Chapter Twelve

Jack ran through the woods. He needed to run, needed to feel the burn in his lungs, but most of all he needed to clear his head. Now that his shift for the day was finally over, he needed to get out of the hotel and away from the constant questions that Nomsa had been firing at him like bullets for the past two days.

He knew she meant well, knew she loved both Jess and himself like a part of her own family, but he had no idea how to react, not at the moment. Jess was pregnant, and as far as he was aware no one else knew. What he really wanted was to get some time alone with Jess to talk about the baby, about how they both felt and, of course, he needed to know if Jess was as confused and scared about it all as he was. The problem was, every time he and Jess got the chance to speak, there seemed to be three or four other people in the vicinity who wanted to join in, which quite often included an eight-year-old little girl who seemed to cling to Jess like a limpet.

He’d never thought about becoming a father. Right now it had been the last thing on his mind, but now it was here, he wondered what the reality would be like. Would he know what to do? Who would teach him? He thought of how Nomsa and Madeleine would both help Jess, but for him there was no role model to look up to, no father figure to ask advice of and definitely no friends who’d already become parents. All he could think of was how he interacted with Poppy; was it the same with your own child, or different? He felt numb at the thought of it all and wasn’t sure what he should be feeling. Was the numbness normal?

He inhaled as he ran, stumbled over a fallen log covered in a pile of old, wet, fallen leaves, steadied his pace and then came to the conclusion that he felt as though a pressure had been placed on his shoulders, like a set of dumb-bells weighing him down with no chance of the weight relenting anytime soon. And that weight, he decided, was called responsibility. He was going to be a father, so much sooner than he’d ever thought, but now he had to ‘man up’, and take responsibility for a child he hadn’t planned. The thought spun around in his mind. The pregnancy was as much his doing as hers. It had taken two of them to have sex, and both of them had been more than aware of the consequences. He shook his head knowing how irresponsible they’d been. He hadn’t wanted a child. He hadn’t wanted this pregnancy. But he did want Jess. He loved her more than anything in the world. He couldn’t imagine life without her, but the reality was they were about to be married, about to become parents and they had nowhere to live. It hadn’t seemed important before; they lived in the hotel. But now he needed to find them somewhere to live as a family, a home to call their own.

Jack jumped over a small water inlet and almost tripped over a rock. He grabbed at a tree branch, caught his breath and then continued to run. He pushed on harder than normal, the need to feel the burn on his lungs overwhelming, and ran as fast as he could.

Everything in his life was going to change. Damn it, it had already changed.

After the trauma and upset of the year before he’d only just begun to settle. He’d finally allowed himself to relax and enjoy the little time he managed to spend with Jess outside of work. She’d decided that she’d train as a nurse, and had even enrolled on the course, initially spending a lot of hours studying. But Emily had been so dependant, and Jess found that she felt more useful at the Hall, helping Emily. So she’d quit and had taken on responsibilities here. She worked on reception each weekend and when they needed the cover during the week. The rest of the time she’d shared her day between Emily and Jack. But working alongside Jack was different to them spending time together. Quite often their shifts were different, or overlapped and it was on the days that Jack worked that Jess spent most of her time with Emily. She’d walk her around the garden, some days on foot, other days pushing her in the wheelchair, with Poppy and Buddy happily trotting behind. And on the days when Emily didn’t feel well enough to be outside, they’d sit together drinking tea, whilst all the time laughing and giggling, and talking about anything and everything they could think of.

When they’d least expected it, just two weeks before Christmas, Emily had taken to her bed mid-morning and died before tea. Then Jess’s father, a man she’d never met, had arrived right after the funeral, promptly collapsed on the doorstep, and to complete the whole explosion of events, Jess not only had an eight-year-old sister who she now had to look after, but she was pregnant with his baby. There was no wonder he felt confused.

He slowed his pace, came to a halt under a tree and tried to catch his breath while he thought things through. He had a list of all the things he wanted them to do together, all the places they should go, the holidays they should take and all the experiences they should have, all before having children. He’d wanted to do things properly, with the wedding coming first, but then he’d had ambitions of buying a house. Just a small one to start with, but somewhere away from the Hall. Their home would have been and should have been their new start. It should have been a place where they could spend a year or two of married life. Just the two of them. And in time he’d have most probably decorated a nursery, all ready for when they decided, together, to have a baby. He’d wanted to do that. He’d wanted to do all of that. But most of all he just wanted to be with Jess.

But now instead of the dreams of what they could or should have done, everything was decided. Their whole lives were now set in stone, and it was now up to him to take responsibility. Was everyone this nervous? Was every new father this scared of what was to come, of how they’d cope and how they’d provide everything that was needed?

It had been raining overnight, so the ground was sodden, and the puddles were larger than normal. He leaned against a tree and immediately droplets of water fell from the branches above, like a thousand raindrops falling at once. He sighed, shook the water from his hair and looked up and into the branches. He’d spent most of his childhood climbing trees, rummaging for apples and running through the woods. He thought back to his mother, how happy she’d been when he’d brought the apples home. She’d hug him and make a pie for tea. Jack smiled. His mother had been a single parent, one who could seemingly turn any foraged food into a banquet. Even so, he’d watched her struggle for years. The terraced house they’d lived in had been old, with single glazing, and they’d burnt anything they could in the open fire grate each evening just to keep warm. He’d watched her going without, making do, and not just with material things, but food too. He’d not seen it as a child, but as an adult it had become more than apparent that she’d spent years making excuses to him of not being hungry, or pretending to have eaten earlier, when in actual fact she’d have barely eaten at all. And all because she had a responsibility to him, to ensure that he was always fed and well looked after. And he applauded her; he’d never gone without. He’d been almost an adult before he’d asked her what it had been like for her, a question he should have asked so many years before. But as only a mother could, she’d simply replied, ‘My darling boy, I would have given my last breath for you and to bring you up alone was not a hardship. Not to me.’ Jack had never known who his father had been. Had never known how life would have been with a father in the house, or what a father’s role was.

Jack’s mind was engulfed with questions. If he was about to become a father, then he wanted to do it right, be the best he could be, but how could he do that when he’d never experienced how a father was with their children?

He felt the anger grow within him, his whole body beginning to shake. He wondered where his father was now, what had become of him and whether he too would turn up on the doorstep of the hotel one day, hoping for a big reunion. And what if he did turn up? How would he feel? Would he be like Jess and welcome him with open arms? He shook his head. No, he wouldn’t, he just knew he wouldn’t. Was that why he was acting so out of character with Jess’s father? Was he angry with him for being Jess’s father and not his? And if that was the case, was that fair to Jess?

He kicked at the tree causing more drops of water to fall. He’d wanted more for his own children. He’d wanted them to have so much more than he’d ever had and had always promised himself that by the time he had a son or a daughter, he’d have a home with a garden and savings. He’d wanted them to have somewhere they could play, somewhere he could run around and play with them, and somewhere he could keep them safe.

Was that too much to ask? Was he being unreasonable? Did he have a right to feel angry that his plans had been thrown up in the air?

He sighed. He knew that Jess was still annoyed with him, that he’d been wrong to go to the hospital to challenge Bastion with an onslaught of questions. But he’d only been trying to find out who Bastion really was and why he was there. He’d only been thinking of Jess. He’d been trying to protect her because he knew how hurt she’d be if Bastion Collymore was a fraud, and wasn’t her father at all.

‘Were you annoyed? Annoyed that it wasn’t your father that turned up?’ Jack questioned himself. But then he kicked himself; he’d seen how excited and happy Jess had been. She’d been to the hospital with Lily and spent time with Bastion. She’d spoken of how, through the newspaper clipping, he’d found her. How he and her mother had been more than a one-night stand. He’d used the word love, said that he’d loved her enough to let her go. What did that mean? What’s more, he’d told Jess that he was more than willing to take a DNA test, that he had no doubt what the result would be. Jack remembered how silently he’d sat at the kitchen table while Jess had rambled on to him and Nomsa. How on the one hand he’d wanted to be excited for her, but on the other he’d wished for none of it to be true and how he wanted to turn the clock back by at least two weeks, to a time when life had seemed so much simpler and he’d felt more in control.

Jack began to run back towards the house, through the trees, down the lane and into the clearing. He stopped in his tracks to take in the Hall’s beauty with its bell tower, gargoyles and the new windows that had been recently placed in the tower room, giving the room a whole new existence after having been hidden away for so many years. He loved to see the house at this time of night, as darkness began to fall and the Christmas lights shone out from the lower windows, and big white puffs of smoke bellowed out from the chimneys.

He took in a deep and determined breath. He needed to speak to Jess. He needed to tell her that it would all be okay and that he’d find a way to look after her, even though right now he had no idea how. He looked up to the sky. ‘I don’t normally pray, God, but if ever you wanted to throw me a miracle, now would be a great time to do it,’ he said with a smile, and ran back to the Hall.