Chapter 6

Killian, Finn, and Wren took turns staying with me in Killian’s office. I barely said anything and spent my time taking apart the hard drive so that what remained of my laptop could be dumped with the trash. It was close to ten when Killian led me out to his dark blue F-150.

He opened the door for me, then went around to the driver’s side and buckled in. He paused before cranking the engine. “Do you want me to get you something to eat? You haven’t eaten all day.”

I hadn’t done much of anything all day. My trembling had finally subsided, though it had nothing to do with anything I’d done, and everything to do with Killian. His voice, his attention, his kindness…Killian’s presence had made everything better. “I’m not hungry. But I’ll go with you if you’d like.”

“You want to go out with me?”

He realized that I’d feared him, and it killed me. Although I knew he’d never hurt me, my trauma couldn’t be reasoned with; instead it continued to paralyze me even around those who held my heart.

I played with the strap of my empty computer bag. “I’m not up to being in public, but I can’t go home like this. My mother isn’t, um, well. After everything my father did to her, she can’t handle much stress. She’ll know something’s wrong. I can’t do that to her.” My last words came out shaky. The trembling threatened to start again. I took a few breaths, reminding myself that with Killian there, I was safe. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

Killian watched me for a few beats, his expression appearing torn. After what seemed like forever, he leaned back with his hands on the wheel. “Do you want to go back to my place? We can order food from Pappy’s—it’s close by. I’ll drive you home after. Maybe your ma will be asleep by then.”

“Okay.”

I couldn’t be sure who was more surprised by my response, me or him. But I didn’t want to go home. Going home meant being without him and I wasn’t quite ready for that. Killian offered protection by simply being near.

Without a word, he cranked the engine. I was shocked when he drove just five short blocks and went up a small hill. “You’re living in Crum Lynne?”

The edges of his lips curved. “I usually jog here in the morning and jog back when I leave you. It’s my only time to get a run in.” He motioned around. “I don’t really need this thing, but Wren got me a sweet deal.”

I smiled a little, my mood lifting with the normalcy of our conversation. “I bet she did.”

This time of night, it took less than five minutes for Killian to pull into a small residential block. Brick row homes lined both sides of the street, their small front yards spilling with flowers and meticulously kept landscaping. A stretch of lawn separated every two units and ancient oaks sprouted every few feet. This area spoke of families and barbecues and block parties. It also promised peace—the type of neighborhood I’d always hoped we’d move to, but never had the money for. “This is a pretty area,” I said quietly.

“Each house has three bedrooms and one and a half bathrooms like the ones from the old neighborhood. The difference is these here are all bigger and have a garage and a basement.” He pulled into the driveway of the house on the end and climbed out, then went around and held the door open for me while I gathered my things.

Just a couple of nights ago, Killian had started holding my hand. He didn’t now. But as much as I wished he would, I made no effort to reach for him. I followed him up the steps and waited for him to unlock the door. “Mine’s a little different from the rest,” he said.

No. His was probably a lot different.

The smell of sheetrock, fresh paint, and sawed wood greeted my nose. The walls linking the original two homes had been demolished, leaving only the support beams in place and creating one large open family room. A huge kitchen ran the length of the far wall, its hanging pendant lights giving the wood floors a subtle glow.

I glanced right, then left, inspecting the area carefully. “You have two half baths down here?”

Killian kicked off his sneakers and walked barefoot across the floor. “No. One’s a laundry room now, the other we added a shower to. It was a bitch to do the tilework, but it looks good.”

I removed my sandals and stepped down into the sunken living area. A dining room was at the far left between the family room and kitchen. Above us, the stairwell wall had also been removed and replaced by a new banister that opened the upstairs to light and the floor below.

“It’s a big place,” I said. “Six bedrooms?”

He laughed. “No. Five. I got greedy and splurged with the money I won from my last three matches and made one big master bedroom for myself. Let’s order some food first, then I’ll show you around.”

“Okay.” Killian went ahead of me into the kitchen while I continued to take in the large room. The support beams were a beautiful wood carefully stained to match the floors. While everything was clean and the basic construction completed, like his office at the gym, it was just a space for now—a gorgeous space with lots of potential, but nothing that reflected Killian’s personality or his heart.

“Want pizza and wings?”

“Whatever you’d like. I’m not very hungry.” I strolled around. Killian had a microfiber chocolate couch, love seat, and recliner. Bright white on the walls, baseboards, and crown molding was it as far as colors. If it weren’t for the dark wood floors, I might have needed sunglasses to see.

The moment he disconnected, he placed Pappy’s menu on the counter and walked toward me. “Do you like it?”

“I do.” I knelt to examine the baseboards, skimmed my hands over the plaster walls, and took in the original crown molding. “It’s beautiful. Lots of character.”

“My family and I have spent every weekend on this place for the past year.”

“You did everything yourselves?”

He shrugged. “Wasn’t hard. Angus has been in construction since he graduated high school—so has Seamus. Seamus, though, specializes in carpentry. Some of the shit he’s done is more art than anything. They’ve taught the rest of us a thing or two, so we’ve always worked on each other’s homes.” He winked. “Believe it or not, we haven’t killed each other yet.”

“I love it,” I said without thinking.

“Yeah?”

I smiled. For real this time. “Yes. I do.”

“I’d like to paint it now that I have money coming in, but I don’t know shit about what goes with what.”

“I can help you, if you’d like.” My cheeks heated the longer he stared. “I start Villanova for interior design in the fall. I wasn’t sure if you knew that.”

“I knew. I just wasn’t sure about asking.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Looks like I have to start paying you more.”

My brows knitted. “You don’t have to pay me.” I crossed my arms and walked around. “It won’t take us long to paint it. It could be fun, you know?” I pointed to the fireplace. “We could do a chocolate accent color just above the mantel, leave the baseboards and crown molding white, burnt orange on the walls—oh, and burnt orange throw pillows. Silver could be used as an accent as well.”

“Orange?” Killian asked.

I didn’t see the problem. “Yes.”

“Orange?” he asked again.

“Burnt orange,” I clarified. “Close to rust.”

“Then why not just rust?”

“You want to brighten the room, don’t you?”

“Ah, sure.”

I lowered my chin as doubt continued to spread across his features. “I’ll put something together so you can see ahead of time. I think you’ll like it once you can picture it better.”

“Okay. I trust you,” he added quietly. He placed his hands on his hips. “Do you want to take a look upstairs?”

Upstairs. Where his bedroom was. My feet remained cemented in place. He shrugged. “We don’t have to. We can just wait here for the food to come.”

Killian trusted me with his personal information and accounts. He was even trusting me with slapping orange paint on his walls. I needed to start trusting him, too. “No, let’s go up.”

He sensed my hesitation and waited for me to back out. Instead I slowly inched toward him and placed my hand in his. As his hand clutched mine, I breathed a sigh of relief. This was the right thing, and likely what we’d needed to end the strain the day had brought.

Killian led me to the wooden steps toward the right. “We could paint the foyer and hall gold,” I offered.

“Gold?”

I wasn’t exactly wowing him with my choice of colors. “It would help distinguish it from the living room.”

“Yeah, ah, that it would.”

I couldn’t be sure if the hesitancy in Killian’s tone was due to my paint suggestions or because he could sense my nervousness resurfacing with each step we took.

When he released my hand at the top of the steps, I knew he was giving me space again. I wanted to knock my head against the banister. One step forward, two monstrous steps back. That was all my life had ever been.

Killian took me from one bedroom to another, pausing at the large bathroom at the center. It, along with the remainder of the house, was just as empty, and just as white. “It’s even bigger than I thought,” I said.

His steps slowed as we neared his room. “Too big for just me. Felt like a smart choice at the time. Now I don’t know.”

As we entered his bedroom my nervousness subsided. I didn’t know why until every scent that was Killian wafted into my nose. I smelled his aftershave, the one that drove me wild, and the fresh scent of his Irish soap. I also smelled the laundry detergent from the folded towels in the basket near the door.

His bedroom was huge. A door opened to a large bathroom to my right and directly in front was a massive closet with a changing area. There wasn’t much furniture in his actual sleeping quarters, and while it was big and bulky, it was easily swallowed by the large expanse of the suite.

An antique dresser and a large oval mirror ran parallel to the bed, to the right of a picture window. Matching nightstands were on either side of the bed, and a large flatscreen had been anchored above the fireplace.

Wrought iron and wood surrounded the frame of the king-sized bed. A simple white down comforter and white pillows had been thrown over the mattress. I chuckled. Killian had zippo imagination when it came to color.

“Are you thinking it needs orange?” he asked softly.

He stood just behind me, his warm body close. “I thought maybe slate blue for the walls, and maybe a nickel finish for accents.”

My voice trembled more than I expected, more than it should have considering how much I did trust him. What was wrong with me? This was Killian after all.

He backed away and sat on the bed, his eyes sad. “I don’t want you to be afraid, Sofia. I know I let you down today. But I swear, it won’t happen again.”

I trailed closer. He blamed himself for what Trey had done. “You didn’t let me down. You protected me, like always.”

His jaw tightened. “No. Not like always.”

I angled my head, not sure what he meant. When he said nothing more, I forced myself to approach, stopping just in front of his knees. Killian carefully enveloped my hands with his, his face meeting mine. This time, I wouldn’t let him hold my hands. I lifted them to touch his jaw, smoothing my fingers over the stubble of his goatee while his hands gripped my hips.

His gaze sought mine, waiting for me to make a move. So I did, bending to meet his lips. My body dissolved into his, and without meaning to, I fell forward, landing on top of him. At first my shock made me break our kiss.

Killian must have sensed my hesitation. So instead of pulling me down to him, he released his hold and placed his hands behind his head. “You first,” he said.

“Me?”

He nodded, his stare intense.

For a moment, I didn’t dare do anything, and considered what was happening. He was giving me control, and allowing me to lead us.

It was exactly what I needed.

My fingertips smoothed over his temple, debating where I should start. His mouth? His neck? Something else? I almost couldn’t wait to touch him, unable to resist those shimmering deep blue irises and the man I trusted with my life.

I bent again and kissed him, my tongue teasing his, my hands slipping down his chest. He tasted so good. My body temperature soared as we rolled onto our sides and our kisses grew needier.

Killian’s hand slipped to my waist. My eyelids fluttered when he left my mouth to nibble on my neck, just as he’d done the previous night.

A deep moan escaped my lips when he reached my lobe and bit down. That moan intensified when his hand left my back to slide over my breast. When I didn’t protest, he did it again, and once more, until his hand cupped it to caress and massage.

My body tensed, but I liked what he was doing and wanted more. I couldn’t tell him that, so I did my best to show him.

I angled my head to kiss Killian’s neck, mimicking what he’d done to me. I wasn’t sure I was doing it right until he pulled away to rip off his shirt. He paused, watching me as I drank in every inch of sculpted muscle. “Tell me when to stop, and we’ll stop, okay?”

I nodded. At least I think I did. His breaths were harsh like mine. That didn’t stop him from pulling me to him for another kiss. Our lips crashed against each other’s, this time more frantically, stirring the heat consuming us.

Killian’s hands immediately returned to my breasts. The tips hardened as he pinched both at once. I whimpered, the sensation from his tugs making me want to spread my legs for him.

My very loud responses to Killian’s contact made him more daring. He slipped the spaghetti straps of my dress down, exposing my breasts and their stiffening centers. He muttered a curse and passed his thumbs over them, making them protrude and grow so taut, every part of me throbbed.

He dropped his head to put one in his mouth. I startled when his teeth nibbled and lips sucked. He froze. “Do you want me to stop?” he rasped against my skin.

I groaned. “Not yet.” Oh, please not yet.

I cradled his head against me when his head dipped, trying hard not to cry out, but his pulls, teases, and gentle bites made it impossible. No one had ever made me feel like this or taken such care to please me.

And I really liked it.

As I threaded my fingers through his hair, I thought I should do something back, give him something more, but I didn’t know what. I could barely speak; the motions of his mouth were becoming more intense, making me arch my spine. “Do you want me to touch you?”

His hands stopped moving, his voice low. “If you want.”

Okay…all right. “Where?”

His head fell against my shoulder, his breaths pained. “Anywhere,” he gasped. “Anywhere you want.”

My hands left his head, traveling down to his waist. They stopped just above his MMA shorts, but I forced them down, palming the bulge expanding beneath my touch.

Killian jolted from the way I explored, squirming beneath my hands and lifting his hips. I assumed he meant for me to pull down his shorts. So I did and…and…holy…

“Immense” was the first word that came to mind and the only way I knew to describe him. His skin strained against his mounting erection. I was glad he was distracted. I would have died if he’d seen my reaction.

The shock wore off as Killian continued to play. He lifted me, his tongue swirling over the tip of one breast while his fingers teased the other. My eyelids fluttered. He knew exactly what to do. But I was at a loss.

Men had touched me. I’d never touched back. Now that I wanted to, I didn’t know where to begin.

But I wanted to learn.

I jerked away, pulling the straps of my dress back up.

Killian’s chest rose and fell quickly. “What’s wrong?”

My attention traveled to his face, back down to his lap, then back up. “I don’t know how to touch you.” The admission made my cheeks burn.

“It’s okay.” Killian’s deep voice softened. “You don’t have to.” He lifted his hips slowly and tried to pull up his shorts. The motion had him scrunching his face as he angled away. He was in pain. I wouldn’t leave him like this.

I grasped his wrists before he could yank the shorts all the way up. “I seriously want to touch you.” I met his face then. “Will you teach me how?”

Killian fell stone still. He lowered his eyes briefly and swallowed hard. “You want me to teach you?” he repeated.

“Y-yes. Is that okay?”

His breath released in a shudder. “Oh…hell, yeah.”

His erection hardened further. My lips parted when it hit me that I’d turned him on by simply asking. I paused, taking a moment to build my courage. When I stood, the points of my breasts stiffened once more. I knew what was coming.

I lowered my gaze and slowly pulled down his shorts, letting them fall onto the wood floor. I then joined him as he spread his large body along the bed. He curled his arm around my back, tucking me against him as I laid my head against his shoulder. I had a full view of everything below his waist, but my hair and my position kept my face hidden.

That was exactly how I wanted it. I couldn’t touch him if I knew he was watching my every move. Like I said, I remained that girl still needing to hide.

Killian’s body trembled as I reached for him. The silkiness of his skin surprised me; I hadn’t expected it and let my hand glide upward, taking it in. He jerked when I released it and let it slap against his belly. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

God, he was breathing so hard. “Where do I start?”

“The base.” Again he swallowed. “Then stroke up, then down.”

I did as he asked. Up, down, up, down, the fullness of him exceeding my grip. “Like this?”

“A little harder—” He jumped and clasped my hand. “Not…that…hard.”

I tried again, using his moans to guide me. “Better?”

“Yeah.” He grunted, the cords of his neck straining.

He jerked again, but I couldn’t tell why. “Am I hurting you?”

“No. It feels good,” he panted. “But it helps if you wet your hands.”

I released him to push up on my elbow and flick my tongue along my fingers, moistening them as best I could. I didn’t realize he was watching until his head fell back and he draped his arm over his face. “Oh, Jesus,” he muttered.

Yeah. He’d seen me.

I returned to him, moving faster and harder, using his groans and his swiveling hips to guide me. At the first sight of the tip glistening, my speed quickened, aiding his release. To see it, to know I caused it, was such a turn-on, I couldn’t stop my body from churning with need.

Killian covered my hand with his, slowing my movements, keeping my grip gentle over the sensitive and throbbing head. The way he moved my hand against him heightened my arousal. I came close to putting him into my mouth.

Instead I kissed him. I’d wanted to give him a little something back. And now that I knew what he liked, I wanted to keep going.

Killian rolled me onto my back while my hand stayed put and continued to stroke. I thought I was ready for more until he reached beneath my skirt and his fingers skimmed between my legs.

Fear outweighed the shooting pleasure. “Killian…”

At the sound of my quivering voice, he tore away from me, sitting up quickly and giving me space. His gaze softened as he took in my face. He could see how scared I was.

He eased off the bed when I remained cemented in place. Using great care, he lifted me from the bed and onto my feet. I sighed. Now that I wasn’t on my back, now that I was no longer vulnerable, my reaction seemed so stupid. And I hated myself for it.

Things were going so well. I hadn’t meant to spoil our evening or ruin the intimacy between us. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, unable to face him. I looked down at my hands. Weren’t they just touching him? Why did my mood have to change so fast?

His knuckles grazed my cheek until I glanced up. “Don’t apologize for being afraid. It’s nothing you can help. It’s just how you feel.” His shoulders fell slightly. “I just hate being the cause.”

“But you’re not.”

He stared at the wall, guilt clouding his features. “Yes I am, Sofia.”

Tears welled in my eyes. “Killian, you have to understand…all this is very new to me. What we did—how we touched and how it made me feel—they’re things I’ve never experienced before now.”

His brows drew together. “No one’s ever touched you like that?”

I wiped my eyes. “Not in a way that I’ve welcomed.”

Anger brewed beneath his gaze. “Christ, Sofia.”

My face fell against his chest as he gathered me to him. We stood there for a long while, Killian holding me against his naked form. “I never want you to do anything you don’t want to do, baby. We’ll take things slow, or we’ll stop altogether.” His lips brushed over my forehead. “I’ve waited for you this long, and I’ll keep on waiting if I have to.”

I forced the words out, knowing they needed to be said. “I don’t want you to wait.” He cocked his head, unsure what I meant. “I want to learn how to feel good. And I want you to teach me….”