There comes a time in a guy’s life when things change. A sudden shift in the world when he learns that what he thought was true turns out to be a complete bag of crap.
Such was my new world view.
It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. Twice. The second time, just to make sure the first time took effect.
When Amber walked through the door of the English Lit class, my world stopped. Everything I thought I had wanted was wrong.
I smiled slightly at her and dipped my head. No way was I letting them see how much it hurt. She smiled back and slid into her seat.
The wall of awkwardness was back, but about two hundred feet higher and three times as thick.
It had been me that asked for this, I told myself. Unfortunately, it just made the pain all that much worse.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Cindy from across the room giving me a small smirk. I swear the girl loved to see other people in pain.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly and tried to concentrate on Mr. Kennedy and failed miserably.
What was even worse, I was trapped near Amber. Instead of my old seat back in the corner. Now I was close to her. I could smell her faint perfume mixed with that vanilla shampoo. It was like an aroma of pure bliss. Surrounding me, burying me in a blanket of what might have been. What should have been.
Somehow I made it through class without making a complete fool of myself. I didn’t remember a word anyone said. I couldn’t have told you what book we were talking about. The world had melted away.
When the bell rung, Amber was out the door before the sound had stopped vibrating off the walls.
Great, so that was how it was going to be. We would spend the rest of the year avoiding each other. I wondered if it was too late to change to another class.
But, then I wouldn’t get to see her each morning. I wouldn’t know that she was alright.
Sighing to myself, I headed for my next class. My head down, as I thought about practice later that day. I couldn’t wait to get out on the field and hit someone. Anyone. I needed to run into something hard. Maybe that would make me feel better.
Amber
When Jason gave me that small smile this morning in Mr. Kennedy’s class, my heart had melted. He didn’t hate me. At least not a lot.
I saw the pain in his eyes and wondered why he was upset. Was he worried about me? Was he upset that I might be upset? Or, was it something else? Did he worry about being chased by a dozen girls?
Come on, Amber, I told myself. He was a teenage boy, he had never really worried about too much attention from girls. He had just wanted to avoid drama. Had just wanted to avoid having to commit. I’d helped him do that.
That small smile of his had been his way of saying thanks. I was sure of it.
For some reason though, I couldn’t get over the pain in his eyes. Something was wrong.
Every fiber of my soul cried out for me to go to him and find out what was wrong. To help him fix it.
Nope, that wasn’t my job anymore, I reminded myself. You are no longer a part of his life.
The thought saddened me to my very core. That was it, I realized. I wasn’t part of his life. Even if it had only been pretend. It was so much more than I had now.
Gulping back a tear, I hurried into the girl’s bathroom. I didn’t care if I was late for my next class. I needed to get myself together. I could not afford to have people see me all broken like this.
As I wiped my eyes, the other girls in the bathroom shot me a dozen different kinds of looks. Poor Amber, some of them seemed to be saying. Just as many though were secretly smiling at my pain.
It was too much. The tears started falling, as I began to ugly cry right there in front of everyone. Every pain, every regret, every loss, all of it seemed to bubble out of me as I lost control.
I buried my face in my hands and cried.
The shocked expression on their faces was priceless. Like a lost flock of sheep.
“You people are pond scum,” a sultry voice said from the door. “Worse than pond scum.”
Ruby Miller rushed to my side and put an arm around my shoulder. Finally, someone understood.
“You let it go,” she whispered, as she gently rubbed my back. “Heaven knows, you’ve got a right.”
The other girls in the room scrambled to get out before Ruby turned on them. That was the thing about Ruby, you did not want to get on her bad side. The girl didn’t care about appearances. Didn’t care what other people thought. She was a loose cannon, and you did not want to be in range when she went off.
Ruby had the ultimate weapon. If you messed with her, she’d sleep with your boyfriend and teach him what he was missing.
It was enough to keep any girl on the better side of Ruby Miller.
“Oh Ruby,” I said between gulps of air and heavy tears. “It hurts so much.”
“I know, honey, I know,” she continued to say.
She stayed there, holding me, as I slowly brought myself back to one piece. At last, I slowed down enough to stand up straight and wipe my eyes. As I did, I glanced into the mirror and almost started again. I looked like an electrified clown. My eyes were as red as a Christmas ornament and my nose looked like Rudolf’s cousin.
I laughed and shook my head. “Great, now everyone is going to think I’m high on drugs or I’ve got a terminal illness. They already knew I was an idiot.”
Ruby stepped away and smiled at me. Her silver nose ring twinkled under the florescent lights.
“You girl,” she said with a smile, “have earned serious hero points with me, and probably half the girls in this school.”
I frowned. What was she talking about?
“You stole the great Jason Turner from under the queen bees’ noses and then, you dumped him because he wasn’t good enough. Oh, that is so sweet. A double whammy.”
I gulped. “No Ruby, it’s not like that,” I said. “It wasn’t Jason’s fault. It was mine.” This was so wrong, so what was not supposed to happen like this. None of this was supposed to come back on Jason.
She studied me for a moment then shook her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “They know what they know.”
I looked at her for a long moment. I had to tell her. There was really no other choice. I had to tell someone.
“It was fake,” I whispered. “Everything, it was pretend. We only did it to get the other girls to leave him alone. And, to help me socially get accepted. It didn’t mean anything to him.”
Ruby stared at me for a long minute. Her eyes were as big as ping pong balls. Then, she barked out a deep laugh.
“Oh, that is precious,” she said. “You did it just to spite the queen bees?”
“No, not just for that.”
Ruby raised an eyebrow and gave me a questioning look.
“Well, maybe,” I said, as my cheeks began to blush. Great, more red, I thought.
Ruby laughed again and slung her arm around my shoulder for a quick hug. Then, her eyes got very serious.
“If it was all pretend, why the crying jag? It wasn’t serious. What’s wrong? What did that bastard do?”
“No,” I said hurriedly. I couldn’t have her thinking this was Jason’s fault.
“That’s not it,” I continued, “I just ... I ...”
She looked into my eyes, and I could see her slowly come to the realization of the truth.
“You fell in love with him didn’t you?”
I nodded my head, as I fought to hold off another cry.
Her eyes narrowed with concern, then she pulled me into a tight hug again.
“Don’t worry honey,” she said, as she rubbed my back. “It won’t last. Love never does. The pain will go away.”
I sobbed into her shoulder, as I realized how wrong she was. It was impossible to think this pain would ever go away.
.o0o.
We lost that week’s football game, and then the one after that. I played like crap both games. For some reason, the fire in my belly just wasn’t there.
Life sucked, and the people around me made it worse. Marla was giving me the silent treatment. Somehow, she’d gotten it into her head that Amada dumping me was all my fault.
The worst of it was, I wanted to talk to her about Amber. How was she doing? Did she talk about me? But, every time I started to bring up the subject, Marla would toss her hair over her shoulder and stomp off.
Nick acted like I was some kind of lower life form. You’d think out of anyone he would have understood.
“She’s different,” he said, as he shook his head. “You must have really screwed up.”
I couldn’t tell him the truth. Not without making myself look like a complete idiot. I was hurting over losing a pretend girlfriend. It was ridiculous.
But, it was Tank who was the worse. Every morning when he climbed into my truck he would stare over at me and scowl.
“You need to fix this,” he’d say, then shut up. The next morning, he’d do the same, “You need to fix this.”
What could I tell him? That Amber didn’t think of me as boyfriend material. She didn’t look at me like I was worth the effort. Didn’t he realize that if there was some way I could fix it I would?
Even my mom would look at me and shake her head. You know it’s pretty bad when you lose your mother’s support.
Like I said. Life sucked.
It only got worse, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was still trying to recuperate from two days of too much food, too much laying around watching football, and too much time thinking about Amber.
I swear, even Uncle John looked at me strangely for a second and shook his head. And, he had more woman problems than Brad Pitt.
The doorbell ringing made me jump. I tried to remember if we had any more relatives coming over. Those who hadn’t made the big meal on Thursday, or the leftovers Friday. But, I didn’t think anyone was scheduled.
When I opened the door, my heart fell to my stomach.
Mr. Johnson. Amber’s dad. I’ve got to admit. The first thing I did was to look at his hands and make sure he wasn’t carrying a shotgun.
“Hi, Jason. Do you have a moment?” he said, indicating he wanted to talk on the porch.
“Yes sir,” I answered, as I stepped outside.
He looked a little embarrassed. My heart was pounding. Was Amber okay? What was this all about?
“So, I hear your pretty good up on a roof?” he said.
I could feel the wrinkles on my forehead. What was this all about?
“Yes, Sir.”
He took a deep breath. “Well, the thing is. I want to put up some Christmas lights. And, my wife doesn’t believe I can do it without falling off the roof. I started to do it myself, but I’m afraid she might be right. I’ll pay you fifty bucks if you do it for me.”
I let out a long breath. That was so not what I was expecting to hear.
“Of course, sir, and you don’t have to pay me. You’re our neighbor. My mom would skin me alive if she thought I was getting paid to help you.”
He smiled, “We’ll discuss it later. I was wondering if you could come over now. I’ve got the lights all laid out.”
My insides turned over. What if I ran into Amber? We hadn’t talked since the breakup scene in the cafeteria. Other than an occasional tight smile, we hadn’t acknowledged each other. What would I say now? Especially, with her parents right there.
Did she know her dad was here? For some reason, I doubted it.
“Amber and her mom are Christmas shopping,” he said, as if he could read my mind. “I’d love to have it all done before they came home. Surprise them. I might even forget to tell them you helped.”
I smiled at him as my guts relaxed. No Amber. That was a good thing I told myself. Even if a part of me didn’t believe it.
My mom’s eyes lit up when I told her where I was going. I didn’t know if it was because I was helping someone or because she thought I might run into Amber. I decided not to address the issue. I had enough things to worry about.
Following Mr. Johnson next door, I listened, as he explained what he wanted done, then I scrambled up onto the roof via his ladder.
I was standing on the peak of the roof getting ready to start stapling the lights down when Mrs. Johnson and Amber pulled into their driveway.
You could have pushed me over with a feather. I had so hoped to be out of there before they got home. I hadn’t even gotten started.
Swallowing tightly, I nodded to Amber, as she got out of the car. Her eyes were bigger than Texas. She scowled for a moment, then shot her father one of those death ray stares of hers before she hurried into the house.
Mr. Johnson and I worked most of the afternoon. He was going full out. Each dormer had to be framed in lights. Each edge, each window. I didn’t mind though. It felt good to be working. Better than sitting around watching TV. Besides, my insides were able to relax once Amber had gone inside.
After I finished the roof, I began to help him frame the downstairs windows when Amber stepped out with a platter of sandwiches.
“Mom said I had to bring these out,” she said. It looked to me like she had the same scowl she’d had when she’d seen me there earlier. Great, I thought. She is pissed. And, all I did was agree to help her dad.
“Thank you, honey,” Mr. Johnson said, as he continued untangling the lights.
I gave her a quick smile and tried to focus on what I had been doing. But, for some reason, I couldn’t remember how to operate a construction stapler anymore.
The woman was as beautiful as ever. Long auburn hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. A red top and jeans that were a killer. Pure death.
“Listen, I’ll be right back,” Mr. Johnson said, as he gently lowered his ball of lights. “I’ve got to check something inside.” He disappeared into the garage before either Amber, or I knew what was going on.
“But ...” she said, as she watched him disappear, holding that platter of sandwiches like this was the last place on earth she wanted to be.
I glanced at her from under my brow and agreed. Awkward didn’t begin to describe the tension in the air.