Chapter Eighteen

Bastion zipped his freshly washed coat up and pushed his hands into the gloves that Nomsa had borrowed for him from Bandit. He rubbed his hands together, appreciative that they were warm and stepped out onto the veranda that led to the garden. He walked along the path towards the lawn, where he’d spotted some wooden bench seating from his bedroom window. The thought of sitting outside had seemed like a good idea, but now he felt the cold begin to penetrate, making his lungs tighten, and he wondered if he ought to take himself back inside to the warmth of the kitchen, where he could sit at the table, drink tea and watch Nomsa dance around the room while making something amazing for lunch.

He shuffled around on the wooden bench in search of a comfortable position. The bench was to one side of the lawn, at the back of the Hall and was overlooked by the vast conservatory, which was now full of guests, some taking morning coffee, others sitting with newspapers outstretched, and one man pacing up and down looking out at the view. But all seemed sensible enough on such a cold winter’s morning to stay inside, where it was warm.

He took in a deep breath. It was a relief not to cough every time he breathed in and he smiled in the knowledge that the antibiotics must have finally begun to work. He hoped that soon he’d be well enough to sort out his life, once and for all. He needed to take control, search for work and earn enough money to give Lily a proper home. She needed a place to live where she’d be safe, somewhere warm and cosy, with a real bed, a duvet and a bathroom of their own, just like they had here at the Hall. But he wasn’t crazy, he knew that it would all take time. The council might offer them a place to begin with, but to get something of their own choice would mean earning money; even if he got a job right away and saved for a year, the best he’d manage would be a small deposit to rent an even smaller flat. But it didn’t matter, he needed to get some self-respect. If he at least had that, he’d be in a better position to think about moving forward. And maybe then, he’d be able to ask Nomsa to go out with him for a drink, a meal, or even on a real date.

He took a moment to stare up at the Hall. To take in its beauty. He still couldn’t believe that he’d got here, that he’d found Jess, his first-born child. That she’d not only accepted him, but had welcomed him with open arms, and that right now he was breathing in the clean country air, rather than the diesel fumes and smog of the city. It seemed like a different life and he nodded gratefully. It was a different life.

He listened carefully. Somewhere in the distance he could hear the giggles and squeals of both Lily and Poppy, interspersed by the odd bark from Buddy, who was no doubt bouncing around them both in true Springer Spaniel style. It was a pure and innocent sound that rippled through the bare trees like wind chimes. There were so many sounds, so pure that he’d barely ever heard them with the same clarity before. The city traffic normally overpowered any birdsong in London, except for the pigeons that just clucked and swooped at food. A smile crossed his face and he made a wish: he wished that the birdsong would be a sound he’d be able to listen to just a little more often.

Bastion looked through the dining room window and caught sight of Nomsa, who had stopped clearing a table, glanced up, smiled and waved. ‘You’re a fine woman,’ he whispered to himself as he wondered what his chances were of staying in the north, and staying close to her. Not at Wrea Head Hall, of course, but here, in Scarborough. He liked it here; he wanted to stay in this place where he would be near all of these gentle, loving people, who for the first time in his life had made him feel part of a family, part of something worthy; where he’d always have the fresh air, the sea views; and, most importantly, where he could be near to both of his daughters.

He still couldn’t believe he’d actually found Jess. But he was grateful for whatever madness had brought him here that day. Grateful that he had his little Lily, grateful that she was safe, that she’d got to meet her sister and, for however long they were allowed to stay, that she got to live in a house like this one.

His eyes drifted up to the roof, to the gargoyles that looked down upon him, and the multiple chimneys that pointed upwards.

‘Bastion, do you have a minute?’ Jack asked as he walked out of the conservatory with purpose, closed the door behind him and stepped onto the pebbled path with two mugs in his hands.

Bastion looked him up and down. ‘Are you here to interrogate me further, Jack?’ he replied, and pulled his coat tightly around himself like a protective cloak. ‘Because if you are—’

‘Hey, I come bearing gifts, it’s a peace offering. Nomsa sent this.’ Jack held a mug out towards him. ‘It’s beefy Bovril. I think she’s worried you’ll freeze out here. She keeps walking into the dining room, just to spy on you and make sure you’re still alive.’

‘Thank you.’ Bastion took the mug and held it between his hands, allowing the warmth to seep through his gloves. ‘I’m sure I won’t freeze. Nomsa gave me a spare pair of Bandit’s gloves to borrow, a scarf and an extra chunky jumper to wear. I think she’d have given me thermal knickers too, if only I’d have said I needed them.’ He glanced back at the dining room window, to where Nomsa still hovered, duster in hand now. He smiled at her and raised the mug in thanks.

‘See,’ Jack said. ‘She doesn’t even trust me to pass on the Bovril to you without checking that I did it right.’ They both laughed, as Jack sat down beside him. ‘Nomsa sure likes to look after you, doesn’t she?’ Jack held onto his own mug and for a few minutes they both sat silently and stared at the view.

Bastion eventually nodded his head. ‘If only I were worthy, Jack. She’s a good woman, makes me wonder why she isn’t married. She’d sure make someone a great wife.’

Jack sipped his drink. ‘Are you digging for information?’ He glanced across and smiled. ‘Nomsa has never been married. We often tell her to go out more, to join an online dating site or something like that, but she’s always here, looking after us, even on her days off. So I’d kind of say that the chances of her meeting someone would be a tad remote.’ Jack once again sipped his drink. ‘Only place she’d be likely to meet anyone would be here, at the Hall.’ He raised an eyebrow as he spoke. ‘But you normally find that most folk who come here are already part of a couple.’

Bastion took in the information. It was true, he did want to find out more about Nomsa, but he hadn’t expected Jack to tell him so easily, or so freely. He sighed, and for a moment wished that Jack really had sat down to pass the time of day, to talk about Nomsa and give him the answers that gave him hope for the future, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think that this was just a casual conversation. No, this was all about Jess, and about him turning up here.

‘I know it’s not my place to say this, but I’m guessing that Jess might be pregnant … right?’ Bastion suddenly blurted out and watched as Jack went pale and almost jumped up from the bench.

‘Yes, sir, she is.’ Jack paused and nodded. ‘Did she tell you?’

Bastion shook his head. ‘No, Jack. She didn’t say a word. But I’d be a fool not to work it out. She looks green first thing in the morning, has done each morning I’ve seen her. She’s emotional, she can’t stand the smell of coffee, and the mention of a bacon sandwich sent her running from the kitchen with a napkin held up to her mouth. Just one too many signs, I’d say and, to be honest, since I’ve been here, I’ve got to know Jess the least of everyone; if I’ve worked it out, I don’t think the others will be too far behind me.’

‘Ahhh …’ Jack looked down at the floor. ‘I see …’

‘Do you?’ The words were simple, but Jack looked as though he had the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders. It was a weight that Bastion had known all too well, just over twenty years before, when Jess’s mum, Margaret, had announced to him that she was pregnant.

‘I guess I’m still in shock. Jess only told me a couple of nights ago.’ He held the mug to his lips and sipped. ‘So much has happened around here lately … it’s all been a bit of a surprise, and … if I’m being totally honest, I really didn’t want to be a father, not yet.’

Bastion stood up and stretched. ‘It is a shock, I agree. Being told that I was going to be a father was something I never thought I’d hear, no, no, not in a million years, and, seeing as we’re being honest with each other, I can tell you now that when Margaret, Jess’s mum, told me she was pregnant, I didn’t take it too well either.’

‘So you knew about Jess, about the pregnancy?’

‘Of course I knew. Margaret and I had been seeing each other for a few months. She’d been unhappy at home. Morris had changed towards her after Madeleine was born and Margaret felt as though the only reason he was still around was for the child. So she and I got close. Too close. And when she found out that she was pregnant, she was in quite a panic and told me right away. But she was married, you see, and even though things had been strained, she’d slept with the both of us and she had no idea which one of us the father would be.’ He paused for a while and looked thoughtful. ‘She was a good woman, Jack. She put her family first and, for Madeleine’s sake, she decided to try and save her marriage.’

‘I see.’ Jack sighed. ‘At least I don’t have that problem, do I? You know, no other fathers in the running.’ He kicked at the pebbles that covered the path. ‘So what did you do?’

Bastion thought for a moment. ‘Well, I wasn’t really ready for responsibility, that’s for sure, and when Margaret said that her marriage had to come first I acted like any twenty-year-old acts when the love of your life tells you that she’d rather be with someone else. I buried my head in the sand. I turned into a party animal. I went out on the town and decided that if I ignored the fact that I was about to become a father, it wouldn’t be true.’ He paused and sighed. ‘It was self-preservation, Jack. I tried to distance myself, just in case the baby wasn’t mine. Even though deep inside, I kind of knew that she would be.’ Bastion’s tear-filled eyes looked into Jack’s, to see a young, confused man, who looked as though he was having a personal battle with the outside world.

‘So you walked away, you abandoned them?’

Bastion sat back down, his hand patted Jack’s knee. ‘No, son. I didn’t abandon them. I just did what Margaret asked. I stepped back. I didn’t fight for them, when in reality I should have and, by the time I realised what was important to me, it was far too late.’

Jack cocked his head on one side. ‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning that by the time I saw Margaret again, she was pushing a pram down the street. Morris had realised that Jess wasn’t his, and he’d left her. And then, because I hadn’t fought to keep her, she didn’t want me any more. I’d lost my chance.’

‘But you loved her?’

‘Oh, yes I did. I loved her very much, my boy, but you can’t keep loving someone who doesn’t love you back. She’d stopped loving me, you see.’

‘But what about Jess?’

‘Well, I can tell you now that I looked into that pram, and within a split second my heart filled with more love than you can ever imagine and then without warning my heart broke into a million pieces, all at once.’ He stood up again and began to pace. ‘I knew she was mine, but, from how Margaret reacted, I knew she’d never be a part of my life and that she’d never be allowed look up to me and call me her daddy.’

Jack pondered the information. ‘But when I saw you at the hospital you told me that Jess was named after your grandmother.’

Bastion looked sad. ‘And she was. It was the one thing Margaret did for me.’ He took a deep breath and began to cough violently, making Jack turn in concern.

‘Hey, come on, sit back down. Are … are you okay? Shall I get you inside?’ Jack stood up and held a hand out to where Bastion stood. ‘Water, I’ll bring water.’ He turned to walk away, but Bastion grabbed his arm and shook his head.

‘I’m fine,’ Bastion said and caught his breath. ‘It comes and goes.’ His chest hurt like hell, but he knew that talking to Jack was important. ‘Please, I need to finish the story, you need to know what really happened,’ he continued.

Jack sat back down. ‘Okay, go on.’

Bastion swallowed hard and stared wistfully into the distance. ‘As I said, Jess was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen, and my heart melted and I fell in love with her immediately.’

Jack looked puzzled. ‘So why the hell did you disappear for twenty years? She needed you so much, do you know that?’

‘I didn’t disappear, Jack. I was around, at least for the first few years, it’s just that Jess didn’t know.’ Once again he began to cough, and took a final sip of the Bovril. ‘You see Margaret didn’t want me, she wanted Morris.’ He stopped speaking and turned to Jack. ‘She thought that Morris would come back, because of Maddie. She knew how much he loved her and was sure that he’d accept Jess as his own. So for her sake, for both Maddie and Jess’s sake, I walked away with my dignity intact, and the only way I ever got to see them was from a distance.’ Bastion once again cocked his head to one side. A shrill squeal was followed by a deep voice, another squeal, a giggle and then a bark or two as Buddy joined in the game. ‘Do you hear that, Jack? Do you? That’s the sound of children’s happiness. Isn’t it beautiful?’

Jack paused for a moment and Bastion saw a smile cross his face as the sound of little girl giggles filled the air. ‘Bandit, he’s been sent to play with them … well, he was in charge of watching them, sounds like he’s running around revving them both up.’ They both sat for a moment and listened. ‘So how do you manage to see someone, you know, from a distance?’ Jack finally asked as he took the mug from Bastion’s hand and placed it on the floor next to his.

Bastion laughed. ‘Well, my boy, I pretty much turned into a stalker. I’d see them going out – Margaret, Madeleine and Jess – and I’d follow. I’d watch Margaret pushing the pram and deep inside, my heart was breaking and I wished I could push it too.’ He paused and thought for a moment. ‘As they got older, Margaret would take them both to the park and I’d sit on a distant bench and watch them play on the swings, the roundabout and the slide. I once saw Jess fall off and it took every ounce of strength I had not to run across the park, pick her up and cuddle her till she stopped crying. But I couldn’t you see. Jess wouldn’t have known who I was. I could have scared her and Margaret would have realised that I was there and what I was doing.’ Once again he stood up and stretched before continuing. ‘And on Jess’s first day at nursery, I stood on the street corner, behind the conifers and watched her trot up the road with her mother and with her sister by her side, both of them all dressed up in their matching uniforms. They looked so very pretty in their red and white gingham dresses, I even took a photograph. Each night before I slept I said a prayer and hoped that Margaret would contact me. But then … they moved. Margaret moved out of London. The next time I heard from her she was living in North Yorkshire. She wrote and told me she was happy, that Jess was doing okay and that moving away from London had been the best thing she could have done, for all of them.’ He swallowed hard. ‘It was hard for me to hear that the best thing for my daughter was being over two hundred miles away from me, but what could I do? It was much too far for me to travel, and besides I didn’t have an address, just a location. All I knew was that she was in North Yorkshire.’ He coughed, and sighed. ‘Morris remarried soon after. Which meant that it had all been pointless. Margaret could have stayed in London and we … we could have been a family. We could have had a good life and, if I’m honest, Jack, my heart tore itself in two.’ He walked onto the grass and stared at the sheep. They were all standing by the wall looking up at the ha-ha and seemed to stare back at him with a look of hope that their food would come soon.

Jack simply studied the ground. ‘It must have been hard. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if Jess left, if she took the baby with her. It’d kill me if I never saw either of them again.’

Bastion nodded in agreement. ‘It was hard, Jack. But I didn’t fight to keep them. I should have and I only have myself to blame. And that’s why, for all of your sakes, if you want this baby and if you want Jess to be a part of your life, you have to come to terms with what’s happening … and real fast, my boy.’ Again he coughed, paused and caught his breath. ‘I really do wish I’d fought for them more. My whole life would have been different. I missed all those firsts with Jess, all the love, the cuddles, the bedtime stories, everything I should have been there for …’ He paused and a sob left his throat.

‘So why now? Why after all this time would you come and find her?’ Jack looked up and stared out at the trees and Bastion followed his gaze, watching a squirrel who ran between the bushes, in and out, weaving a path through the longer grass, digging in the lawn for his food.

‘You see that squirrel, Jack?’ he asked and pointed. ‘He’s looking … no, he’s searching for what he’s lost. He knows he had food, knows he buried it somewhere, but he can’t remember what he did with it. Yet he knows that if he tries hard enough, if he keeps sniffing around, searches and keeps going, eventually he’ll find what he should have never let go of in the first place, and that’s just like me.’ He took a step towards the trees. ‘When I lost Margaret and Jess, I made a decision that I’d never love again. It had hurt me far too much. So I spent my time working, and drinking and then I met Annie and for a while my life was good. But one hit of heroin too many turned her into an addict and only then did I find out who she really was.’ He shook his head from side to side. ‘I discovered she was a high-class hooker, an escort. She got paid for dressing up, for going out with rich clients and giving them the extras.’ He looked back at Jack. ‘That’s right, my boy, my Lily came from a high-class hooker who turned into a dirty prostitute when the rich guys didn’t want her any more.’ He walked back to the seat and patted Jack on the shoulder. ‘My beautiful Lily, she has a hooker for a mother, a mother who didn’t want her, who abandoned her when she was just a few months old. A mother who chose drugs over her own child. Does that shock you, Jack?’

Jack spun and stared at Bastion with disbelief in his eyes. ‘But, that’s awful. Prostitute or not, why would she abandon her own baby, her own daughter?’

Bastion watched Jack’s mannerisms and could see the moment the realisation of what he’d just said strike home.

Bastion stood for a moment, his breathing was laboured, and he patted Jack on the shoulder. ‘Exactly, my boy. Why would she? And now I need to go and lie down. I think my work here is done and you, you know what you need to do.’