Chapter Thirty-Eight

Annie leaned back in the van seat and closed her eyes as the effects of the drugs took hold. She’d done it, she’d done what he’d said and she’d felt the excitement hit her when Griff had passed her a bag of crack. It had been like he’d given her a present, a treat for behaving and for doing well. And she’d wasted no time in using the stash. She drifted in and out of sleep, and for a while, her mind was content.

But somewhere in the back of her mind there were annoying sounds. First there was the thunderous weather, the banging of raindrops and the flashes of lightning, but then from somewhere behind her came the sound of a child whimpering. Annie didn’t like the noise and found herself opening one eye to stare at where Lily crouched in the back of the van, on an old piece of smelly, wet carpet.

‘Stop bloody snivelling,’ Griff shouted, making Annie jump. She opened both of her eyes, and realised that they’d now left town and were already on the motorway. She hoped that they’d soon be back in London where she could put these past few days behind her and once again settle into the normality that was her life.

Annie observed her daughter, who stared back at her with wide open eyes. ‘Stop doing that,’ Annie said. ‘You don’t want to be annoying him, girl, he’s nasty.’ She didn’t want to look at Lily, didn’t want her accusing eyes gawking at her. What’s more she certainly didn’t want to think about what Griff had planned for her. She didn’t care, after all, it wouldn’t be her problem. Her problem was handing over the child and that was now done. Her debt was paid and now, now it was time she walked away and found a new patch to work, without a pimp. She thought about Bastion’s old flat, wondered whether it was still empty and as easy to break into as it always had been. She nodded. Yes, she’d go there. She’d hide out there until after Christmas, as no one would want her services, not this week and especially now she had some crack, she had no reason to work. She shook the bag and eyed its contents; there was enough in there to last her a few days, and when she got back to London, she’d retrieve the bag of stolen drugs that she had hidden in the cellar and she’d take it with her.

The pouring rain, along with the continuous swish of the windscreen wipers and the drone of the motorway, continued to be annoying. Annie stared at the child, just to kill the boredom. The girl had stopped whimpering and now lay curled up on the van floor where she slept. She was so tiny, so perfect and Annie complimented herself on how amazing she’d been to produce a whole person who could walk and talk so cleverly. It had never really occurred to her what she’d done before. For a few moments it was as though she was thinking in slow motion, moving her mind through mud. She tried to smile, knowing that the drugs were making her lips and mouth move in an odd manner, but she didn’t care. For now, she felt warm, happy and just a little content with her life.

The van jolted to a stop, crawled for a while and then quickly sped off as though nothing had happened. The monotony of the journey made her restless. The drugs had made her feel warm and sleepy and although she was now as high as she could get, she knew it wouldn’t last. The drugs overwhelmed her and she had the urge to close her eyes, but she didn’t dare; Griff was unpredictable, and now he had the child he had no need for her, and she began to wonder what he had in store for her. Would he allow her to walk, to get on with her life, or would he make more demands with the threat of his ever present flick knife?

But then, her body gave up and she drifted into sleep and began to dream. Griff was there with other men. They stood, leering, drool dripping down their chins and she could feel the look of dirty, pure evil in their eyes. It was an evil she’d seen so many times before, an evil that only came from the deprived, the sex starved and from the ones who liked to inflict pain, but this time they looked at the baby that she held in her arms. She glanced down to see Lily, new born and smelling of milk and talcum powder. It had been a time when Annie had been happy, when she’d been with Bastion, when she’d felt loved, cared for and full of hope for the future. But then, without warning, Griff grabbed the baby from her. He held her up in the air like a prize trophy that he’d won, his eyes lit up all the while with lust like sparklers on Bonfire Night.

‘You’re not having her, you bastard,’ she screamed out loud, her hands punching out and the dream overtook her mind. ‘You can’t, you can’t do that, she’s just a baby.’ Her heart had been slowed by the drug, but the dream had stirred her and she felt a sudden rush travel through her. Then the van came to a halt, and she felt Griff’s hand push against her shoulder.

‘Wake up, and get out, we’re here,’ he said as the van door opened and a gush of cold air flooded in, rousing Annie with a start. She took in a deep breath, and turned slowly. Lily was still there, curled up on the dirty carpet in her brand new bright red coat. And even though the van was now filled with the coldness of night, she was still sleeping.

‘Lily, come on, you’ve gotta wake up,’ Annie shouted as she saw Griff begin to pace around the van, with his mobile in his hand.

‘Yes, we’re here. We’ve got the girl. You’re gonna love her, she’s a real peach of a kid,’ she heard him say, as once again Annie closed her eyes, desperate to return to the part of her dream where Lily had been a baby, all smiling and cooing in her arms. ‘Nah, we don’t need her any more. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it.’ Griff had used the word it, but Annie knew he was referring to her. She’d known that as soon as he had Lily, his interest in her would wane. She wouldn’t be needed and it was now more than apparent that she no longer mattered. ‘I know, I’ll make it quick.’ Griff continued to speak into the mobile, while looking at the van and directly at where Annie sat.

‘Nah, she’s too fucked up, she isn’t worth selling.’ He spat at the floor, walked away from the van and kept talking. ‘No one would pay for that, not now.’

The words went over and over round Annie’s mind, and she began to panic, suddenly realising that her time was up, that Griff didn’t even see her as worth selling any more and he was going to dispose of her, just as she’d seen him do with so many other girls in the past.

‘Mummy,’ came Lily’s tiny voice. ‘I want Daddy. I want to go home. I want to go back to the nice house, to Nomsa.’

Annie looked over her shoulder. She needed to stay focused, needed to be sure of where Griff was at all times and, most of all, she needed to escape. Her eyes landed on Lily; she alone was her security blanket. While she had the child, she was safe. ‘Lily, come to Mummy, darling.’ She held a hand out to the girl, but Lily moved backwards, her eyes widening, and she shook her head.

‘Where are we going?’ The question made Annie sit up far too quickly and the feeling of nausea hit. She jumped out of the van and made her way to the wheel arch. Her legs felt weak, her body suddenly bent in two and she began to retch uncontrollably. She grabbed at the side of the van, wobbling in the stilettos; she needed to steady her footing. She couldn’t fall, not here, and for the hundredth time that day she wished that she’d worn more suitable shoes. She thought back to the box of footwear in her room at the brothel. All her shoes were high, most were stiletto and none would have been suitable for running in. It was then that she saw a flash of red in the corner of her eye, a scurry of feet and a squeal as Lily jumped down from the van and tried to run. ‘Oh, no you don’t, you little shit, you get back here, you’re my insurance.’ She grabbed for Lily’s collar, missed and then lurched her whole body forward in a rugby style tackle. ‘You get back here. Do you hear me?’ She took hold of Lily’s wrist and squeezed.

Lily stared at her with tear-filled eyes.

‘Where the hell are we?’ Annie looked up to the sky as the torrents of rain fell and landed heavily on her face. She stood there allowing the drops to hit her, all the while knowing that unless she could escape, this was probably the last rain she’d ever see or feel.

She searched her surroundings and saw that the motorway ran adjacent to the motel. There was a huge car park to one side, with a truck stop to the other. Would it be possible to get to one of the trucks? Would one of the men save her, or would they see her as fair game where she could find herself in deeper water than she already was? She took note of the rooms; they were all on one level and there were no windows at the front, just doors, all of which had metal reinforcement and three locks each, a sure sign that this place was not the Ritz. And then there was the office. It stood right at the other end of the complex and Annie could only just see the man who sat behind the counter. He was big and fat and from the way he sat in a comfy chair, his feet up on a stool with a television in the corner, he looked as though he was just settling down for the night; at a guess, he planned on ignoring any trouble that arose. She saw Griff walk in and Annie presumed he’d gone to collect the keys.

Annie began trembling with fear, knowing that even if she made a run for it, even if she managed to hide, Griff would easily find her. No, she had to play the long game, had to wait and find a chance to escape.

‘Get off me,’ Lily suddenly shouted as her foot kicked out and caught Annie square on the ankle, making her turn. She lifted her hand and swung it in Lily’s direction, but pulled back at the last moment when she saw the look of horror in Lily’s eyes.

‘Next time you kick me, you’ll get it, do you understand?’ Annie pushed Lily towards the path, all the while searching for an escape route, hoping that a miracle would happen. But they were surrounded by fields, and not just one field, but long expanses of farmland that seemed to go on for miles. She spun around on the spot and squinted. Far in the distance she could see just a few tiny lights dotted across the horizon. It could have been a big farm with quite a lot of windows, or a small hamlet with just a half dozen houses dotted along a road. Whatever it was, the lights meant life, they meant people and they meant potential safety. She looked down at her feet. Would she make it across the fields, would she get there, to the houses?

Annie wished she’d known where she was. She’d never been one for travelling and didn’t know many places outside of London, but the one thing she did know was that this place was not London. It didn’t sound or smell like London and, what’s more, they hadn’t travelled far enough to get there. With her limited knowledge of England, she guessed at being somewhere on either the outskirts of York or Leeds.

‘Go on, get in there,’ Griff’s voice unexpectedly bellowed above the sound of the rain and the motorway traffic. ‘Get in there, room one, right at the end.’ He pushed the first key in the lock, quickly followed by the second and third, before kicking the door open with his foot. ‘You,’ he said, poking Annie in the ribs, ‘don’t you get comfy. You’ve got work to do.’

Annie sighed. ‘Come on, Griff, it’s pissing it down. I’m not working the street in this.’ She looked round the room. ‘Where are we?’

‘You don’t need to know.’ He threw a towel at her. ‘Now dry yourself off.’

Annie rubbed her hair with the towel as she paced around the room. It was pretty standard as far as motels went – God knows she’d seen enough of them over the years – and she dropped the towel as her hand went across the teak table, the set of drawers and then finally the gold patterned bedspread, which felt grimy but somewhat cleaner than her own in London.

Griff picked up the towel and threw it back at Annie. ‘Now, give the kid a bath. She needs to be clean and smelling pretty.’ A sick, torturous laugh left his lips. ‘And you, it wouldn’t hurt you to take a bath for a change, Annie. Manager says there are more clean towels in there.’ He pointed to a cupboard, and looked her up and down. ‘You stink.’

Annie stood, nervously watching his movements, waiting for his hand to reach for the flick knife, but it didn’t. She’d been sure he wouldn’t think twice, and had thought it was in his mind, but he’d told her to bathe so he probably wasn’t going to kill her, not right away. Still, for peace of mind she pushed Lily to stand in front of her while he hovered around the room.

‘Right, I’ll be back.’ He walked towards the door.

‘Where are you going and how long you going to be?’ Annie demanded, her eyes continuously looking around the room, searching for a weapon.

‘I’ll be back later. You’ve got about an hour, and as I said, both of you, get a fucking bath.’ He pointed to the bathroom, then slammed the door behind him, and the multiple keys turned to lock her and Lily in the room.

Annie stood staring at the door.

‘Why did he lock us in?’ Lily asked as she ran to the door and tried to open it. She then turned and glared at Annie, before making her way to the corner of the room, where she sat down with her back to the wall.

‘It’s for our own safety. To keep the bad men out.’ Annie didn’t know what else to say. She made her way around the room, looking, searching and checking. But the bedroom had no windows and she began to kick at the walls. They were trapped, with no way out. She moved from the bedroom to the bathroom, where she saw a small, two-foot square window. It was high up, above the bath, and Annie stood on its edge while she tried unjamming the catch. Painting over it had sealed it closed and Annie cursed.

‘Damn you!’ she screamed. ‘Not a fucking fire escape then.’ She looked around, she needed something to prise open the window, but there was nothing. Which left her with no alternative but to do as she’d been told. She had to bathe the kid and wait until Griff got back in the hope she’d be able to get past him and get some help.

Annie turned on the taps and began to sniff at the bottles of bubble bath that stood on a shelf. ‘Urgh.’ Yet still she poured it into the bathwater and splashed it around, in the hope that once diluted, the smell wouldn’t be quite so bad.

‘Come on, get in,’ Annie shouted to Lily who still crouched in the corner of the room. Lily shrank deeper into her coat and shook her head, with her eyes permanently fixed on the door as though she too were planning her escape.

Annie knelt on the vinyl tiles while she moved the water around in the grimy bath, testing the temperature. She thought of the last time she’d done this; the last time she’d bathed Lily as a baby. She remembered how Lily had loved the water, how her arms and legs had all begun waving around all at once and how she used to scream and giggle the moment she’d been undressed and could hear the water running. Annie remembered laughing at her, tickling her and kissing her. ‘You’re a water baby you are,’ she would say as she lowered her into the bubbles, where Lily would kick her feet so hard that the water splashed up and over, drenching Annie in the process. It had been a good time in her life, a happy time before the drugs had once again taken their hold on her. She thought of the way things had gone, how one part of her life had been like a complete fog, yet the other part – the part before the drugs and the part where she was clean, and a mother with a man who’d loved her – all seemed crystal clear. She stared into the bubbles, afraid to break the trance and afraid she’d end up back in the real world, back at the truck stop, waiting to die.

Annie held her hand out to Lily. ‘You need to get over here. Griff said we had to get a bath and, if I’m honest with you, I’d do what he says, cause he can be a real bastard if you don’t.’ She couldn’t look Lily in the eye and instead stared at the wall above where she now stood, afraid that if she looked at her, she’d melt; she’d begin to hate herself for what she was about to do and she wouldn’t be able to get her ready for what was about to happen.

Lily shook with fear, continuously inching her way along the wall. ‘Lily, I said get here.’ She watched as the child took one step forward. ‘That’s it, come on. Get your clothes off and get yourself in the water.’ Annie paused, sat back and scratched at her legs. ‘You’re big enough now to bathe yourself, aren’t you?’ she said as Lily slowly moved towards her, dropped her coat and dress to the floor and slipped into the bath, where she sat, staring at the taps. ‘Here, there’s a flannel, get that used.’ Annie dropped the once white flannel into the water and noticed that Lily was watching her.

‘Is it nice?’ Annie asked, but Lily returned the question with a look of disgust. Annie’s mind went back again to when Lily had been a baby, when she’d looked up at her with smiles and sparkly eyes. There had been the game of fishes, where Annie had continually allowed the sponge to run in trickles down Lily’s skin, a sensation that had made her squeal with delight. And for a moment she thought about playing the same game, but Lily was no longer a baby. She didn’t squeal, smile or giggle like she had and Annie sat back against the toilet bowl, watching her as she rubbed the flannel on the soap and then onto her face and body.

She thought of all the time she’d lost and wished that Lily would smile, just once, just like she used to. She wished she’d look at her again with loving eyes, with a need for her love, her hugs and most of all her milk. Those times, those days had been precious. They should have been treasured and Annie wondered why she’d chosen the drugs and the street, wondered how much better her life would have been, if only she’d stayed with Bastion and been a mother to Lily. She nodded. If only life had been that simple. If only she’d have done just that, but she’d made so many bad, irreversible choices. The call of the drugs had been strong and her life on the streets had been the only way she knew she could earn the money to pay for it.

‘Here you go, wash your face again, make it sparkle.’ She picked the flannel up out of the bath water and passed it back to Lily, who once again rubbed it on the soap and screwed up her face before rubbing it with the flannel. ‘There, you’re all sparkly clean,’ Annie said, smiling.

‘Mummy,’ Lily said. ‘Why don’t you like me?’ The words were cutting but innocent. They were the words of a child who had no idea why she was here or what Griff was about to do with her. All she knew was that her mother had come for her and taken her away from the people she loved, and that she didn’t want to be here.

Annie stared into space and her eyes looked back up to the window. Lily was so young. Would she remember her mother as the woman who didn’t like her? Would she ever forgive her for what she was about to do? Annie thought about what would happen to Lily that night and then wondered why she was preparing her for the worst ordeal of her life. The reality was that she, Lily’s mother, was washing and bathing her daughter in order to sell her to men for sex. She was going to give her to Griff in order to clear her drug induced debts. She was going to allow those monsters to buy her daughter and take her away. And she was doing it all to save her own skin.

Annie stopped and looked up to where Lily now stood, ready to get out. Would she really let them take her? She looked into Lily’s big, saucer-like eyes. ‘Lily, I do like you, honest I do. Please, don’t ever think that I didn’t like you.’

‘So why did you take me away from my daddy?’ The question was fair, and Annie wished she knew how to answer.

‘I … I had no choice, baby.’ Annie picked up the showerhead and held it over her own hand until the temperature became more suitable for a child. ‘Here. Let’s get you rinsed off.’

Lily did as she was told and Annie rinsed the soap from her skin, before draining the bath water and wrapping her in one of the big off-white towels, where she stood all bundled up.

What was she doing?

Annie gasped for breath. She looked back up at the window and suddenly realised what she had to do.

‘Lily, you need to get dried.’ Annie caught her eye and stared into their depths and then, for just a moment, she pulled the child into a hug. ‘I do like you, Lily. You must always remember that.’ She’d wanted to say the word love, the child deserved the word love, but something had stopped her. After all, how could she profess to love Lily, especially after all she’d done to her? ‘Get into your clothes, and your boots, be quick, there’s my girl.’

Lily did as she was told, and pulled her dress on, along with her thick woollen tights and boots.

‘Now, get your coat on.’ She tossed the new red coat at Lily and then went to the door, to look out of the peephole. Griff’s van had pulled up at the end of the car park. He sat inside, smoking and talking on the phone, and Annie knew he was making contact with the men. Men who would come, and soon. Men who would pay good money and men who wouldn’t care how much they hurt a young, innocent child. She watched for a moment as a second car pulled up. Annie squinted to see more clearly as Bella walked towards Griff. She thought of the night she’d taken Bella’s money, how Bella had suffered at the end of Griff’s flick knife and now how different she looked without the tons of make-up, bright red lipstick and false eyelashes that for so long had been her trademark.

‘Lily, you have to listen to me,’ she said as she watched Griff talking to Bella. They laughed together and shared a cigarette. An act Annie thought odd, especially after what Griff had done. Annie spun around, she couldn’t think of that now. She had to make things right for Lily.

‘Lily, Mummy needs to break that catch.’ She pointed to the window in the bathroom. ‘I need to make the window open. Can you see anything that I could prise it with?’ Annie asked and then watched as Lily dug in her coat pocket and pulled out an old penknife.

Nervously she held it out towards Annie. ‘It’s Daddy’s. I stole it and I think he’d be cross with me if he found out.’

‘Oh, Lily. Good, that’s a good girl.’ She turned to the window and with the blade, she cut into the paint, cut around the catch and watched as the old rusty rivets disintegrated beneath her touch. It had only been the paint that had sealed the window to a close and she pushed it open as hard as she could. But elation was followed by desperation. The window opened and then stopped as it hit a wall that had been built behind. The gap wasn’t big enough for her to climb through and the drop was much too far. For a moment, she just stared, knowing she was trapped. She took in a deep breath. ‘Lily. Come here.’ She pointed to the window and then knelt before the child. ‘Lily, listen to me. I’ve always liked you. No, goddamn it, I’ve always loved you, you might not realise it, but …’ She watched Lily shrug her shoulders, before she pressed the penknife back into her tiny little hand. ‘Put this in your pocket, baby girl. Keep it safe, you might need to use it again before this night is over.’

‘Why? Are we going somewhere?’ She looked at the window. ‘Are we running away?’

Annie couldn’t answer and for the first time in years, she regretted it all. She regretted her life, the drugs and most of all she regretted ever having been involved with Griff.

‘No, little one. We’re not going, but you are.’ She picked up the biggest of the bath towels and wiped her eyes. ‘I want you to climb up and sit on the windowsill. Then you need to hold onto the towel. Mummy will lower you down to the floor.’

‘What if I fall?’ Lily began shaking her head. ‘I can’t do it. I don’t want to.’

Annie heard a noise and momentarily closed her eyes. ‘Listen to me.’ Her voice was now stern. ‘You have no choice. Now get up and onto that ledge and when you land on the ground, Lily, you need to run. Run as fast as you can towards the houses, the ones that are right across the field and you don’t stop until you get there. Do you hear me?’

Lily nodded her head and a sob left her throat. ‘But … but it’s dark. I don’t want to go.’ She looked terrified, but Annie knew that this was the right thing to do.

‘Honey. Bad men are coming. They’re on their way here right now and I really don’t want you to meet them.’ She didn’t know what else to say, but knew she had to get the child to run. ‘Honey, if the bad men see you, they’ll hurt you.’ Tears began to drip down Annie’s face. ‘Now, go to those houses, look for a house where there are toys, a slide or a swing. Bang on that door, baby, bang on it hard and get that mummy to help you. She’ll phone your daddy for you. Okay?’

Lily looked confused. ‘But how do you know she’ll be nice?’

Tears continued to fall unashamedly down Annie’s face. She didn’t have time for the explanations, she knew Griff could walk in at any moment, but she knew that this was the last contact she’d ever get with her daughter. ‘Because she’s a mummy, baby girl. And all mummies should be nice, shouldn’t they? You have to trust me, Lily. I promise, she’ll help you.’ Annie pushed Lily towards the window. ‘Now, climb up.’ She stood on the side of the bath and hoisted Lily onto the windowsill. ‘Lily, whatever happens, run, and, baby girl, please, don’t look back.’

Annie watched Lily’s contorted face as she began to sob. She was terrified of climbing out of the window, being dropped to the ground and running through the fields alone. But Annie had no idea what else to do. ‘Please, Lily, you have to go, here, grab hold.’ Annie had tied a knot in the towel and she watched as Lily grabbed at the knot. ‘It’s not too far down, just like jumping off of a swing … there you go. Are you on the ground?’

Annie saw Lily’s saucer eyes as she nodded and she could see Lily staring back at her, not knowing which way to turn. Annie closed her eyes, she could hear Griff’s voice outside. ‘Cruel to be kind,’ she whispered to herself as she waved her hand at Lily. ‘Go, go now,’ she growled and then climbed down from her position on the bath. She knew that this would be her last night on earth and that she’d never see her daughter again. She just hoped that her final act of kindness would find her just a small place in her daughter’s heart, and in years to come she might realise exactly what she’d just done for her.