Chapter Ten

Jess looked at the clock for what seemed like the tenth time in less than an hour. Its bright blue numbers illuminated the corner of the darkened room and Jess put her arm over her eyes to stop the glare. They hurt from lack of sleep. The conversation with Jack the night before hadn’t gone well. They’d talked for far too many hours, gone round in far too many circles. Deep down she knew that Jack loved her, but he’d made it more than clear that being a father had been the last thing on his agenda, which made Jess more than aware of the tension that now hung between them. It was a tension she hated and one she wanted put an end to as soon as she possibly could.

She’d known that springing the pregnancy on Jack had been bad timing. Yesterday had been traumatic for everyone, but she’d hoped he would have been happy or just a little excited and that he would have embraced the news. But all that had happened over the course of the day had left him far too mixed up. She’d only found out she was pregnant a couple of days before Emily had died; she’d tried to tell him how confused she’d been, how frightened and full of doubt, but then how quickly she’d come to realise that whatever happened, she already loved their baby, and was already prepared to protect it with her life. She knew he’d come round, and felt sure that given time, he’d feel exactly the same. All he had to do was get used to the idea that becoming a father would be a good thing.

It had been midnight when they’d gone to bed. Jack had kissed her gently on the lips. A single kiss that had promised nothing, before standing up and going to their room, alone, while Jess had gone to stay with Lily, knowing that she couldn’t risk the child waking up in a strange house, scared and alone.

Jess had eventually sobbed herself to sleep and now squinted in order to look back at the clock. It was just after six o’clock in the morning. It was still cold and dark outside and Jess quietly climbed out of bed. She inched herself into her slippers and walked over to the window to peep out over the national park. She smiled as she caught sight of the deer in the distance and noticed a doe and her fawn feeding on the dew covered grass, a sight she often saw early in the mornings. The views that could be seen from the Hall were something she’d never tire of. Each month or season had its special moment, and its own miracle of nature. The view from every single window was stunning, picturesque, and she still found it hard to believe that Jack didn’t see the Hall as somewhere they’d live forever. He’d spoken of getting a house, a home somewhere else, somewhere to bring up their baby away from the Hall, away from this beauty. Leaving Wrea Head was the last thing she ever wanted to do. She was happy here, and more than anything she wanted to stay and be close to Madeleine, especially after the baby was born.

Jess glanced back at the twin bed that stood behind her and squinted in an attempt to make out the tiny shape of Lily, who like her had tossed and turned for so many hours that at one point, Jess had climbed into her bed with her and had held her as she’d whimpered and sobbed in her sleep. Jess felt her own heart shatter into a million pieces, not only for herself, but for a child, who at just eight years old was so distressed that her sleep was disturbed in such a sad and dramatic way.

Jess inched closer to Lily’s bed and carefully pulled the duvet down. Just a little at first, in an attempt to expose her face, but the bed was empty. The sudden realisation sent her into a blind panic and she dropped to her knees, looked under the bed, under the unit and then ran to the bathroom, throwing open the door. She switched the light on, but the room was empty.

‘Lily, come out, honey, where are you?’ She hoped that the little girl was hiding, but it soon became obvious that she wasn’t and Jess wondered how a small, defenceless child had somehow managed to get herself up and out of the room without being heard. She had no idea how had that happened, Jess was sure she’d barely slept, or had she?

She threw on a pair of jogging bottoms and a T-shirt, before running out of the room. Her feet were cold and bare, but it didn’t matter, she didn’t care. Her eyes searched the hallway, looking over the balustrade and scanning all around her.

‘Lily.’ Her voice was just above a whisper. ‘Lily, where are you?’ She spun around on the spot, pulled open the door that led to a small corridor, where rooms one, two and the Ennis Suite stood, but the corridor was empty, making Jess turn around and head for the stairs. ‘Lily, come on, honey, come out,’ she whispered as she ran.

Where would you go? Where would you hide? Jess wondered as she reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped into the reception area.

‘Ann, did … did you see Lily?’ she asked as the night manager looked up from her paperwork, put her pen down on the desk and smiled.

‘Of course. I think you’ll find she went that way.’ She pointed towards the kitchen. ‘She’s with Nomsa. She came down around twenty minutes ago. Chatted to me for a bit.’ She smiled. ‘She’s such a lovely girl,’ Ann said, unaware of the panic Jess was in. ‘You should have known where to find her. Kids today, they always head to where the food is. It’s what Poppy always does, especially when Nomsa is making pancakes.’

Jess felt relieved, but then angry all at once. Was this what it would be like to be a mother? Would her life be consumed by the terror of keeping her child safe? Would she always panic, each and every time she lost sight of them? And how capable was she of being a mother, when she’d managed to lose Lily from an enclosed room, within twenty-four hours of taking responsibility for her?

Jess moved through the dining room and opened the door that led towards the warmth and security of the Hall’s kitchen. The smell of fresh baked bread, bacon, and chocolate brownies seeped out of the room and Jess breathed in, just as her stomach let out a humongous growl. It was certainly loud enough to give away the fact that after not eating the night before, she’d become beyond hungry.

It was then that she heard the sound of little girls giggling and stopped in her tracks to take in the noise. It was beautiful, and without a doubt the most innocent sound she’d ever heard. She listened for just a few moments more before stepping forward and into the kitchen.

She stared at the sight before her and couldn’t help but laugh at Nomsa who was dancing on the spot, wiggling her broad hips while holding a pan in each hand, from which she flipped pancakes simultaneously, much to the delight of both Lily and Poppy, who sat eating them as fast as Nomsa could make them.

‘Eat them up, my lovelies, there’s more in Nomsa’s pan when you’ve eaten those,’ she sang as she turned to Jess. ‘Ahhh, there you are, my gorgeous girl. How are you doing this morning?’ Nomsa’s eyes searched hers. ‘You look a little peaky. Now, you sit yourself down and let Nomsa get you some breakfast. We have pancakes with blueberries, banana and chocolate sauce, or you could wait just another six minutes and there will be chocolate brownies hot out of the oven. Do you fancy some?’ She sang out the words, then turned to put the frying pans down and leaned across and picked up the kettle. ‘Tea or coffee?’ she asked as she placed a mug down on the long oak table in front of where Jess had now sat. ‘Ah, let me guess. Coffee in the morning, tea at night. Isn’t that what you normally say, my girl?’

Jess smiled. No matter what was happening or what had happened around the Hall, Nomsa was almost always jolly, kind and generous. Jess took in a deep breath, smelt the air and came to the conclusion that even at that early hour, she could have murdered the chocolate brownies, but didn’t trust herself enough to eat the sugary content and not throw them straight back up.

‘Just coffee, thanks. I’m going to the hospital later. Thought I’d take Lily into Scarborough first, get her some new shoes and a coat and then take her to see her father.’ Jess saw Lily’s face light up, but Poppy’s frown. ‘Don’t worry, Poppy. Aunty Jess will buy you something too,’ she said as Poppy began to giggle.

‘Aunty Jess, we had chocolate sauce … for our breakfast,’ Poppy announced, pushing a huge piece of pancake into her mouth, making her cheeks bulge out like a hamster.

Jess smiled and shook her head as Nomsa filled her mug full of fresh aromatic coffee. ‘That father of yours, he seems like a really nice man,’ she said, and blushed as she put two slices of bread in the toaster. She then passed Jess her coffee, picked up her own mug and stirred the contents, before taking a sip.

The smell of the coffee immediately made Jess’s stomach turn and she pushed the mug away. ‘Actually, wow … err, can … can I have tea instead? Yes, tea. Tea would be good,’ she rambled as she stood up from the table and walked to the back door, opened it and allowed the fresh winter air to blow over her face.

Nomsa looked over at Bernie the chef, who turned away, pursed his lips and continued stirring his hollandaise sauce. ‘Two eggs Benedict, ready to go,’ he shouted as he poured the sauce over the poached eggs and passed the plates to head waiter Len, who was ready to take them to the guests.

Jess had seen the knowing expression on their faces and she’d had no choice but to look away, out of the door and across the yard towards where the greenhouse stood and where Bandit was working. He waved and Jess thought of the day he’d saved Poppy from the falling glass. Since then the greenhouse had been restored; the wooden structure was now all new and the original glass had been replaced. So much had happened here in the past year that everyone had got to know each other just a little too well. Which meant that she couldn’t lie to Nomsa. She couldn’t trust herself to look her in the face without telling her about the baby and knew that if she did, one too many questions would be asked and, for now, she wanted to wait until both she and Jack had come to terms with the idea before telling everyone else. Suddenly she realised just how difficult keeping her secret might be.

‘Here you go, these are for table seven,’ Bernie said as he finished loading a tray of toast, tea, cups, saucers and miniature jam pots. He passed them to Len, who’d returned to the kitchen. He smiled and took the tray.

‘Thank you,’ Len said. ‘Now, table two would like eggs Benedict, one with ham, the other with bacon. And table four is a full English breakfast, with poached eggs and no black pudding.’ Len had worked at the hotel for years; he, like Nomsa, had been one of the original staff and Jess smiled as he turned and walked out of the room. She then watched as Nomsa began to fill a miniature wicker box with a couple of brownies, a piece of carrot cake and a buttered scone, before she sat down and patted the bench, insisting that Jess sat with her.

Jess did as she was told and received a quick hug from Nomsa.

‘But, Nomsa, when did you meet my father … I mean … I didn’t realise you’d spent that much time with Bastion.’ Jess popped a cube of sugar into her mug and began to stir the tea.

‘Awww, of course I met him. He was here waiting for you yesterday. You both sat right there … didn’t you, chicken?’ Nomsa directed the question at Lily, smiled and watched as the child nodded with enthusiasm. ‘It took him a while to admit who he was, but once he did, he was just a little more than excited that he was going to finally meet you in person. Told me how happy he was, how he’d seen the article in the newspaper last year and how he’d hoped that one day he’d pluck up the courage to come here and find you.’

Nomsa’s hands automatically went to Poppy’s knife and fork; she picked them up and cut what remained of the pancake into pieces. ‘Did you know you were named after his grandmother?’ She looked Jess directly in the eyes and raised her eyebrows. ‘Yes, you were, he told us all about it.’ She laughed. ‘Your daddy, he liked my baking, didn’t he, Lily?’ She nodded while filling two glasses with milk from the jug, and pushed them in the children’s direction. ‘He was starving, ate two of my scones, said they were the best he’d ever tasted and then he drank a whole bucketful of my tea while he waited for you to come back from the funeral.’

Jess laughed. ‘Ahhh, that’s what it was … it was your scones. They’re what probably put him in the hospital.’ She tried to lighten the mood, but still felt puzzled. Lily had told her about going home to an empty flat, that they thought her mummy had taken their things. But it still wasn’t clear why he’d set off to travel across half the country in the middle of winter to find her.

Nomsa stood up and swiped at Jess with a tea towel. ‘Hey, cheeky, people drive for miles to eat my scones. The Women’s Institute come every Monday and Friday, they all love them,’ she said, filling the kettle and placing it back on the Aga. The smell of fresh toast filled the room as it popped up in the toaster. Nomsa grabbed it and placed the slices on a plate, where she buttered them and then pushed the plate across the table to where Jess sat. ‘I think you should eat something. Might help you feel a little better, you know, a little less on the peaky side. And help yourself to the jams. They’re a good pick me up.’ She pointed to the selection that stood in the centre of the table. ‘The sugar, it might help,’ she said, with a knowing smile.

‘But …’ Jess’s eyes pleaded with Nomsa’s. ‘How did he find me?’

‘He recognised your mother, of course. What happened here was big news, it hit all the national papers and he spotted your mum, along with a picture of you and the others.’ Nomsa sat back down and lovingly held her hand.

‘There were a lot of newspaper articles, but none of them were really about me. More about Liam, about what he’d done and how he’d almost killed Maddie. He was her fiancé, not mine, and the fact that he almost killed me too was pretty much brushed over by the press. So, I don’t get it.’ Jess looked down at their entwined hands. Nomsa had become a huge part of her life, and for a moment Jess wondered what she’d ever do without her. The thought brought tears to her eyes. She had no doubt that Nomsa had taken to her father, but had no idea why he’d told her so much, and in such a short time. ‘He told you I’d been named after his grandmother?’ she questioned. ‘Why would he do that? I wasn’t even aware that my mother knew his grandma, she’d always been quite certain that I’d been the result of a one-night stand. And apparently he’d travelled all the way from London? What the hell was he doing right down there?’

Nomsa nodded. ‘Maybe your mother had a good reason to let you think that, honey. Maybe she needed to keep him a secret. Only he can explain now and as for London, that’s where your mother used to live, when they first met. Bastion said that it was where she lived with Morris, Madeleine’s father. You were just a toddler at nursery when you moved to Yorkshire.’

Jess shook her head. ‘But I don’t remember moving.’ She pondered for a moment, and sighed. ‘Why all the secrets and lies? Why did Mum let me think that he’d been a sailor who’d gone back to sea, without ever knowing that I existed?’ She paused and looked at Bernie who’d stopped cooking and was listening. ‘Do you think he was more than a one-night stand to her? I mean, it sounds as though he was.’

‘Honey, I don’t know. All I do know is that he’s here now. He came to find you and you have a chance to get to know him, to be with him and to learn all about him. Don’t throw that chance away. As I said, he seems really nice,’ Nomsa said as Poppy climbed onto her knee. Her arms immediately went around Nomsa’s neck and the four-year-old snuggled in. ‘Hey you, don’t get comfy.’ Nomsa laughed as she began to tickle the child. ‘I’ve got some work to do and you … you have to go and play with Lily.’ She kissed Poppy on the forehead before picking her up and placing her back on the floor. ‘Now then, Jess, will either Maddie or Jack be going to the hospital with you?’

Jess shook her head and sighed. ‘No, Nomsa. I think that this is one trip that Lily and I should do alone. I guess that this is one conversation that’s waited for far too long and, to be honest, I guess there might be a few tricky questions that I need to ask. Besides, Maddie has things to do here. Christmas is nearly upon us and Jack … well, Jack’s kind of busy too.’

Nomsa smiled, nodded, turned and pulled Jess into a hug. Jess held onto her as tightly as she could, knowing that here, in this kitchen, with this wonderful woman, everything was good and she always felt safe and loved.

‘Oh, Nomsa, what would I do without you?’ Jess wanted to tell Nomsa everything, wanted her advice, and a small sob left her throat as she tried to decide what to do. Did she tell Nomsa all, or did she wait to tell everyone until after Christmas or even after the wedding?

‘There, there, my girl. I’m not going anywhere.’ She patted Jess on the back and then held her at arm’s length to look into her face. ‘I’m always here for you, honey, you know that.’

‘I know you’re not going anywhere, Nomsa. But I’m not so sure about Jack.’ She swallowed hard as she spoke, knowing she’d already said more than she should have. ‘Things have gone all wrong,’ she whispered, careful not to speak too loud. ‘Last night he was so very different. He doesn’t like the fact that …’ She looked around, checking to make sure no one else was listening, and whispered, ‘Bastion. Jack isn’t happy. He’s talking DNA tests and everything.’ A second sob left her throat and she buried her face in Nomsa’s shoulder.

‘Oh, Jess. Don’t you ever doubt his love for you, my lovely girl. Whatever’s been said, he loves you. I just know it. And do you know what? He’s right. You should get a test, it’s the right thing to do.’ Her voice sang out as she rocked Jess back and forth in her arms. ‘And if he is your daddy, then you can get on with your lives without any doubt in your mind. Think of the positives.’ She leaned back and smiled. ‘Anyone from twenty miles away would be able to see how much you and Jack love each other.’ Once again she pulled away and looked directly into Jess’s tear-filled eyes. ‘Trust me. He’s probably just a little confused, some things take a little getting used to. A lot has happened over the past year. He’s been patient, he’s stood back and waited and, if I’m right, he won’t want to be sharing you, not with anyone. Not for a long time.’

Deep down Jess knew that Nomsa was right, as always. Jack had as much as admitted that he didn’t want to share her. He’d never wanted to share her. Not with Emily, not with Maddie, and now not even with her father or his own child. But she wanted this baby so much and she couldn’t imagine it not being there, not now. Already she felt protective towards it and she knew with certainty that she’d never do anything to hurt her unborn child. In fact she’d do everything she could to protect it.

She felt torn in two and sighed. She loved Jack so much, the whole wedding had been planned and every little detail discussed. She had the most beautiful dress, and she had the shoes. But now she wondered if there would be a wedding at all – Emily’s death, Bastion turning up and Jack’s reaction to the baby had shaken her badly and she just wasn’t so sure about the direction her life was taking her in any more.

She took a deep breath and pulled herself out of Nomsa’s arms. ‘Nomsa, maybe this last year has been too much for him. I mean, not many fiancés have had to go through what he has.’ She tried to smile. ‘He might have had enough, and this … Bastion turning up … this could all be just one thing too many for him.’