My life should have been great. Instead, a heavy emptiness seemed to fill me with dread. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t figure it out. We were winning on the field. Four straight games. I’d gotten my Trigonometry grades up to semi-respectability. Thanks to Amber. The whole pretend girlfriend thing was working out great. Everyone was leaving me alone, and I didn’t have to commit a bunch of time and energy to keeping her happy. Even the weather had finally turned, so I didn’t have to work weekends
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was getting pulled in a dozen different directions at the same time.
But!
Something was wrong. I wasn’t happy like I should have been.
Deep down, I was pretty sure I knew why. But, I didn’t want to pull it out and examine it.
Amber. She was the problem.
When I was around her things got all out of kilter. Tipped on their side. I’d forget about football. I’d forget about friends, grades. All I could think about was her.
The way her hair smelled. The way her eyes would sparkle when I said something funny. Like maybe she was the only person on the planet who got my joke. And, that was okay, as long as she thought it was funny.
I would lay in bed at night thinking about her. Thoughts that would have embarrassed the hell out of her if she knew what I was thinking.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way, I reminded myself. It was supposed to be pretend. No commitment. No worries. That was the entire reason for doing it this way. Yet?
What if we stopped pretending? I thought. My mind kept wandering to that what if. To the possibilities of more. I knew we hadn’t agreed to it. I knew the only reasons he was even involved was to help me out. But, what if we made it official.
Would she go for that? I wondered. Would she be my girlfriend for reals? You know. The whole agreeing to care for each other. The decision to focus on each other.
Could I do it? The season was coming to an end in a couple of weeks. Then, there was the playoffs. But, after that? Maybe I did want a girlfriend this year. If it was Amber. I mean. What guy wouldn’t? Smart, beautiful, sweet, what more could a guy ask for?
My stomach turned over at the idea of broaching the subject. How could I bring it up?
We’d become such good friends over these last five weeks. What if she freaked out and never talked to me again?
Jason, I told myself. There has been absolutely no indication that she is even interested. Sure, in public, she played the game. Played it like an expert. Flirty, affectionate without being clingy, sweet, never coy.
But, in private. That permanent wall of awkwardness would spring up between us. It was like we forgot how to talk to each other. As if we were two strangers just meeting.
No. There was no indication she was even interested.
For the first time, I wondered if I had ruined any possibility of a real relationship by creating this pretend one. That was my life, I didn’t want a real relationship, so I created a fake one. As a result, I lost the opportunity for the real relationship I now wanted.
Don’t tell me high school doesn’t suck.
Taking a deep breath, I turned for the cafeteria. As I stepped in, my eyes immediately located Amber. My body always seemed to know where she was at.
I caught a glimpse of Nick, surrounded by three or four girls as always. He shot me a look of concern, then glanced towards Amber. I sometimes got a hint from Nick that he knew what was going on. But, he didn’t say anything. He’d bide his time, then tell me how much I screwed up after I had failed miserably.
That was our relationship. We didn’t judge. But, we sure were judgmental after the fact. If that makes any sense.
Amber flashed me a sad smile. Something was wrong, I knew it. My heart jumped. I’d hurt anything or anyone who had hurt her. She tried to look away, but not before I saw that her eyes were redder than they ever should have been.
“Hi Amber,” I said, as I approached. “Is everything okay?”
She nodded and said, “Fine.” But, I had a sister and a mother. I well knew when fine did not mean fine. I gave her a long look. Waiting. That always seemed to work best with Marla. If I pressed, she’d get pissed, and I’d never learn what the problem was.
Amber looked back at me. I swear, it was like I’d killed her favorite kitten.
She took a deep breath, then bit her lip.
“What is it, Amber?” I asked, as my heart pounded in my chest. This could not be good.
She sighed heavily. “It’s been six weeks.”
My brow creased. What had been six weeks?
“The queen bees all have boyfriends. They’ll leave you alone,” she added.
Six weeks, had it really been that long? My insides tightened up as I waited for more. Everything about the way she looked at me let me know I was not going to like the next bit.
“I can’t keep doing this,” she said with a sad smile.
“You mean? You’re breaking up with me.”
She laughed sadly. “Jason, it wasn’t real, remember? This is the public break up you promised me. Appearances, remember?”
My world came to a screeching halt. She was serious.
“But, I thought ...”
“What? Jason. Did you think I could keep on doing this? We’re lucky no one found out. I’ve got to go on with my life. You’ve got to go on with yours. It’s best, we end it now. You get what you wanted. And, don’t worry. I’ll make you sound like the greatest boyfriend in the world. I’ll just tell them it was too much, too fast.”
“But?” I couldn’t seem to think straight any longer.
“Don’t worry,” she said, as she gathered her lunch things. “You’ve got the trigonometry thing figured out. You’ve got the girl issue solved, your life is great. It couldn’t have worked better.”
My mind continued to spin, as I tried to understand. Before I walked in here, my world had consisted of possibilities. Those possibilities had just been shot down like winter geese.
Amber smiled at me one last time, her eyes pinched with concern, she briefly reached over and gently touched my shoulder. She was saying goodbye, I realized with a flash of pain.
Her lips dipped down in a sad frown, then she turned and hurried from the cafeteria like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Half the room watched her leave, then swung around to stare at me.
I’ve got to give the girl credit. She made it look good. The stunned look on my face was a dead giveaway. Amber Johnson had just dumped Jason Turner.
.o0o.
My heart broke that day. Broke so badly that it would never be whole again.
I hurried from the cafeteria. Down the hall, to my locker for my jacket, and straight out the front door of the school. No way was I going back to class. Not today. I’d tell my mom I had cramps and walked home.
In fact, if I worked on her. Maybe I could convince her that I didn’t really need high school and could go straight to Harvard. They started a new semester in a few months, right?
The thought of being in the same building as Jason Turner frightened me to my very core.
I had to do it, I kept reminding myself. There was no other choice. The pain had become too much. The shame and fear too intense.
Being around Jason, pretending to love him when I wasn’t allowed to love him. I couldn’t do it any longer. Not and survive.
How do people live through this? I wondered. How can they continue to function? And, this hadn’t even been real. What if we really had been boyfriend and girlfriend and then broke up? The thought sent a cold chill through me. I couldn’t imagine the level of pain.
Or, is this worse because I had wanted so much more and never achieved it? Was this worse because I had been given a glimpse of Nirvana, but been denied reaching it?
No way was I ever going to be able to answer that question. All I knew was that I needed to get away from there.
I had to do it, I kept reminding myself as I walked home. There was no other choice. Maybe after a five-mile hike, I’d start believing it.
When I finally got home, I sneaked into the house via the garage and made it to my bedroom without my parents knowing. I just needed time, I told myself. Just enough time to pull myself together before I had to face other people.
My mom. Being my mom, of course, ruined my sanctuary.
She tapped at the door. “Amber, are you alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I snapped, as I turned over on the bed, putting my back to the door.
I heard her open the door and step into my room.
“Amber?” she said.
“Mom, please, I just don’t feel good. I came home from school early.”
My mom stood there for a long moment, then said, “Did you and Jason have a fight?”
See, that’s my mom. I can’t keep a secret from her. Even when I don’t talk, she figures it out.
“Please, Mom, I’ll be fine. Can you just leave me alone for a bit? I swear, it’s not a big deal.”
I didn’t even have to see her to know she was giving me that disapproving look. How could I let a boy upset me so much? How could I let anything interfere with school? See, she had told me. Protect my heart. Don’t get too serious. This was why, that look said.
At last, she whispered, “If you need to talk, I’m here,” then she quietly left the room.
Talk? What could I say? I didn’t even have a reason to feel the way I did. It had been pretend. Jason had never said or did anything to lead me to believe otherwise. He had been perfect in that. It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t even be mad at him.
Sighing, I punched my pillow and tried to forget about him. An ability I feared I would never master.
Somehow, at some point in the night, after hours of tossing and turning, after hours of tears and pain, I fell asleep.
The next morning, I forced myself to shower and get ready for school. I couldn’t avoid it. Not unless I refused to ever go back. But, somehow, I knew my parents were not going to allow that to happen.
Plus, I didn’t want the kids at school thinking I’d wimped out. It had been bad enough running away yesterday. But, two days in a row. Nope, not going to happen. I had some pride left.
I was downstairs peeking out the front window when my mom found me. Jason’s truck was still parked outside his house. My stomach turned over thinking about running into him again. That big yellow monstrosity called the school bus was infinitely better than the close confines of Jason’s truck.
“Honey,” she said, “you can’t avoid him forever.”
“Year right,” I answered, “just watch me.”
She shook her head and walked away.
As I watched, Jason and Tank stepped out of his house and got into his pick-up. He looked as perfect as always, a gray flannel shirt over a forest green band t-shirt. Probably, ‘Panic’, I thought. He seemed to wear that shirt a lot. Stone washed jeans that hung perfectly off those narrow hips.
The boy was a walking poster for hot young male.
As he got into his truck, he halted for a moment and glanced at my house. I squealed and jumped back from the window.
Had he seen me? Great, now he had to worry about a stalker. That was the last thing Jason would want. He’d want a clean break. No drama, no fuss.
I heard his truck turn over and slowly moved the curtain to watch it drive away.
My heart relaxed, just a little. Now I could start the rest of my day.
Gathering my things, I yelled to my mom that I was off, and then I was out the door before she could stop me. The last thing I wanted was words of encouragement. I much preferred to wallow in this misery of mine.
Then, I saw Marla and my heart lurched. I’d dumped her brother. She was going to hate me. She didn’t know the truth. Didn’t know it was only pretend and that he didn’t care for me that way so I hadn’t really hurt him.
She saw me coming across my yard and shot me a look of concern.
“What did he do?” she asked. “He is such an idiot.”
I stared at her in disbelief. She was taking my side? How was this possible?
“He wouldn’t tell me,” Marla said, as her forehead narrowed with concern. “Just said that you broke up with him,” she continued, “whatever it was, I’m sure he deserved it.”
Suddenly, I realized that people were going to be blaming him. No way would anyone ever break up with the perfect Jason Turner, unless they had a very good reason.
“It’s not like that,” I told Marla. “We ... It was just too much, too fast,” I added, hoping that would be enough.
Marla looked at me for a long moment, then shook her head. I don’t think she believed me. To someone like Marla, it could never be too much, or too fast.
But, I couldn’t tell her the truth, I couldn’t say, I broke up with your brother because I am in love with him. It just wouldn’t make sense.