Chapter 2

It took a long time for me to calm, and an even longer time for my body to stop trembling. My initial instincts were to flee and hide, like I’d done all my life. But I couldn’t escape. Leaving the office meant facing the men out there, and, worst of all, explaining to Killian why I’d left so abruptly. So I resorted to shutting blinds and hiding.

Old habits die hard.

I spread out my notes, trying to concentrate. I’d promised Killian I’d rebuild his website and create a program that would help him manage his accounts. If he could own and run a gym at only twenty-three years old, I, being almost twenty-one, could certainly keep it together enough to help him succeed.

Couldn’t I?

My hands passed along my notes, moving some to the right, others to the left. I thought I had them in order. I thought…

I groaned, frustrated. All I managed to do was scatter them across the desk. There was no logic, no way to follow my plan now that I’d messed everything up.

My mind struggled through restructuring the mock-ups I’d created. I had questions for Killian—hadn’t I had questions? But as I stared at the hot mess of words, pictures, and symbols, nothing seemed to make sense.

I crossed my arms and bowed my head. God, please give me strength.

When I’d agreed to help Killian, my summer break didn’t seem like enough time to get to know the man I’d first met as a boy. Now, after what was said, and what I’d heard, it seemed too long.

But you promised, the part of me who pretended to be brave insisted. Yes. I had. But that was before I realized there were people there who knew my secrets and the shame that came with them.

The ugly comments poked at me, prickling my skin. I tried to shove them away—they were stupid, and cruel, and selfish. I knew that. But their words still grabbed me like hands, holding me down and overpowering me once more. I lowered my eyes, feeling that awful sense of helplessness return.

I was so tired of being afraid…and weak. When would it end?

My head jerked up when I heard someone approach.

The doorknob twisted and Killian stepped in. He paused, his smile fading and his brows drawing tight. He shut the door behind him as I hurried to rustle through my notes in an attempt to look busy.

He placed his large palms against the desk. “What’s wrong?”

I sat and reached for a pen, keeping my gaze averted. “It’s loud out there,” I managed.

He glanced back behind him, although the door remained shut. Shadows of concern darkened his features when he turned his face to mine. He didn’t believe me. Why would he? It didn’t take a genius to see I was scared.

My grip tightened on the pen. “Maybe I should work from home. If we talk some now, I can get most of the work done at my mother’s house.”

“What happened?”

Killian’s harsh tone had me meeting his stare. For the most part, Killian was pretty laid-back, but rage lingered just beneath the surface. It was why he was almost undefeated in his weight class. He knew when to release it.

Fury stirred behind his deep blue irises. I knew it wouldn’t take a lot for him to open the lock that caged his anger. If he suspected that anyone had mistreated me there would be serious trouble, with me coming out badly in the end. “I don’t think I should be here,” I told him truthfully, hating my voice for how it shook.

Killian stiffened. “Sofia…”

“It was a mistake,” I blurted. “I’m not ready.”

Killian’s focus narrowed in on my face. He was trying to figure out my sudden change. Knowing so scared me senseless.

I stood, then sat and stood again. My words made no sense, but they were the only ones I could form then. Fear paralyzed me constantly, making it hard to function. That was the reason I’d turned to computers to begin with and become so adept. It was just me and a machine incapable of judging or hurting me. If a task or function didn’t work, I started over until I got it right. I never had to worry what could happen to me when I sat in front of the keyboard. Never had to fear who could reach out and grab me. Never had to be afraid it would spill my darkest secrets. I could escape into my work, knowing I couldn’t be harmed.

Life didn’t have that luxury.

“I shouldn’t have come across so strong,” Killian said.

I straightened, my lips parting slightly. “What?”

He bowed his head, releasing a heavy breath. “When I invited you to come here, and you agreed, I thought maybe you were agreeing to more—I shouldn’t have assumed that. I’m sorry.”

My grip loosened on my pen until it fell from my grasp and onto the desk. Oh, no. Please don’t.

“I should know better than to push. I just thought, it won’t happen again,” he added quickly. “I swear it won’t. But please don’t leave. I meant it when I said that I needed you.”

He did want more. And now I’d ruined things.

I rubbed my eyes, frustrated.

When Killian first took over the gym last fall, his expenses were huge and his profit minimal. I’d built him the most basic site to attract business and helped him with promo. Philly took care of its own. When word got out that he was a local boy—with five years of professional MMA matches under his belt and taking on trainees—business exploded and so did the chaos. He needed a better site, a better bookkeeping program, and better organization.

“I need you, Sofia,” he repeated. “I can’t trust anyone else with my accounts and personal information. Will you stay and help me?”

He needed me. I dropped my hands away and lifted my chin. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” Considering I’d changed my mind twice in the span of an hour, I couldn’t really blame him for doubting me or my sanity.

“Yes, I’ll help you,” I promised. I rustled through the papers on the desk repeatedly, trying to offer more of an explanation. But there I was again, unable to make sense out of what was right in front of me.

I could feel Killian’s gaze on me. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to start until the end of July. But when he called me a few days ago and gave me the lowdown, I knew he couldn’t wait.

He continued to watch me in silence. I finally stopped and lifted my chin. “I’m sorry, Killian. I don’t want to be so…” “Pathetic” was the first word that came to mind. But thankfully I didn’t say it out loud.

“You don’t need to be sorry about anything.”

But he was wrong.

I motioned to the door, unable to keep my eyes on his. “The thing is I need some privacy. It’s hard to focus with the noise.”

Killian leaned back and crossed his bulging arms, exposing the religious tats painting them. There was something unnerving about the Archangel Michael staring straight at me. Then again, he knew my sins well.

“The doors need to stay open, and so do the blinds,” Killian said.

A group of male voices laughed some distance away. Was it those same guys? I motioned toward the door again, my hand starting to shake. “I-I can’t concentrate. It wasn’t this loud last time.”

I wasn’t sure what Killian caught in my expression, but whatever it was deepened his voice. “I’ll buy you some plugs.”

“It won’t be enough,” I added quietly.

He watched me for a beat. Man, it was as if he could see straight into my thoughts. “Listen, Sofia, most of my guys training are decent. But some aren’t. I want to make sure you’re safe. I can’t do that if I can’t see you.”

“What if I lock—”

“No.” His tone was firm. “I need to know you’re safe at all times.”

I froze. How was I going to do this? But I couldn’t go back on my word again. My attention returned to my notes. Slowly, I lowered myself back to the chair and looked at the first list on my agenda. “Okay…I have to go over a few things with you so I can finish designing your program. It’s almost the same one I built for Teo’s business, but I want to cater it to fit your needs.”

He pulled up one of the chairs in front of his desk and sat, leaning back to rub his thin goatee. “What do you want to know?”

The tension between us slowly subsided, the more information I gathered. My mind latched on to his needs and quickly formed a plan. I typed feverishly, working fast.

“What about the website?” he asked when the silence lengthened between us. “Shouldn’t that come first?”

I glanced up from typing. “That won’t take me long to do. You just tell me what you want and how you want it and we’ll do it.”

His raised brows told me I should have phrased things differently. “Um,” I said like a dumbass. To give my face time to regain its normal olive tone, I opened the mock-ups I’d started and turned my laptop around. “I went to the sites you liked and created these.”

The mock-ups came in the colors he’d preferred: dark red, black, and charcoals in alternating patterns. The headers were different shots of him. Some were taken from actual fights I’d found on the web, others were from him training. “Where did you get these?”

He pointed to the ones of him sparring and working out at the gym. “Oh. I took them last fall when I first built your site. I used the digital camera my Uncle Lino gave me.”

He seemed surprised. “I saw the camera around your neck, but I thought you were just doing gym shots.”

I didn’t admit they were all of him ’cause, yeah, no one else had held my attention. I cleared my throat. “I can’t use the ones I found online, since I don’t own them. They’re just to give you an idea. But if you like these—”

“There’s no ‘if.’ Sofia, these are fucking rad—better than I expected. Can you go back to the first few?” He inspected each one as I flipped through. “Can we do a combo—on different pages—or do they all have to be the same?”

His excitement made mine surge. “No, I can do anything you want me to. Pick your home page and then we’ll add the other ones you like to your class schedule, your bio, or whatever you think your site needs.”

“Cool.” His eyes met mine again. I didn’t realize I was smiling until I felt it dwindle when his expression grew sad. “I’m really sorry. For pushing you.”

But he hadn’t. That didn’t mean I could tell him.

I focused on that mouth I had hoped would finally kiss me. “I’m sorry, too,” I said softly.