Chapter 17

I drove past the gym a few weeks later. It was Sunday and the back of my car was packed to the gills with groceries and barbecue supplies. Killian didn’t tell me he loved me after that night I fell asleep in his arms. At first I tried to convince myself that maybe I’d just imagined it. But in the end, I knew I’d heard it, even though he probably hadn’t wanted me to.

Although I’d never take my “I love you” back, I didn’t say it again after that night. It was hard not to speak the words now that I had unleashed them, but I kept them to myself anyway. They seemed to have hurt Killian more than helped us. Maybe he hadn’t been prepared to receive them. Or at least that was how I explained his reaction.

It beat the alternative: that he really didn’t love me back.

I slowed to stop at a light. Norman’s caregiver appeared with Norman in tow, pushing him through the intersection while on their daily stroll. I waved, but neither seemed to notice me. They were too busy passing the other pedestrians crossing. Unlike me, those weaving around Norman didn’t bother to wave, choosing to ignore both men.

I sighed. I knew that feeling all too well. I decided then to try to do something nice for them.

The light changed to green, allowing me to speed forward in the direction of Killian’s house. The morning after I’d spilled my TMI, our interactions were strained and the tension between us palpable. Over the course of the next few days, everything gradually returned to normal. In a way, it was good. In a way, I couldn’t help but wish for a little more.

It didn’t take long for me to get back home. I waved to Mrs. O’Hara as she passed with her little dog. Although it was now months since she’d asked me about enticing Killian to bed, I still blushed and hurried inside with my perishables.

I left the remainder of the groceries in my car, knowing they wouldn’t spoil. Killian didn’t like my car, he found it too small. But if he complained too much we could switch everything over to his truck before heading over to Angus’s barbecue.

I passed Finn, still asleep on our couch. He’d arrived on our doorstep sometime after three in the morning, wasted out of his mind and with his lip busted from a throw-down at a party. I’d put the groceries away, seasoned the ground beef and formed it into patties before Finn even stirred. When I heard the start of a pained moan, I pulled out the gallon of Gatorade I’d bought him and poured it into a glass filled with ice.

Finn rubbed his forehead, evidently experiencing one monster of a hangover but making no effort to sit up. I was worried about him. This wasn’t the first time he’d shown up drunk out of his mind. In fact, the incidences were becoming more frequent.

I brought the Gatorade over to him and stroked his curly ginger hair. “Hey. You okay?”

“Sofia…”

“Yes?”

“Kill…me…”

“How about I give you a drink instead?”

“No…no more booze. I swear to Christ…I’m never drinking again.”

He’d said that the last few times. I only wished I could believe him and that I knew why he was acting out this way. Killian always handled his arrivals, and often stayed up talking to him after insisting I go to bed. I had hoped Killian could reason with him and set him straight. So far, he hadn’t managed.

I stroked his hair again when he face-planted into the couch. “Finn, it’s Gatorade,” I said quietly. “Drink some. It’ll make you feel better.”

He lifted his face from the couch. “Gatorade?” he croaked.

I smiled. Considering Finn looked like death on sourdough bread, he was still a cutie. No wonder girls swarmed him wherever we went.

Finn pushed up on his arm and reached for the glass. He took a painful sip, followed by two more, before downing the entire glass. “Better?” I asked.

The grimace scrunching his face relaxed and he nodded. “Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from heaven?”

I laughed and patted his hard shoulders. “There’s more in the fridge if you need it. I’m going to go check on your brother.”

I hopped up the steps and into our room. Killian must have stayed up later than usual talking to Finn. His arm dangled off the opposite side of the bed. I lifted the skirt of my sundress and crawled across the mattress, sweeping a trail of kisses along his bare shoulder when I reached him.

“Hey, princess.” He smiled, although his eyes remained closed. “What time is it?”

“Almost twelve.”

“Oh, shit. Seriously?”

I massaged his back. “Mmm-hmm. How late were you up?”

“Till fucking five.” He rubbed his eyes. “What time do we have to be at Angus’s?”

“One. Did you want to shower before heading over?”

“I guess I should.” He rolled onto his back and finished blinking his eyes open. The corners of his mouth lifted when he saw me. “Damn, you’re beautiful.” He frowned. “How long have you been up?”

“Since nine.”

His frown deepened when I yawned a little. “Did you get enough sleep?”

“I did.”

“You sure?” He pulled me up into a straddle. “You went to bed late after Finn showed.”

“I’m sure.” I pushed my hair aside. “I’m worried about him. Do you think he needs to talk to someone? Besides you, I mean?”

Killian shrugged. “He’s young. Just needs to iron out some rough edges, that’s all.”

“I hope you’re right.” I was bending forward to kiss him when a familiar glimmer lightened his blue eyes. I scrambled off the bed. Killian snatched me up by my waist before I could bolt out the door.

He nibbled on my neck, making me laugh. “Where you going?”

I clasped his wrists when his hands started to wander. “Killian, Finn’s still downstairs.”

He paused before releasing me, then swore under his breath. “Right. I’ll go check on him.”

“I already did. He has a bad hangover, but he started to feel better after I gave him some Gatorade.” I pushed Killian in the direction of the shower. “Come on, you don’t have much time.”

Killian moved to the sink and snagged the toothbrush and paste from the shelf. He stopped in the middle of brushing his teeth when a thought occurred to him. “You gave him Gatorade?”

“Yes. He seemed to need it. Like I said, he was really hurting.” I reached into the linen closet and pulled out some clean towels, then started the shower for him. With the new water heater, it didn’t take long for the steam to rise.

“I thought we were out.”

“Out of what?”

Killian rinsed his mouth, then stripped out of his boxers. “Gatorade.”

“I picked some up when I went shopping.”

“You went shopping—already?”

“It’s not a big deal. I’ve been up for a while.” I lowered the toilet seat and sat, watching him adjust the temperature of the water before he stepped through the clear glass doors. “Angus texted this morning and asked us to bring a few things.”

Killian passed a bar of soap along his body. “You already made that big thing of dip, a pie, and, like, twenty salads.”

I laughed. “I only made two salads and they didn’t take me long.”

“So what the hell did he need, then?”

“Just a couple of things he was missing,” I said again, trying to remember. “Coal, ground beef, lighter fluid, hot dogs, rolls, buns—oh, and chips.”

He stopped in the middle of shampooing his thick dark hair. “What the hell? Is this our barbecue or his?”

“He says he’s trying to save for his and Molly’s wedding.”

Killian scoffed and finished showering. “He’s had ten fucking years to save up.”

He dried his face and back. I pumped some lotion into my hands and passed it along his lower back and shoulder blades while he wiped off his chest. “Wait a minute. Molly and Angus haven’t been engaged that long, have they?” I asked.

Killian leaned against the sink so I could reach his shoulders and chuckled. “They’ve been engaged since they were sixteen and Molly’s dad caught them fucking on the couch.”

I gasped. “No!”

Killian turned around and reached for some lotion to rub along the tats of his bulging arms. “I swear to God. They thought her dad was at work, but he’d stayed home to fix a leak in the cellar. He comes upstairs to find Angus defiling his precious little girl beneath a picture of Molly’s dead grandma.”

I wasn’t sure who laughed harder, me or Killian. He held out a hand. “Oh, it gets better. Forget that Angus was a virgin before that innocent little rose sunk her thorns in him—and forget that she’d already been with Timmy LaSota and Stevie Macpherson—Molly’s dad dragged Angus half-naked to church and made him swear before God and Father Flanagan that he would marry Molly.”

My entire body was shaking from the force of my giggles. “So it’s not love?” I managed.

“I don’t even think it’s fucking like. But Angus is scared shitless he’ll burn in hell for eternity if he doesn’t marry Molly.”

I wiped my eyes with my free hand while Killian led me back into our bedroom. He stopped at his dresser and pulled out a wad of bills. I shook my head when he offered it to me. “Babe, don’t. It’s not necessary.”

“The hell it’s not. It’s bad enough your cheap-ass boss doesn’t pay you anything close to what you’re worth.”

“I like my boss. He’s sweet to me.” Killian randomly left bouquets of flowers for me to find—in the dryer, in the oven, on top of my car. Just Friday I opened the fridge to find a dozen roses waiting for me when I returned home from school, with a note telling me he missed me.

I smiled softly. The best day was on my birthday two weeks prior. I woke up to find Post-it notes with little arrows leading to the living room. I followed them downstairs while Killian pretended to sleep. There on top of the coffee table was a beautiful wooden jewelry box. The image of two children playing with Matchbox cars had been carefully carved into the lid.

I didn’t recognize that the kids were us until I opened the box and found the picture used to create the image. Killian’s mother had taken it when we were little. She’d mailed it to him from Florida and he’d given it to Seamus and asked him to make the jewelry box for my twenty-first birthday.

Killian had found me crying as I held it. He could have handed me the world’s treasures and I don’t think they would have meant as much to me as that gift or the gesture behind it.

I leaned back on the bed and watched him as he yanked on a pair of jeans. Considering it was late September, the days were only starting to grow cooler. I frowned when he dropped the bills in my beautiful jewelry box. “Killian, it’s really not a big deal.”

“It is to me. Come on; let’s go make the damn patties.”

“I already made them.” I fell back in bed and stretched my arms. They were still sore from the grappling techniques Killian had taught me earlier in the week.

“In that case, I’ll do the laundry. The basket’s starting to overflow.”

“I washed everything this morning. The last of it is in the dryer. I just haven’t had a chance to fold it.” I yawned again. Hopefully, Killian and I could go to bed early tonight. I had a ten o’clock lecture the next day.

Killian crossed the room and hovered above me, his brows knitting tight. “What’s wrong?” I asked him.

He let out a breath and stretched out beside me. “You do a lot for me—and my family, all the time.”

I smiled. “I don’t mind. I—” I caught myself before I told him that it was because I loved him. “I like doing things for you,” I said.

“It shows.” His knuckles brushed against my cheek. I thought he was happy until I sensed a trickle of sadness in his voice when he spoke. “Listen, Sofia, I’m not good with words. For as loud as we are, and for as much as we talk, it’s not something my family or I have ever been good at.”

“It’s okay.”

He shook his head. “Not when it comes to you it’s not.”

I waited to see if he’d say more, hoping to understand why he seemed so upset. It took him a moment to gather his words. “You mean a lot to me,” he said at last. “More than anyone ever has. I don’t tell you like I should, but you mean everything to me.” He sighed, appearing frustrated. “You understand what I’m trying to say here?”

That you love me? Please say that you love me. “I think I do,” I said quietly.

“Good. That’s…good.” Killian wrapped his arm around me. “I need you to, okay?”

I lifted my chin and smiled, earning me a sweet kiss that quickly turned to more.

Finn was just downstairs. I could hear him shuffling around in the kitchen. But when Killian’s hands wandered beneath my long skirt, it didn’t take much more to forget his brother was there or that we had someplace we needed to be.

For the first time, I could really believe that Killian loved me. Except sometimes things weren’t so simple as that.