft. Like something had changed and I didn’t know what.
“What are you guys doing here?” he asked.
“Dad forgot some papers,” Marla answered. I couldn’t have spoken if my life depended on it.
“And your mom let you drive,” Tank said. It looked like he didn’t approve. Marla shrank back for a second then straightened her shoulders and looked him right in the eye.
“Yes, she did,” Marla said. “She knows I’m not a child.” And, with that, Marla turned and marched to the office to deliver the papers.
Tank looked like someone had hit him upside the head with a two by four.
“What’d I say?” he asked Jason.
Jason ignored him, as he continued to stare at me. Our eyes locked and I know for a fact that he could read every desire flashing through my mind. My cheeks burst into red hot flames, but I couldn’t look away.
“I’m glad you came,” he said with that silly smile of his. “I should have called you, but we’ve been busy. We’ve got to get these houses done before the weather changes.”
I nodded. Still unable to speak. That wide, bare chest of his seemed to have taken all my words away.
A door slammed on the trailer. “Come on Amber,” Marla said. “I’ve got to get my mom’s car home. You know, us children can’t be trusted.” The look of pure anger she shot Tank could have scorched a wrought iron gate.
His brow narrowed in confusion.
“But ...” I answered. I was proud of myself for being able to talk. It might have been nicer if I had been a bit more articulate though.
“You’d better go,” Jason said. “As mad as she is, she’d leave you here.”
“Of course,” I got out. “Um, are you still giving me a ride tomorrow?”
He smiled. That patented Jason smile that melted my heart.
“Yes,” then he glanced over at Tank before leaning down to whisper in my ear. “Appearances, remember.”
I nodded my head, as I tried to keep my knees from collapsing. The pure man smell of sawdust, sunscreen, and hard work engulfed me.
Jason pulled back for a moment, stared into my eyes, then leaned down and kissed me.
My heart froze. I knew this was for Tank and Marla’s benefit. Not because he wanted to kiss me. But, still, my heart froze. His lips were gentle, but firm. My mind reeled, and my hands instinctively went around that big strong back of his.
He snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me in for a deeper kiss.
We were lost in each other. I could feel it in him. For a moment, we forgot about pretending and thought only of each other.
“Hey, get a room,” Marla yelled from the car.
Jason broke away. I found myself wanting to follow him. The loss of his lips on mine had left an empty feeling inside of me.
“You better go, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.
I nodded, then took a deep breath and tried to bring my world back to normal. “Yes, tomorrow.”
Somehow, I made it to the car. To this day I don’t know how I convinced my legs to walk away from him. As we drove away, I turned to see him and Tank in the middle of the road watching us leave.
“I’m sorry,” Marla said. “It’s just that Tank makes me so mad sometimes.”
I nodded, as I tried to regain some sense of stability in my world.
“Give it time,” I said. “You’re still a sophomore.”
“I don’t have time,” she said with a sad face. “He’ll be gone in a few months. Graduating. And I’ll never get a chance. Besides, I’m sixteen. He won’t be eighteen until next year. A lot of sophomores date seniors.”
The pain in her voice made me wince.
“I don’t think age is the problem,” I said gently.
“I know,” she said, as her shoulders slumped. “I’ll always be the little sister. Squirt. The pest.” Her eyes had become all misty, and I became worried about her ability to drive.
Marla remained quiet for a long while, then she pulled herself together, and smiled at me.
“Well, one thing is for sure. We know Jason is in love with you at least.”
“What? No! We’ve only started dating. I don’t even know if it will last.”
Marla glanced at me quickly, then back to the road. “Believe me Amber. I saw the way he looked at you. And, that kiss! I know my brother. He is head over heels in love.”
I swallowed hard. I should tell her the truth. It was cruel to let her go on thinking this. That there was any chance. Her brother and I were nothing more than a farce. A means to an end. While it was perfectly understandable why I might fall in love with Jason Turner. The boy was a chiseled god after all. There was no way he was interested in me. Not in real life.
It was only pretend, I reminded myself. Even if there had been a moment during that kiss when it hadn’t felt pretend at all. In fact, as far from pretend as a person could get.
This was not real, and I mustn’t let myself believe otherwise. Down that path lay only heartache and pain.
Unfortunately, my heart told me it was too late. When a person falls in love. It is always too late.