Isla

 

Wrapped in a sweatshirt I'd stolen from the clean pile of laundry next to the dryer, I pulled up the collar and inhaled. It was filled with the clean scent the dryer sheet and underneath it, Kai.

It was hard to reconcile how cold it was today, I kept thinking I was going to wake up from a dream at any moment. Though I’d grown up in Pennsylvania and had once been unfazed by freezing temperatures, living in California had skewed my ability to deal with temperatures under 75. Once I’d scoffed at those people who complained when the temperatures dipped. Now I was one of them.

Oddly, the ocean was still warm as I dipped a toe in. Rolling up my sweats, I waded into the water up to my ankles and pushed my hands into the pockets. A piece of paper crinkled under my fingers and I smiled slightly. Kai had left me a note as I’d asked. I hadn’t expected any less, but I was still touched.

The water was rougher today and I skipped back as a wave crashed into the shore. Kai had taught me a little about reading waves and I could tell that while the swells looked nice, they were breaking too hard and fast to be good surfing conditions. As though to prove my point, the water began to churn and boil more as the wind howled by me.

“Hey, Isla,” Kai’s voice was carried by the wind and I turned to see him walking towards me, grinning and giving me the shaka symbol. I stared at him and he raised an eyebrow. “What?”

I shook my head as he came closer. “Nothing,” I lied. But I couldn’t help staring at him. Something was wrong, even though I couldn’t quite explain what it was. Then I saw the surfboard and gasped. “You’re not going out there!”

Kai grimaced at me. “Don’t be a spoilsport. Looks fun.”

The sea was frothing at the mouth like a hungry dog and I grabbed Kai’s arm as he went forward. “What the hell is the matter with you? Do you have a death wish? It’s not safe.”

He shrugged me off and gave me a patronizing smile. “It’s fine. It’s nothing.”

As I looked at him, I realized what it was. Kai looked haunted, lost in some distant past, instead of being his usual sharply, intensely present self. Staring straight through me.

Kai was in the grip of some hell and not thinking straight.

“Let’s do something else,” I suggested. “How about lunch? I’ll cook.”

“Not hungry,” Kai said, sitting down and pulling out wax and comb, then dedicating himself to applying it to the board.

“Kai,” I said, kneeling down next to him and touching his shoulder. “I think maybe–”

He flinched away from me and snapped, “What the hell is wrong with you today, Isla?” I fell back, too astonished to be hurt. Then his tone evened out, “Please, let me be.”

Somewhere in my body, I knew I was smarting, but I was too worried to pay attention to it. “Kai, why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with you? This isn’t like you.”

“How would you know?” Kai asked, sounding bitterly amused.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve only spent every waking moment with you for the past month.”

“So?” Kai retorted.

In one motion, I’d snatched the wax away from him, risen to my feet and darted a few steps away. Kai was giving me an exasperated look as I glared at him. “Talk or no wax.”

“I was almost done anyways,” Kai said.

Resisting the urge to throw it at his head, I clenched my hand around it and the scent of coconuts rose up. “Oh, this is the good one, huh? I’ll throw it the ocean if you don’t tell me.”

Kai’s mouth twitched and he slowly got to his feet. “Yes, it is. Isla, please stop. They don’t make that brand anymore and it’s my favorite. It was kind of expensive, too.”

I lifted my arm higher as he walked towards me. “I’ll do it,” I said.

To my surprise, Kai put a hand to his face and laughed. "You won't, but it's hilarious that it has come to this. You threatening me over board wax.”

He came up to me and I tried to hold it far away and above my head, but Kai grabbed my wrist and easily took it back. Ugh, he was right. I couldn’t throw it away. It would be too petty.

Kai stood still, turning it over in his hands and giving me a funny look. “I know you weren’t telling me everything yesterday” I blurted out. “I did do something to upset you.”

Please, tell me what’s wrong so I can try to fix it. I feel like you’re drifting away and you don’t even realize it. You’re scaring me, Kai.

He shrugged. “You didn’t. And if you did, you shouldn’t care. It’s not your problem, it’s mine. Not that that matters, anyways.”

“Kai,” I said in a soft voice of protest. I’d expected him to deny it, grin cheekily or say everyone had an off day sometimes. Not get nihilistic on me. “Of course, I care. It’s impossible not to care about you. When Piper said that – and how considerate you were – I thought I knew what she meant. But I had no idea. They should invent a new word for you.”

The ghostly look faded from Kai’s eyes a little and he gave me a sweet smile. “Ha! What did Piper say about her lazy little brother? Something nice for once?”

I hesitated, then said in a rush, “Listen, I might not know the whole story between you and Piper – why you guys don’t get along or anything – but as someone who is friends with both of you, I can safely say you both care about each other. Piper misses you, Kai. She talked about you all the time with me, never mentioning your name of course, but I used to be like ‘why don’t you just call him or visit him, Piper?’ And she’d say, ‘he doesn’t want me to.’ But that isn’t true, is it?”

Kai sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Isla… There are so many things you don’t know. I can’t even begin to explain them, but I can tell you this much – don’t get involved.” His hand dropped and his gaze was dark, wavering on angry. “You don’t want to know.”

“I do want to know, though!” I cried out. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it has to do with the TLO and something that happened to you. That’s why you’re out here and it’s a secret. One Piper entrusted me with.” Shock raced across Kai’s face. “She told me how they took everything from you.” I clenched my hands. “How could I not care about you, Kai?”

“I don’t want your pity, Isla,” Kai said in a low tone. “Maybe that was true at a certain time, but I’ve also gained things. I live a good life.”

“You think I pity you?” I gasped. “I admire you, Kai! You risked your life for me, you risked everything to stop them and after whatever happened, you’re still moving forward.”

An ugly laugh burst from Kai. “Oh, Isla. No, that’s not true.” His eyes were glittering with a strange intensity. “I was a willing victim of the TLO, just as you were. Perhaps even more so. I lost four years of my life to them, then was forced into exile because I became… Ah, forget it!” I stared at him as his chest heaved. “If you got her to admit it – Piper would tell you I retired. But that’s a nice little lie. I was exiled.” He glanced away. “My great feat was wanting something so badly, I was blind to the cost and consequences.”

My lips parted. Suddenly, so many things about Kai made sense. But I didn’t feel any pity, only an irrational burst of anger at his obtuseness.

He continued, as though unable to stop. “Piper had no choice, she had to drag my sorry ass back in, almost seven years later, mind you. All while griping and bitching about how I don’t do anything with my life. Even though I’m content. I teach surfing during tourist season. I have good friends and I like my life here.” He shoved the wax into his pockets and raked his hands through his hair. “Even though it kills me that I can’t do anything to stop those monsters at the TLO, especially when I’ve seen first-hand what they’re capable of.” He shook his head. “No Isla, don’t think so highly of me. If anything, I’ve been using you as a sort of redemption, telling myself I’m not the absolute worst. Training you was another part of that. I’m sorry.”

I was quiet, then asked quietly, “You were duped by them, too?”

“Didn’t I make that pretty clear before and just now?” He gave me a fierce look. “Yes.”

“Well, I thought I was reading into things.” I paused and asked slowly, “How old were you?”

Kai made a face. “Eighteen into my early twenties.”

“That was so young!” I exclaimed. “I’m almost twenty-four, what’s my excuse?” Walking over to him, I grabbed his wrists and glared at him, “Kai Weslark, listen to me. This isn’t you. This is something from your past trying to drag you back down.” I paused, as an image of my older cousin, struggling with his inner demons flashed into my mind. “I’ve seen it before. And something is triggering it, something you’re not dealing with. If it’s me–”

“It’s not,” Kai said quickly. Too quickly.

“Or something I did…” I paused. “You’ve been off for the past few days. Don’t think I didn’t notice, buster. You’ve been hiding it well, but today you’re not yourself. And it’s scaring me.”

Kai winced. “Maybe I was just hiding it all along.”

“Then don’t hide it,” I ordered sternly.

A soft look of affection came into his eyes and Kai shook off my hands and cupped my face. It was so unexpected, all I could do was stare at him. “You make me think of Shakespeare. ‘Though she be but little, she is fierce.’”

I placed my hands over his. “You should remember that,” I said in a voice that broke a little.

I watched his throat work and Kai studied my face. “You’re right, Isla. It was something from my past that dredged itself up out of nowhere.” He glanced at the ocean. “But I would have been fine out there.” Looking back at me, he gave me a wry smile. “For you, though, I won’t go out.”

“Thank you,” I said.

His hands dropped away and he stuffed them in his pockets. “You should also know, it wasn’t you or anything you did. Although, something you said has been bothering me.” I stared at Kai, steeling myself. “You said ‘I usually don’t get the things I want.’ I can tell you from experience sometimes that’s a good thing.” His eyes closed. “Sometimes it’s the best thing that can happen, not getting what you wanted. It’s for the best”

“You’re right,” I said and his eyes flew open. I thought I wanted to go to Japan, be trained and travel the world. But I found something even better right here. Something I want even more. “Sometimes you get something unexpected and it’s even better. Something you needed, even.”

Kai gave me his sweetest and saddest smile. “Sometimes, but not often.”

“I did, though,” I said in a quavering voice that ached in my throat. “I got you.”

“Isla,” Kai said in a rough voice that made butterflies swirl through my stomach and he took a step forward. Then he seemed to shake himself and I watched his jaw clench. “No, it doesn’t work that way. Not for me. I can’t – I’m not – there are so many things you don’t know–”

“Stop. I don’t care,” I said, with complete and utter honesty. “It doesn’t matter. You do, Kai.”

He looked bewildered. “If you knew–”

“If I knew, then I’d probably be even more in love with you. There’d be no more secrets or walls. Either way, I know what's important about you, Kai. The way you treat everyone, be it a cat or a person, with the same deference and kindness. You’re a considerate, generous man who always gives and asks for nothing in return.”

Kai was staring at me, his hands hanging by his sides and his expression a mixture of dazed happiness and disbelief. He didn’t say anything – as though expecting someone to wake him from a dream. “Love…?” I blinked and heat rose in my face. “Did you say – you love me?”

A hand rose to my mouth and heat into my cheeks as I realized what I’d said.

I’d probably be even more in love with you.

Kai’s chest was rising and falling rapidly as he waited for an answer.

More in love with you.

A vortex of emotions and thoughts were swirling through me, every detail of every moment spent with Kai playing through my brain on fast-forward.

In love.

Now, I thought I could see a war of hope and fear amidst Kai’s disbelief and the knotted up strings in my chest seem to thrum in response, even as I panicked.

Love?!

Why did I say that?

Was I – I was in love with Kai? We stared at each other as my mind raced and my heart thundered through my body. Tremors ran up and down my limbs, into my fingers and toes.

I was – that wholehearted, soul-aching and spine-tingling love. It was true. I’d blurted out the confession, which was humiliating and also a bit hilariously exhilarating, but it was true. I’d known it all along, even if I hadn’t acknowledged it.

“Of course, I do,” I murmured through somewhat numb lips. I couldn’t trust myself to lie, but at the same time, I wished I could have a do-over. A more elegant moment.

“I thought you were starting to hate me again. After the training and almost drowning…” Kai’s voice trailed off as he spoke, sounding completely at a loss.

Okay, maybe I’d imagined the happiness.

Tilting my chin, I took a deep breath and said, “Now you know. Plus, since both of us know I’m an amazing woman, you must a pretty good guy. I have excellent taste.” Mortification was taking over and I felt the hysterical urge to cry. Why couldn’t I have planned this better? Why didn’t I think about this? Why didn’t I realize before it came tumbling out?

But more than that – I’d confessed my feelings and Kai was befuddled.

How flattering.

Turning, I went blindly back over the sand and into the house. I didn’t regret telling him, not exactly. If anything, under the mortification was a sense of pride.

And expectation.

I didn’t realize it, but I’d been hoping he’d reciprocate. That Kai at least felt something. Had I imagined something behind the looks and touches? The way he smiled at me sometimes without even seeming to realize it? The brush of his fingers along my shoulders? The hand holding?

Oh, and then the whole gallery thing. That had for sure seemed like the kind of gesture that implicated Kai was thinking about me and my future here.

Then yesterday, the whole asking me to stay here kerfuffle. What was that?

Kai being far too kind as usual?!

I’d made it back to my room and sagged against the door and locked it. Then, going to the far corner of the room, I sank down to the floor and leaned my head against the wall. Vaguely, I wondered how awkward things were going to be and whether Piper would be here in the morning to whisk me away to another safe house.

Suddenly there was a crash from the living room and I jumped. Startled, I heard pounding footsteps and a fist hammering on my door.

“Isla!” The doorknob jimmied. “Isla!”

Wiping at my face hastily, I stood up and started to say, “Hold on–” The doorknob broke off and the door burst open. “…a second,” I gaped at Kai as he stormed over to me.

“Don’t disappear like that ever again,” he growled at me and pulled me into his arms. Now it was my turn to be bewildered, but only for a split second, because then Kai was kissing me.