Chapter Fifteen

As Jess climbed the staircase and took a step across the landing, she could feel herself hyperventilating. It was the first time she’d been near Emily’s room since she’d died – the day that Emily had been wheeled out of the house, never to return.

‘Come on, you can do this,’ she whispered to herself as her hand touched the silver doorknob of Emily’s bedroom door. She took short, sharp breaths and placed the key in the lock. She paused and for a few moments she thought about the last time she’d been here, the last time she’d seen Emily alive and the moments preceding her death. The paramedics had been there. They’d been desperately trying to bring Emily back. The room had seemed full of people, medical equipment and the terrifying sound of the defibrillator as they’d shocked Emily’s frail body, over and over again. She remembered crouching in a corner of the room, her hands in front of her face and tears flooding down her cheeks whilst she rocked and hummed in an attempt to try and block out all that was happening before her.

And now, here she stood, in the hallway, outside Emily’s room, with the thought of going back in filling her with dread. But it was something she needed to do; she’d promised Emily, and she knew that she had no choice. After all, what was a promise if you didn’t keep it?

Jess turned the key and slowly pushed the door open, inch by inch, and then with the door ajar, she stared into the room. The medical equipment was now gone – the swabs, sterile gloves, and syringes had all been removed – and everything was as it had been before the ambulance men had arrived. Except now the curtains were closed and the room stood in darkness.

Jess walked tentatively through the bedroom on tiptoes. She felt as though she were intruding, as though Emily were asleep and any moment now she’d turn over and give one of her smiles. Jess opened the curtains that had been closed since Emily’s death as a mark of respect, and the sudden light that flooded the room made her squint and stand back. She allowed her eyes to adjust and then turned to stare at the mahogany four-poster bed with tear-filled eyes. It had been in this bed she’d held Emily’s hand and told her about the pregnancy, and where Emily had recounted the time when she herself had been young, pregnant and scared. How she’d hidden her pregnancy from her family and had given birth, frightened and alone, in the bell tower room, only to be found a few days later by her father. She’d been sick and at first her father had pretended to care, but then on a day when he’d insisted she went into the main part of the house to take a bath, he’d been caught red-handed with two women from the adoption society. They’d tried to take her Arthur away without her consent and Emily had had no choice but to run, with her baby in her arms, in order to save them both.

A sob left Jess’s throat. ‘Poor Emily,’ she whispered as her fingers traced the ornate carvings of the bed. Nothing about Emily’s life had been easy; she’d never felt total happiness, and had spent most of her life caring for everyone around her. Jess swallowed hard and sat down in the armchair that stood by the bed. Was this how her life would end up too? Would she spend her life looking after others? Would she have to fight for everything she wanted? She shook her head knowing that at least she had Jack, which was already so much more than Emily seemed to have had.

She took a deep breath in. The room still smelled of Emily, of the perfume that she always wore and Jess looked down at the bedding as her hand carefully stroked the material. She knew that once it had been removed from the room, once the bed had been changed and the room emptied and cleaned, the scent would be gone and with it the last trace of Emily would be gone too. Jess pulled a pillow from the bed and hugged it to her chest.

‘Oh, Emily, you have no idea how much I miss you already,’ she sobbed. ‘What will I do without you?’ She turned the chair, inched it forward and placed it in front of the chest. Her hand brushed against the brass cup handles, knowing that the drawers had to be opened and emptied, and after quite a few minutes of sitting and staring she finally pulled open the first drawer and peered inside.

She emptied the drawers, one item at a time. Each item was carefully and respectfully checked, before being placed into one of two piles. The first pile was for things she wanted to keep, things too personal or valuable to give away, and the other pile close to the door was for the items that had to be thrown away, or given to charity.

Jess made her way to the chest nearest the bed, pulled open a drawer and once again studied the contents before lifting out a small pile of envelopes that were all tied together with a pink bow. It was more than obvious that Emily had hidden them there, and the letters had been waiting to be found. For a moment Jess allowed just her fingertips to touch the ribbon, the bow and then the writing in Emily’s hand. After what seemed like an eternity, she pulled at the ribbon and allowed the envelopes to tumble onto the bed, where she noticed that each letter had been addressed individually. There was a letter for her, and a separate one for Jack. There was one for her son, Arthur, and then there was one for Madeleine. Four in total.

Jess picked up the letter with her name on it. Its bulge intrigued her, and she felt its shape knowing that there was more than just a note within the envelope. Her fingers traced the spidery writing. Emily must have written the letters knowing they’d be read after her death, knowing that Jess would be the one to find them. For a moment Jess hesitated with the envelope in hand, not knowing how she would feel to read the final words of a woman she’d loved so very much. She gave a half smile. She knew that even though the words would hurt her to read, she was certain that they’d also bring her the comfort of knowing that Emily had written them during her final days, and that she and the people that lived in this house had been the last thing she’d cared enough about to use her energy to write each one a final goodbye.

Putting the letters back together, she tied the ribbon around them again and placed them on top of the chest, now turning her attention to the wardrobe. She began taking clothes from hangers, one piece at a time, and one by one she folded them and placed each in the charity pile. All were quite new – most had been bought during the past year during one of their weekly shopping trips – and Jess knew that Emily would want someone less fortunate than herself to have them.

Finally, and with a huge sob, she turned her attention to the bed and began to strip the duvet and sheets from it. A soft knock at the door made Jess turn and, with sheets in hand, she opened it and looked into Jack’s solemn, miserable face. He looked awkward, and distant. He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt and Jess could tell he’d been out running. It was something he did daily, a way of getting his thoughts together and blowing off steam. She stood back, waiting for him to speak.

‘I … I asked Nomsa where you were and she said you’d be in here. Do … do you need any help?’ he asked nervously. His body leaned against the doorframe in a way that made Jess wonder if he’d struggle to stand unaided. ‘Do you know that Bastion is home?’ he asked, almost as an afterthought. ‘Nomsa keeps feeding him. He’s already had soup and a bite out of one of her scones, with jam and cream.’ He looked her up and down. ‘Don’t … don’t you want to see him?’

Jess nodded. ‘Of course I do, but … I had to do this first. I promised Emily …’ She looked over her shoulder into the room. ‘… I promised I’d do this, you know, take her personal things out of the room, before the cleaners come in. I think Maddie will have it decorated, before … before it’s used again.’

Jack’s hand reached forward. He slowly brushed a wayward hair away from her face, and Jess closed her eyes as his hand lingered against her skin. With all that had happened she’d missed being with him, and the smell of the deep musky cologne that he wore, but most of all she’d missed his touch.

‘Kind of odd, her not being here, don’t you think?’ He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. His hand ran across the surface of the chest. ‘Will it be used as a guest room?’ he continued, without waiting for an answer to his first question.

Jess turned. ‘I think they’ll have to.’ She walked to the window. ‘Do you mind if I open it?’ she asked as she lifted the sash window, and the breeze filled the room. ‘I need the air and besides, Emily didn’t like it so very stuffy in here, did she?’

There was a mutual silence in the room and an awkwardness that Jess had never known between her and Jack. She knew that Jack had no idea what to say to her; after all, this was the first time they’d been totally alone since she’d told him of the pregnancy.

Jess picked up the letters. ‘She left these. I … I don’t know what to do with them.’ She passed them to Jack, who swallowed hard, and Jess knew he was holding back the tears as he too allowed his fingers to stroke the ribbon.

‘They have names on them. Maybe you should give them out?’ He looked up and stared at her, his eyes full of confusion and, without thinking, Jess leaned into him and closed her eyes. It felt so good to be so close, and she rested her head on his shoulder as his arms immediately went around her. For a few moments she felt safe, happy and content. The feeling was all she needed before a tidal wave of sobs flooded from somewhere within her. Every emotion left her body all at once. Her knees felt weak and she clutched onto Jack as though her whole life depended on it.

‘Hey, come on. It’s okay, I’ve got you.’ His words were soft and comforting. ‘Here, let’s sit you down.’ He led her to the bed and they sat together in silence until the sobs subsided. ‘There you go, that’s my girl.’ He leaned back and looked into her face. ‘Do you want me to get Maddie?’ he asked, but Jess shook her head.

‘No, I just want to be with you.’ She sniffed. ‘I’m so sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I didn’t mean to get pregnant, please believe me.’

‘Oh, Jess. I don’t blame you for this. I think that …’ He tipped his head to one side. ‘… I think there were two of us there that night, and two of us made this happen, not just you.’ His hand lifted to cup her chin. ‘So, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I made you so sad, and what’s more I’m sorry I’ve handled all of this so very badly.’ He paused and placed a kiss lightly on her lips. ‘I should have reacted differently, but … but I was so confused.’ He nodded. ‘I’m still confused. In fact, I’m terrified. And I’m not going to pretend that this is what I really wanted for us right now, Jess. You know it isn’t.’ He pursed his lips as though thinking what to say next. ‘You know I wanted us to be settled before we had a family, didn’t you? I wanted us to find a house, soon after the wedding, a home for us both. But things have changed now, and now I need to find a home for the three of us.’ Again his lips grazed hers. ‘I’m going to look after you, I’m going to look after both of you.’ He allowed himself to laugh. ‘I have no idea how right now, but if you want me, I’m here.’

Jess pulled herself into his warmth. ‘Oh, Jack, of course I want you.’

‘There’s only one thing I ask, Jess.’ His hands touched both her shoulders making her sit up and look him in the eye. ‘All of this …’ His hand went down to touch her stomach. ‘… It was all a bit of a shock.’ He paused. ‘Can we just keep the news to ourselves for a while, allow it to be our secret, just till I get used to the idea myself, maybe even till after the wedding?’ His eyes pleaded with hers and Jess nodded in agreement.