Kesari

 

Roy was gone by the time I woke up the next morning.

My fingers were outstretched to his side of the bed, curled upwards on the rumpled sheet, seeking his. Rolling onto my back, I stared up at the ceiling and brought my hands to my heart.

Sparks raced up and down my spine, across my skin and whispered in my ears.

Did Roy…? Are we…? Am I…?

I couldn’t bring myself to finish any of those questions as I brought the blankets over my head and burrowed into the pillows. Every time I tried to think about it, a jolt went through me.

Besides, with everything else going on, I couldn’t think about that right now.

Yet I could smell him, and I dragged my lower lip between my teeth to stifle a sigh.

Maybe I should. Maybe I had to. Maybe it was now or never.

I’d said it out loud last night, hadn’t I?

You are missing from me.

Heart pumping fast, I swung up out of bed before I could talk myself out of it.

I needed to see Roy.

Still chewing my lip, I charged out into the kitchen before I realized I was still in my pajamas. Which was nothing unusual – Roy had seemed me in my pajamas almost every day – yet I suddenly wanted to be wearing something nicer. I was about to turn around and change when Roy came into the kitchen, fully dressed and completely distracted.

“Oh, hey, I’m glad you’re up.” He went over to the coffee pot and filled up a thermos. “I have to go to San Francisco today and I’m leaving about five minutes ago.” I went to speak when a horn blared outside. “Dara will drive into the house if I don’t get out there soon. We’re going to the hospital and to meet with Piper. You’ll be okay?”

“Meet with Piper,” I echoed, following him and twisting my hands. My bravado evaporated. “Are you in trouble?” I asked nervously.

Roy stopped in the middle of checking his wallet and looked up at me with a bemused grin. “What? No. Should I be?” he said. “We need to talk and it’s easier for us to go there. Piper is, what, six-seven months pregnant? Can’t have her traipsing out here.”

Has it really been almost three months? I wondered as I nodded.

Suddenly it hit me that this would be the first time Roy and I had been apart in that time.

“What’s with the face?” Roy asked. “We need you here – I asked if you could come.”

“Oh,” I said, unknotting my brow. “I–”

A longer and louder horn blared.

Roy glared at the door, before glancing back at me and hesitating. “I have to go.”

I nodded, forcing myself to smile brightly. “I know. Get out of here already.”

Coming up to me, Roy tilted my chin up gently and held it. Lips parting, a whoosh of air escaped me. I was quivering from head to toe as he looked down at me, the blue of his eyes was unwavering and intense.

“Try to stay out of trouble,” Roy said, his lips quirking at the side as his fingers tightened. “And please be safe. Listen to Obi and try not to make Fortune’s and Wrexler’s lives more of a living hell than you already do.” His smile slipped a fraction. “Please, Kes.”

A sassy retort rose to my lips of hey, I make no promises, but Roy’s smile belied the worry I could see in his eyes, the faint wrinkle in his brow and shadow on his face.

“I will, Roy. You don’t have to worry,” I said.

He let go of my chin and said, “I do and I’m going to. It is impossible not to with you.” I let out a huff and he laughed. “It’s okay, Kes. Call it my new pastime.”

My cheeks warmed. I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I started babbling, “Safe trip. Give all of them my love. And send me updates. I know you hate texting, but you’re gonna text me. I want to know you got there safely. Don’t forget to eat, either.”

Grinning at me, Roy asked, “Are you worried about me, Kesari?”

“No!” I burst out, flustered. “I’m not, I’m just – sometimes you get busy and you forget. And I won’t be there…” Roy enclosed me in a hug and the rest of the words were lost. Instead, I hugged him back and wondered how every time it could feel this good. He was so solid and warm.

“Be safe and behave,” Roy said in my ear as he stepped back.

On impulse, I gripped his forearms and stood on tiptoe, brushing a kiss on his cheek. “Hey, mister,” I said, a little breathless. “You know me. No promises.”

Roy nodded, but he didn’t seem to have heard me. Instead, the intensity in his eyes grew and I couldn’t move my feet. Could barely breathe.

Our fingers brushed and slid together. I glanced down, then back up, my cheeks completely betraying me and Roy took a step forward.

He leaned down and I was rising up. It was like last night.

Coming together. Colliding.

As we should be.

A bang went through the house and we both jumped. “Roy!” Dara came marching into the kitchen and I pulled away. “I’ve been waiting for almost fifteen minutes. Let’s go!”

“Actually, Dara,” Roy said in a gentle and persuasive voice. “Could you maybe give–”

“Good morning!” Obi said, striding in and Roy’s shoulders slumped. “Roy, Dara – you’re still here? Hi, Kesari. Like the leopard print.”

“Since when do you call me Dara?” Dara was asking Roy, who swallowed.

“It’s been a long few days, Seng, cut me some slack,” Roy said, struggling to sound cool. But I could hear the flustered note in his voice and he glanced at me. “See you tomorrow.”

“Might be the end of next week if we don’t get out of here,” Dara boomed, tapping her foot.

“Bye guys,” I said. “Be safe.”

“Give those kids hell for me,” Obi said, smiling, even as the muscles around his eyes tensed.

Unable to help myself, I trailed after Roy and Dara as they left, watching as they walked down to the car and got in. Waving madly, I watched the SUV leave and then trudged back to the kitchen. What just happened?

Everything inside of me was topsy-turvy, my thoughts spinning and bouncing off each other. I was pulling on my hair without realizing it and Obi raised an eyebrow.

“Am I missing something?” he asked with a wide grin.

I gave him one in return. “Of course not. Want breakfast?”

“Sure,” Obi said. “But only if you let me help.”

“Absolutely not,” I said. “Sit there and let me whip you up the best lemon pancakes in the world. I mean, even if you don’t like lemon, they’re amazing. Roy pretended he didn’t like lemon but then he actually tried them and now he’s a convert. More than once he’s attempted to bribe me into making them or teaching him how. But it’s my secret recipe.” I kept rambling on since Obi didn’t interrupt, chattering on inanely, my thoughts continuously orbiting Roy.

When I turned back around, Obi was beaming, the tension gone from his face and I gave him a look as I handed him a coffee, waiting for the inevitable joke about my chatter.

“I know,” I sighed. “I’m talking too much.”

“Not at all,” Obi said. “I’m enjoying myself as always. Especially with the theme, too.”

“The theme?” I asked, nonplussed.

Obi’s eyes filled with mischief, as he innocently commented, “Roy.”

I let out a funny squeak, shot him a nervous smile and shrugged, as though it wasn’t worth an answer. Turning back to the pancakes, however, I felt my face contort with mortification.

Lev and Rurik wandered in, Lev monopolizing the conversation now, for which was I was eternally grateful. That cat was getting treats later. Then I heard my phone buzz.

It was a text from Roy.

My heart began to beat painfully hard. Roy wasn’t a texter and had barely texted me before. Granted, we lived and worked together, but still. I suddenly felt sixteen.

Working up the nerve to open it, I read it twice and bit my lip as I smiled.

I just realized something. This is the first time in weeks, no months, we’ve been apart.

Was Roy flirting? I almost swooned. Hastily I typed back, Think you can make it?

His response came instantly. I’ll let you know, but it’s gonna be a close thing.

“Kesari!” Obi suddenly called out sharply.

Turning, I saw my beautiful batch of lemon pancakes were blackened to a crisp and pouring smoke, then the smoke detectors suddenly went off and Fortune and Wrexler came running in.

By the time we got the pancake fire under control and the smoke detectors off, I’d lost my nerve again. Roy was only being nice, I was certain. I had to stop doing this to myself.

After a moment of hesitating, I tucked it away in my pocket and didn’t check it again.

 

“Kesari?” A hand landed on my shoulder and I jumped.

It was Talori, wearing a pink fluffy hat and looking at me with a mixture of compassion and affection. I knew that look. It wasn’t the first time she’d had to wake me at this desk.

“Sorry,” I said, wincing.

“You okay, today?” Talori asked, tilting her head and hugging her iPad closer to her chest. “I don’t mean to pry, but you seem down.”

“Do I?” I asked, dismayed. I’d been trying so hard to be normal, but I’d also been in a listless and distracted state all day. “I guess I’m worried about Finni, Kole, and Macale.”

Talori’s smile wavered and she nodded. “I think everyone is. Have you heard anything?”

I froze, as I realized in avoiding my phone, I’d been avoiding hearing updates. My hand drifted to my pocket and pulled it out. Then I let out a small sigh as I saw nothing new had come through.

“Nope,” I said, in a tone of relief and frustration.

“Oh, okay,” Talori said, sighing herself. “Well, I just wanted to let you know we’re all heading out to get lunch and take advantage of this half day.”

“Half-day?” I asked.

“Yes.” Talori raised an eyebrow at me. “Roy gave everyone a half-day. Most of us are going to go out in town and then head back to my place to hang out. I wanted to let you know you’re welcome to come.”

“Oh, you’re sweet. Maybe. I have a lot do here, though…” I said, helplessly. I had no memory of Roy giving people half the day off. There’d been almost no-one here anyway.

“Okay,” Talori said, drifting away. “Try not to stay here too late, okay?”

Nodding, I bid her goodbye and then gathered my things to go over upstairs. There was no one in the hallways or break room. The coffee pot was empty and when I went to refill it, I saw we were completely out of beans. With a frustrated sigh, I settled for a mug of hot water and wandered into the office. It was dark and cold. Too empty.

For a moment, I considered going home, but then I sternly shook myself. I was being foolish. Sitting at the table, it suddenly felt like it had been years since I’d sat on Roy without so much as a by your leave. Flushing, I wondered how I could have done that.

Fiddling with my phone, I checked my messages again and considered texting Roy back. But I couldn’t work up the nerve and instead let my head fall onto the table.

Closing my eyes, I wished he was here with me.

I slipped into a kind of waking dream, where thoughts bubbled and burst, scattering memories out of order, all while I slipped in and out sleep.

I had a dream that Roy came in, smiled and silently chuckled when he saw me, then sat down and got to work. He let me sleep and I couldn’t understand why.

Buzzing woke me up and I blinked as I lifted my head, fumbling for my phone. And as though it were a continuation of that bittersweet dream, I answered.