Conflicted

 

I squinted, the glow of my cell phone too bright in the otherwise dark room. 2:47. A whole twenty-three minutes since the last time I checked. Rolling onto my back, I stared at nothing, more than a little irritated I was still awake.

Not that my current insomnia was a surprise. From the moment Theo appeared at Percolate, my thoughts and emotions had been in a constant state of disorientation. After all this time, I was elated to see Theo and Knox again, to soak up their comforting presence. But, I was also conflicted. I left Santa Cruz for a reason, several, in fact, and those issues hadn’t exactly disappeared.

Over dinner, Theo and Knox attempted to convince me that Douglas was no longer a threat. I understood their reasoning. If he didn’t have a political career to worry about, what was the point of tracking down my dad and attempting to remove the blemish (known as Vincent DuBois) from his otherwise impressive tenure as a district attorney? But, instinct told me Douglas wouldn’t give up that easily. When he’d confronted me in the park, I sensed that finding my dad had become an obsession. Who was to say he wouldn’t pick right back up from where he left off? He may not have revealed my identity so far, but that didn’t mean I was in the clear.

Of course, at that moment, the Douglas problem seemed a mere blip on my radar. The devastating news that Ethan left the team for good was taking up all the space in my brain. Knox quoted Ethan’s “irreconcilable differences” excuse, but I knew better. Even if he’d been struggling with Jackson’s authority for a while, that didn’t explain such a sudden withdrawal from the team.

Ethan left only days after I rejected him. I felt egotistical assuming it was because of me, but how could I not? The timing was too coincidental.

Thinking back to that night for the millionth time, his words echoed in my head. “Goodbye, Starburst.” Goodbye. Not good night or see you later. Goodbye. Like he’d known he was as good as gone.

If only I’d agreed to give him another chance, maybe everything would have turned out differently. Maybe the team wouldn’t have been torn apart. Maybe I wouldn’t have made the rash decision to leave. Maybe I would have spent the last four months happy instead of miserable. Maybe.

As sleep finally overtook me, Ethan’s face morphed into Theo’s. “Goodbye, pumpkin,” he said with sadness and finality. Then, I saw Knox, Jackson, Liam, and Chase.

“Goodbye, sweetheart.”

“Goodbye, Miss Jones.”

“Goodbye, gorgeous.”

“Goodbye, Haley.”

 

*  *  *

 

“Did you guys know the Pittock Mansion has forty-six rooms and a central vacuum system?” Theo continued walking along the dirt path ahead of us but looked back at Knox and me. “Maybe we should add one of those to the loft.”

Knox remained silent, while Theo seemed unable to stop talking—expounding upon the history of Portland, the Pittock Mansion, and an endless list of the plants we passed in the Hoyt Arboretum. I desperately wanted to enjoy their company and the fresh air, but I felt strangled by the tension. Despite all we had already discussed, there were still so many questions remaining, including the biggest one of all—whether I would return to Santa Cruz. For better or for worse, none of us were willing to address it.

“Next up,” Theo said, “the International Rose Test Garden. According to the brochure, it’s the oldest official, continuously-operated, public rose test garden in the country.”

Thousands of roses lined the slope of the hill and the space below, perfuming the air with their scent. According to Theo, June and July were the best months to visit, but there were still many varieties in bloom. Amid the sea of green grass and hardy stalks were endless combinations of red, white, pink, and yellow roses.

Theo swept his arms wide to encompass the beautiful landscape surrounding us. “How have you been here all these months and not seen any of the sights?”

“I don’t know. I was kind of busy working,” I said sarcastically, while wishing I had spent more time exploring. “And I didn’t have my personal tour guide.”

I regretted saying it the moment it left my mouth.

“That’s not my fault,” he said with a pointed look. “Besides, you were off most Tuesdays.”

“Thank you, stalker, for knowing my every move.”

“Well, there was that one day you vanished . . .” He paused, clearly hoping I would fill in the blank.

Knowing the day my dad and I were reunited was the only significant deviation from my usual routine, I hesitated. Of course, maybe if I was candid with Theo and Knox, they would return the favor.

“I’ll answer your question if you’ll answer one of mine first.”

He looked to Knox then said, “Sure.”

“I get that you uncovered my name, address, and that I work at Percolate, but how do you know my schedule? Were you watching me?”

Theo nodded. “We installed a camera outside Helen’s guest house and sent someone up here when the need arose.”

I wanted to feel indignant that they’d kept me under surveillance, but it somehow made me feel better about all these months apart. It was overbearing and ridiculous, but it meant they cared.

“I see. In answer to your question, I met up with my dad.”

“What?” He stopped in his tracks. “Haley, that’s awesome, but how did you track him down? El Segundo was the last time we had any sort of a lead on him.”

“He left me a burner phone.”

I bent closer to smell the Gemini rose in front of me, wondering how big of a deal Theo would make of this revelation. Based on his stunned, wide-mouthed stare, I was leaning toward massive.

“Did you have it all along?”

I shook my head, hoping that would be the end of it, but Theo pressed on.

“Okay.” He looked puzzled. “Then when and how did you get it?”

Knox picked that moment to finally join the conversation. “I suspect she got it from the safe deposit box when we were in San Francisco in December.”

Theo glared at him. “You knew and didn’t tell me?”

“How did you know about that?” I snapped. Before Knox even opened his mouth to speak, I waved my hand dismissively through the air. “I’m not sure why I even bother asking. Since you’re aware of the safe deposit box, I’m guessing that in addition to hacking Jess’s emails, you also hacked into the bank.”

Knox merely shrugged in response while Theo looked away and whistled innocently.

“Fantastic. Clearly, it’s not nearly as secure as my dad hoped.”

“Yeah, we suggested a few improvements to them after our visit,” Theo interjected.

“After your visit? Hacking wasn’t enough—you felt the need to break into a bank?”

“First assassins and now bank robbers,” he muttered. “What next?”

“We may have acquired legitimate entry under false pretenses.” Such a typical Knox response.

As angry as I was, I couldn’t help but imagine one of the guys trying to pose as me, and I started laughing.

“Wow, okay. I thought you’d be pissed.” Knox almost sounded disappointed.

“Oh, I am,” I said between spurts of laughter, “but I’m imagining you dressed up as an eighteen-year-old girl and trying to slip past bank security unnoticed.”

Theo snickered. “Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

“Did you feel the need to take anything with you? Documents on the Coleville house, cash, my dad’s emergency identity?”

“No, and I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know that they’ve since upgraded their security,” Knox said.

“Well, that is good news,” I answered, my voice rising with every word. “Except for the small detail that you, yet again, completely violated my privacy.”

Is Knox seriously smirking right now?

“You think this is funny?” I didn’t want to disrupt the tranquility of the garden by yelling at him, but it was becoming increasingly difficult not to.

“No, it just reminded me of your first morning in the loft. Man, were you pissed.”

His statement caught me off guard, and I quieted for a moment.

“And, Haley.” He wrapped his broad hands around my shoulders. When he was certain he had my full attention, his emerald eyes blazed into mine. “Yell, scream, tell us we’re crazy. It doesn’t bother me. Anything is better than your running away a third time.”

“A third time?”

“The cabin. Portland.”

His hands skimmed down my arms, and I drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t want to ruin whatever time we may have together, but it feels like we’re back to square one.”

“Because you still don’t trust us?” Knox asked.

“I want to, have always wanted to, but there are too many secrets between us.” Yours and mine, I thought.

“What if we could tell you more about what we do?” Theo asked as he drew nearer.

“You never could before, so what’s changed?”

“The rules,” Knox answered. “Well, more like we’ll make an exception to the rules for you. Plus, you could return to a different position, something more challenging.”

“I seriously doubt Zenith would want to re-hire me, let alone promote me, after I vanished without notice.”

“Don’t worry about that, Haley,” Theo said. “Patrick will help. He was excited about the idea of, and I quote, ‘bringing you into the fold.’”

“And, Jackson?”

“He was the one who lobbied Patrick to allow it.” What? Does Jackson want me to return?

“I want to be clear, though. There will always be some things we simply cannot tell you. But,” Knox held a finger to my lips when I opened my mouth to interrupt, “we will be forthcoming, and I swear that the majority of your questions will be answered.”

He stared into my eyes, as if willing me to understand, before reluctantly withdrawing his finger from my lips. When he pulled away, I felt like the air had been sucked from my lungs, his intensity and touch overpowering after all this time apart.

Avoiding all eye contact, I focused my attention on the landscape. Though part of me believed staying away from Santa Cruz was necessary for the guys’ protection and mine, the temptation to return was strong. There were still obstacles in the way, but promising to finally explain the secret side of Zenith was a step in the right direction. If Knox and Theo continued to be so open, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resist.